A major outburst

Sunday my friend Katie and her husband came over. They brought the game Outburst with them. I have never played before but I love games. I especially love Scatagories becuase you get to argue a lot during that one. If you don't know how outburst is played here are the basics. You get into two teams. Team one pulls a card and gives you a topic. Then there are 10 things listed relating to that topic. The other team has one minute to yell out answers and as many as you get is how many points you get. Sooooooo our first topic was something like things found in a classroom. so i say, school books, chalkboard, chairs, teachers, students and so on. i get told that i dont get points for chalkboard because the game says blackboard and i didn't get school books because it said spelling book and english book. OMGosh I wanted to kill my friend. She pulled out the directions and right there in bold print it says "Warning this game is NOT! fair". Eww I wanted to spit on my friend. However I retaliated and and didnt give her suntan lotion cuz she said sun screen, and ha ha I sure didn't let her have bathing suit because the game said swim suit.

After that night I now declare that Outburst is an awesome game, especially if you are kind of frustrated and need to find a release. I also recommend playing Scatagories on days that you are just looking to pick a fight.

I cooked dinner for two sets of friends this weekend and also made my mom sugar free, fat free, calorie chocolate muffins with pudding in them and chocolate cool whip frosting. I've done so many dishes this weekend that I think my fingers are permanently pruned. Now I told my uncle I would make him some of my secret special rice crispy treats and all I"m thinking is HOW AM I GOING TO DO THAT WITH OUT EATING HALF THE PAN? I'm already having a freaking breakdown because I just found a super ultra jumbo deluxe hersheys bar in my freezer. FIRST I love frozen chocolate. Second I looooove Hersheys bars. Third I'm on a diet and not being able to eat that is killing me. So what do ya'll think. Do I have a couple pieces and throw the bar away, throw the bar away un touched or have some and keep it for other dier needs? OR! do I eat the whole candy bar in the next hour?

He's so cute He's so cute, He's so cute hey hey hey hey

For some reason he thought he needed to see how small of a cabinet he could fit in. Isn't he cute though. Totally obsessed with hiding in cabinets. He's so cute I'm going to forget he got in the refrigerator SOME HOW and took everything out and went running around with eggs in each hand!

Proof! I was SORTA! Cool. HEY! I said SORTA!

I was actually fashionable and I really did my hair people. REALLY!

Proof I haven't always worn granny panties

Orrrr maybe I have. Dammit!

Look I really was skinny before!

and! Apparently always high!

VERY QUICK ENTRY

HA HA HA EVERY TIME MY HUSBAND FARTS MY SON LOOKS AT HIM AND SAYS EWWWWWW. HA! ITS GREAT.

Oh No She Didn't

Yesterday we were going to lunch with one of our suppliers at work to celebrate my moms birthday. She had my two nieces and their friend with them who are all between the ages of 13-15. I found my self crossed between embarrassed for them and embarrassed for me because I was once like them.

First! The makeup. One of the girls was already at my work when the other one got dropped off. Seriously faster then I could click send on my email they were locked in the bathroom glopping thick layers of black eye makeup on and gallons of shiny goopy lip gloss. It is extra amusing though because they still really have no clue about makeup so they do that thing where they use a BLACK! liner pencil and line the tops. AND. Bottoms of their eyes and then they smudge the top so they have that ultra sexy just got out of the pool runny raccoon eyes look that all the EMO boys find soooooo hot. This is the first time I realize just how old I'm getting. I realize this because the first words out of my mouth are, "Why do you need all that crap on your face? Wipe the crap off, you guys look weird!" Yeah, just call me grandma.

Then! I bring out Brandons new favorite CD which has that song from Madagascar, I LIKE TO MOVE IT MOVE IT and put it on the stereo. They immediately start dancing like they are at a techno club and closing their eyes and getting meaningful dance faces and ultra concentration looks on their faces. They are swirling their hands in the air and tilting their head to the side and trying with all their might to show off to the three older people in the room that they do in fact know how to dance REALLY! COOL!

Next! We all get into the car to go to Olive Garden and the three of them spend the whole car ride like this. "WHISPER WHISPER WHISPER WHISPER" The extra best part about this is that the two sisters have a total of like 43 brothers and sisters. (Really I think there is 8 kids total) so they spend a lot of time talking shit about each other. I am actually very close with them because there was a period in their lives where they came and lived with my family and we helped raise them. Soooo. When I hear one of them telling me what a terrible bitch Sally is and how she sooo did this with this one guy and it was way gross and how I would never do that I have to laugh when I later have her in the back of my car kissing Sally's ass so bad I'm sure that her underwear must be stuck to her skin from all the gloopy lip gloss. Then it gets better. When she is like Sally can you believe that Emily told everyone you did this with that guy (wait I swear like an hour ago you were in my office and YOU were telling me that story not Emily. Ahhhhh the days of shit talking and ass kissing little kids.

Afterthat! We arrive at Olive Garden. First! they all three had to order the same drink (shirley temple) and then they ALL THREE just had to run off to pee together. Then they alllll had to order the exact same thing and then two of them made the other one feel bad because she actually finished her food and didn't just take a few dainty bites and declare that SHEWASSOFULL and might pop this very second.

But! Finally!! They are done with their meal declaring that the chicken tenders and fries were LIKE TOTALLY THE!BEST!EVER!DUDE!!! The little shits pull out their purses. The only purpose of a 15 year olds purse is to pack around pounds of makeup and their three dollars for buying more makeup at the mall, and of course their student ID and! THEIR BACKSEAT DRIVERS LICENSE!!! So they pull out their super hip American Eagle bags and dump loads of makeup on the table and! proceed to do each others makeup right there at the restaurant's table. As if this isn't mortifying enough for me they next pull out their FULL SIZE BRUSHES and begin to preen each other right there. There is hair flying and I'm going to vomit at the whole thought of it.

It was at this moment I realized it. I'm no longer hip! I want to shed a tear for my old high school dumb ass self. The one who was so confident in myself as long as I had my trusty GUESS purse strapped to my side at all times. The one who didn't care that my jeans were either four sizes to big or five sizes to small as long as they were a cool brand. The one who totally didn't understand that you don't wear skater shoes with sparkly dress up shirts. I am now a mom A.K.A. old fuddy duddy. I could feel the lameness swirling around me the way Tums swirl in my stomach when I eat something red.

Woe is me.

In which my brain dribbles NOTHING!

I came home today and my house was spotless. But! Wait! Theres! More! HE VACUUMED PEOPLE. Whoah. I couldn't believe it. My husband is amazing. In the 5 years we have been together I think this is only the second time he has vacuumed. Then he even offered to give my son a bath. Am I dreaming here? It was amazing.

Are you jealous?

YOU SHOULD BE!!!!

I married a wonderful man!

On to other stuff. I went to the gym yesterday and upped my time to 40 minutes. Only problem is 20 minutes into it I was bored out of my mind. Not to mention the TV thingamajigy on my machine didn't work so I was left to listen to my music and people watch. Enter problem number two. There was no one at the gym so I couldn't even make fun of people to myself. GOSH! I'm working really hard at trying to sucker Stephanie to getting a membership at my gym and leaving hers in the dust. Only problem is she is UBER busy so she would probably never have the chance to go with me.

I have managed to go almost five days without a soda or bread and I'm kind of freaking out here. We went to the Olive Garden today and I didn't have a breadstick or pasta. Are you kidding me? NOT EVEN ONE BREADSTICK. BUT WAIT! Theres More! There were two bowls of croûtons brought to the table because everyone was fighting over them. TWO! as in, not one but two. One on each side of me. I wanted to jump right out the window, only, we were in a single story building so, really! I wouldn't have accomplished shit. Right! Then, yes! THEN! I noticed that they had added THREE, thats one more then the bowl of croûtons, THREE NEW FABULOUS DESERTS. One of them was a chocolate soufflé with chocolate sauce on the top set on top of a vanilla cream sauce with raspberry's next to it. Well fuck me! I only got to look at the deliciousness on the menu. No one at my damn table even had the decency to order it, eat it and declare it trash. There was some kind of apple cinnamon bread pudding stuff that looked like it would for sure be happiest in my belly and a new Lemon cake that looked so light and fluffy I'm sure I would have floated away just eating it. I HATE OLIVE GARDEN! What a bunch of jerks. Oh wait I did notice AFTER I went there and was on their website that they offer gluten free dishes. Fat lot of good that did me as I sat there eating three bowls of salad because it said no where on the menu gluten free ANYTHING.

I came home and made some dinner. Since I'm counting calories I made some homemade Spanish style brown rice. It was actually pretty tasty for a low calorie dish. I guess that is the good part about loving to cook. Diets aren't really all that bad when I'm creating some pretty good shit here.

My cousin Angelique is so funny. She is one of my two loyal blogger buddies who come read my blog daily and she's so cute because she messages me if I go more then a day with out blogging. To be perfectly honest it makes me feel special that someone wants to come read my mindless brain dribble.

Tomorrow Stephanie and I are supposed to workout. She is coming as a guest. I'm flipping the fuck out because she is super in shape and all I RUN 5 MILES and I'm all RUN, WHAT? ARE WE RUNNING AFTER THE ICE CREAM TRUCK? There are only a few times in life I run. When I hear my son cry. When I'm scared. When I'm on the other side of my work and the phone rings and when someone yells FREE CHOCOLATE FOR THE FAT GIRLS. The gym, however under no circumstances counts as a situation where I feel it is necessary to run. I prefer my lovely low impact elliptical machine. I work out on there and almost break a sweat and feel like I'm getting totally fit! Go me! But! then some skinnny litte chic gets on the treadmill and starts running at full speed like a champ and all I'm thinking is, "Is this bitch here just to show off her cute little body and get compliments when she complains about her invisible cellulite and fake flab1" Don't even get me started on the weights. A couple weeks ago someone actually laughed at me when I set the machine to my measly 30 lbs. HE LAUGHED! I wanted to cry. Instead I just rushed home and ate some ice cream.

I'm done now. This blog is boring and uninteresting and has no real direction. I'm out people.

Things my husband does to make me swoon V3.0.21

This week Rob has been spending a lot of time home with Brandon. The first way that you can tell is the fact that every single toy my son owns is somewhere on the floor in my house. When I got home last night I was a little frustrated to say the least at the huge disaster in my house. However. This morning when I went into Brandon's room and saw those two I almost cried. Rob was curled up in Brandons crib (which we converted to a day bed) and Brandon was in there too with his cup of milk jumping up and down and they were both watching Ice Age I almost melted. It was sooooo cute seeing them hang out together like best buds. I loved it. Later Told me that Brandon grabbed his hand and took him in his room and pointed at his toy box until Rob opened it. Then he took out each toy and played with it. Sooo cute. After that I didn't care about the mess one bit. In fact I hoped to see that mess every day.

I'm thinking why the fuck am I on a diet again?

Have you ever noticed when you are on a diet all you think about is food? When you are not on a diet you eat whenever you want. If your hungry you eat, if your not hungry but something looks good you eat, if your stuffed but someone brings you Krispy Kremes you eat. But then you go on a diet. Suddenly you have to count calories and eat three full meals and X amount of snacks. So of course when you can't eat all you want to do is eat. You sit there counting the minutes until you can eat again and asking yourself "Am I hungry yet? How bout now? Nowwwwwwww?"

Then all that diet shit happens where they (the diet gurus) are like "only eat when you are hungry." Or "when you want to eat something to eat ask yourself why you want to eat it? Do you want to eat it because your hungry or because your bored? Measure your hunger and ask yourself if you really need to eat or if you just want to."

OKAY so I want to go into the kitchen right now and have some chocolate ice cream. Hmm How hungry am I? Ummmm well theres always room for chocolate right? Okay, am I hungry or bored? Well like I said I just want some chocolate so who cares if I'm hungry. Do I really need to eat this? OMG FUCKING DIET PEOPLE I JUST WANT SOME GODDAMN CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM WHY ARE YOU HASSLING ME ALL FUCKING DAY OVER SOME FUCKING ICE CREAM. WHO CARES IF I WANT IT. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?

Fuck! Dieting would be easy if there weren't so many rules you know. I mean do they have to make you hate it? Seriously if dieting were fun and not all crazy competitive and full of rules that are way to easy to break then maybe more people would do it.

You know the worst time to diet? The week before your period. I've never had so much trouble with a diet in my life as I do the week before my period. I'm like, okay so how much chocolate can I have on 1200 calories. If I skip breakfast and dinner then I can have approximately 10 bowls of ice cream or two bowls 2 really big bowls. or like 10 hersheys kisses. Maybe I could have a bowl of ice cream with five hersheys kisses, one tablespoon of caramel, two teaspoons of chocolate syrup, 1.5 tablespoons of sprinkles, 3 teaspoons of peanut butter, one kitchen sink, and so on.

But really now! Whose idea was it for me to go on a fucking diet. Please be warned that there will be about thirtykajillionbillion posts from me whining about how much I hate diets and miss chocolate. Good luck readers.

On my way...I hope

Good morning. Today is the first day of my new healthy eating go to the gym thingy. Its almost 1:00 and I'm doing pretty good as far as the eating thing goes. I'm not at all excited to go to the gym but I have to go or I have to do all the dishes tonight. I really hope that I can get back into going to the gym but I'm afraid that when Rob starts his new job next week our schedules won't allow me to go at the time I like to go. Things at work have been really difficult since Friday when I had it out with my boss. Feels like everyone here is walking on eggshells. I guess a lot of it is my fault because as you know I work for my mom and I guess that a big part of me really doesn't want to be here anymore. I really just want to go be home with Brandon. Don't get me wrong I don't think I could ever actually be a stay at home mom because I would be bored out of my mind but I really wouldn't mind working only 3 days a week. I guess between that and some other general work frustrations I haven't been the most fun person to work with. To be perfectly honest though I don't think any of us here in the office have been in the best spirits. There are so many difficult things going on here and so many things between my mom and I that it really just interferes with my work. Friday we got into a huge argument because she misunderstood a lot of things I said and made a lot of assumptions and it just exploded from there. I finally said a lot of things I had been trying to say for so long and that just added fuel to the fire. I don't know what I was supposed to do though. I go on being silent for so long because no matter what I say it somehow causes bigger problems that it is just easier for me to suffer in silence.

I've been really thinking strongly about having a second child and no matter what worries I have, the biggest worry I have is that I can't handle bringing a second child to work. It's already so hard to do with one I can't imagine bringing another one here. Yes! part of that is my fault because I refuse to put Brandon in day care but on the other hand thats my decision as a mom to make. I know its nice that they let me bring him here but they shouldn't remind me how nice it is every day. I feel like all day long all he hears is No, No , NO because he's always into something and it seems like everything here is stuff he can't touch. So now I'm left feeling like I can't have a second child because it wouldn't be fair to have two kids here. It is the worst feeling in the world to be 25 years old and have your parents control every single decision you make because you work for them. I can't leave because of insurance. I can't leave because I would have to put Brandon in day care. I can't leave because it would screw them because no one else here seems to do work like I do. I've left in the past and it turns into such a disaster at work and in the family. The biggest thing is that I don't want to deprive Brandon of his family because if I left that is what would happen, they would quit speaking to me. I just don't know what to do with myself. A lot of my diet troubles stem from my work issues and everything going on here. I just don't know what to do with myself here.

And you think you want to be a mom?

Here are a few things I think everyone should know who has a kid or is considering having one.

Buy all socks in one style and all matching. This will make you life so much easier when you are rushing around in the morning and your kid is completely dress and the only thing holding you back is finding a pair of fucking socks that match.

Once you get socks you should hang a mesh bag on the wall near your kids clothes hamper and put all socks in this bag to assure yourself that the washing machine sock eating monster will not eat your socks.

When you find something your child likes i.e. coveted leak proof sippy cup with a straw in it, run out and but 43 of them. This will come in handy so when your kid is screaming at the top of his lungs for his damn cup and all you can find at every single store is cups that he takes one look at and chucks at your head.

Get an economy size bottle of Valium. Boys will freak you the fuck out. Forget child proofing they will outsmart it. Forget putting foam on corners they will hit hard enough to make the foam obsolete. They will jump off of everything, run into everything and also head butt you right in the head, teeth, mouth, temple and so on, just because their FATHERS taught them how to. If you think it looks scary it will make them laugh.

Leave the child safety locks at the store. They will figure out how to open the doors to all cabinets. This includes opening your bathroom cabinet and finding your tampons and running around the house unwrapping them and leaving tampon parts for your guests to find.

Do not put your very expensive ceramic Le Creuset pots in lower cabinets. They will climb in said cabinets and throw those pots out first because they are shiny and made of pretty colors.

String cheese does actually melt and CAN be smashed into your couch cushions.

Get some sort of hard wood or laminate. Babies leak. Sippy cups leak. Baby spoons leak. Everything about babies leaks on floors and it all stains. It is all invisible at first until it dries into a big black! spot.