And you think you want to be a mom?

Here are a few things I think everyone should know who has a kid or is considering having one.

Buy all socks in one style and all matching. This will make you life so much easier when you are rushing around in the morning and your kid is completely dress and the only thing holding you back is finding a pair of fucking socks that match.

Once you get socks you should hang a mesh bag on the wall near your kids clothes hamper and put all socks in this bag to assure yourself that the washing machine sock eating monster will not eat your socks.

When you find something your child likes i.e. coveted leak proof sippy cup with a straw in it, run out and but 43 of them. This will come in handy so when your kid is screaming at the top of his lungs for his damn cup and all you can find at every single store is cups that he takes one look at and chucks at your head.

Get an economy size bottle of Valium. Boys will freak you the fuck out. Forget child proofing they will outsmart it. Forget putting foam on corners they will hit hard enough to make the foam obsolete. They will jump off of everything, run into everything and also head butt you right in the head, teeth, mouth, temple and so on, just because their FATHERS taught them how to. If you think it looks scary it will make them laugh.

Leave the child safety locks at the store. They will figure out how to open the doors to all cabinets. This includes opening your bathroom cabinet and finding your tampons and running around the house unwrapping them and leaving tampon parts for your guests to find.

Do not put your very expensive ceramic Le Creuset pots in lower cabinets. They will climb in said cabinets and throw those pots out first because they are shiny and made of pretty colors.

String cheese does actually melt and CAN be smashed into your couch cushions.

Get some sort of hard wood or laminate. Babies leak. Sippy cups leak. Baby spoons leak. Everything about babies leaks on floors and it all stains. It is all invisible at first until it dries into a big black! spot.

WHERE'S BRANDON

Okay people this is my first venture with video. It's also taken from my cellphone so bare with me until my husband gives in and lets me get a grown up video camera that will record to my computer. Gosh!

How to be a genius

So like I mentioned before an old friend of mine Jenny got in contact with me. During one of our messages she brought up "THE DOORSTEP INCIDENT" HA! I started laughing so hard and decided I would share this with the world so you could all see what a jackass I was when I was friends with Shanna.

It was sophomore year. I only know this because I was driving my ford when Shanna and I went to start shit. I was grounded (no clue why but it had to be bad because I only got grounded maybe two times) so I was supposed to leave school and head directly to work. On the way out of the parking lot Jen pulled in front of me and flipped me off. Now! there was no reason for this because Jen and I had not a single problem with each other besides the fact that Shanna HATED! no wait DESPISED!! her because Jen was dating Shannas ex from like 25 years earlier. (side note:Shanna claimed all men as hers, if she dated them you did not ever look or talk to them. If she did not date them you still did not look or talk to them in case she felt like dating them) So I guess I was hated by association. Okay truth I'm sure there might have been some Shanna induced shit talking towards Jen but still I really had no reason not to like her.

Back to the point. I see her middle finger come out of her sunroof (I think, that may not be right could have been drivers window) and I'm furious for no reason other then I feel like stirring up shit. So I drive to Shannas grab her and tell her what just happened. BRILLIANT right? Ya I mean I was in high school so why not go looking for a reason to stir up shit. Shanna freaks out and decides she wants to go to Jens house. OK YAY lets load up and drive to someones house and yell at them. Again! Brilliant. We were fucking geniuses. We show up on her doorstep and her mom answers the door. YES I can definitely see how we thought this through. We ask to see Jen and the next thing I know Shanna is screaming at her and I'm throwing in a few YA's and nasty looks. The whole time we are doing this her mom is right there. Towards the end I begin to ask myself what the fuck we were doing screaming at this girl in front of her parents. You know that part in the Movie breakfast club where the Jock says he beat up the guy and his dad was so proud and then he thought about how that guy felt having to go home and and tell his dad he had just been beaten up? That is how I started feeling. All the sudden I was like wow how must this look to Jens mom now. Genius? NO! Jerks were more like it. After that I made a pretty big effort to just generally avoid Jen that way I didn't have to confront the situation. I remember running into her a few years later at the farmers market and she was really nice to me and I was thinking to myself what on earth could this girl have ever done to deserve that. Luckily in high school a few years later Jen and I made up and even went to a prom together with all our friends and had a great time.

So there you go. The famous doorstep incident which sounds so much more to me like the famous dumb ass incident. Ha! I think I could come up with a whole book of dumb shit stuff Shanna talked me into doing. On the flip side Jen do you remember that prom? The one where Nicole and Alla got all mad at each other because Alli had "been" with Scott, Nicoles date? Member we had to go because we weren't part of the SIX PACK. Sooooo don't miss high school.