PHATSO PHOTOS WEEK 14.5

OKAY SO THAT ALL OF YOU WILL SHOOSH HERE ARE YOUR DANG PHATSO BELLY PHOTOS. SEEEEEEE I DON'T LOOK PREGNANT I LOOK LIKE I DID BEFORE I STARTED MY DIET. ANYWHO OBVIOUSLY MY BOOBS AREN'T TRIPLING IN SIZE QUITE AS FAST AS THEY DID LAST TIME. I HOPE THIS DOESN'T MEAN I ALREADY USED UP ALL OF MY MILK SINCE BRANDON WAS THE WORLDS MOST SUPER NURSER. (YES I'M ULTRA SUPER PARANOID THAT THIS CHILD MIGHT NOT NURSE AS WELL OR AS LONG!)

THE MUCH ANTICIPATED BELLY SHOTS!

ALSO, THERE ARE TWO NEARLY IDENTICAL PICTURES HERE BECAUSE I COULDN'T PICK ONE AND MY HUSBAND COULDN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE SO HE COULDN'T PICK ONE EITHER.....ALSO BRANDON JUST HAD TO MAKE AN APPEARANCE. OH YEAH, APPARENTLY I GAIN PREGNANCY WEIGHT ALL OVER NOT JUST IN A NEAT LITTLE BALL LIKE JEN AND JULIA!

Emery interviewed me

1. What did you want to be when you were a little girl? (should I
already know this??)
What didn't I want to be when I was little. I wanted to be a physical therapist, a lawyer, a secretary (yes when I was little my cousin and I used to pretend to be secretaries), a superstar, a poet, a mom and so on.

2. What is your favorite scent in the whole wide world?
Ugggg. I love smells. Food smells, perfume smells, the smell of my husband (he never stinks..drives me nuts), the smell of my sons breath, the smell of his lotion, the smell of bacon, the smell before rain and after rain, the smell of Easter morning.

3. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?
Hmmmm. Well if I could drag my family along, (and by family I mean husband, kid, baby, mom, dad, grandma, grandpa and cousin, and her daughter) then I would move us all to Hawaii. I loved it there. The smell of the air, the sound of the ocean, the laid back way the city moved. However, I love living right where I am, I'm a Reno native, I could never be that person who just picked up her life and moved it, I need roots, and sunshine to grow.

4. Favorite movie?
I don't have favorites. I love so many movies and I never remember them until they are on HBO or something. How about what I don't love, I don't love scary movies (except the Hannibal series), I don't like documentaries, I don't like movies with people dying, and I hate guy movies, i.e. fast cars, motorcycles, THE MATRIX (HATRED), or any other man movie....ie anything with Tom Cruise

5. If you could ask God one question today, what would it be?
Uhhhhhh is my grandma really watching over me? and is that my dad who keeps turning my thermostat on and changing the settings on my washer and what about who keeps turning off the ice maker? also, did my dad really kill himself and why!

6. What is your biggest aspiration in this life?
To be the best mom I can be....To eat a lot of really good food!

So now its your turn, if you want me to interview you let me know send me a comment with your email and I will email your personal and individual questions. You can also email me at wilddreemer@yahoo.com

Why I could never be famous.

Reasons I could never be famous

1. I have never had a DUI

2. I don't do drugs

3. I've never had a DUI

4. I keep my clothes on

5. I've never had a DUI

6. I don't have an eating disorder

7. I have never been to rehab

8. I had kids and I didn't pawn them of on nannies or mannies

9. I'm still married

10. I have not dated my best friends husband or ex husband

11. I have never let my boyfriend wreck my Mercedes

12. I don't have 15 leased Mercedes in my driveway that are all blacked out and pimped

13. I don't have a tan

14. I've never had my kids visit me in rehab

and last but not least

15. I've never been to rehab and then gotten a DUI while sporting my 90 day sober AA chip and claiming I don't do coke yet having a usable amount in my car

I guess I can never be famous

return of the granny panties

Jen and I were talking the other day about buying underwear when we were pregnant. I advised her to never buy maternity undies. They are the most poorly designed things ever. I told her just to get some nice cotton undies, thong or regular as long as they were soft and sort of stretchy. I told her I loved a lot of the stuff at Gap Body. Later the next day I was picking out my days undies and I found my favorite plain old low cut cotton stretchy briefs with little flowers on them and a cute pink rim. I couldn't put them on fast enough. Then I remembered that I got these at the Gap Body sale. Now, when this store has a sale the best part is that everything is ridiculous cheap. Meaning I got undies ranging from .37 to .97 and bras for 1.97 at the most. Then I remembered that since it was a sale the selection was small, meaning I was only able to find one pair of the worlds softest panties. Now, this morning I go to my underwear drawer and I see no soft cotton panties and I'm sad. Really sad. I had to settle for something that is already giving me a wedgie and its only 9. Would it be wrong of me to just wash the same pair of undies every night for comfort sake or should I go on an underwear mission, only to find the perfect panties and discover they are going to cost me the equivalent of my first born and second born and my left toes?

A how to guide to parenting, part 2

HOW TO CREATE A SLIP AND SLIDE IN A PINCH

Tools needed:
1- Tile entryway (linoleum might also work)
1- Toddler

Step one: Leave toddler unattended for about 43 seconds (or long enough for mom to go pee with the door closed allll by herself)

Step two: Come back to find toddler splashing in water on your tile floor

Step three: Watch as toddler backs away about 15 feet and runs full speed toward water puddle

Step four: Realize, now that it is too late that,
A: Toddler is not wearing a diaper
B: Puddle of water is actually quite yellow and looks like pee

Step five: As you try and stop it and realize what is about to happen, watch as toddler gleefully throws himself onto his belly and slides across the tile floor in his pee

Step six: Stand there sort of dumbfounded as he splashes and slides and wiggles in pee

Step seven: Realize holy shit my child is playing in pee and stick him in sink to rinse

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Step eight: Realize that now for the rest of his life you are going to keep an eye on him, because why would he come to you and say "potty" when he can easily go create a slip and slide on the floor (which he did again 20 minutes later)?

MOVIE TIME

IF YOU HAVE 7 MINUTES AND 26 SECONDS TO WASTE WATCH THIS!





Brandon amusing himself from wilddreemer on Vimeo

My sons new way to amuse himself

These are all of my perfume bottles, and other smelly good potions and lotions. Looks normal right?

How about a close up..

Notice all of my missing sprayers....ya apparently my son is real offended by perfume bottles that actually spray perfume

Giggle award winner

Well since none of you shit heads submitted anything for the giggle awards, I took it upon myself to find stuff that made me laugh. At first, I read this, and I thought it might win.

BUT THEN!!!!

I read this. And I'm still laughing. This shit cracks me up! Go Jen. You totally made my day. It is so wonderful to have people admit that shit isn't always wine and roses. THANK YOU JEN I LOVE YOU FOR MAKING IT SO I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE!

Is chivalry dead? or, am I just whining?

Wednesday I had to stop at the store and pick up every thing for my BBQ this weekend. Now, I may only be about 14 weeks pregnant, but sometimes I feel like I'm about 7 or 8 months. Mainly it is when I have stand up from sitting on the floor or lift heavy things. Two of the things on my list were watermelon and bottle water. The sale that week was for the pack of 35 bottles of water. That alone was ultra heavy and on the bottom shelf of course. Being lazy I stuck it on the bottom of the cart so I don't have to lift it far, because even that amount of lifting felt a little straining. My watermelon was a big ole fatty. I get to the check out and leave the water at the bottom of the cart and the lady so graciously scans it for me there. Finally I'm all done and I'm walking at turtle speed and my body hurts and the cart is so heavy and I'm even asking myself if I can be any more whiny and pouty if I tried. I'm walking out the store, across the little spot you drive toward the parking lot. I'm trying to hurry because this very important guy in his extra important SUV is sighing at me and giving me dirty looks telling me to waddle my ass a little fatter so he can continue rushing off to his very important places. Look at me, I'm so frazzled by this I just wrote the king of all run on sentences.

ANNNNNNNYWAY As I'm waddle/rushing in front of this guy, my water comes crashing off my cart upside down on to the pavement. In this second I stop and I swear by looking at me you can tell I want to cry. I'm visibaly flustered and I just look at the guy pitifully. HE LOOKS THE OTHER WAY AND SIGHS LIKE WILL THIS GIRL HURRY UP. Then I finally try and bend down to pick up the water, and now would be a good time to tell you, this was the same day I wrote the post about my pants sliding off my ass because they were too big and missing the drawstring. So now here I am trying to pull my pants up with one hand, drag the water towards the cart with the other, finally giving in and letting my pants slide down to show my fabulous flower undies, I heft up the water with all the grace of a 2 year old and shove it on the top corner of my cart balancing it there with one hand and pulling my pants with the other. I ever so slowly start to move again and this guy is still getting frustrated and all twitchy looking. Finally I move out of his way and he zooms off so quick my water almost falls of again.


SO! The actual point here. Was it rude of him to just sit there watching me and sigh like a dick wad, or should he have gotten out to help an obviously frustrated girl in need? Oooor is it my fault for not puffing my belly out a little farther making it obvious I'm pregnant? Or is it option three that chivalry has been dead for a long time and I'm a stupid little girl for thinking he would help?

You know my husband always stops and helps people push their cars out of the road when they are broken down, why couldn't this guy help me with me 40 pound water?

How to turn your ass into a slide!

Step 1: Wear silky smooth undies

Step 2: Wear sweats with no drawsting

Step 3: Walk 5 steps

Step 4: Watch as sweats slide down over silky smooth undies and down around your knees.

A how to guide to parenting

HOW TO MAKE YOUR TODDLER HAVE A MELTDOWN IN 4 SECONDS!

We are teaching Brandon to say please and thank you. So usually when he asks for something I hold it back and say, "SAY PLEASE". Then he will choose to say please or not, depending on how bad he want something.

HOWEVER! DO NOT TRY THIS WHILE WITH HOLDING YOUR CHILDS MILK!

I filled up his milk and he was jumping around the kitchen giggling. Then I shut the fridge and said, Brandon say please. That was all it took, he started crying. So I put the milk on the counter, and said, "Honey just say please." He tried to reach the counter and before I knew it he went from giggling to full on melt down. Sobs, tears, screams, body shakes and all. I tried and tried to get him to say please and the more I tried the harder and louder he sobbed. Finally I handed over the milk. He was crying so bad that even after that he was still sniffling and sobbing and no longer wanting to play, he only wanted to cuddle and watch Incredibles with his prized milk.

So. Lesson of the day. DON'T FUCK WITH YOUR CHILD AND HIS MILK!

Misplaced

I know you all got a good laugh out of me leaving the cheese in the cheese drawer. However, when my son does this, it isn't funny its just plain cute.

Things Brandon has hidden:

1. A Bob the Builder CD. This was found in the bathroom drawer placed there totally with a purpose.

2. One set of work keys, found in the grass behind my work.

3. A flashlight, found inside the fridge on the bottom shelf, by the milk.

4. Toilet bowl scrubber, found inside the trash can.

5. Numerous milks found both in the cabinet inside of my pots and pans, AND behind the bookshelf in my living room.

6. Little socks these can be found under his TV stand on the bottom shelf in a nice little pile.

7. A whole roll of toilet paper. This can be found unrolled and then shoved in the toilet.

8. The bedroom remote, always in the living room.

9. The playstation controller never stays in the Playstation room it is always moved into the living room.

10. One half jumbo Costco size bottle of Emerils seasoning can be found on the kitchen floor and in my childs hair.

Spoke to soon

I was chatting with my aunt last night on yahoo. She asked how I was feeling. HA! I said this,

"Actually if my boobs didn't hurt I wouldn't even know I was pregnant. I'm not sick, my belly isn't popping out, and i'm not even having any weird side effects!"

This morning I woke up and I have wanted to puke now 4 times. Once when I opened the diaper pale. Once, when I changed a poopy diaper that I'm pretty sure was rotten sewage in disguise, once when my shit head cousin started sniffing his cast and tried blowing stink air out of it with a bike pump, and once just walking down the hall. Oh and once now reliving the cast thing.

Why did I open my big damn mouth? HUH? WHY!!!!!!!!

Learn something new everyday

So I was reading some random baby thing and it said, the reason pregnant women get sick so much and so bad while they are pregnant is because your body actually shuts down the immune system so that it won't reject the baby!! Aha? It all makes sense. Now I'm not so mad about being sick, I guess I would rather be sick then have my body kick my baby out...that would be cold for the baby.

Ignorance? Or Stupidity?

This weekend, I went to my moms house to help her fix her computer. During this mess we had to call her internet provider and ask them if there were any problems with her connection. I had to call because to put it nicely, "SBC INTERNET SERVICE SUCKS BIG ASSHOLE!" I'm on the phone with this lady, who I can barely hear. SINCE I can barely hear her, I can't tell what nationality she is, including if she is American! I have to state this now, so you can understand my frustration later. I explain no less then three times to this lady what I want. I explain, that we have put a private password on my moms router and I need to reset it. She keeps saying, ma'am I can't help with your e-mail password????? Huh, I'm not even talking about e-mail. Finally I get upset and I say, these words exactly,
"Is there someone else I can speak to, I'm not sure your understanding what I'm trying to say here, maybe a fresh pair of ears will help us."

Her reply,

"SO WHAT YOU MEAN IS YOU WANT TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE AMERICAN?"

HUH?

I ask her to please repeat that because I wasn't really sure I heard her actually say that to me.

"YOU WANT TO SPEAK TO AN AMERICAN?"

I pause for a second and say, "NO, I simply would like to speak to someone else because I just don't think you are understanding what I'm saying. I think you think I am talking about something else. If you wouldn't mind can I just speak to someone else?"

She tells me no, that everyone there is busy and I'm stuck with her. Finally I'm so overwhelmed with this lady I hand the phone to my mom. She asks the lady if she really just asked me if I wanted to talk to an American. The lady replies "Yes I did!" All mater o factly like! Moms like okay, now you really pissed me off, I want a manager now, that was rude and inappropriate, I was sitting right here, and never once did my daughter imply that she wanted someone else because you aren't American. Then my mom says this,
"Can I just ask you ma'am on a personal level what nationality you are?"

The lady responds with,
"Filipino"

My mom starts laughing and says,
"Do you realize, you just asked my daughter, who is MARRIED to a Filipino and who has a half Filipino son and another half Filipino child inside of her, if she would like to speak to an American?"

Moms really laughing at this point. She asks the lady how it is fair for her to make an assumption that I would be racist simply based on me being American? The lady was basically stumped. My mom continues, that maybe that lady shouldn't say things like that because she never knows who someone is related to, or married to and that you shouldn't make assumptions like that, especially when I in no way suggested she wasn't English. In the end the lady felt stupid and told my mom to tell me she was sorry, because she didn't realize that I had Filipino family.

I just don't understand. I felt like that was reverse racism or something. Like this girl was angry at me for being American or whatever. I'm one of the least racist people I know. I like everyone. I've had crushes on every ethnicity AND I MARRIED A DAMN FILIPINO. I will admit there are parts of my neighborhood I'm afraid to walk by, and they are inhabited by Hispanics, that is not why I'm afraid though. I'm afraid because the SWAT team has already raided their house because they are involved with drugs and gangs. I am also afraid because their are always some very fishy things going on outside. Not to mention, the rest of my non racist friends are also a little afraid of those couple houses. However, there are plenty of white people who scare me, and black people and purple people too. So it frustrates me, that this woman made such a judgment about me with out knowing a damn thing about me!

After thinking about this a little longer, the part I find amusing, is that I speak some Filipino. I actually could have showed off and said a few things to this woman, who assumed I didn't understand her, simply because she was Filipino. Now that I think about it, maybe it would have been more effective had I told her "Thank you, but kiss my ass in Filipino!"

Oprah is no longer safe to watch while pregnant

I'm watching Oprah on Tivo right now. She is doing a show called Cheers to You! She just brought on this lady Debbie from Operation Cuddle. What she does is help moms who want to give up their baby, instead of leaving it in a trash somewhere. Also, she helps moms with no money get prenatal care and even sets up adoptive families. One girl whose family was really upset she was pregnant so young, called Debbie and then next thing she knew they had thrown a baby shower, gotten her an OB and so on. The little girl is now six and her mom decided to keep her after seeing at the shower how many people were so happy for the baby to come. All the babies, and happiness and surprises have really gotten me bawling now. I'm not sure I can finish the story. I'm just glad my husband is outside because I'm actually crying that ugly cry with terrible sobbing and snorts. Uggggg, leave it to Oprah to make me blubber

WORST FINALE EVER!!!!!!!!

I hate you Grey's Anatomy! I HATE YOU IN CAPS! I HATE YOU IN ITALICS! I HATE YOU IN WEBDINGS! I HATE YOU! Finales aren't supposed to make you cry with saddness. They are supposed to make you happy. They are supposed to make you excited for the future. They are supposed to make you jump up and down with excitement for next season. THEY ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU WALK AWAY CRYING BECAUSE THEY TURNED THE WHOLE SHOW TO SHIT IN ONE HOUR AND FIFTEEN MINUTES!!!!! Worst finale ever. I'm not even looking forward to the mess they have created next season. Stupid dumb ass writers!!!!!!

ASHLEY

HI! I CAN'T READ YOUR BLOG!!!!! YOU ARE PRIVATE...ADD ME K wilddreemer@yahoo.com

A big ole can of whoop ass....assvice that is

Pretty sure I'm going to regret this later. However since most of you are way ahead of me on this I'm going to open this up for some serious assvice here. Ya'll said go ahead and potty train. Only problem. I'm pretty sure I have zero clue exactly how this potty training thing goes. Old organized Shannon would have pulled out all of my books and bought about 45 more while researching online all the perfectly right ways to do this. However, new worn out, overwhelmed, lazy mom Shannon says it sounds so much easier to just let you all tell me how it worked for you. I'll pick the best sounding one and go from there and when that doesn't work I'll move on down the list. Oh yeah be specific. Someone said they used a timer. Only they didn't tell me how long they set the timer for, did they use the timer for how long the kid was on the potty or how long between being one the potty, what kind of timer did they use, was it an egg, or the microwave or some cute froggy looking timer.

Does this world really not know how impatient I am??????

Went to the doctor today. Heartbeat was 154. That was it. NOTHING ELSE! A big fat nothing. Oh wait thats not true, I got told that is going to be another seven to eight weeks till I find out the sex. SEVEN TO EIGHT WEEKS!!!!!!!!! Does the world hate me? Fuck. Anyway, healthy mom, healthy baby blah blah still don't know if I get to register for a pink bundle me or a brown. Assholes! Oh but, I've only gained two pounds, which I can't manage to believe considering the amount of candy and chips I've been Hoovering lately!

THIS MONTHS AWARD

INTRODUCING THE
GIGGLE AWARDS
This month I decided to try something besides the dumb ass award. The giggle award is something that you or someone else has recently done that has made you laugh so hard you turned a little red, had some tears in your eyes and possibly even had a little drop of pee in your pants. So please share all of your stories and make every one laugh. I will announce the one that makes me laugh the hardest after about two weeks.

This award was inspired by a situation that happened between Ginger and I and some mayonnaise this weekend. I will leave the story for Ginger to submit in comment form on this blog because she really really laughed her ass off.

So what do I do with him

This morning Brandon was intently watching Blue's Clues. Just happily staring at the screen. Suddenly out of no where he went running to the bathroom screaming POOPOO POOPOO. He got to the door and started crying because it was shut. I opened the door, took off his diaper and he pushed his stool over to the toilet climbed up, did a number one and about 5 minutes later he did a number two.

My real question here is what do I do with this? Do I try and potty train him or do I just keep letting him randomly go to the potty? He isn't even two yet he is only 21.5 months old. Todays big step was that we went and bought a little Elmo potty seat to put over the big seat so he wouldn't fall into the toilet anymore. He hasn't gotten to try that out yet since we just got back from Elmo live and he is all tuckered out and passed right out on the drive home.

this is hilarious

I snagged this from Deborahs blog which she snagged from Shannons blog....sooooo hilarious. Anytime I need a laugh I read this!

Potty Talk A 3-year-old tells all from his mother's restroom stall. By Shannon Popkin

My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window.
People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked. There've been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco.
Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall:
"Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?"
At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full … 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity.
Cade continued, "Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh … Mommy! I'm trying to see in dere. Oh! I see dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get some candy!"
I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a screaming newborn when you need her? Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, "Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some!"
"No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies. Oh! Mommy!" He started to gag at this point. "Uh oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!" As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself: OK. There are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.
"Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going stinkies! Get up! Get up!" He grunted as he tried to pull me off. Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door.
"Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da door? What were you wooking at, Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?" More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation.
"Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy." He started pounding on the door. "Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands? I want to go out!!"
I saw that my "wait 'em out" plan was unraveling. As I sheepishly opened the door, and found an open sink, I thought, Where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my privacy?
But as my little herald gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow.

Talking on the phone

My son is talking on the phone right now. He is telling mommom (aka grandma) all about his day. He is talking all about how they went outsigh outsigh outsigh outsigh and then ball outsigh ball. Then he says Yeah, good, dog outsigh. I'm sure soon he will get to telling her all about how he just came to me and said poopoo so I took him to the big potty and he went pee. Only his pee pee didn't go all the way in so it came shooting back out at mom from under the toilet seat. It was so fun for him that he kept right on peeing and watching with delight as it came squirting out from under the seat and formed a yellow puddle on the floor and moms squeaky clean fresh moose jammies! mommom will think that is funny. Then he will take a break to say puppie Elmo and kitty are outsigh and that YEAH he wants to go. Then he will tell her how he was done going pee so he took his diaper to dad. But he must have gotten loose because he called out to mom. Only mom didn't go because she thought he was with dad. So since mom didn't go find him, she didn't know he was asking to go on the bathroom so, he squatted down and pooped on the floor in the bathroom. Then he'll tell mommom how mommy called daddy to clean it up and he freaked out and started gagging and ran away. Mommy made fun of dada and he got upset because the poopoo was so gross! Then, knock on the window and outsigh and dada night night and mama poop. Then he says yeah shannon yeah. After that he'll tell mommom how he found some old string cheese in his secret stinky food hiding place and ate it with out telling mom. He'll tell mommom how mommy wouldn't have even known if he hadn't thrown up on her second pair of fresh jammies for the night. The kid won't get off the phone or the toilet for that matter. He's all peed out and he just wants to sit on the toilet and say poopoo pee pee potty and clap at himself. Sigh! I guess tomorrow we are going to go buy a tiny toilet seat so he doesn't fall into the toilet anymore. Oh wait grandma puppy and baby and puppy! Nigh Nigh mommom, apple! Bye bye

Why this kid better be a girl

Reason one: I've eaten more candy in the last 11 weeks then I have in 25 years. Its embarrassing what I did with a bag of gummy bears today. In fact, this week I've eaten more candy then I have in years.

Reason two: Acne! Man, I've never had this many pimples. There are more pimples on one inch of my face then I've had on my entire body EVER IN MY LIFE. I've always been that girl who never washed her face, in fact it would sometimes get a splash of water in the shower and that was it. However I had basically flawless skin. A small pimple here or there, but nothing really ever noticeable. Now, NOW pimple city. I'm washing, scrubbing, pealing, picking, and short of lasering my skin off and nothing is working. They say girls steal your beauty so this little shit better be a girl!

Reason three: The hair. My gosh my hair has never grown faster. I don't mean my head hair either. I mean my leg hair, and my armpit hair, and my now apparently very noticeable mustache. Yeah MoMommy, you were mad that your coworkers said you had a belly AT LEAST THEY DIDN'T POINT OUT IT MIGHT BE TIME TO WAX YOUR UPPER LIP BECAUSE ITS GETTING OUT OF HAND. Oh and, Maybe you shouldn't stand in that light, it really makes you look furry!

Uumomma

HI. I just found your comments. For some reason, your comments and Kims comments aren't getting emailed to me. Sooo, hi, nice to meet you!

Advice

Okay, I emailed Amalah about this, but since she has something like 900 emails in her box she hasn't responded yet (I emailed like two days ago and I'm inpatient). Anyway my question is about my blog roll. This is in no way intended to offend anyone listed on there, I just need to ask. If I have people listed on there, who don't blog often, and by often I mean at least two times a week, then should I keep them listed. When I first read Amy's guide to getting noticed, she said the proper thing was to blog at least 3-5 times a week or people lose interest. So! If some of the people on my blog haven't blogged in quite a while, and probably wont again until I poke and prod, should I keep them up. I don't ask this to be mean, or to force them to blog I just ask because personally it drives me nuts when I check blogs daily and see the same damn blog title I've seen every day for the last month. So, some of you who have been blogging longer. Do I keep em, or delete them off my blog roll?

Things we don't talk about

First of all, I should start this blog with one of those TV disclaimers. You know the one that says, the opinions expressed on this blog are those soley of the editor and in no way reflect blah blah blah, you get the point.

I was reading this blog that Jen wrote. It reminded me so much of me while I was pregnant. You know, one of the things no one tells you when you get pregnant, is that you may not feel connected to that tiny alien you carry inside you. The second thing they don't tell you, is that it is totally okay to feel this way. I clearly remember how I felt when I was pregnant. When I first found out I was elated. I was so happy and excited, but I think more then anything I was excited that I was actually pregnant. After trying for years and having three intrauterine inseminations fail, you can imagine my shock to wake up one day and be pregnant when I wasn't even trying. After that wore off I was, well, detached. I didn't know this thing inside of me. I hadn't seen it, or met it and quite frankly its like sending me a picture of a kid and saying this is yours, you won't meet it but you have to love it. Well, sure, it is a nice picture and its neat, but love it. Come on. I loved my cat. I could see and touch and hold my cat. Everyone was so frustrated with me that I didn't just love this little "thing" inside of me. Basically everyone told me my feelings were wrong. OR they told me how they just knew they loved that baby from the day they conceived. They glowed and gloated and pretty much rubbed it in that I didn't feel that way. I would leave peoples houses feeling like, well, less of a person. I started to feel that maybe I wasn't capable of being a mom. Maybe, because I didn't love this thing inside of me I would be a bad mom. Finally one day while reading some book I came across this page that told me that the fact that I was even worried about how I would parent, meant that I was actually caring about this baby, I just didn't know it. For a while I even tried pretending. People who didn't know me well or who just didn't pay attention believed every word when I babbled about how excited and happy I was. It made them happy and they were comforted in knowing that I had said all the right things. At the shower I pretended to oooh and aahh over all these things I didn't know what to do with. In reality I was irritated as shit the shower wasn't over yet. I was more irritated that Shanna wouldn't leave and the most irritated when she pulled everything out of the box and pulled off all the tags. I was furious as she had made all of it nonreturnable, even things that didn't.

As the days got closer to Brandon's birth I felt nothing. All I felt was that in a few days I would have a kid and that would be weird. I was intrigued by what was going on in my body but I felt no attachment. In fact, if I had miscarried I have no clue how I would have felt. I know there would have been sadness, but I don't think it would have taken over my life.

In the end Brandon came and the millisecond he was born I was floored with emotion. It was as though I had never lived before that second. I could barely remember a life without him in it. I'm still frustrated that people gave me such a hard time. When I talked to Jen the first thing I did was let her know, it is totally okay that she felt that way. Its normal. And, when this baby comes, if she doesn't feel connected with it right away, thats fine, that is normal. Millions of women feel that every day. Pregnancy is hard enough with out telling you you're doing it wrong. Every pregnancy is different from every other. So when someone compares them and says yours is wrong it is one of the most overwhelming feelings in the world for you. It makes a girl think, shit I'm already fucking up pregnancy how will I ever care for a kid.

This time around I feel pretty much the same. Only this time instead of how will I love this thing, its how can I love another thing, when I already have the most perfect child alive? The one difference I'm making is that I am embracing pregnancy more. Which, is a lot easier when you aren't throwing up every 30 seconds. I'm trying to enjoy it and take my time and not rush it through. Besides the fact that I want to enjoy this pregnancy, taking my time gives me more time to enjoy my little boy before our lives are turned up side down.

I wish we didn't live in a world where everyone was so afraid to admit how they really feel, so when the next person came along they knew they weren't alone. I only hope that Jen doesn't feel beat down like I did. I hope she ends up surrounded by people who tell here ITS OKAY TO FREAK THE FUCK OUT THIS WHOLE TIME!

How to wear out a toddler

I! SHIT! YOU! NOT!

I was just in the bathroom going pee. Like always my son followed me in there. Then he did something strange. He said poo poo and took off his diaper. Out of curiosity I picked him up and put him on the big toiled. I SHIT YOU NOT MY 21 MONTH OLD SON JUST POOPED TWO GIANT POOPS IN THE TOILET. Then I took him in and wiped him up and we were done. Only problem is now he's going more, more, poopoo more, because he thought being on the potty was funny. Then he says MOREEEEEE POTTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. I had to force him out of the bathroom and hold him down to get his diaper back on. I don't at all think he is ready to be potty trained but, if he asks to go on thats fine. I will soooo not force this at all though.

I'm so smart, S M A R T

YAWN

I've yawned 7 times in the last four minutes. I am so very very tired.

AND THE WINNER IS...

CHRISTY!!! FROM CAKERWAKERS. WITH THIS POST:

The other night I was making spaghetti. Keep in mind that I never cook. When the pasta was ready (but still boiling in water), I asked John how I should scoop out the noodles. He looked at me like I had three heads and told me to go get the strainer. So that is what that bowl with holes in it is for. WOW, I am losing my freaking mind! Christy doesn't win anything, just the knowledge that she is a dumb ass like me!


I Picked this post because it really made me giggle. The only thing that would have made it better is if she reached her hand in and grabbed it out of the water. Christy was followed in second place by Jen. Jen forgot to submit her post but since it involved me I submitted it for her. Last week I told Jen she really really needed to read Gingers most recent post. She replied to me, "OMG I'm reading this now" I said which one, she says "the one about the alarms!" Huh, what now? Alarms. So I search her web page, nope, nothing about alarms. I ask Jen again, she reads me the title of the post...JEN WAS READING MY BLOG. She hadn't even navigated away from what she was already reading and somehow thought she was on Gingers blog. NERD!

Its so bad I had to wait till the next day to write about it

We are interviewing people to fill an office helper position in my office. That should be enough said right there, but there is soooo much more. Since we have had a problem in the past finding good help who can file simple alphabetical files we decided this time, so we would have them fill out and application and then we would have them file 7 files. The seven files I chose to have them file were:
5 purple customer files
Bill Pearce Honda 2007
Laurie Galvin
Home Depot store 3304 2007
Quail Business park 2007
Loretta Schumacher


2- Orange job files
Dan Koozer Job #07007
Ida Maye Job #07037

Okay now some background on our filing system. It is very easy. All along the wall are big file cabinets with drawers labeled alphabetically. Since we have lots of customers we are no longer able to just fit all of A in one drawer. So the first drawer is A-Ar and the second would be As-Az. Makes sense right? Also they are clearly labeled. Then, there is a small drawer on the other wall with orange job files. These are simply filed by job # which I explained to each person. All of our jobs with more then one year are filed with the newest year in front so it is the fastest to grab. If you look at the files you can clearly see it will go Bill Pearce 2005 with Bill Pearce 2006 in front and so on. Here is what I got.

First girl: She seems to breeze through the first 3 files. Then she gets to Quail Business park. She looks at the files labeled S and says no no Q wouldn't be here. She then proceeds to open the T drawer. Digs around in it, stares at it some, closes it, looks at it from the outside and repeats Q Q Q to herself. She opens the T drawer again, steps back very confused and says OOOO Q wouldn't be here. She then, goes back to the 4- S drawers and stares at them. Finally I think she stops and says the alphabet to herself and realizes Q COMES BEFORE S. So she begins reading all of the cabinets searching for Q. Q is a small section IT HAS ITS OWN DRAWER WITH A GIANT Q ON THE FRONT! She finally gets it. In the end she has filed Bill Pearce very close to where it should go but she filed it two files in front so the files went Bill Pearce Honda 2007, Larry Biel, Mary Bieller, Bill Pearce Honda 2006. Okay so -1 for first girl.

Girl two: She rushes through filing. I when I think she is done I go in and she is staring at the Bill Pearce file. She says, "Ummm I don't understand, there are two Bill Pearce 2005 files and two 2006 and two 2007 I don't get where this one goes." So, with more patience then I knew I had I said, well that is because the other ones say Bill Pearce Oldsmobile and these ones say Bill Pearce HONDA. (keep in mind at this point she can see how alllll of the Bill pearce files are filed.) She files the file and leaves. I found that she filed Bill Pearce 2007 behind 2005 making the order of the files to go 2007, 2005, 2006. Gee even I can see that isn't right. She then proceeds to file Home Depot 2007 all the way behind 2004. Oh boy. She files Schumacher after Schumaker so the files go, Dr. Schumacher, Kirk Schumacher, Mike Shumaker, Loretta Shumacher. Yes, those look in order right? The most interesting part of all is she filed the Quail 2007 file in the right spot making the files go 2005, 2006, 2007. Why would she do 2 files one way and a third the other? -3

The third lady files them all right but puts Bill Pearce in the back again. This flabbergasts me since she manages to file the other two right. How can you not manage to file consistently for 3 little files? -1

The forth girl. Oooo the poor forth girl. Still, this morning I can not understand her rational. Okay here it goes. I come in to check her. I look for the Bill Pearce file, it is NO WHERE TO BE FOUND. Okkkkay. I go to pull Galvin, NOPE. I ask her, ummm where did you file these? She opens the L drawer and pulls out Galvin. I pause look at the label and realize she has filed it under Laurie the first name. Now, heres where it gets good. She simply opened the L drawer and then dug around in it until she found another name that started with L then shoved the file in front of that one. Which means, had I given her a file named Zeke Jenkins she would have dug around in the Z's for hours trying to find a file with the first name Z and she would have been there forever because we don't have a name that starts with a Z and is also a Z last name. IT GETS BETTER. She then shoved Loretta Schumacher behind Laurie Galvin. She got Home Depot in the right file but in the wrong order. She got Quail in the right file in the right order. Still we can not find Bill Pearce. I go to the orange files, filed by job# and see that she has filed then by first name. So the first one is Dan Koozer. She files that between an A and P first named file. Then she files Ida May between two separate files. At this point we begin opening every drawer searching for Bill Pearce. We found it in the L's. While she was in the L drawer she saw a file labeled Bill Loefler. She stuck Bill Pearce after Bill Loefler. I almost died. That means 3 out of 5 purple files she filed in the SAME DRAWER. Even if she was trying to file by first name how could she possibly think B & L would go in the same file? -7

Today, before they are even allowed to fill out an application I am going to make them file! It can't get worse right? RIGHT???????

The one where Brandon dressed himself

Sorry, I don't know how to rotate it.

A reason I will probably be divorced very very soon

Again, more proof that I am a terrible awful mother.

To clear this up

I am a vegetarian. I don't like meat. However, for some reason since becoming a vegetarian the one thing I always cheat with is hot dogs. Heres the thing. Steak, taste like blood. It is sort of good and the idea of it is good, but the idea of eating a big hunk of dead cow oozing blood, really is enough to make me puke. Chicken, first that just taste bad, second it has veins and tendons and things that I cant even think of putting in my mouth. In fact eating chicken to me is probably about appealing as you guys eating a nice pile of dog shit covered in maggots and beetles. However for some reason hot dogs don't really bother me. I know, I'm weird.

And no, I didn't eat it, we went all the way to sparks for Cinco De Mayo and ate so many tacos I was too full to eat it and then the craving went away. For dinner I instead opted for a soy bacon, lettuce, tomato, avocado sandwich on whole wheat....way to healthy.

This might make Jen vomit

I just got a huge giant craving. Only, its for something that you have to have had before to truley appreciate. Boy, this is going to probably cause the biggest judgment of all judgments on this blog. There is a place here in Reno called Scoopers. On their menu is the biggest meanest baddest hot dog you ever saw. Are you ready for this.

THE DEEP FRIED BACON WRAPPED HOT DOG STUFFED WITH CHEESE, ON A BUN COVERED IN MORE CHEESE, ONIONS AND TRIPLE MAYO.

I need a bucket to contain all this drool. I will have this by the end of the weekend.

How do you see you?

I blog about everything on here. I mean everything, from my marriage to my friendships to boogers and poop. I don't censor anything at all. I have never been that person. I have never been the person who is afraid to step on someones toes, and I'm definitely not someone who gets embarrassed by much at all. In my real life for the most part I'm an open book. Lately, I'm more open if you ask the right questions, because with age I've realized blurting out certain things to friends will hurt them. Often I choose to just write about it here and be done with it. I also write about anyone. There is no one who is safe from being written about on here. I will not write about things that I have been asked to keep secret and if I do I don't use names.

The part I'm finding amusing is something I was guilty of one time before I realized I needed to stop. Ginger wrote a blog one time about her friends. I immediately emailed her and freaked out saying how sorry I was because I thought the blog was about me. That is why recently when she wrote another blog about nameless friends I said, hey this isn't about me and was done with it. I wrote a blog not to long ago where I discussed my three friends. I used their names. However, if I hadn't all three of them could have read about each person and found something to make them think each person was them. The same goes for most other blogs I write. I usually leave a lot of them very general and very nameless. I do that, so when you read it, you can see some of your own life in my writing and ask yourselves questions. If I fill it with a bunch of names it is harder for you to relate it to your own life.

I wrote a blog yesterday or the day before (all the days are the same to me now) about my friends and how they drive me nuts when they change in relationships. As I wrote it I knew that each of my friends would secretly wonder if that blog was about them. When in actuality a huge majority of the blog was about someone I'm not even "close" friends with. But I don't have to be best friends to know when someone has changed who they are 100%. There were small parts of my own friends in that blog. Very very small parts. The funny part is, about an hour ago I was met with an e-mail from a raging friend who somehow thought the blog was about her. The funniest part is, apparently she thought this because her husband is out of town and she happened to ask me to do something during that time. I had no clue. I knew we had plans tomorrow, but at no time did I remember her husband was gone. I'm actually laughing over here because I really really had no clue and she really really thought I was calling her out when I said the part about a friend only hanging with me when her husband was gone. The part that is even more funny is I think in the time I've known them, he's only gone out of town like twice, and the person I was talking about their significant other is gone allllllllot.

After she wrote me it made me wonder. How do people see themselves. How is it she read that blog AFTER reading a blog about how much I value my friendship with her and somehow saw so much negative in herself she assumed I was writing about her? There was a very small bit that was about her, very small but nothing near as much as she thought. I have to wonder, what it is that makes people stop and see the bad. If I would have read that very same blog, which I basically did with Ginger, I would have never thought it was about me. For the main reason that I know I'm a good friend and I do the best I can. I'm shocked the person who read this couldn't see in herself that she is a great friend. I really sat there for a few minutes before responding and wondered, can she really be so critical of herself to think I feel this annoyed toward her? I'm amused to say the least. I guess, I am getting what I wanted from this blog. I am making people stop and look at who they are and question themselves. So in a way I guess I am successful at doing what I aimed to do. I just recommend that next time, before you get angry and assume it is about you, that you stop and ask me first. I'll tell you in private that 90% of that blog was really written about __________!

Things my son knows

Brandon is getting so smart. Our new thing is asking him to point to his body parts. He can point to his, head, nose, eyes, ears, belly, feet, hands, mouth, and pee pee. This morning though, he looked right at me, pointed and said BOOB! I said "what now" Boob mom BOOOOOB (says this as he is poking me right in the boob.) He knows where to get his diapers. At the end of the day he puts his shoes back on the shelf in his closet and says Shoe! Then claps. He tries to throw stuff away, but isn't very successful with the child locks. He now says more and some when he wants something, followed by please. Its very cute when I am carrying pie out to my car and I hear SOME? PLEASE, SOME AHHHHHHHHH (that is the sound a toddler makes when he opens his mouth and says ahhh asking for you to please put pie in it). He knows where the bones are to feed the dog. He can open every door now. He knows where his milk goes and helps get it out. If he is hungry he will stand on a chair to see if he can find anything on the counter before he drags me to the fridge. He knows the key goes in the ignition. That the remote turns on the TV and they keyboard on the computer makes letters appear on the screen. In the morning if we are laying in bed he will roll over and grab the remote so I will turn on Noggin. When I go to the bathroom he races ahead of me and puts the toilet lid up, then he grabs toilet paper, wads it up and stuffs it between my legs (I discuss this in my most recent letter to Brandon), then he will put the lid down and flush the toilet. He can feed himself, and in fact I haven't been able to feed him anymore for probably 9 months or so. At dinner time he runs and get in his high chair and waits for the goodies. If something is out of his reach he grabs his back scratcher or something else with a pole and will use that to shimmy what ever he wants off of whatever it is on.

He is getting so smart.

memories

Gingers blog cracks me up. She is so funny living her single life in her own place. It has made me think back to when I first moved out. If only I had a blog then. You guys would be laughing your asses off all the time. Here are a few of my favorite memories.

• The first one was a day or two after I moved in. When I moved in here is what I came with. A vacuum. A bed. A George Forman grill. A 13 inch TV. A phone and a computer. So the second morning I woke up after a party and I was hungry. I called my cousin who lived very close and told her to bring me some breakfast stuff. She brought me two eggs in a zip lock bag and two pieces of bread. I wasn't sure what to do at first and then I decided to just crack my eggs on my George Forman grill. They ran all over the place but evenutally cooked, looking like something that would come out of a crimping iron. I proceeded to put my bread in, causing it to also be crimped but also as flat as cardboard. I slapped my eggs on my bread and ate. It was delicious and I didn't have a single dish!
• There was the time I backed out of my garage with the garage door closed.
• The time my cousin, her husband and I discovered the formal name of my carpet was mudslide (this came after I dumped an entire glass of that frozen mudslide stuff on my carpet hours before the party really started.)
• The time I decided to throw a part two nights after moving in, with NO FURNITURE AT ALL. So my guy friends took off to all the local stores and came back with about 50 crates. They built me a crate TV stand, a crate couch, a crate coffee table, a crate kitchen table, some crate chairs out back for smoking, and some crate lounge chairs in my living room. That was awesome.
• At that same party I lost my kitten. I had locked him in the guest room so he wouldn't get out and later I could not find him anywhere. The guys at the party were running around looking in mailboxes and generally scaring the shit out of me. Later after breaking into my guest room I found my kitten stuffed in the bottom drawer. He must have climbed in to nap and I must have closed the drawer on him. I'm awesome
• There was the time Shanna and I thought we were ravers so we put on our bathing suits, some Alice DJ and then took neon colored scrapbook paper and taped it all over my walls and then plugged in about 10 black lights. We then proceeded to dance and jump around like we were the most BOMB ravers ever. Oh yeah, she had this idea that ravers needed things in their hands to twirl, so she filled my socks with makeup and ran around my house twirling my socks.
• There was the time that Katie called and I didn't feel like answering and then I looked up and saw her staring at me through my porch window shaking her head.
• There was the time I drug Ginger and April to bed bath and beyond in the middle of the night to buy an expresso machine and then the next morning when I tried to use it I shot milk out the foamer all the way to my ceilinig and walls and across the street.
• Then there was the night April came over and we made dinner for these guys. Then we got drunk and decorated my Christmas tree. This somehow turned into a popcorn fight. It was that popcorn in the big tub you know, that three different flavor Christmas kind. The next day we were pretty sad when we discovered caramel popcorn melts into carpet. In fact when I moved there was still caramel popcorn stuck by my door.
• There was the time my ex moved out and his phone bill came to my house so Shanna and I got really drunk and she called every number on there and said she was engaged to him and he was cheating on them...that was a blast.
• The time we did the shot a minute thing for Katies birthday. I was smart and did shots of Jack Daniels coolers. In the end when my cousin came to get us to take us somewhere, she found us dancing on my kitchen table probably again in bathing suits.
  
• There was the time friend Mikey and his friend came over. I couldn't keep up with their drinking so I went to bed. Next thing I know Mikey is in my room with a JUMBO bottle of that Fridays premixed margarita stuff that was red. He wakes me up proudly proclaiming LOOK SHANNON I DRANK THE WHOLE THING. He climbs in bed with me and minutes later I wake up to him puking on my back and allllll over my feather comforter. I throw his ass in the shower where he proceeds to pass out with his head on the shower floor and his ass two feet up in the air. I go in the living room and find his friend passed out sitting up in front of the couch waking up every few seconds trying to order porn on pay perview. I had passworded it so he would wake up every couple seconds and push in 4 new numbers trying to see his porn.
• There was the time I sat out front watching the people across the street bbq and mentioned how good it smelled. Next thing I know their son shows up on my doorstep with a giant chicken breast and I felt like such an ass telling them I was a vegetarian and sending them back to their house with their sorry piece of chicken on the pretty plate...I felt guilty for years thinking I should have just taken it and fed it to my cat and dog.
  
• There was the time the neighbor boy who was in 8th grade developed a huge crush on me and sat on my porch telling me how next year he was totally going to be in high school and then we could so hook up.
  
• There was the time I had my cousins bachelorette party and I taped up paper penises allll over my walls to play pin the macho on the man. Sadly I had paper penis's taped to my wall for a few months. Also, I had left over play dough penis's from the who can make the best penis competition. I also had penis ice trays, penis toothpicks, penis straws and penis wrapping paper, oh yeah and a giant blow up man with duct tape over his crotch from the place where my cat bit a whole in him. People thought I was a pervert every time they grabbed a toothpick with a tiny penis on it.
• There was the time Shanna and I got drunk and spray painted our hair in my garage and then danced around like assholes in there.
  
• There was the time, I started experimenting with doing coke, and a friend of ours came over and he wanted to do a nummer (this is where you rub coke on your gums and it numbs it like orajel, he did not know this) the next thing you know he starts grabbing his arms and says I CAN FEEL IT WORKING, MY WHOLE BODY IS GOING NUMB. We nearly pissed ourselves as we explained what a nummer really was and that he was a complete ass.

I'm sure there are a ton more memories, I have the scrapbooks to prove it, these are just some of my favorites.

Because for some reason Gingers blogs always inspire me.

I was reading this blog by Ginger. I thought about it for a minute and realized I USED TO BE THAT GIRL....you know way back in high school when I was in a high school relationship. To recap Gingers blog is about how friends who are in relationships tend to treat their friends like fancy jewelry who only get used on special occasions, when they aren't busy with their significant other.

Her blog really got me thinking. Although a huge part of this is the girls fault, a big part of it falls on the guy you choose to spend your time with. A lot of guys are content letting you be their beck and call girl, or watching you follow them around like a puppy. A lot of guys are content dragging you around behind them and only calling on you when they really need you. It is because of this that a lot of girls who are eager to be part of their mans life will start to adopt the guys friends as their friends, and the guys hobbies as their hobbies. It isn't until their guy says YOUR NOT INVITED that they call on their forgotten friends to spend time with.

My husband is not that guy. He's never been the type to want a girl following him around or totally involved in every single thing he does. I'm the same way though. I like to scrapbook with out him. I love to go have a good meal with out him. I like to go dick around at the mall with out him and so on. These are the times I call my friends. When I have a craving for food I call Ginger and we ditch Rob and go eat. This is totally okay because Rob is also one of those guys who knows how to use a pot and pan and even a knife. My husband can cook food, and acutally enjoys cooking so he doesn't complain at all. When I want to go play at a store I call any one of my friends, usually Lisa and I leave Rob at home. Rob jumps for joy because he hates being dragged around stores (unless its a sports store, which I soooo won't go to). When this happens Robs all "thank you (insert friends name here) for getting me out of going to the store/mall with her!"

On the flip side Rob goes a ton of places I don't go. Not because I'm not invited, because I am always welcome, but because I don't feel like following him every damn place he goes. Example. On Cinco De Mayo we will all go down town for some tacos (me corn on the cob) and party. After he asked me to go with him to a friends house to watch something. I said, nope. You can totally go but it doesn't sound fun at all. So many girls would go because they feel they have to be attached at the hip, and so many girls would go because their guy would make them feel like shit if they didn't continue following them around like a puppy. Rob often goes to Bulleys for beer and sports games. I AM ALWAYS INVITED. I go maybe one out of every 4 times. Usually the only time I come is when I'm having a serious craving for Bulleys ranch. But I realize, like I have always said, COUPLE NEED TIME APART. You have to take time apart to spend with the other people in your life. It is a necessity. If you don't, then years down the road, when you need a friend and they are all long gone you will sit back resenting your guy for letting you make your entire life revolve around them. Like my grandma always says HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU NEVER LEAVE!!!!

The funniest part about those friends (you know the ones who only come hang out with you when their guy states that they are uninvited to where ever they are going or when their guy is out of town) is that they really don't think we notice when they do this. Its like we can't tell they are throwing us a bone and saying okay here is my once a month effort to hang out with you so you know we are still friends. They don't think we can tell it feels totally forced and that if their guy called they would drop us in a second. Also, it doesn't count as hanging out when you spend 2 out of the 3 hours we are together texting or calling your guy. When you do that we still feel like we are alone dumbass.

Like I was saying, a lot of this comes down to the guy. A few years ago I was going through some kind of pitty part where I was totally fine only being with Rob. He wasn't okay with this. he would still go do his thing and he would say, babe call a friend. He didn't just let me become one of those high school girls, he pushed me to keep my friends in my life. He also makes an effort to give my friends and I our space. If my friends come over he jumps at the chance to go play video games and he leaves us to gossip and talk with out my friend feeling like I'm not really hanging out with her. Also, Rob and I arean't one of those annoying couples in public who are all kiss kiss, mush mush if you hang out with us you will feel left out. In fact we are the opposite. Most of the time we are out with friends is spent with Rob and my friend ganging up on me and telling me how dorky I am. All of my friends feel included and actually enjoy spending time with me and Rob. I have often had to hang out with friends and their guy where they spend the whole time sitting in each others lap kissing and being stupid. They make you feel worse then if you didn't even come.

So Ging, even though I'm not single I can still totally relate to what you are saying. Thats why you and I have to stick together. That is probably why you are the one who gets bothered to go eat with me the most, because I know you won't have to check with anyone before you go with me.

No the crazy is worse then that

So Mae says I should take precautions. Lemme tell you about my precautions. I have a super duper alarm system. Every window and door in my house is alarmed. I have a panic button, motion sensors and so on. Even the man door in my garage is alarmed. If a door to my house opens even if the alarm ins't set, it beeps. The only things in my house that are not alarmed are my screen door (which is getting fixed soon since my son knows how to open it), my attic and my crawl space. Okay are you ready. I am actually terrified someone will come into my house through the attic and/or crawl space. When my husband asks me how exactly they will get in there, I look at him like he's an idiot and say, dead seriously, "Well duh Rob, when we are at work they will just cut a small hole in that side of our house over there and crawl right under!" I am 100% serious as I say this. I have inquired about alarming my crawl and attic space. I was laughed at.

But wait theres more. I won't flush a toilet at night. I don't know why, I think somehow I'm afraid it will let the kidnappers know I'm awake and they will come get me. Also the closet doors all have to be shut or I freak out. I can't see the closet door from my bed but if I get up for a drink or to go pee and notice it is open, even two inches, I lose my shit. WHY? Because 2 inches is the perfect amount for a killer to be peaking out. Did I also mention we have no fewer then five guns in our house (we have a permit) and I live next door to a cop, across from a military guy and a few houses away from a US marshal! None of this comforts me. I figure the burglar will do his research and come after me because our house is the non police/military house!

This is why Brandon sleeps with me. When he was a newborn Rob used to work nights. I realized that I was too afraid to even go to Brandons room (which at the time the door to his room was less then a foot from mint) because I was afraid of being killed. So I moved all his changing stuff to the foot of my bed. This is when I realized I was not going to ever be able to let him sleep in his room because that is just like leaving a big red juicy target for killers. So you ask, "hey Shannon, you are going to have another kid, what will you do with this one?" I have nooooo fucking clue people. I am starting to think i will have two kids in my bed. Then you say all cocky and matter o factly, "well Shannon, what did you do before Rob lived with you?" Well duh, I was a drunk insomniac. I barely slept I would sit up all night watching Food Network, then when it went to infomercials I would go online and chat with my friends on AOL. When I noticed I was getting too tired after a few nights of this I would take some Nyquil, an Ambian and a shot of Jaeger and count on my guard dog to wake me up if someone came near my house (which he totally rocked at).

So there. I'm crazier then you thought. What have you got for me now? I'll tell you why I'm crazier and crazier.

My brain is dripping

No, really. I've been sick for ever now. My brain is dripping out my nose, I'm coughing up my lungs, puking out my guts...and plenty more I'll be nice and not share with you (ooo shocking I'm going to keep my mouth shut). Any way, when your brain is leaking you do whatever you can to keep the last of it inside of your head. So I do this at work today and one of the girls in my office says "YOU ARE GROSS I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ARE DOING THAT!" I felt all bad and stopped and I was like gee, that was rude. Rob doesn't seem to mind when I do it, neither does Brandon or my mom. So, I'm going to show ya'll a picture and you can tell me....
IS IT REALLY THAT BAD????




So can't believe I'm showing you this picture....




OMG no shit talking.....





NO laughing.....




Okay, be honest, am I weird or what?

I think I might actually embarrass myself here, and I don't get embarrassed often.

To be normal?

Have you ever sat at home thinking to yourself, "gee I wish I could be normal?" I don't usually. However, Monday night I found myself in bed actually crying and wishing I could be normal. There are so many things about me that drive me nuts. Things that I imagine make me hard to live with. Things that make me realize my husband is more then a saint for tolerating my sorry ass. Here are a few of them.

• I am afraid of the dark. This seems normal enough right? Wrong. Because of this, I can not sleep now unless my husband is in bed with me. Reason one, someone could kill me and my son (who sleeps in my bed). Reason two, unless I face Brandon there is a chance he could roll of the bed or he could be kidnapped while my back was turned, because really you never know who is hiding in the closet. Because I'm pregnant it hurts to sleep facing Brandon so instead I lay awake until Rob comes to bed. This means, if he doesn't come into bed when I'm tired I become so cranky I start yelling at him or pick a huge fight. It drives him nuts because he likes to stay up after his soft ball games or go out on weekends. When he goes out, I lay in bed cranky till he comes home. Once it gets close to two he starts getting awful text messages. Imagine how tired I am when he goes over night to Atwater.
  
• I have a little crazy in me. This means I can get mad at the drop of a hat. It also means that some times I find parenting to be impossible and I take it out on Rob for not helping enough. Then when he tries to help I scream at him taht he isn't doing it my way!
• For some reason since having a kid, I feel like I do nothing. I don't have any energy. I don't care about cleaning or doing chores. I huff and puff when I do them. This sucks because I know I should want to be that good wife who gets off on dusting and traipsing around to clean.
  
• Again with the crazy. I get so angry I sometimes don't know why I'm mad, then I cry, then I laugh, then I get all lovey dovey. I often change moods within a matter of seconds. In the morning you never know which Shannon you are waking up to. I know I probably should take medicine but I refuse.
• I know I could get some sort of help for my fear of dark and being killed and what not. However I'm more afraid that if I get help then something will happen. If I finally let my guard down, that is the moment someone will get me. If I finally let my son sleep in his room that is the second someone will decide to break in and kill him or steal him. If I actually go to sleep while he is sleeping without Rob, he will roll of and break his neck or he will choke or stop breathing.
  

These are just a few of my crazys, there are so many more but these are the ones that jump out at me. Basically I am starting to get on my own nerves because I realize how hard I must be to live with. I just don't know what to do....Sigh.

In which I get dumber and dumber and dumber (because dumber is a word right?)

I'm sitting here reading Gingers blog, and Stephs blog and everyones blog and the noticable theme is wine. So I think to myself, why not grab a lovely glass of wine. Oh no you have some amaretto. Oh wait you don't drink. Well, maybe since you haven't drank in almost a year it would be okay if you just drank a little. OH WAIT DUMBASS YOUR PREGNANT....Wow seriously I really honestly forgot I was pregnant and was about to have some wine. I'm so smart!

Me Vs. Ginger

Recently Ginger and I seem to be having a little competition to see who can cut their hands up worse doing stupid ass things. First, I cut my hand trying to pry a piece of my vacuum together with a screwdriver...flathead, slips gouges other hand, peels off a few layers of skin. This was followed by Ginger slicing herself trying to get something out of a pan, I think rice crispy treats or brownies, or basically some sort of desert. Then I was just being stupid with my knife and I sliced my thumb. It was a very small slice, so small in fact that it was annoying like a paper cut. Ginger then cut herself I can't remember how. Then I scraped the front of my finger. A few days ago Ginger just plain tried to slice her hand off to the point where she was afraid to look down but somehow only managed to barely peel the first layer of skin off. I've got her beat tonight. I was cutting an avocado in half with a steak knife, no problem there. It was when I tried to whack the steak knife into the avocado to get the pit out that I had an issue. The knife went right passed the pit, through the avocado and through my hand, right where I had just cut it with the screw driver. Okay Ging, your turn.

Ha ha ha I can't believe I forgot this happened

So I'm chatting with Jen just now about baby things. All the sudden it hits me. The funniest memory. I go to pick up Brandon one night from my parents. I ring the door bell and there is a lot of shuffling going on. Finally they answer and they look guilty and suspicious. I ask whats up and they say NOTHING! To tired to argue, I pack up my kid and his pack and play bassinet and we leave. A few days later my cousin is yahooing me and is like ha ha I can't believe your mom put her vibrator in Brandons bassinet.

STOP
WHAT NOW??
HOWS THAT?

This is what happened next...

MOOOOOOOOOOM GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW (we are at work). Mom comes in.

Mom, did you put your vibrator in Brandon's bassinet? (Mom turns red)

Mommmmmmmm are you kidding me?

Mom replies, "well I put it in a pillow case so I didn't think there was a problem"!

Umm OMG. I don't know what bothered me more, the fact that my mom put a vibrator in his bassinet or the fact that my mom had a vibrator...Shudder.

That is what I get for not making sure my travel bassinet had a vibrating function like the one I had at work!

the joke

So I'm sitting at work at 9:54 AM enjoying some extremely healthy Laffy Taffy. I have seen this joke on them about 10 times and still don't' get it, so I'm reaching out for help, please someone explain how this is supposed to make sense.

Q: What garden has the most vegetables?

A: A flash garden??????

WHAT THE FUCK!

Dumbass awards

Okay people, here are the few responses I got....I want more, because so far nothing entirely jumps out besides Christys "how do I get the noodles mishap".....

~~JarretNJulia~~ said...

Hmmm, okay you already know about one of my most recent dumbass moments when I burned my finger/hand.

pregnancy dementia?????

I was just cooking dinner and my husband was in the kitchen with me and we were talking. So far so good. I just pulled the pasta off the hot ass plate and kept on talking and then tried folding some aluminum foil that I put on the stove forgetting that that right front plate was still scolding ass HOT and I TOUCHED IT. It burned my middle finger really bad and it hurts like shit. Sorry for the cussing but I am mad at myself and in pain. This sucks. How could I forget that I just used that side of the stove??????
OUCH :(

10:37 AM

Christy said...

I wrote a whole post about my dumb ass.

I gots me some smarts

When Porgie settled down to take her first nap this morning, I started working on a wonderful post for you. It was witty and smart, with lots of adorable baby pictures. But you will never see that post. After working on it for about 45 minutes, I accidentally deleted it. I am a jackass.

I seem to be doing a lot of stupid things lately. So, I'll share some of my stupidity with you.

1. After writing a new blog post, I proofread my writing three times before I click the publish button. However, I always see a mistake as soon as I view my blog. Then I have to go back and edit the post again. If you see a typo, just know that I proofread 268 times, but I just didn't see that stupid ass mistake. Sorry.

2. The other night I was making spaghetti. Keep in mind that I never cook. When the pasta was ready (but still boiling in water), I asked John how I should scoop out the noodles. He looked at me like I had three heads and told me to go get the strainer. So that is what that bowl with holes in it is for. WOW, I am losing my freaking mind! LOOKING LIKE THE WINNER SO FAR, BECAUSE IT IS JUST PLAIN HILARIOUS!

3. This one happened awhile ago, but it is so ridiculous that I have to share it with you. John and I were at our insurance agent's office. Somehow, we started talking about college. I was telling our agent about an intersession class I had taken. Suddenly, John busted out laughing. Apparently, instead of calling it an intersession class, I called it an intercourse class. What the hell is wrong with me?

4. The other night, I was getting ready to go to bed. I turned out all of the lights and headed toward the bedroom. I thought I was walking into my room, but instead I slammed right into the door. That one really hurt.

5. This one really shows my stupidity. Last night Porgie slept through the night again. I woke up at 5:50 and started worrying about her. I could not go back to sleep until I checked on her. So, I tiptoed into her room and peered into the crib. She was sleeping peacefully. I turned around to leave and ran into her book stand. I woke her up.

1:55 PM

Lindz said...

I really need to think about this one but I promise it will be a doozey (and I'm NOT pregnant) I'm just a dumbass by nature... ask Jen.

4:08 PM

Cheatwoods said...

When i was preg w/ Z someone in a small group introduced themselves and said "hi, im Jessica." I just staired at her and smiled, I realized I wasnt the one who just said that she was! sounds wierd right! Well it was the exact same thing I was going to say so in my head I had said it because I herd it! LOL. that was pretty stupid!

4:11 PM

Jeninacide said...

Ok, so yesterday my roommate sent me an e-mail that said "I'm sorry I haven't mopped the kitchen in a while! Sorry! I will do it tonight." I was like: Yeah, ok whatever and ignored her e-mail and ended up going to bed before she got home from work last night.

So today I am talking to Erick and I'm like "Keturah sent me an email yesterday saying she was going to mop the floor, and I ignored it, rightfully so I guess." - Thinking that she had not mopped.

Erick was like "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!? DID YOU NOT SEEEE THE KITCHEN THIS MORNING? You practically TRIPPED over the mop and bucket on your way in!"

I was like "Oh. Nope! Didn't notice! WHOOPS!"

Glad I didn't say anything to Keturah about it!

6:01 PM

Ginger said...

I actually got all the way to work one day and I still had my slippers on. I was all dressed nice, with slacks and a nice sweater, my hair done, etc. and I go to get out of the car at work and realized I had my cool slipper boots with pink flames on the side on!

Almost as good as the time in high school (I think) that Katie got in the shower with her pj's on.

Now, I did come across this other hilarious post, only I have no clue where or when I read it. It was something about a lady trying to microwave her food in the breadbox, and then when it didn't ding she figured she was just being dumb and forgot to start it so she stared at the bread box searching for the microwave buttons...I really liked this one, it sounds like me. Only I can't find the post again, so this person doesn't get entered. This is your last chance to submit a moment before I choose March's winner.