Notes of importance

Note one: Today while running through the sprinklers with Brandon, I had to stop and ask myself if that slapping sound was my thighs or my flip flops. I consoled myself with fresh cookies and pizza.

Note two: While visiting a friend who had just bought a new water slide complete with a spray gun apparatus, my son got frustrated when the other kids wouldn't share. His remedy to this was to drop his drawers, grab his entire package (berries and all) and AIM at the kids with his, "squirt gun," while yelling I squirt you I squirt you and shooting pee all over the kids and the slide. I was mortified, the other two adults there just laughed at it. PEE! HE PEED ON KIDS! WHILE SHOUTING HE WOULD SQUIRT THEM! WHILE HOLDING HIS STUFF AND THRUSTING HIS HIPS OUT AS FAR AS POSSIBLE TO GET THE MOST OUT OF HIS AIM!

How do I remember this shit?

Quite a few years back I had eliminated almost all of my female friends and was mostly hanging out with some guys from a rival high school. We became pretty close and it is safe to say they rubbed off on me. They got me into Southpark, and camping at the lake, and other random things. One of the really funny things they would do is just announce randomly they had to poop. Then, you know, go poop.

So. One day Lisa and I are driving to Burlington Coat factory. We are just driving down the road and I look over at her and decide to try out my new line.

"Man, I've got to take a dump." I say with a huge grin.

Lisa totally freezes and then says, "um, uh, okay."

I realize immediately that girls are totally not supposed to act like boys. I try and cover my tracks and be like dude sorry the boys say it all the time I just thought it was a funny ice breaker. She wasn't having it. She was in a total state of shock. And I don't know who was more embarrassed me for saying it or her for having to hear it.

But it got worse. Because while I didn't in fact have to poop I did have to pee, but I don't think Lisa believed that. So we get to Burlington and I set of to go pee in the fastest possible time so she knows I only peed that I wasn't in fact dumping. However. Burlington apparantly has a ton of people take products into the bathroom and steal them. So they had some kind of system going where you had to push a button and then look at the camera, show them your hands and they would let you in. Only I don't see the button. I just see two printed signs with a hand on the doors. I'm thinking, okay push here. So I push. I push and push and push and turn around and shove it with my butt. I REALLY HAVE TO PEE. So I'm also kind of pacing and crossing my legs as I push and push and push. So I walk over the the boys bathroom and push. Nothing. I knock, nothing. I stand there looking around like an idiot. I am not kidding when I say this took me at least 3 minutes. Finally I look up between the two doors and see a tiny red button that says push with a sign about the cameras. I push the button and now realize, these people have probably been watching me this whole time laughing. I get in, do my business and get out.

The whole thing from start to finish probably takes 5 minutes.

No matter what I said, I don't think Lisa ever believed that I wasn't in there pooping for 5 minutes. But I did learn, that girls should never ever ever try and act cool like boys and shout out, "I have to take a dump."

So tell me, have you ever said something totally ridiculous like this and if so what?

Dirty little secrets

Have I ever told you that I don't like fried eggs. Well I don't. And I don't eat meat. So this means I don't like most breakfast foods. And right now you're thinking, "well doesn't she like french toast?" And I do, or well, I did. But now, no. Know why? Because it is covered in FRIED EGGS! I bet right now you are all thinking, "now she's done gone really crazy", and you would be right.

I think I made one to many trips to IHOP where they don't give a shit about your food and had one to many french toasts with thick pieces of fried egg dangling off the side.

It's sad too if you think about it. French toast used to be my favorite, BUT ONLY when my grammie cooked it. She always kept special boysenberry syrup for me too, and heated it the good way, you know putting the jar in a pot of boiling water. I could eat pounds of her french toast. Looking back I'm sure she made it because I liked it, but probably mostly because it was cheap.

The point of this is, if you take me out to eat, and I have the choice between breakfast and lunch I always pick lunch. If you take me somewhere that serves both, chances are you will all be eating eggs as I slather my french fries in some ranch. I think this bothers a lot of people. Really. I actually have noticed people become uncomfortable when I order a veggie sammich as opposed to some rotten fried eggs and bacon. This whole situation poses another big problem. As much as I hate eggs and most other breakfast things, I love toast and hashbrowns. This leaves me always wanting to order a sammich with a side of toast and fried potatoes. Can I just tell you how much that is frowned upon. Scuse me waitress can you just bring me a plate of carbs with a side of fried carbs and a vat of ranch to drown it in, really doesn't sound as classy as I would like it to.

My second point is that my most favorite breakfast is chips and some kind of dip. For years it was salsa and cream cheese, currently it's canned nacho cheese. It took YEARS before I let my husband know I did this. I would do the obligatory, toast and hash browns, or bagel while secretly yearning for my breakfast of chips. That is why I think I knew Rob was it when I gave in one morning looked him dead in the eye and pulled out my Tostitos and salsa. Do you know all these years later he still looks at me just the same, as if I'm out of my damn mind.

Psssh. Whats he know though, he's a fried egg lover.

One of my favorite things though is that my cousin is just like me. She's the same as me in the way that we could both probably survive on chips and dip. What is amusing though, is that a typical morning conversation between the two of us if often spoken over the crunch of chips. It's gotten to the point where I can recognize the difference in a normal pause in conversation and a pause to wipe chips and salsa crumbs. We are so strange.

What is your favorite breakfast food?