You know how they always say, never go to the store hungry? Well don't you know that you don't have to be hungry to take, "just a bite." As you all know I'm on a diet. I hate dieting. I hated it even more yesterday. You see I had to go to the grocery store. I had a nice healthy list full of good intentions. Then I walk in and come face to face with one hell of a Valentines Day display. Motherfucker! This will now be the 5th Valentines day that I will be on some kind of diet. One year, I wasn't even on an actual diet but I had just had surgery and couldn't eat. So I spent hours and hours in front of the TV watching Food Networks Valentines week. That involved about 40000 episodes of how to eat chocolate. I told myself that next year I would be able to drink the whole fondue pot if I wanted to. Alas I was on a diet last year and I was doing very good on it, so no chocolate from me. So there, right in front of me was another bitter reminder that yet another Valentines day would be passing and Shannon would still not be licking the bottom of the fondue pot! I was fine ignoring most of the Valentines stuff, until I got to the damn Dove Promises. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck just keep walking, look at your toes look at your toes, fuck the baby is on your belly you can't look at your toes, oh right, your belly the reason you can't eat the Dove Promises. Yes good idea Shannon walk away. I made it into the bread isle and was safely away from the candy at the front of the store. At least I knew where the other bad isles where (read all isles but the dog food, meat and paper products). But then I was bushwacked! Full on sneak attacked. There was another display. An end of isle display. Do you know what was on it? A new flavor of Hersheys kisses. DOUBLE FUCK! See not only am I a sucker for, well, food I'm a huge sucker for anything new. I'm like a robot about new things. I just have to try them. Normally even when I'm on a diet I will buy it and try it, because as long as I taste one I'm okay giving away the rest of the bag. These kisses were packaged in a pretty champagne bottle. Know why? Because they are new champagne flavor kisses. Oooooooo my eyes lit up into what I now refer to as DESERT FACE!
My hand reaches up to grab the beautiful bottle and then stops. I remember this weeks goal to lose 3 pounds. Then I remember the last months worth of trouble with Hershey's kisses. They wouldn't stop jumping in my mouth. No matter what I did, no matter where I hid them, I would find them again and eat 10 before I knew what happened. I slowly backed my cart away from the display and ran toward the milk isle as fast as I could.
BAM!
I came face to face with some sort of new center display. This one had NEW LIQUORICE. It was rainbow flavor and for a minute I got caught up by "all the pretty colors." Ooooh blue for blueberry and green for watermelon and OMG there was peach liquorice. I didn't even realize I was lovingly petting the bag until I noticed a guy staring at me from over across the way on the freezer side. Oh hee, erm, I swear I wasn't just stroking the bag of liquorice, I was just um, testing the uhh ummmm...Fuck I better run again before he really thought I lost my mind.
I quickly glance at my list and see that it's time to pick out a yummy new diet ice cream treat. Okay cool. I could finally pick out something sweet that was actually allowed in my cart.
But, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
There it was. The green carton. The once a year limited edition green carton. You know the one. The one that says LIMITED EDITION GIRL SCOUT COOKIE THIN MINT ICE CREAM. I felt my knees go week. Suddenly I couldn't walk anymore. I couldn't move. It was as though I was frozen in that moment. What kind of person passes up Girl Scout Cookie Ice Cream? Only a complete asshole does that.
So great, now I'm an asshole because fuck me I want to lose those three pounds. I go about my shopping, and this time I'm really scanning prices because I don't want to spend a lot of money. I push on toward the Lean Cuisines but think, no too much money, you know cuz I'm being frugal and all. So you can imagine how my eyes bugged out when I saw TEN JUMBO KING SIZE CANDY BARS FOR TEN DOLLARS. I didn't know what to do with myself at this point. I push on and then I run into a Pringles bin. This one has Pringles 10 for $10.00. Okay great I say. I can finally put something that is a good bargain in my cart. I look through em and discover a new flavor. Spicy guacamole. I toss em in (sucker for new things) and finally head safely to the check out.
Safe my ass. Now the evil was in my car. As much as I hate Pringles I was mesmerized by the NEW FLAVOR. I tasted one and holy mother of chocolate those bitches are good. So now I'm sitting here typing this blog about trying to avoid naughty foods with a can of Pringles sitting on my counter sending me come hither looks . They are trying to seduce me with their sexy green can and the phallic shape of their container. It says look at me I'm just the right size for your fat arm to fit into. They are whispering sweet nothings from across the room.
Come eat me Shannon, I won't make you fat, I'll make you look reallll sexy. You know you want me baby. I'll make you real happy and buy you a big house in the country. And I whisper back,
But my dear Pringles if I eat you, you will make my double chin a triple chin.
And then I quietly back away.
But they are still there, across the room, waiting patiently for the day when I fall off the wagon. Because I always do.
