Don't worry I get it

Brandon and I are sharing a drumstick ice cream right now. The last piece of the extra yummy chocolate coating fell onto my leg. Brandon says I GET IT MOM. He picks it up shoves it in his mouth faster then I can say "give me back my chocolate" grins and says I get it huh! Geeeee thanks for sharing son.

Well isn't that sweet

My husband just said this to me:

"Don't worry dear, I promise not to plot against you with the boys for a few years, that way they will be old enough to run away!"

Well gee thanks dear!

But it is a good thing he is cute

Life with a two year old

• Choglet nilp choglet nilp choglet nilp. Fine Brandon here is your milk. Nooooo mom shake it shake it. Mom skakes milk and hands it back...mmmmm I lika it choglet nilp.
• Hold you hold you hold you hold you hold you hold you (translation, hold me)
• Help me help me help me. Can be said when he actually needs help OR can be said when I am trying to change him, or put him in the shopping cart, or generally doing anything he doesn't like. He starts screaming help me so it looks like I'm kidnapping him
• Brandon turn off the TV. NO I turn off. Okay you turn off.
• Okay lets put your shoes on. NO I put shoe on. Okay well put your socks on. NO I no lika sock. Fine no socks then. NO I put on sock. Okay well let me help you. NO I help you (translates to no I help me???). Fine do it yourself. I DO IT MOMMY I DO IT. Fine. Momma help me sock. Okay come here I'll help. NO I do it sock.
• Miggy Mouse Miggy mouse I watch Miggy Mouse
• Where papa. He's at work. Oooo papa wort. Where wabbit. He's on the TV. Where eyore? Where pooh? where Mramaw, where where where. For the love of God child I don't know where every damn person is every second of the day!
• Show me show me. Now to the untrained ear you would think he means show him something. No this means he is going to show ME something but he doesn't understand saying show you yet so he says SHOW ME! Any time he wants something he says show me then grabs you and drags you to where he wants you then tells you loudly SIT DOWN CHAIR. You better sit your ass down too or all hell breaks loose!
• Fwo up mommy Fwo up. This means mom, take this little teeny ass balloon and try not to push the baby out while you attempt to blow this shit up fast enough that I don't get impatient and begin jumping up and down mad.
  

Asshole nannies!

So yesterday my asshole nanny came to work. She is the lady who cleans our shop, and for some reason my son warships her so now she has become his at work nanny. It is helpful because I actually get work done while I'm there. However yesterday she let him stay up with out a nap until 5 fucking PM. Then kindly left him with me to deal with. So I'm stuck at home last night with a sleeping child at 5. I was super annoyed because I didn't think he would sleep until morning. I was right. At 5:45 he had a bad dream. The next thing I knew he was in a full melt down mode. For the first 35 minutes I think he was still half asleep and stuck in the dream so he was just going ape shit. Full on snot, booger, tear crying. Shaking, twitching and all around losing his Goddamn mind people. Finally he came out of the dream but was in a state of total over tiredness that he continued to scream for almost two more hours. Let me tell you how bad I wanted to kill someone, anyone at all yesterday. Well except for my son, because hell if I didn't feel so terrible for him.

Do you know how I know he was in a really bad way? Because I got so desperate I started doing irrational shit to make him happy. Including offering him oodles and oodles of chocolate. But people my son was so sad and upset and tired he turned down chocolate. I don't know what was more heartbreaking, his crying or that he didn't want chocolate. He didn't want milk, water, food, medicine, daddy, mama, papa or Elmo. Yeah we were in defcon 2 people, my son was pissed. Somehow I finally turned on Mickey Mouse (hate hate hate mouska mouska wtf is that shit) and he sort of calmed down. I finally went in to change his diaper and we turned Mermaid on in his room and laid down and the next thing I knew he was out.

Ohhh but it wasn't over. Around ten I found a little boy in my bed, and he only wanted me to cuddle him. Which meant laying on my right side (seering death pain, sleeping on right side while pregnant) and letting him sleep on my arm. So while I got zero sleep last night, he had a terrific night of sleep and woke up happy and chipper so I didn't mind. It actually felt good having him lay in bed with me and need me. As he gets older those moments where he needs his mommy are few and far between.

If that nanny comes in today though you can bet I'm going to give her a piece of my mind...I better wear ugly shoes so they don't get dirty when I put my foot up her ass!