PHATSO PHOTOS WEEK 23

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SMALL MONKEY THING USED TO FIT IN THAT BELLY

ITS BLURRY BUT I LIKE THE ROUNDNESS IN THIS ONE

CAN YOU SEE THE WAIST BAND OF MY SUPER HIGH WAISTED MATERNITY PANTS?

WHOAH WHEN YOU DO A CLOSE UP LIKE THAT ALL I CAN THINK IS KAZOW!

Two year olds

Look very closely there is a small monkey child who is super pissed off that mom won't let the cat inside!

Then he got bored and stuck all his magnet letters in the water trap on my refrigerator, put the light cover from inside my fridge into a cabinet and finger painted with a tub of cream cheese (can't believe I didn't get pictures of that)


Ahem....I'm pretty sure you shouldn't be photographing this mom....incriminating evidence


Hey, you know at least I'm color coordinated

Lets see where Brandons been this morning...bathroom sink..check


Toilet seat...check...thats right, since he was splashing in the toilet and his markers are washable everything he touched after wards turned blue and red, including my toilet paper.

Webster ain't got shit on me

I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT TO POST ABOUT THIS! Last Friday my husbands friend from work came over. Some how we got to talking about how Rob and his other work friend used the word swamp butt. Chicky (the friend with an odd nick name) laughed at me and said, "WOW you've never heard the word swamp butt or swamp ass before?" I was like uhhh NOOOOOO sorry girls don't generally talk about that, you know being busy talking about boys and makeup and gossip and all!

So then he says......

"So I'm assuming you've never heard of cheddar before huh?'

Chedder, huh whu, who where.

I proudly say, "umm YEAH (imagine in a snotty tone sort of pronounced yay ya) I eat cheese all the time duh."

He's like, "uh no, you know chedder, the sweaty filmy stuff guys get on their balls."

Insert blank stare here

Insert embarrassed omg did this guy just say that to me face here.

Finally I mumble out a , "uhh no I'm sorry I wasn't aware of that."

This then leads to an entire conversation with three guys and one girl about sweaty man balls, salty balls, and man cheese. Even odder was the fact this new friend Chicky thought I was so terrific because I was willing to sit around and talk ball sweat with him.

No I'm contemplating sending Webster's a memo that they need to go ahead and add swamp ass and chedder to the dictionary so that woman around the world aren't so clueless!

HELP ME BEFORE I CUT OF MY FUCKING HAND!

So for some reason I decided a few weeks ago to get all fancy and paint my toes! However, I have this rule where I take off polish every two weeks to air out my nails so they don't yellow! Anyway I took it off this time with some non acetone nail polish. Next thing I know my fingers are all cracked and sandpapery where they touched the polish remover. What the heck. Is this just some weird pregnancy thing? AND PLEASE OH PLEASE HOW DO I FIX THIS SHIT! I pride myself on my soft hands!

Paying the price

I went for a hair cut today. It turned out fabulous. Know why, because after tip the hair cut cost me $55.00 and honestly I thought that was cheap. There are a few things that I am never cheap on. When I was little (little meaning 20) I bought the most expensive EVERYTHING! Always! No matter what it was I would only purchase name brand and only the highest price. Then I came to my senses and started becoming very picky about what I was and was not cheap on. So here it is, the list of things I will never never go cheap on. Of course there are the obvious things, toilet paper, paper towels, tooth paste, tooth brush and so on but here are the not so obvious!

• HAIR! I go to Genisis here in Reno. They have different level hair stylists there. Begining, intermediate and expert. You pay a lot for expert. I will accept nothing less. However, because of this, I have never left my two expert stylists dis-satisfied. In fact every time I leave with a cut and color that makes me feel like I dropped 20 lbs and morphed into Angelina Jolie!
• Purses. I generally only purchase Coach. There has been one Dooney and Bourke and to be honest the price of it was so low I never really liked it enough based on that. For me, purses, when picked right are something that can last your whole life time and even be handed down. Because of this I only buy good quality purses!
• Cars. Yeah I only buy expensive cars that are well built out of extra sturdy metal and that have all the gizmos. A few reasons. One I need to feel awesome when I drive my car, this way no matter how shitty I look, I look shitty in my fabulous car. Next, I'm very big on safety. You will never ever see me toting my kids around in a car (unless maybe when they are older possibly a BMW is the only car I would accept). My children are my life and to me, to carry them around in some beater car that will combust upon impact makes zero sense to me.
• My son! I tried to do that whole I can shop at Walmart for my sons clothes thing and really, aside from socks I CAN NOT SHOP AT WALMART FOR HIM! In fact unless its Babies R Us or Baby Gap, that shit ain't touching my boy. The biggest reason is this, if I wouldn't wear it why should he? When I shop for myself, as I'm sure you do, I always check the fabric, I only buy soft stuff that seems sturdy and comfy. Why on earth would I then walk around in a nice soft shirt while making my son wear some scratchy WalMart shirt Hmmmmm? Also the stuff at Baby Gap is made so well and their pants are so functional. My son is tall and super skinny. I love how all the Gap pants have adjustable waists so he can wear the right length AND waist! Imagine that!
• Computers. I only use Mac..nuff said!
• Cell Phones. Yeah I need to be able to do it all and more.
• Kitchen stuff. Knives only Wusthof...I mean really why settle for less. Pans Al Clad only. Dutch ovens Le Creuset only. Mixers only the Kitchenaid limited edition color one. Basically in my kitchen only the best will do!
• Food! Everything in my fridge is brand name, and meat has to be high quality.
• Art! No cheap ass scrap booking stuff here, I need stuff that lasts for years!
• Finally, books! I want books that will last and not fall apart or yellow!
• Edited to add (because Jen reminded me) Seriously people the 600 thread count Egyptian Cotton sheets...preferably Hotel Collection Brand!
  

Oh wait..My husband...but that is only because he has expensive taste and won't let me be cheap on any of his stuff!

So, what things are you never cheap on? What stuff do you just have to spend your hard earned pennies on and why?

He would like some fries and a shake with that

I'm not sure if you remember but wayyyy back when I had posted about how I finally for the love of Gosh got my son to drink plain milk. It was my crowning moment. However, months of my hard work was completely unraveled by spending two days with grandma at work.

Heres what happened! In my newest mission to fatten up my child I have been mixing Pediasure with milk. Pediasure is some expensive shit. Seriously for a six pack the cheapest I can find is $10.00 a pack. My son could go through at least four a day so you can see this was getting to be an expensive habit. I kept it up for a about 3 months after that, unless my mom went and bought it, I only gave him about one Pediasure a day. Well my mom being all spendy would go out and spend about 100.00 at a time and stock up our office with bottle after bottle of this stuff. Then I went onto bedrest and the days of my mom being able to go to the store fizzled into thin air. Needless to say if you go to my work right now you will be lucky to find milk and even luckier to find toilet paper. (Have I mentioned my mom turned on of her 5 rental properties into our office so we have a fully functional kitchen and two fully functional bathrooms on for stinky boys and one for rose ass smelling girls, also we have a living room and soo on and Brandon has a play room and a full backyard, yeah I know my job rocks). So! To go from having this fully stocked kitchen to barely remembering to have milk was becoming a problem for my mom. One day she went to fix Brandon his Pediasure and realized she was out.

(Is anyone else feeling like this is the longest post ever that is sooo not making a point? Me too but I promise I'm getting there soon, maybe, if I feel like it!)

This happened to be one of the days that she had milk in the shop and she had bananas, (she always has bananas to put in her weirdo protein vitamin shakes) so she decides she is going to create her own Pediasure. She puts milk, Vanilla Quik powder and a banana. Blends it all up and puts it in his cup declaring, LOOK BRANDON A SHAKE! After about two days of this my son came home and rebuffed every cup of milk now declaring SHAKE! SHAKE! SHAKE! If this program had those little smiley faces this is the point where I would stick in one of those extremely angry red faced little guys. This now means that he refuses to drink plain white milk again and will ONLY drink milk with the Goshdamn Quik powder in it. ANGER I TELL YOU!!

NOW!!!!! That I've been coming to work more, this has been allowing her to go dick around at the store more meaning our work fridge is now completely stocked. This means that she has been able to kick the fucking shakes up a notch. She now has 3 different flavors of ice cream in the Gosh damn freezer so now when she makes him a shake she is really making a fucking shake. (Bet you thought you were about to get a curse word free post from me, ha good fucking luck with that shit people). Now every day she makes him some flavor of ice cream with some extra Quik powder as a mix in and some fruit. This means that when I offer my son his milk with some regular old Strawberry Quik powder he looks at me like PUULLEEAASE mom you expect me to drink this shit..Pshaw as if. Don't even get me started on the look he makes when I give him plain milk with nothing but plain milkness. ITs something like, hey mom FUCK YOU, fix this shit right bitch! Sigh!

TWO BOYS

Ha HA! I'm going to have two boys. As in one more then I have now. Let me tell you about my day with one boy!

4:00 am woke up and ran out to turn on Dora.

4:30 am began spinning in a circle, while shaking his head, and jumping and yelling whoah whoah whoah whoah.

5:00 am Tried to clip his toe nails, he screamed so bad you would think I was killing him

5:30 am sneezed a 3 inch long booger out his nose, wiped it on my shirt

6:00 am began doing head stands on couch that then turned to somersaults off the couch.

6:30 am Opened fridge and tried to climb to top shelf for milk...sat there dangling from 3rd shelf till I came and answered his cries of Helb Helb Helb

7:00 am sneezed another 3 inch booger out his nose and wiped it on his shit and my shirt and his hand

7:01 am wiped booger hand on my pants

8:00 am got on coffee table and started jumping full speed onto floor

8:30 am sneezed three inch booger (seriously where is all this snot coming from) out of his nose, hung his head off couch to watch it dangle, began wiggling head back and forth to make booger move around.

8:31 am got very pissed when mom wiped off the booger and started trying to blow more snot out his nose.

8:32 am could not get enough snot so he wiped what he could get on my bare ankle.

9:00 am got on coffee table and started launching full speed head first at couch while yelling ONE TWO THREE. Then throwing ball while he jumped and yelling OH GOSH OH GOSH.

9:05 am began running screaming in circles yelling ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh in a sound that only dogs can here now.

9:06 am begins running into couch then getting up purposely falling down and shouting uh oh

9:08 am running around while yelling uwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuuwuwuwuwu and making dog scream then running face first into couch.

9:14 am back onto coffee table, jumping on to couch while throwing small objects over couch.

9:15 am living room now resembles small trash bin found at sewing scrap store. Paper, toys, CDS, boxes, dolls, and so on now strewn from end to end in very precise manor.

9:16 am Brandon now standing on arm of couch falling backwards while throwing more things off couch.

9:16 am still now launching off couch while tearing pages out of instruction manual shouting one two three FOUR fie six seben !!!!!! UH OH BABY

9:16 am still mom sitting on other couch frozen unsure what in the fuck to do and repeating two boys can't be any worse

9:18 am back on the arm of the couch shouting MAMA WATCH MAMA WATCH

9:19 am sits still for a moment seems to be calming down

9:20 am it was all a trick..just refueling launching backwards off couch arm onto couch..smacks mouth on couch arm..pretends not to notice

9:20 am begins making paper mache

9:21 am lays on floor cuddling Elmo

9:22 am discovers elmo balloon all hell breaks lose, rips blanket off couch to get to rest of elmo balloon while shouting ELMO ELMO ELMO ELMO ELMO

9:22 am blanket is now unfolded and strewn about entire living room, elmo balloon still not free of blanket

9:23 am uh oh its stuck UH OH TUCK UH OH TUCK UH OH TUCK BALLOON TUCK BALLOON TUCK

9:24 am picking up all toys trying to make them whistle instead just going fwooooooo (thats the noise his mouth is making as he tries to whistle.

9:25 AM THE NANNY IS HERE PRAISE THE LORD THE NANNY IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!

IN JUST 7 MONTHS

It is so hard to believe that just 7 months ago at Christmas time this is how my son looked.

Just 20 lbs barely (oh and he loves to scratch his butt like a guy)

He wouldn't eat due to teething, he kept getting sick and it was just so hard for me. I used to cry when i saw him in the bath or shower.

BUT NOW!!!!! He has finally gotten up to 25.4 lbs and this kid loves to eat now.

How did I fatten him up? WELL first, I mixed his milk half milk half pediasure. Then I would let him have spoonfulls of cream cheese and let him lick the butter right off his toast. No matter what time of day it was I let him pick what he wanted to eat. This meant that if he wanted macaroni ten times a day he got it. When I made his macaroni, I drained out all the water and instead put butter and milk in it to make his cheese sauce. I pulled out the soft inside of bagels and made them small bites and loaded them with cream cheese. We made him milk shakes with ice cream, pediasure and bananas! I started giving him waffles (whole grain wheat) slathered in butter and syrup. I stocked my house with all kinds of cheeses and let him eat it however he wanted, in balls, shredded, slices or however. I cut out fillers like soups and yogurt and replaced them with raviolis and pediasure.

I can't believe I have helped him gain five ponds in such a short time. It makes me so happy to see him get some fat on his body!

Really, is he serious

NOOOOOO HELP HURT OWWIE HELP NO HELP OWWIE NOOOOOOOOO MOMMMMMYYY NOOOOOOOOO

This is what my son just spent the last 10 minutes screaming. Do you know why???????

BECAUSE I WAS CLIPPING THREE TOE NAILS.

Three!!!! Not even all ten just three. You would have thought I strung him up by his toes and hit him with a broom. But NOOOO I was clipping his dang toe nails. The worst part is if I don't clip them, they grow so long they start to curl over his toe. Sigh.

Oh yeah and clipping while he's sleeping NOPE doesn't work. He just wakes up!

And also, I wasn't exaggerating IT TOOK TEN MINUTES TO CLIP 3 TOES! Three.. ugg I need a cup of coffee after that catastrophe!

HAPPY SECOND BIRTHDAY BRANDON

THIS ONE IS ONLY 6 MINUTES TAKE A SECOND TO WATCH IT!


Brandon's Birthday Invitation from wilddreemer and Vimeo.

What's in a name?

Megan asked me how I came up with Codi's name. His name story isn't all glamorous like Brandon being named after my rock star crush's son, but its still cute. Anyway way back when I knew I was having a boy but wanted to tell myself it would be a girl just for fun Rob and I started talking about girl names. When we named Brandon we just knew THATS THE NAME. This time though, nothing seemed to be sticking out. We talked about Madison and Olivia, and Sophia and, no wait, I talked about all of those names and Rob vetoed all of those names. Finally one day out of no where I said lets call her Kodie Marie. I got the spelling for that because all through school I always wished my name had an I in it so I could dot it. I always wanted a lettermens jacket with a heart dot over the I in my name. Suddenly we knew this girls name was Kodie Marie.

Now, I should take a moment to let you all know that I never ACTUALLY thought for a minute that I would have a girl. You see, there has NEVER been a girl born in my husbands family as far back as I can trace the family tree. That is why his family has put so much faith in me being the one to finally give them a girl. HA isn't happening people.

When we finally got confirmation that it was a boy we went crazy trying to find a name. You see, when I was pregnant with Brandon his name was supposed to be Brandon Taylor. We had said if we ever had another boy we were going to name him Cooper Lyle. Towards the very end Rob and I talked and talked and he didn't want to risk not having the name Cooper in Brandons name in case we never had kids. So we changed Brandons name thus using up our next boy name.

After much thought we decided we were going to name the new baby Stephen. This worked out awesome since Robs brother was named Steven, his grandpa was named Esteban (Spanish for Stephen) and my great grandpa was also named Esteban. Hell ya we were killing 3 birds with one stone. However, after saying it a few times I became frustrated and realized this babies name WAS NOT STEPHEN! I told Rob and he had no choice but to agree we needed a new name. After all he could tell I wanted to puke every time we called this baby Stephen. He just wasn't a Stephen.

So we tried out a few other names and I kept coming back to Cody. Rob refused, because if you remember not to far back I posted about Rob and his friend Cody and how much they had man crushes on each other. Rob told me he just could not name his kid Cody because everyone would really give him hell then. So we thought and thought and thought and finally settled on Caleb. Caleb seemed to work, but we both kind of felt like it just wasn't quite right. I kept saying how bout Cody and Rob kept saying NO! Finally I gave up. About a week later we sat there going through names and Rob put his head down all shameful and said, "I like Cody, his name is Cody isn't it?" We talked about it more, and decided to spell it Codi, so at least one of my kids got to have an I in their name to dot!

So that is how my son came to be named Codi with an I!

CRASH

DON'T YOU JUST HATE THAT EXACT MOMENT YOU REALIZE YOUR COFFEE HIGH JUST WORE OFF? I AM ABOUT TO START SNORING WHILE I'M AWAKE....CRASHHHHHHHHH

Amusment

Nothing like a good ole pot stirring to get the blogging world all in an uproar huh? Good to see you are all out there reading and being active. Someone has to stir the pot every now and then and this month it is me. Anyway if your sick of hearing about all this scroll on down to check out the new pictures of my son Codi and his penis!

DEAR ANONYMOUS

Ha ha. You are afraid to even leave your name. First let me address all of your stuff. You said I publicly called her out. I NEVER MENTIONED HER NAME ONCE IN THAT FIRST BLOG DID I? NO!!! She called herself out by responding the way she did.

You said you want to follow her pregnancy, if you read her blog you would know you can still do that on myspace, I will even give you the URL to go over and read.

http://www.myspace.com/juliaandjarret

Next, you said I was unhappy my pregnancy wasn't going as well as hers. WRONG!!!!! You couldn't be more wrong. What I was bothered by was someone posting every damn post about hoping the baby was okay. I may have went in the hospital, and I may be having problems, but that doesn't in anyway take away from my happiness for my pregnant friends. My other friends who are pregnant all know I am thrilled for them. Frankly I was just sick of reading the same post over and over. You should also know that I didn't even want to write that, but so many of my friends and readers encouraged me to speak out about it because they were getting fed up and about to send her letters, so I chose to post with out mentioning her name.

You said I am worried about getting in her good graces. NOPE! Julia has made it very clear she wants nothing to do with Reno. We have to high of crime, our traffic sucks, we don't have good food and on and on and on. It made me sad to listen to and in fact IF YOU KNEW ME you would know that I had already told my friends I didn't think I would be able to be friends with someone who seemed to hate everything about me and my city and who was generally unhappy about everything. Read the post from SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HER on my blog. You will see that I'm not the only person in her life who feels she was only posting the negative.

And finally, if you wrote and told me that my blog was upsetting you I would not shut down and run away like a coward with my tail between my legs, I would respond and continue posting and hopefully one day you would find something in my posts you liked. I am not that person who just backs down and shuts down. I've been through shit, more shit then probably most of Julia and her friends combined. Because of that, I've learned to be a hard ass and suck it up like a man.

So with that said, if any one out there has a problem with my blog let me know! If I feel it is valid, like when Jen told me I was too sad I will fix it. IF I feel like you are being silly then I will point and laugh at you. Also, notice that I will leave all of your comments up because I'm not afraid to have the good the bad and the ugly on here. Maybe I didn't need to write my post but keep in mind I never used her name. But seriously I don't think she needed to over react near as much as she has!

MEET CODI!!!!!!!

I guess since I went to a special Perinatal doctor they also gave me a 3-d shot at no extra cost. SOOO MEET CODI!

CODI FROM THE SIDE

CODI IS A BOY! LOOK RIGHT THERE IN THE CENTER WHERE IT LOOKS LIKE THERE IS A THREE FINGER HAND NOPE THATS HIS PENIS ALL PROUD LIKE

PROFILE

I JUST GOT BACK FROM THE DOCTORS OFFICE!
GREAT NEWS! CODI IS DOING AMAZING. HE IS ONE POUND 2
OZ WHICH IS RIGHT ON TARGET. WE ARE STILL DUE ON
NOVEMBER 24TH. THE DOCTOR SAID MY BLOOD CLOT IS STILL
THERE HOWEVER IT IS SIGNIFICANTLY SMALLER AND SINCE
CODI'S HEART WAS DOING SO GOOD AND HE WAS GROWING SO
WELL, THEY DON'T SEE ANY REASON TO WORRY ANY MORE. I
CAN RESUME WORKING AND LIGHT ACTIVITY BUT STILL NO
PICKING UP BRANDON. HE WILL SEE ME BACK IN OCTOBER FOR
A GROWTH CHECK. IN THE I'M A BOY RIGHT THERE IN THE
CENTER THAT THING THAT LOOKS LIKE A FINGER ON THE
BOTTOM IS ACTUALLY CODI SHOWING OFF HIS MAN HOOD. HIS
HEART RATE WAS GREAT, HIS STOMACH WAS FULL, HIS BLOOD
WAS MOVING AND HIS UMBILICLE CORD WAS GREAT! IT WAS A
SUPER DOCTORS VISIT. SOOO EVERYONE PLEASE MEET CODI!

Clarification and then its done

Let me first start of saying, that it was never my intentions to come on here and bash Julia or gossip or shit talk. My intentions were to simply voice my thoughts and opinions. I realize...really I do, that woman worry about their pregnancies. However I also realize when every single post you write is based solely around one or two things it starts to get tiresome. I used to really enjoy reading her blogs, and at no point did I want to stop, I guess I was hoping she would have been adult enough to really read what I was saying.

Let me tell you something, a long time ago, I was at a pretty low point, it seemed most of my blogs were really starting to be a little negative and dreary. One day Jen emailed me (I kept the email) and basically said, "hey man whats up your blogs are a little down in the dumps lately!" You know what I did? I stopped and said, wow shes right, and if I want to keep readers maybe I should change the subject some, or lighten the tone. I did not move my blog to Myspace, set it to private and behave like a small child who just got her Barbie taken away.

The other thing you don't know is I sent Julia a very nice e-mail explaining how I really felt and she chose to ignore it. Whatever. Like her friend said, Julia makes up her mind and thats that. Let me also tell you that I had no clue it was her birthday. It was also my cousins birthday and my dads birthday but did I remember NOOOO. Know why? Because I had been up since four and was having a mild carpet cleaning crisis.

Next everyone says Julia is lonely here and needs friends. WELL THEN maybe she shouldn't have alienated us from the start. All she has done is complain about Reno, the traffic, the people, and so on. It really made me sad to hear that us here in Reno, along with our town wasn't good enough for her. Why should I have kept trying when clearly nothing we did here would please her?

I am sorry she took the blog so deep to heart and she had to cry over it. That wasn't my intentions. My intentions were to say hey, maybe you could write about something or anything else just once. Whatever. She has chosen now to shut you all out of her life and move her blog. I'm over it all. I made an effort and sent two apology letters which I DON'T DO. IF she wants to continue being upset thats fine by me.

BOING BOING BOING BOING

Codi is wiggling around inside me right now. Today I've decided he feels like a bouncy ball. Not just any bouncy ball but a super ultra mega bouncy ball. He's just in there going boing boing boing boing. It is cracking me up he's left, he's right, he's up, he's do no wait now he's lef, no, hey hold still where are you?

BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE...LITTLE DUDE MUST HAVE LIKE THE DONUTS AND CHOCOLATE I FED HIM!

PHATSO PHOTOS WEEK 22

FROM THE RIGHT

FROM THE LEFT

FORWARD

I CALL THIS PICTURE..HEY DUMBASS TAKE A SHOWER!

SEEEEE WHAT I MEAN

Julia asked my why I didn't come to her and talk about it. Well duh, because minutes after I posted this she got so offended she already turned her blog private. Are you kidding me. Had I said it in person nothing different would have happened accept that I would have had to see her reaction. That is what blogs are for to talk about your feelings. I realize that she has had a miscarriage before. But that was very early in a pregnancy. I can understand the worry to a certain point, but now, this far along there comes a point where I can't hear about it anymore. Rather then making her blog private she should have written a real response saying she was sorry that she had such little concern for what I was feeling, and explained that aside from EVERY SINGLE POST SHE HAS WRITTEN she really was happy about this and that she really does have positive things to say about it. However she chose to put her blog private and act like a child about it. Really. This was just one person sharing her feelings and for her to over react this bad is silly and amusing to me!

Even as I sit here typing this, my stomach is full of cramps, I'm having a hard time sitting up and still STILL I'm not going on and on I'm being positive. I guess maybe rather then going private and pouting about it, she should have stopped to notice that this was obviously my way of letting her know, I feel like she is being very disrespectful of me and not even realizing her words are really hurting me.

However, I did not confront her because I already knew how sensitive she is and I couldn't deal with it in person. IN FACT I forwarded this blog to 3 people before I published it, and I told all three of them, this person is so sensitive she is going to put her blog private rather then talk about what happened and try and stop and see it from my perspective. And I'll be damned if I didn't hit the nail right on the head!

Weird food quirk

Didja know that when eat the following, I must have a glass of milk with it or the food will taste bad to me?

Must have milk with
Breakfast, especially things with syrup
Ice cream
Spaghetti
Chocolate
Donuts
Cake

I'm strange!

COMING CLEAN PART TWO

When I was pregnant with Brandon everything was sooo different. If I bought something for him, I ran right home and washed it in baby Dreft. Then I folded it and put it in his teeny drawers because his room was completed the weekend after I found out he was a boy. I packed and repacked his bag and his drawers and played in his closet and organized until I thought my fingers would fall off. That is why it is so strange that this time around, all of Codi's stuff is in a haphazard pile in my guest room WITH ALL THE TAGS STILL ON.

That is not like me. It is so unlike me to not be already playing with the stuff. However, for some reason, I have this nagging feeling in my mind that although I may carry this pregnancy to term, I just don't get the feeling that in the end I will have a baby. I haven't dreamt about him at all. I just get the strangest feeling about it. It is one of those things that if Codi didn't make it I would say, I somehow knew it all along. However, aside from not taking the tags off the clothes I barely think about this. I concentrate on the good part, and the hope and I try and think that at the end I will have a second perfect little boy.

It is because of this, and the fact that I have actually had problems that I am becoming extremely frustrating reading about a certain person who can't stop hoping that things are alright with their child. Even after being hospitalized and on bed rest I still don't sit here saying over and over and over that I hope this baby is okay and healthy and blah blah blah. I realize that I'm over 20 weeks along whatever is going to happen is done. I hate when people sit there worrying for no reason at all. On top of all of it, they are actually having this terrific normal pregnancy, with a baby that moves often (which is the biggest sign of a healthy baby) and yet they choose to spend their whole pregnancy whining about how they HOPE THINGS ARE OKAY. I am shocked they don't just choose to enjoy it and be happy. Even if they are happy all their blog is conveying is that they are spending the whole time worrying. All I'm thinking is gee, if this person is worried about her PERFECTLY NORMAL pregnancy then how the fuck should I be sitting here feeling right now? Brandon was my first pregnancy. Never once during that pregnancy did I sit there whining I hoped it was okay, instead I chose to tell myself well shit, I have no reason to think otherwise so of course he is okay. He is moving, he is growing and I'm not bleeding so duh it must be good.

It feels like so far all this person has done is complain about not looking pregnant, worrying the baby is okay and find out about the sex. We haven't heard anything at all positive. NOTHING. I would hate to find out something is wrong with their child, but for now, with nothing being wrong it is so frustrating to continuously read blogs asking for reassurance, when honestly I have none to give.

I'm sitting here wasting away on my ass at home, wishing I could be out in my swim suit flaunting my belly and frolicking at Wild Waters or in swimming pools. Wishing I could be down at farmers market enjoying fruit and showing off my big ole belly to my friends, and all I've read from this person, or heard is they are to embarrassed to wear a swimming suit in public. REALLY uggg. If only I could have that option.

Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe I'm being a bitch, but come on, if you haven't gathered from this blog that I am actually a huge bitch yet, then its your own fault for still reading. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. I purposely pushed this person away because it was becoming way to much for me to hear that she was worried about her baby while I'm at home on bed rest and can't even pick up my fucking son when he gets hurt. What am I supposed to say about that? I can only hope that in 5 months when she has this baby she doesn't look back and wish that she had spent more time thinking about the positive and the happy and the miracle of pregnancy. That she won't think to herself, fuck, if only I had enjoyed every single second of this pregnancy, if only I hadn't complained every day as if this pregnancy was the worst thing ever. I know that at least 3 of my friends read her blog and we all walk away wondering, Fuck is she even happy and proud of this pregnancy or is she just wishing something to go wrong so then she can be right? Because that is how it feels. It feels like she is just hoping to find out something is wrong so then she can feel validated in her worries.

It is for this reason, I don't often talk about my fears, about my thoughts that maybe I'll never get to raise Codi. Because no matter what I want to enjoy this pregnancy, I want this baby to be grown stress and worry free. I want him to always feel zen. And most of all in the end I don't want to look back and say, wow I wish I hadn't thought so negatively all the time.

I even have a doctors appointment tomorrow for an ultrasound to check to see if the blood is still there and if I can come fully off bed rest. The funny thing is never once has it come out of my mouth that I hope the baby is okay. Know why, because I feel him moving in there, and I know, that at least for now Codi is fine. If I didnt have another ultrasound the whole pregnancy I would be totally fine because I feel this little guy in there playing soccer with my bladder, and for me that tells me enough right there. It tells me my son is fine!

Yeah sure I write my funny shit about my udders and my pogs, but you all know that I do that for comedy. I do it for my readers. That no matter how jiggly my body gets I know I'm still one sexy bitch. Oh and while I'm talking about my udders and pogs and chicken pocks, today I realized I bear a strong resemblance to that marshmallow man in Ghost Busters, accept I think I might even be whiter then him!

Anyway hit me up and tell me what you think. Am I being a jerk? Or is it okay that I am so extremely frustrated by this person? Either way I know me and a few select friends of mine aren't going to stop feeling this way. As you can see in Stephanies blog, she too feels like maybe some people need to stop and put into perspective how great they've got it, and realize they could be in my shoes right now, or Laineys shoes, or Karlas.

To be like Shannon and do the smart thing

I'm getting in bed after I push publish. Just to make sure I upped my brilliance quotient for the day, I just chugged about 10 oz of water. I am so smart. Don't you all wish you could be this fucking smart like me?

Really though, it isn't easy being this great!

Since I'm keeping a tally and all

So we have discovered I now have udders for boobs, and pogs for nipples, but this just in I NOW HAVE CHICKEN POCK BOOBIES. No, not real chicken pocks. Instead my skin is breaking out so bad all the pimples on my chest look like I have chicken pocks. And since I have a habit of picking everything it looks more like chicken pock scabs. Sooo. To recap, I have udder, poggy nipple chicken pock scab boobs. Fuck, I'm hot!

On the ride to work today

BRANDON MAKE KISSY FACE FOR THE CAMERA

DAMN THAT WAS A LONG RIDE I'M OUT...ZZZZZZZZ

**Disclaimer: The first photo was taken while I was parked at a drive through Starbucks. The second photo was taken in my work parking lot. Sorry Lindsey I'm no Britney Spears, I'm safety mom!

I forgot to add

On my newly found udders....Instead of having my cute little quarter size nipples I now have these huge umm, Pog size nipples. Remember Pogs? I remember pogs, because I'm wearing a pair on my udders!

UDDERLY RIDICULOUS

I was standing in the shower today when I looked up at my little shower caddy and saw a picture of a cows udder staring at me. At first I was baffled. Then I realized that it was in fact my shower mirror pointing down toward my saggy droopy sorry excuse for a left boob. Great. Just great. Now I have cottage cheese thighs, a jiggly fat butt, invisible feet, and cow udders.

From now on just call me mooommy

Some tidbits from my phone

I've been keeping little reminders in my cell phone of things I want to blog about because last week I thought of five pretty funny things and forgot all five.

A few of the things in my phone were things like how I think its funny waddling around with my big ole pregnant belly in the tampon and pad isle at the grocery store. I wonder if people walking by me are as amused as me when they see me with my jumbo pack of panty liners, or if it's all just funny in my head. Not to mention the time it takes me to buy panty liners now. Seriously, when you have been wearing one two months non stop, those plasticy kind start to chaff and rub your skin off. So now I have to scrutinize every pack to find which on claims to be the softest.

Also have you ever tried to explain to your husband that you have an owwy near your girl parts? The panty liners have caused me to have a giant red rash like thing from where my skin has been rubbed raw. Trying to tell my husband that there is anything wrong near my girl parts results in a look of disgust from him, because apparently our girl stuff and all surrounding areas must all look like and be as soft as tulips and never ever ever have problems. So a mental note to me DON'T TELL ROB ABOUT MY PANTY LINER CHAFFING BUSINESS AGAIN!

Maybe I'll stick to telling him how funny I think it is when people try and race me to get in the line at the drive through at Starbucks. My favorite one was friday when this lady was across the entrance to the parking lot and behind a stop sign. I was maybe 7 feet from the drive through she was probably 40+ feet. It was hilarious. She actually tried running the stop sign to get in front of me. I find it amusing that a person can be so impatient they really can't wait for one extra latte to be made. Knuckle heads. Needless to say I totally beat her there. Feeling all nice and stuff and thinking of Emery I decided to pay for her drink. Never mind I don't have money, and she was driving a new Lexus, I thought hey why not. The sucky part though, is I have no way of knowing if she paid for the person behind her. Darnit!

I've been outside playing with Brandon in the water and stuff. That means I'm in my bathing suit. This poses somewhat of a problem. I haven't been able to see my bikini line for a couple weeks now. This means I have no clue if I'm actually accomplishing when I try and shave down there or I've I'm justs shaving a bald spot on my thigh. We went to the lake yesterday, where I was allowed to sit in a chair and watch everyone else have fun. I wouldn't take off my shorts though because I was afraid there would be a wild jungle growing out of both sides of my bathing suit. Speaking of which, my feet, yeah haven't seen them in a while either.

I got Brandon a set of outside paints. Its pretty cool. We got three colors of paint. Brandon now knows, yellow, blue and piglet (pink). We painted my whole patio plus each other. It was sooo much fun. It was supposed to be a birthday present but I got bored and decided we could use them today!

He got me

Wow I'm painting mom

Some toe nail polish perhaps?

See, NO FEET! (Also bathing suit covered in paint)

Brandons first mural!

I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I shake my little touche on the catwalk

He looks like a tiny "burner" huh Jen?

Now shes done lost her mind

THREE TIMES! That is how many times today I've completely forgotten I was pregnant, and looked down and my belly, causing me to be on the verge of tears because, "I can't believe I've gotten this fat!"

It seriously takes a good 18 seconds or so before I realize that no, my waist isn't actually that fat there is a baby in it. Wow. Talk about mental break down!

Somehow calling this post, "Another one bites the dust" doesn't quite seem right!

Is it just me or is EVERYONE pregnant? I feel as if the government is putting something in the water. I mean that has to be the only logical explanation since I got pregnant so easy this time right? Really, right now its as though being pregnant is the new black.

When I started blogging, Jessie at The Happening Cheatwoods was pregnant and due any day. Untangling Knots was having a baby THAT DAY! Then A Mommy Story, Chelle, Mom 101, Swistle, Sweet / Salty, and Zube Girl all went ahead and had some babies as they were pretty far along.

Erin from MoMommy was first to announce her pregnancy. Followed by me. Then came in no order, All & Sundry, Cakerwakers, Julia, Jen, Life is Just so Daily, The Mathers, Scott and Lorie and Frema all announced pregnancies.

Wow that is a lot of links. I think I'm going to deserve a few cookies after this post. Aside from my friends with blogs, I was shocked to find that my friends, Katie, Murissa, and April were also expecting. I heard through the grapevine that a girl I went to school with, no wait, two girls I went to school with Cami and Tylene were pregnant. My husbands friend Frank is having a baby.

Of all these people 3 or 4 are due with in a week or so of me, Jen, Julia, Cakerwakers, Frank and Murissa, so that makes five actually. There are a ton of boys being expected which I think is excellent news.

On top of this huge pile of raging hormones I have two friends currently getting ready to try to get pregnant. This list also doesn't mention the gaggle of other blogs I've linked to from Mom's Daily Dose about other pregnant ladies, or ladies who just gave birth like yesterday.

In fact, MoMommy had her baby yesterday!!!!

I feel bad because I'm sure I'm forgetting some more preggos. If I've forgotten you just drop me a comment that says something like, "hey you whore bag I'm totally knocked up too", or "hey slut muffin remember how I just had that really cute baby you forgot about!" I'll link up to you too!

So counting me, that is like 25 people in the last few months who have had babies or gone and gotten all knocked up like! Now you try and convince me the government isn't putting something in our water!

I knew I would forget some. My husbands best friend and best man Aaron just had a baby, and so did Aarons brother. The count is now 27.

PHATSO PHOTOS WEEK 21ISH now with more cottage cheese and pasteyness

Now this is some serious jelly. Sorry for the booty shorts...they actually made my thighs look less fat, if thats possible.

See these pants make me look like a giant asshole..

My sorry excuse for a bathing suit.

Welcome to my home

So earlier in the week you got to see Brandons room. I figure hey why not show you my whole house!

ENTRY TO MY HOUSE

LIVING ROOM DINING ROOM

KITCHEN....I HEART MY KITCHENAID AND WUSTHOFS

OTHER SIDE OF LIVING ROOM (ELMO BALLOON IS A PERMANENT FIXTURE NOW)

LEFT SIDE OF LIVING ROOM ALL MY PRETTY FRAMES

OUTSIDE OF MY ENTRY WAY..THAT WAS WHAT WE USED AT OUR WEDDING INSTEAD OF A GUEST BOOK. THEN YOU HAVE BRANDONS SCAPBOOKS, AND HIS HAND AND FOOT PRINT

BRANDONS BATHROOM

MORE OF HIS BATHROOM

OUR BEDROOM (COMPLETE WITH TABLECLOTHS FOR CURTAINS) (HEY SHUT UP THEY MATCHED MY COLOR SCHEME AND YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT MATCHING)

OUR BEDROOM IS OPEN TO OUR BATHROOM (SORTA THERE IS AN OPEN ARCH THINGY) NOTICE THE BATHROOM COLORS ACCENT THE COLORS OF MY BED AND CURTAINS)

THIS IS A LITTLE NOOK THINGY THAT WE WEREN'T SURE WHAT TO DO WITH, SO WE PUT OUR WEDDING ALBUM, MY SHRIVELED BOUQUET, GARTER, AND THE FAVORS FROM OUR WEDDING.

ENTRANCE INTO MY KITCHEN. I USED CHALK BOARD PAINT. THOSE ARE THE HOUSE RULED THERE, THE JUST OF IT IS, OPEN YOUR OWN BEER AND YOU DRINK!

A BLANK WALL IN MY HOUSE SO I PAINTED THOSE LETTERS AND STUCK THAT UP