on the HEAVIER side of things

Today is day 18 of my dreaded diet and day two of my period. I can't tell you if I've made progress because I still haven't weighed myself. I can't remember if I told you but I'm not weighing myself again until February 1st. This is driving me bonkers. I used to weigh myself every time I peed. And people, I PEE A LOT!

I think I'm at the stage now where I need to learn to stop thinking of food every single minute and only think about it when I'm hungry. I feel like an alcoholic who is reaching out for a sponsor. But as you know, you can't have just any ole person be a sponsor. You need someone who has been through it, or even who is going through it. Right now there seems to be a shortage of people who want to take dieting as serious as me. So when those times come where I want to eat just to eat and I need to call someone so they can say that exact right time, I am stuck.

You know, this is the first time I've started a diet for reasons other then weight loss and vanity. I won't lie and say losing the pounds and a smaller jean size wouldn't be nice. The biggest reason though is my son and my future kids. The last thing I want to do is pass my weight issues down to my kids like my mom did to me and her mom did to her. Even if my mom never said a word to me about my diet, I would still have known what it was because SHE WAS ALWAYS ON SOME KIND OF DIET. I watched an episode of Oprah recently (yes I love her, I want to marry her, I Tivo her and I reference her allll the time, so shush) and she talked to moms and their kids. There were a couple kids on the show who were about 4 and they thought they were fat. This one little girl thought fat people were ugly. Then there was this beautiful girl in high school who must have been about a size two and she was obsessed with her weight. Both moms said they really didn't understand why because they spent everyday telling their kids how beautiful they were. BOTH girls said the same thing. They said that everyday they saw their moms in the mirror talking to themselves about being fat, and looking at their ass, and counting calories and stocking up on Lean Cuisines while serving the rest of the family regular food, and they just figured it out themselves. Without even intending to these women had passed their issues on to their kids. It smacked me right in the face that day. I was those women. I was going to be that mom who passed her issues to her kids. Hell I've already passed them on to my husband and he never weighs more then 170. Even boys have body issues so I do have to worry about this even though right now I only have a son.

I realize that I need to take this seriously NOW so that when he is older I'm not trying to do it in front of him. My goal is to just make eating healthy seem normal that my kids never know otherwise. There are so many things that come with this task. Like learning to eat three meals a day or learning not to snack because it is the weekend. The biggest one is trying to learn not to turn to food when I'm upset. I keep telling myself that this blog is a way of healing myself and learning to be who I really want to be but I have to accept the fact that finally dealing with my weight issues is probably the biggest change I can make. That is the biggest reason I don't want to step on the scale. I don't want this whole thing to be based on numbers. I want it to be based on how I feel. I want to do it whether I like what I see on the scale or not. I want to learn how to be full from a normal serving instead of telling myself I can eat more today because I lost a few pounds. I don't want to starve myself because I don't see the scale moving. Eventually I would like to learn to be one of those people who doesn't weigh themselves unless they go to the doctor.

I think skinny people take being skinny for granted. Its all they know and they don't realize how hard it can be for some people. It drives me crazy when my friend who wears a double zero complains that she needs to go to the gym because she is really getting out of shape. I look at her and I'm just baffled. Or when she refers to her size 1 jeans as her fat pants. I just stare dumbfounded. Sometimes I don't think people realize what they are saying. Its almost as though they they are so absorbed by their extra 2.5 pounds that they don't realize that sometimes they are really hurting their friends. A lot of my friends used to try and sabotage me. They would encourage me to eat bad. Say things like "O come on you can't come to Olive Garden and not have breadsticks." Actually I can. It is quite easy. So today when a friend of mine talked about losing weight instead of telling her she didn't need to I was positive about it. I asked her reasons and encouraged her to do what would make her happy and made suggestions on how to do it in a fun and positive way. I didn't say things like, Why you don't need to lose weight, or suggest fad diets. I just talked to her for reals about it. I would like to think my suggestions helped her. But, even if they didn't they helped me because I know that I must be healing to have even responded the way I did. And for me, that is good enough.

Some of this must seem so drastic or odd to a lot of you but for me its necessary. Having issues with food is just as bad as having an addiction to alcohol or drugs, trust me I've had a problem with both. I still do. My cousin suggested I take up an activity as something to take my mind off eating. Only problem is all the good ones would seem like an even better activity for my son, i.e. me knitting, Brandon destroying my ball of yarn. I'll figure something out though. Hopefully I can keep up my good work and continue watching what I eat and making positive changes.

Smart little sucker

You know, I don't know how kids get to be so smart. This morning right in front of me my son pulled out the bottom drawer in my bathroom and used it to stand on so he could reach the counter. I have no clue where he learned this. I have been so careful not to do that in case he was watching.

Yesterday I couldn't figure out why there was paper all over the main room of my work. Then I walked out there and saw why. My son had pushed his power wheels four wheeler over next to the copy machine. He would climb up on top of it, push the copy button, jump off and run over and grab the sheet of paper. Then he would throw it on the floor and run back over to his quad. I was stunned. How on earth did he know exactly what button to push? So we unplugged the copier and the little stinker walked over and pushed the button that pops open the entire machine because he knew it was broken.

He knows exactly what button ejects the DVD's, which button turns on his Superman TV, which button starts the dishwasher (even when its empty), which drawer holds the gum and which switch turns on what lights.

HOW DOES HE KNOW ALL OF THIS?

I just don't get it! I mean yeah he is getting older, but really, it just takes my breath away when he does things. Now he is repeating words. Today he has repeated the following: Hey, No, Go, and another one I can't remember. He also learned how to pucker his lips, so when he is doing something wrong before you reach him to say NO he is ready and waiting all puckered up. How do you tell a child NO when he is trying to give you a kiss. Last night he kept saying I know, instead of I don't know every time I asked where his milk was. How does he know that?

He knows how to sit down and give me each foot for shoes and socks, and tries to zip his zipper after I put on his jacket.

My little boy is so big. Sniff sniff. To bad he doesn't know how to lay down and take a nap when he is tired.