Just in time for Lent

I posted a salmon recipe over here for those of you being healthy, or participating in lent.

Taking procautions (I say pro cuz I think it's a positive thing, so I do realize the spelling error, mmmmkay)

I've been making efforts to become healthier lately. I found a picture of myself right after my wedding and I was astonished I looked that way. I mean, I knew I was fat but I think until now I didn't know I looked like a walking Biggest Loser billboard. I find it funny how many people are probably walking around right now thinking, ehhh I'm heavy but I'm not that bad, I'm still kind of sexy. Then they lose about 20 pounds and then they say OOOOO now I get it, I was only a few pounds away from getting milked and renamed Bessy! At the same time I can't believe how many skinny girls are out there who think they are fat (LH I'm looking at you). I just want to shake them and say hey jackass I'll trade you for your size 4's any day, really here, you can go ahead and have my SIZE 14'S jackass.

Okay not the point. The point was, since having kids, and becoming sober (yeah probably cut out about 94520498759890 calories just in liquor alone, wait I did the math just now and I saved 2,478 calories a day just by cutting out amaretto ) I've been making a real actual effort to get healthy. Not just skinny healthy but HEALTHY. You know, like granola cruncher kinda healthy. I've been trying to eat 3 meals a day and 3 snacks a day. I try and make sure one snack is fruit. I make sure to eat fruit with every breakfast and to eat at least two different vegetables a day. I try and cook most of what I eat and I try not to eat at restaurants or fast food places. I won't say never because if I have one fast food meal in 3 months that isn't bad. I try and keep my chocolate consumption to 15 bars a day and 24 bars on the weekend. I cut out all soda, all flavored waters and basically anything that wasn't healthy for me to drink. I'm only drinking water, coffee, milk, V-8, tea and orange juice in moderation. My husband informed me that a Venti Caramel Frapaccino in no way classifies as coffee, DAMMIT! Whatever, I'll remember that when I'm preparing his beets for dinner (background, he agreed to eat a veggie a day if I gave up soda and flavored water.)

I'm really trying my hardest to take vitamins. Seriously I take flax seed oil, one a day, probiotics, calcium magnesium vitamin D, Vitamin C and an all vegetable organic fiber supplement daily.

I'm watching my calories and really trying to find a nice balance between weekdays and weekends. A huge part of what I'm doing is trying to make eating healthy feel normal rather then feel like something I'm doing as a quick fix to a weight issue. I want to make it so in 10 years I still think eating veggies and fruits every day is a normal thing, and at the same time so do my kids. In fact every night Brandon tastes a new vegetable. His most favorite of all is trees (broccoli) and carrots which makes me laugh so hard considering those are two of the hardest things to get kids to eat.

I try and read labels. I avoid as much hydromonsterated oils as possible, I don't like a lot of sugar, I prefer my sodium to come out of my own salt dish, not prepackaged foods. I try and get in a yogurt a day and I like my cheese to be fresh not that rubber cheese they try and pass off as American cheese. The only thing American about it, is that it isn't healthy which is the same for most Americans, we aren't healthy.

I have switched to whole wheat pasta (My husband is somewhere glaring at me right now because he can tell I'm typing those words), I've mostly eliminated bacon from my cooking. I have tried to cut back on my rich sauces and cream bases and make more broth bases or things from pan juices. I have been baking my tortillas instead of frying them and adding more spices and fresh foods to my food rather then jarred and packaged unidentifiable mystery powders you buy at the store.

The point of this entire blog, is that lately I've started feeling like I was one whole grain away from turning into a Kashi commercial, so to be safe, I took precautions and ordered some back up. My order looks similar to this only bigger.

He he, not really, this is my real order, but still, definitely preventing a full Kashi, granola cruncher, hippie overload huh!

*Don't forget to stop by the comment section on this blog and leave me your funniest, dirtiest, cutest, jokes, the winner gets a spot light on my blog.

Spooky

My kid, Jens kid, same out fit, same day, same top snap undone. It's just spooky I tell you.

(Codi)

(Coleton)

Taking the easy route

I decided to be easy today and post some pictures. However make sure to scroll down to this post and leave me your best joke. The winner gets a spotlight post on my blog. Currently Lindsey and Cristina are the two who made me laugh the most, so those are the ones you have to beat. I have have a dirty mind and can take a joke so let me hear your best one!

Some boys wear their moms shoes

My son tries to use my breast pump.

First you plug it in

Then you attach it to your boo boos

If that doesn't work put it in your mouth and hope to suck NILP back out of your stomach

Smile really big while attempting to make Nilp for Codi

Just for good measure do all of this with your pants on backwards!

Using this time to watch Oprah...I mean clean house

Codi, take a nap k, mama wants a break?

Okay, one boy down 2 to go

Woohoo kid two is sleeping

Success, kid 3 is asleep

You would think I would use this time to do something fun, but really I just cleaned the house while my dad worked on my furnace last weekend. Either way, I had full control of the TV remote while cleaning, I consumed plenty of chocolate with out anyone seeing (it doesn't count if no one sees it right?) and did laundry. Doing laundry may not seem fun, but doing laundry with out a two year old there to unfold all your folded clothes totally kicks ass! It was the best hour ever!!!!!!

Whatever I guess he is comfortable

I have adjusted him 3 times now. Clearly he likes his way of sleeping better

Because I'm married to a second grader

Rob: What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?

Me: Uhh they can both deliver you in 30 minutes or less

Rob: No, they can both smell it but aren't allowed to eat it.

Me: Ewww

Rob: He he

Thanks babe, I could not have gone on in life with out you sharing that little gem with me!

Do any of you know any good jokes? If so let me hear em! The winner of the funniest joke will get a spotlight post on my blog!

This day is against me

I should have just called in sick and laid in bed. Oh how many blogs start out that way daily around the world? I got zero sleep last night due to a nursing baby and a snoring husband. I woke up too early and knew the day wasn't right. I had forgotten to make coffee the night before so I had to fumble around and do that. After arguing with Brandon all morning about brushing his teeth I finally had to basically hold him down to do it. I kept reminding myself that if I was a good mom my child wouldn't fight me so much on this kind of thing. I got him dressed and went in search of shoes. I remembered my parents had just brought him a new pair of shoes. He got all excited over the new shoes with the flames when I discovered there were two right feet in the box. So then I had to put them back in the box thus making him cry and run and get more shoes. I was 3 minutes late at this point for work. We were about to leave when Brandon Tarzaned my curtains right off the rod. I was now 5 minutes late. I picked up Codi, turned to leave and launched my yogurt off the car seat and splattering onto my wall and floors. I was now 10 minutes late. I cleaned the mess, realized I had nothing else breakfasty, said fuck it and left.

I arrived at work realizing I forgot my coffee on the counter, my lunch in the fridge and my vitamins and pills in their pill container. So, if you are wondering why I just ate bread, appetizers, salad and desert from Macaroni Grill, there you have it!

Today was one of those days where I feel like a bad parent. Every little thing Brandon did today registered in my brain like Finger nails on a chalk board. By noon it was better but this morning left me feeling like less of a mom. I don't talk about God on here a lot, mostly because I'm still learning, and then some because I don't want this blog to turn into some sappy, mommy, non comical type blog. I would hate for you all to leave me because I put on my serious hat for a day. However. In the last few years I've toyed with praying. I've prayed for friends, for family, for animals, and for my kids. But mostly, I pray that today I can just be a good mom. I find the majority of the time I call on God, it is to ask him, to please, let me be calm and peaceful with Brandon. Let me be the best mom I can be. To just let me be, the mom I know I could be if I didn't have a mental illness weighing me down. I look around to other moms, moms who don't yell, have no need for discipline, whose kids are always the model of perfection and I ask myself where I went wrong.

I can already see Codi is going to be different from Brandon. And rather then feeling joy knowing that this child will be easier, I feel weight on my heart knowing other people will always compare Brandon to the good child. That Brandon will become the burden, or the bad child. The child that everyone says, "Oh you just did a better job with Codi because you learned." But thats not true. I just have two very different children. One who will be quiet and cautious and well behaved and one who just wants to howl at the moon, similar to his mother. I pray every day that I will never be one of those people who compares the two negatively and who always realizes that Brandon isn't a bad child he is just an amazingly free spirited child with energy I wish I could have for only a day.

I keep wondering when I will come out of the hole I've been in for a long time now. This one is lasting longer then they have in ages. I know most of what is causing it. A lot of it is money woes, a lot of it is the snow and dreary weather, a lot of it is the want to ride my bike but having a flat fucking tire, a lot of it is worrying about my kids, a lot of it is worrying that I'll never measure up as a mom. A girl was killed recently in my town. She wasn't doing anything wrong, she was sleeping on a couch and some one came in, got her and killed her. They found her just a few blocks from my house. I am now terrified of ever letting my kids out of my sight. I'm terrified of pre school or regular school. Of letting them go to the movies, of letting Brandon play out back. I'm terrified. Everyday it seems I find a new reason to feel like an asshole for even bringing kids into this world. Like the other day when my mom told me that allowing you to see my kids on my blog and being open about who I am and where I am is opening up for some fucker to come steal my kids and hurt us all. Great, now I feel like mother of the year for potentially opening my kids up for that kind of terror.

I want to get out of this slump. I need the weather to pick up so I can go riding. Last summer when I was riding daily I know I was a lot happier, I could ride away the crazy rather then be burdened with it in my head. It is so hard, people say, just run, go on a treadmill, do anything, but they don't get, something about riding triggers my brain. It's the equivalent to Prozac or Lexipro for me.

Back to praying. Like I said, I really try to pray. I try to ask to be the best I can. But then there are some days when I just can't do it. I wake up feeling silly and trivial for wanting to believe in God. I feel like those around me judge me for trying to believe. Even those who believe look at me like a poser. Like I'm not doing it right, or it's a joke or something. And maybe in the end it will get me no where, but I think that just asking for help makes me feel like a better mom already. I really hope that someday i can figure this all out, and I can be the mom that my kids brag about. I want to be that kind of mom, the kind of mom that other little girls say I want to grow up and be like her some day. I want my kids to have nothing of fond memories of me, and I want them to remember more then just my stellar cooking!

Feeling very powerful...and also kind of sneaky

This weekend my dad finished installing my zoning system. What's a zoning system you ask? That means that for each zone in my house (ie, living room, boys room, master room) there is a separate thermostat. So, what that means is when we are lounging in the living room we can have the heat on in there with out un-necessarily heating our bedroom. Or at night we can make our bedroom toasty with out wasting energy heating the living room. Or we can have our room at 65 but the boys room can be at 70 so they are extra toasty.

The point of all this is that this is extra helpful with Rob and I being polar opposites. Seriously in the summer he'll be burning hot and want the A/C on and I'll be just right and want it off. In the winter he will be perfect and I will be colder then a popcicle in Antarctica. A large portion of our relationship is spent with me sneaking over to the thermostat and turning it up 74 and then him sneaking behind me and turning it off. We can do this for hours and never tire of it. Some times at night I'll wake up and crank up the heater while he is sleeping and he will wake up all confused and sweating.

Back to the point. Today I was sitting in the living room and I was FUUUREEEZING! Rob was in the bedroom. I got up and wanted to turn on the thermostat but I knew Rob would get mad because he would be hot. I sat down and pouted and then I remembered my zoning system. I hopped right up and cranked that sucker to 71. I sat her on my couch all toasty and warm while Rob sat in the igloo bedroom all cool and comfy. I felt so sneaky and powerful having control of my very own thermostat. Seriously, it was how I imagine it would feel if Rob ever let me have the remote control.

Breakfast anyone

To see how I made this amazing fried egg sammich for my husband this morning, head over here. Then run to the store and buy everything to make your own sammich for Sunday morning!

Maybe some duct tape will work

Todays post will be short as I am in a dismal state. I was just getting dressed. I was putting my socks on first of course so I bent over to pick them up when my boobs brushed my knees.

I had to take a moment to pause there, as I realized, aging and gravity are definitely taking a toll on me. Nursing two kids probably isn't going to help either.

I never thought my perky boobs would get to the point where they would dangle down and touch my knees if I bent over.

Excuse me I need to go find some duct tape now.

Whats that on my doorstep?

I came home today to find this on my doorstep?
What is it?

HMMMM WHAT COULD IT BE?

IT'S PACKING PEANUTS!!!!!!!!!!!

SURPRISES MAKE ME DO THIS

IT'S PIZZA!!!!!!! BUT NOT JUST ANY PIZZA!!!

IT'S PIZZA FROM....

NOW I'M REALLY EXCITED (APPARENTLY SO ARE THE VEINS IN MY NECK)

I MEAN REAAAAAAAAL EXCITED

LOOK FRESH OUT OF THE OVEN NEW YORK GARLIC KNOTS

OUCH THATS HOT..I SHOULD LET MY FOOD COOL DOWN

THE PIZZA IS READY THE PIZZA IS READY

OH YEAH BABY, NO FORK AND KNIFE HERE!

MMMMMM IT'S LICK YOUR LIPS GOOD

THIS POST IS COURTESY OF PATTY! WE WERE CHATTING ON VALENTINES DAY AND SOME GOT GOT TO TALKING ABOUT NEW YORK PIZZA. I WAS TRYING TO EXPLAIN HOW MUCH SHE SHOULD APPRECIATE LIVING IN NYC WHERE SHE COULD GET ALL THE NYC PIZZA SHE WANTED. SHE ASKED ME IF IT COULD POSSIBLY BE THAT DIFFERENT AND I WAS ALL UMMM ITS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A PILE OF DOG SHIT AND A BAR OF CHOCOLATE. OR MAYBE LIKE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AUTHENTIC MEXICAN TACOS, AND TACO BELL. IT'S! NOT! THE! SAME! WE CONTINUED CHATTING AND I WAS LIKE YEAH YOU REALLY SHOULD FEEL LUCKY. HER RESPONSE WAS, WELL I'M SURE NEVADA HAS SOME SPECIALTY FOODS. I WAS LIKE YEAH WE HAVE BUFFETS AND BAD CHINESE. SHE JUST LAUGHED AT ME, BUT I WAS DEAD SERIOUS. HERE IN NEVADA WE HAVE NOTHING AT ALL THAT WE ARE FAMOUS FOR, OR THAT I WOULD MISS IF I LEFT (JEN AND LEE WOULD ARGUE THAT NEVADA HAS PORT OF SUBS, BUT SO DO OTHER STATES, NO OTHER STATE HAS NEW YORK PIZZA.) ALL THE SUDDEN PATTY ASKED FOR MY ADDRESS AND TOLD ME SHE WAS SENDING ME A NEW YORK PIZZA VIA IWANTNYPIZZA.COM. I NEARLY DIED RIGHT THEN AND THERE. THAT WAS THURSDAY. THUS BEGAN COUNTDOWN TO PIZZA DAY!

TODAY WAS THE BIG DAY. I WOKE UP FEELING EXTRA HAPPY. I BUDGETED MY CALORIES SO I COULD INDULGE AND I RUSHED HOME. I GOT HERE AND THERE IT WAS. MY VERY OWN NEW YORK PIZZA. IT WAS GOOD. IT WAS DELICIOUS. IT WAS PROBABLY ACTUALLY ONE OF THE MOST THOUGHTFUL GIFTS I HAVE EVER RECEIVED IN MY LIFE, AND NOW I FEEL SAD BECAUSE NEVADA IS FULL OF CRAP AND I HAVE NOTHING THAT COULD EVEN KIND OF COMPARE THAT I CAN SEND BACK TO PATTY. I'M GOING TO FIGURE SOMETHING OUT THOUGH, AND WHEN I DO, IT WILL BE GOOD, BUT IT WILL PALE IN COMPARRISON TO FRICKING NEW YORK PIZZA.

MUST STOP TYPING NOW, POSSIBLY DYING FROM CARB OVERLOAD, MUST ROLL FROM COUCH TO BED. LOVE YOU PATTY THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!

PS. IF YOU WANT TO FULLY UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL ABOUT NEW YORK PIZZA, YOU KNOW THAT MOVIE DODGE BALL WHERE BEN STILLER GETS PIZZA, THATS KIND OF HOW I FEEL ABOUT NEW YORK PIZZA.

Who gave me pets

Apparently I shouldn't be married. And seriously, who the fuck gave me kids? They say, when you go into rehab and AA and stuff before you can have a relationship you should get a pet. And before getting a pet you should get a plant.

When I moved out my mom thought that AA had a pretty good idea. So she brings me a plant. Ha ha! Not just any plant, a fucking violet. NICE! Thanks mom. Some kind of fancy water techniques with that one. Something about watering it from the bottom upside down while standing on your head and flying on a trapeze. No, that can't be it, because THAT sounds easy. Needless to say the violet last about 3 hours in my home.

After that I did what any logical person would do. I got myself a cat. Getting a cat was easy. Or at least mine was. You couldn't not feed it, the little fucker wouldn't let you forget. Seriously. If dinner time for him was 3:00 then you can bet at 2:55 he would go into full alert mode. MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWWWWWWWW! At 2:58 he would start biting you. At 3:00 he would start knocking shit over. And if you made it till 3:01 well then the little shit would just go chew a hole into the side of his food bag. I thought I was being smart by putting his food into a Tupperware, but he just knocked that off the shelf and pried it open (I do not lie this cat is a damn genius).

So then I got a dog. He was the same way. If I didn't feed him, that was fine with him, he would just hop on my counter and eat an entire loaf of bread. So you can bet I fed him right on time every day.

I'm doing good with the cat and the dog so I think, self, you've done good why not get yourself a man. I get a man. We get married we have kids. And then it happens. My parents buy us fish. Great. The first thing I think is, FUCK! Fish have no alarms. They have no meow, or barks. They can't bite me they have no way to say, "hey you, asshole human feed me I'm starving here." Everyone assures me that Rob is going to handle feeding the fish. So far this is how that has gone:

Monday:
Me: Hon did you feed the fish
Rob: Sure did

Tuesday:
Me: Hon did you feed the fish
Rob: Sure did

Wednesday:
Me: Hon did you feed the fish
Rob: Sure did

Thursday:
Me: Hon did you feed the fish
Rob: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh I think

Friday:
Me: Hon did you feed the fish
Rob: I think so maybe, not sure

Saturday:
Me: Hon did you feed the fish
Rob: No I had Cody do it.

So as you can see we are doing great with the fish huh. Anyway Sunday night rolls around and Rob looks in the tank to see our tiniest gold fish has died. Well shit. 1 out of 4 not so bad. A whole week the made it WOOHOO! We decide to wait till Brandon is asleep to scoop out his fish and flush it, because being the brainiac mom I am I can already foresee what would happen if he watched us. "Mama I wanna plush pish I wanna plush pish", thinking it was some sort of game. MOnday morning rolls around and I look in the tank to see tiny fish still floating. CRAP! Rob forgot to scoop him out. So me, Mrs. I'm not touching that so back of Mr. Had to scoop the fish out with the net and run to the bathroom to flush it while holding down chunks of vitamin and vomit.

On to yesterday evening. I look in the tank and see that my Sucker fish is dead. FUCK! Brandon will know that one is gone. I'm all freaked out. He's just floating there all weird and lifeless, and definitely not sucking on anything. I tell Rob and he says we will get it later. I come out about an hour later and the fucking fish is doing flips in the tank. Huh? Just to fuck with me he did a giant leap and flipped right in front of me. I didn't even know sucker fish could flip and leap. Well shit. Had Brandon been asleep I would have scooped that fish right out and flushed him. I guess it is a good thing we had to wait for him to go to sleep or I would have flushed a live fish.

I ask again, who in the fuck thought it was a good idea to give me fish? Sucker fish, more like fucker fish! I'll keep you all updated with this, see if I nearly flush anymore totally alive fish this week!

Fucking holidays

• Times I drove to the bank today and had to keep driving because it was closed: 1
• Times I went to put mail in the mail box today: 1
• Times my boss/mom put mail in the mail box today: 1
• Times we had to go back and get the mail out of the mail box because of the fucking holiday today: 1
• Times I called the insurance company today to add a dependent but couldn't talk to someone because of a holiday: 1
• Times I picked up the phone to call social security for Codis SS number: 3
• Times I checked my mail box at home but found it empty because it is a holiday: 1
• Times I called the power company but didn't get through because it was a holiday: 2
• Times I started to do the bank deposit but had to stop because no one could pick up the deposit: 2
  

FUCKING HOLIDAYS

Valentines day

From my mommy

(I would have taken pictures of the chocolates she got me but I ate em all)

From my husband

A how to guide on being ghetto

This week the girl in my office went to 7-11 to pick up her lunch. Shit, I could stop this whole post right there couldn't I. 7-11 for lunch, thats about as ghetto as it gets huh. The only times I've ever been to 7-11 for lunch is when I was menstruating or super high and really "needed" some nachos and/or powdered sugar donuts (not just any donuts, but the ones with the raspberry goo inside).

I digress. The girl in my office returned and announced that this particular 7-11 was going out of business and everything was 50% off. I paid it no mind since I can't buy alcohol or anything but water during Lent. Later that night my parents called and informed my husband that beer was basically being sold for about .50 each. He was impressed. They showed up with a ton of Bud Lite and Newcastle and I think anything I had ever done wrong to my husband was magically erased by the generosity of my parents toting arm loads of beer into my home. Not just any beer but Bud Lite AND Newcastle. To my husband Newcastle is similar to the difference between Hersheys and Godiva to me. He promptly popped open a fresh beer and exclaimed that he thought it tasted better because it was free and half off.

Tonight, I was sitting here talking to Robs friend who had just come from 7-11 for some chaw (a lá "The Sandlot." Suddenly I remembered that I wanted to go there. So I dumped the kids on Rob and off I went. I arrived to see little pink signs declaring the store half off and away I went. I walked straight for the Beer. I grabbed (3) more 6 packs of Bud Lite and (2) 40's of Corona. I feel ghetto just typing out that I purchased 40's.

As I was stocking up on all this beer it reminded me of my younger years. I could picture young skinny Shannon bopping into 7-11 with her posse of male friends (I still don't get along with women, they are all bitches) and heading for the alcohol. We would discover the sale and rather then stock up on good beer we would do what any logical college assholes would do. Go right for the cheapest beer. Keystone Lite half off HELL YA! Why pay .50 for a beer when we could pay .25 for one. Then I realized that is what all of my male friends would have done. What Shannon would have done was proceeded to bop up to the counter and purchase every single bottle of liquor AND OF COURSE every single mini bottle of liquor, "because they were cute and like teeny and stuff." Then I would have bought a few cherry Parliments and called it a night. I would have proceeded to see how much liquor I could drink at once since it was on sale I wouldn't have to ration, and when I was puking it back up that night, it would all feel okay, because that puke was much less expensive then the puke from the night before. (was that just the mother of all run on sentences or what). I could see me now. Drunkinly stumbling around a frat party telling anyone who would listen and even those who wouldn't about how awesome I was scoring 50% off alcohol and how, "I'm not even drunk guys," seconds before heaving onto their carpet. Oh to be 19 again.

Then genius struck. I walked to the chips and loaded up on stuff for Robs lunch 10-15 bags later I had Lays, Maui Onion chips, Wasabi chips, Doritos, Kettle chips and so on. I also grabbed about 7 bags of puffy Cheeto's for Brandon. I grabbed (5) packs of gum and about (9) Hersheys jumbo organic chocolate bars. I had (6) Kit Kats and (7) Twix for Robs lunch. He hasn't had candy in his lunch since Halloween when we picked through Brandon's loot. Not only would he be delighted to see candy in his lunch box it would be WHOLE candy bars! Yeah I was fully aware that he was going to want to do naughty things with me when I got home, beer, chips and candy, shit it couldn't get any better.

But it did. I ventured over to the novelty ice cream and picked up (3) cinnamon Choco Tacos for him. At that moment, I knew I had won the award for wife who did the best shopping at 7-11. I picked up some large Nestlé chocolate milk for Brandon, some M&ms, some donuts for his breakfast, some butter (shit it was the good Land O Lakes unsalted and it was half off and I was out of butter), and some other ice cream and various goodies.

I was about to leave when I realized I hadn't gotten the only thing I ever go there for. NACHOS. Okay that is a lie, I go there for nachos and raspberry jam filled powdered donuts, but mainly the nachos.

For me, eating nachos is nostalgic. Every time I get them I revert back to the days in high school when I was ALWAYS stoned. I would be out in the valley with my guy friends and we would get way high. You could tell I was stoned two ways. 1. I asked them to take me to get chicken, or 2. I asked them to take me to 7-11. We would get to 7-11 and it would feel as though I was a Catholic who had just set foot on the popes front door. I had a routine. I would head straight for the Slurppy machine, get a large Blue and then head for my donuts. I would put those on the counter and head back for some delicious nachos. Onions, triple cheese and chips and I was on my way. We would head back to Joshie D's house and I would proceed to stuff my face with food. The guys loved watching this, because for some reason guys get off seeing skinny girls eat. You should have seen how much they loved to watch me eat chicken tenders with ranch dripping off em, that might have had something to do with the sex noises I made while eating them.

However. Now, every time I get those nachos I realize something. You have to be really stoned to eat them, because fuck they taste like shit! And considering I made a deal with myself to never take another drink or another drug after having kids, you would think I would stop subjecting myself to the rancidness that is 7-11 nachos. But that's like saying that you would think at some point fat people would be smart enough to stop super sizing. I'll never be smart enough to avoid the nachos that are so toxic they could probably peal that paint Brandon spilled on my garage floor clean off!

When I got home it was as though Brandon's head nearly fucking exploded. I walked in carrying bag loads of goodies. All the guys ooohed and ahhhed over the beer while my son jumped from bag to bag shouting, CHEEYO'S, CHOGGLET NILP, DOE NUTS, CHOGGLET, GUM, CHOGGLET NILP, MAMA IT'S CHEEY'S AND CHOGGLET NILP. I swear he is laying in bed right now dreaming of how he loves that his mom is just ghetto enough to guy buy discount beer, milk and butter from her local gas station.

To reiterate, it hurts being this awesome ya'll!

New new new

Starting now I will be going back and commenting back to you on my posts. I never really believed that people did that but they do so now I will do it for you. If you leave me a comment and it is funny, interesting or questionable I will respond. Starting NOW...GO!

My job

I was cleaning my sons room yesterday when this starting coming together in my mind.

My job.
As your mom,
It is my job to put the lids back on your markers so you actually have markers to use next time
It is my job to kiss invisible owies in just the right spot
It is my job to know that Honcrean means you want some yogurt please
It is my job to know the difference between a hurt cry and a hungry cry
It is my job to know just how to tickle your back
It is my job to know just how you like your cheese
It is my job to put your toys away so next time you go to the place where your toys belong rather then where you left them they will be right there waiting
It is my job to make you eat more then Cheetos
It is my job to know precisely what cheese you want when you ask for cheese

As your wife,
It is my job to know where you left it and find it when it is hiding
It is my job to know how you want your steak
It is my job to know your a baby when your sick
It is my job to know bacon makes everything taste better

What are your jobs?

Hi from the land of , thats gross, we're sick, and THAT IS NOT HOW YOU REST YOUNG MAN!

HI. We are sick here. It's really fun. By we I mean my two kids. Brandon seems to have the flu or something and Codi is sneezing boogers 2 feet across the room. Oddly, when I type flu I ALWAYS type out flue because I work in the HVAC industry and flue is something I type daily.

Anyway we got new pets. Did I tell you that? Did I tell you that my parents bought us 4 little fish? They are cute. One of them is a bully but the other three are really nice and cute and sweet. Anyway since we are home sick we have nothing better to do besides sit around and watch fish swim.

Awww look at em. See the black on there, the one with the giant eyes? His name is orange fish (guess who named him). Well orange fish used to be pretty cute with his big ole bug eyes. That is, until we started really watching him and he got soooo gross. He poops like 2 inch long poops. He starts with about a half inch then does some weird swim dancing shimmy shake moves and pushes out another half in and before you know it hes swimming around with 2 inches of poop dangling out his ass. I shit you not (pun intended) I'm so bored I took pictures for proof. My camera is being a slut though so you can't see very well but look closely to see his pink poop!

Look at me, I have 1.5 inches of shit dangling out of me.

See it there, it's so long it goes all the way down in front of that egg. As gross as it is we have all been oddly mesmerized by it.

And of course, after the actual real orange fish came and ate orange fish (the black ones) 2 inch long poop, Brandon is now asking if he too can eat "pish poop".

In other news THIS IS NOT HOW YOU ACT WHEN YOU ARE SICK YOUNG MAN!!!!!

You can't even tell he's puking on my couch and coughing phlegm onto my arm and wiping 2 foot dangly gooey boogers onto my leg and belly can you?

THIS is exactly how you do sick.

You've got the right idea Codi!

Food & the final question

Saly asked me: I also want to know how you became so interested in as well as so diversified in everything culinary.

First of all there are a few things I should say. I don't know shit about food. Aside from 8 private classes at a culinary school here in my town I have no formal schooling. That being said, you should also know that I am a firm believer that schooling or not you need to have a passion for food and put heart into it to be able to cook. Anyway I will share with you my thoughts and beliefs on food, in a lovely little bulleted post.

• Like I said above, you need to love your food. I don't mean love it like a fat person loves cake, but love it for what it is. Food is there to taste good, and nourish you, and if you are cooking it for someone else it is there to show them how you feel about them. In my personal opinion, if you are cooking for a loved one you put your whole heart into it. Don't just throw something on a plate and call it good, put you heart into it. The number one way to tell when I'm in a funk, my food suffers. To most people it is still fine, but to my husband and I, its obvious when I'm having a bad week. I smile and laugh and purely enjoy every second of cooking every night. I enjoy it especially now that my husband eats vegetables.
• In my opinion this world over seasons food. I realize that we have grown up in a Dorito, trans fat, MSG super sodium world and that means when we cook at home a lot of us have a tendency to put to much SHIT on their food. When I cook most of the time, my food is very umm unmodified. When I cook a vegetable I like to taste my vegetable not butter and spice and shit. I like veggie, maybe some garlic and some olive oil. When I cook Mexican for myself, its simple flavors, some beans some veggies and a bit of salsa. I make my husbands two ways, some times with cumin and chilli powder and sometimes with just garlic and onions and then he can put some salsa on. He commented to me once that Americans really screw up Mexican food by putting to much shit in it. I didn't believe him and then I made the pork carnitas. I made them the way they were meant to be made. With onions and garlic and thats it. Everyone kept saying add peppers add this, yours will be plain and bland. My husband responded, NO I like to taste what I'm eating. I felt like a proud mom at that point knowing my husband preferred the natural unmodified food as opposed to over seasoned shit. I prefer a little stock on something to some kind of creamy gloppy canned soup dumped over it, I prefer to roast something then to boil it. I just like food to taste it's best.
• My passion for cooking came from birth. I've always had an interest in it. When I was little my mom had some old spice rack sitting outside and I took it and started spicing up my mud cakes before I fed them to the neighbor dogs. (FYI dogs like their mud cakes au natural also, NOT with cayenne pepper). My grandpa cooks too, also with no schooling, but simply from the heart. He was a military cook meaning he had to learn how to make stuff good and be creative. I love cooking. I'm calm while I cook, I'm peaceful and I am so proud to present my food.
• BE CREATIVE! I hate it when people don't think outside the box. Cooking isn't hard. Food doesn't have to be eaten the way you've always eaten it. For instance, with salads, ANYTHING can go on a salad. Doesn't matter what. Try out different beans, and different nuts, and cheeses. Salad isn't only croûtons and tomatoes. It's not just jarred salad dressings. IT'S NOT JUST DRESSINGS. I've used sour cream with salsa or hummus or just salsa in place of dressing. I've tried olives in my potato salad and sunflower seeds in my stir fry (YUM). I put chips on my sandwich (ruffles on pb&j whoah will blow your mind), and I like to use chips, or nuts or seeds in place of croûtons. I make pizza on pitas instead of dough. I've tasted whole wheat pasta with an open mind and I liked it better. The key here is to not be afraid!
• Not to advocate diets but sometimes trying different diets teaches you more about food. I've done Atkins and I've lived a gluten free lifestyle, and also tried being lactose free. Doing the entire diet might not be for you, BUT being restricted really teaches you to try new thing. It forces you to open your brain and think outside the box. When I want something I don't think, gee I'll run to the store and get it, I think how can I create that with what I have. When I make macaroni I use different cheese. When I want soup, I don't buy canned shit. I open my fridge look at the veggies and beans and potatoes and stock I have and think DUH SOUP! I put in garlic, leeks, spinach, cabbage, red beans, black beans, canalini beans, different spices (not much I like to taste my veggies), real tomatoes, and so on. I don't limit myself. It always always test better then a stupid can. Then I top it with different kinds of chips or cheeses. I try different breads. Rosemary bread rocks my socks. I can no longer eat plain frumpy bread I need rosemary or sourdough or ciabatta!
  
• Another thing I like to do is play with sauces. I make a great spicy lemon sauce, heavy cream lemon peels, red pepper flakes, poultry seasoning, cayenne pepper, and thats it. It's great on chicken and fish and asparagus. Experiment with one base and then tossing other things in to make a nice little dipping sauce for your food.
• As you cook, taste your food. How will you know if it is good unless you taste it first? I taste the whole way through the cooking. Remember things get spicier as they cook, pepper gets hotter if it is on direct heat as opposed to in a sauce, make sure you have enough garlic, enough salt, its not too sour or too sweet. TASTE TASTE TASTE!
• Try and use fresh stuff when you can. I do not use anything out of a can besides beans when I don't have time to make my own. I mostly buy fresh veggies, but for veggie dip I will use frozen spinach. Try and buy organic, try and buy fresh, take pride in what you buy, it may cost more, but in the end it adds years to your life, sets great examples for your kids and cost less then fast food or processed caca food!
  
• Most of all, remember, don't hide your food taste it, try everything once (no Rob this doesn't mean I will try tongue or other meats, I DON'T EAT MEAT).
  

Putting on my crazy hat

This was one of those weekends. Where I let the crazy come right out and SHINE! Rob and I been on a budget lately. This means that besides necessities I really haven't bought myself anything. And with the exception of veggies, dairy and soy food everything I've been buying myself has been cheap. I have bought store brand coffee creamer that taste like dust and I haven't had shaving cream in far to long. So Friday its nice out and I decide to ride my bike home. I had a million reasons not to, it was late, I still needed to go to the store and cook Rob dinner and he was home alone with both kids. But I made the choice and went riding. I got home and took Brandon with me to the store. When we got there my mom called and said she wanted to take Rob to sushi. Well since we only had one car because I had left mine at work and rode my bike home, he couldn't leave until I got home. I was trying to hurry but everyone kept calling and texting me asking if I was done yet. On top of everything Brandon had to go potty twice while we were there slowing me down. When we were done I headed to the check out and Brandon saw those little Lindt truffle chocolates and asked for one. He had been really good and I haven't bought him anything lately so I grabbed 2 for him and 2 for me. I knew that for single bite chocolates they were expensive, but I thought that since I had ridden my bike that day and would have to the next day, and had given up my bagel (more on that in a sec) that some chocolate wouldn't hurt. I tossed in a Godiva caramel too and called it a night. On the way home Brandon and I each ate one of our candies and I left the rest in Robs car for the next day as an incentive to really ride to work. I got home and Rob rushed off to sushi and a little part of me wanted to just kill him because he could just go out and eat what he wanted, he didn't have to count calories like me. But I digress. Saturday morning I woke up and I even did some yoga and then I went on my bike ride. I came home and ate a super healthy lunch and decided I could have my precious chocolates. I walked out to his car and they were gone. I asked him where he put them, because he doesn't eat chocolate I knew he had to have moved em. His reply, "I threw em away." I am pretty sure I resembled a tin can when he said this because I was crushed. To give you a little back story Rob is a neat freak. He hates stuff in his car. I have a bad habit of leaving stuff behind but I've gotten so good these last few years. HOWEVER since I didn't have a car and knew I would be getting it in the morning I figured it would be okay to leave my chocolate in the console over night with my bank receipts. I also figured since I was so super rushed out of his car so he could go to sushi he would understand why they were still there as I carried in all 7 grocery bags and got Brandon in all on my own just so he could hurry and leave. Here is where I got mad. He brought my bank receipts in but chose to throw away the chocolate. I got mad. I was like babe did you not learn last year when you threw away my perfectly good Krispy Kreme? His response was, "well you shouldn't have left it in my car, besides it's just candy, go buy more." There in lies the problem. I couldn't just buy more, that cost money. In my mind he had just tossed close to a dollar of chocolate in the trash and that dollar could pay for half of an organic milk for Brandon. Not to mention I only left it there because I had no where else to put it and I don't buy stuff for myself so the fact that I did meant there was no chance I would go spend more money to replace something I felt bad about buying anyway. Needless to say I was mad. I was mad he didn't even ask me if I wanted it, he just threw it away. I told him I was mad and went about my day.


Finally that night I just had to let the crazy out. I have felt so frustrated all week. With all the budgeting going on I'm automatically stressed from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. Add that to the fact that I always feel rushed. I rush to get both kids dressed and fed before work, and rush to make it to work on time, and rush to work as fast as I can so that taking care of the kids doesn't effect how much I get done, I rush home to make dinner, I rush to relax and then I rush to bed to start the day over. I barely blog anymore because that is time I could be doing dishes or reading to a kid or coloring with Brandon or folding a load of laundry. So when the weekend comes the last thing I want to do is rush. I knew that as far as Saturday went THE ONLY thing I had planned was to go for a bike ride at some point. THAT WAS IT. I woke up early and cleaned the house and did the dishes and got all my chores done and then I kinda just relaxed and picked up my book. I got Brandon down for a nap and I figured I would put together that movie you all watched this weekend because if I have the video camera out with him awake his big head has to be in front of it. I also knew that when he woke up my parents were coming to get him right away so I wasn't in any hurry to accomplish much while he napped. I told Rob I was going to ride "soon" and got dressed. I finished uploading my video, editing it and posting it. Rob started getting all fussy that I hadn't left yet. He was like what if Brandon wakes up then I'll have both kids. I was like yeah so I have them both every day. His response was, "your used to it though." My response, "How can you get used to it if you never do it?" I told him I would hurry and I rushed out of the house to ride. I got to work and got my car and I had to take my dads deposit to the bank and drop off a payment for him. Then I got excited because I remembered telling Rob on Friday morning that I had $6.00 in my wallet that I had been holding on to and I was going to use it to buy a bagel for lunch on Sat after riding. So I begin heading toward the bagel place and then I remembered that Rob was all stressed about having both kids, so I made the decision to forgo getting my bagel and just went home. I was pretty sad. Then the candy thing happened and it was safe to say I was really sad. I was starting to shut down and just get angry inside my head. Then Rob really pushed. He asked if he could go out with his friends that night. I was mad. PISSED. I wasn't mad that he wanted to go out at all, I was mad that earlier that day he had been giving me shit about leaving him with the kids but he didn't even think twice about just taking off and leaving me with the kids. I was done for the day. I got my book and just read on the couch. Finally I talked to Rob. I told him how I felt. I told him I feel like I spend my weekdays in hyper speed being rushed here and there and everywhere and that it bothered me to feel so rushed on my weekend. I told him how he always commented on other people rushing people through their day, and that he didn't even realize he did it to me. He said that he just thought when you say you are going to do something you should just jump right up and do it. I laughed at how many times he said he was going to clean the garage and then took a nap before doing it. I told him that I liked to wake up on Saturday and just talk about my day but that didn't mean I was going to do it right that second IT WAS SATURDAY for crying out loud. I told him that I hated feeling like I had to always take one kid and that when I didn't take at least one, I had to hurry and rush rush rush back because it was hard for him to have both kids. Even though I probably have a full weeks worth of milk pumped in the fridge. I told him that it bothered me that he would throw away the candy because I spent money on it, and I did something nice for me. Rob has a man account, he gets money to do whatever he wants with. I don't. When I get any money at all I pay bills with it. Birthday money, Christmas money, I pay bills. So when I took that couple dollars and bought myself something he just threw it away because it wasn't his. I also pointed out that had it been me I would have at least asked him before just throwing something away. I told him that I was retreating into my head and it was about to get bad. He apologized and totally got what I was saying and everything ended up okay. Would you believe after all of that he was cleaning the garage on Sunday and he just threw away a whole bag with out asking meaning I had to go dig out all of Codi's winter clothes because Rob didn't look in the bag? Anyway, Rob and I are fine now. We are fine because he totally let me unload on him and he heard what I said and he understood it. I even went later that day with my $6.00 I didn't spend on bagels and got us each an ice cream, I got him a cinnamon choco taco and me an ice cream snickers (I always pick something with peanuts the days Brandon goes to my parents and he is safely away from them.)


Me on the other hand, well I'm still having a rough week. Everything is feeling so overwhelming right now. Being a parent is kicking my ass. When I get in these places where I just go away Brandon wears on me. Mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama really starts to break a person down. I am on the verge of tears at least 5 times a morning. The next thing I know I'm yelling and then I'm feeling bad for yelling. It's an endless cycle when I'm in this place. I wake up angry I'm mean and after about 2 hours I'm feeling bad for the rest of the day for letting him wear on me. As I type this he's wearing me thin but I'm trying so hard not to let it happen. I feel lately like I'm on auto pilot. Like I'm just going through the motions because at any minute it will all blow up on me. Money stresses me out, not being a 100% mom to Brandon stresses me out, knowing I'm not giving my all in the kitchen stresses me out, and I'm feeling sad. I get into these places and getting out is so hard. I've been trying to make an effort not to encourage it. I try and be careful about the music I listen to, and what I watch. I have tried to just get caught up in a book so I'm not alone with my thoughts to long. I'm trying to eat healthier and take vitamins and cut out the crap so that hopefully that helps some. I think I'm the most worried about my son hating me because sometimes I'm just not on my game 100% . I worry now that I'm blogging too much, or reading to much, or cleaning to much and then I stop and I spend time with him and I feel like then I'm losing anything that was for me. This is such an endless cycle right now. It will be days before I'm pulled out and I'm not sure how long until I am pulled out this time. No one can do it for me, I have to just bear the dark and the light will come eventually and I'm willing to wait.


I'm glad I have this blog. I'm glad I can have a place to come and vent and get this all out rather then just hold it inside because I'm worried how those around me will respond. I'm glad I have a place where I can talk and you will all do nothing but understand. More then anything I'm glad I have a place I can come and write and just leave it here. I don't have to talk about it, I don't have to hear about it, I don't have to be judged about it. It just stays here in it's own little spot and I'm happy with that! And please do me a favor. If you ever see me, don't look at me with pity, or like I'm that weird girl. Realize that I came here and I said my piece and I'm done. I don't want to discuss it openly and verbally, I don't want to hear about it, I just want it to be done and left here. There is nothing worse then the way people can look at you, you know. Makes me feel like the outcast on Desperate Housewives sometimes. Oh, look at Shannon, she's the one who can't handle it all the time and sometimes puts her kid in time out to avoid a personal melt down. I'm not so stupid that I don't hear the talking and see the looks, I just choose to avoid them!

Parenting rule #46687

DON'T LEAVE YOUR CHILD UNATTENDED WITH WATER PAINTS!!!!!!!!!

boy the first vs Boy the second

Both boys are 2.75 months

The Boys

Untitled from wilddreemer on Vimeo.

Bye, I have more important things to do

See that...Know what that means?

It means

I don't have time for blogging, I must go ride my bike now

See you later suckers!