Pee

Yeah. Thats right. I'm going to post about pee. My son is potty trained. He has been since he was just over two. I love this. While I totally love not changing diapers, I still have to wipe his ass all the same so that feels no different. In fact, in some instances him being potty trained feels a little more like a root canal, it hurts like shit for a while and then eventually feels better. Right now, him being potty training hurts like shit.

At least 3 times a week I go into the bathroom to find poop smeared across the toilet. Great. Not only does that mean he was in here grunting out poops bigger then the pork loin I cooked last night and smearing it on my seat, it also means hes now running around the house with poop smeared all over his butt and likely on his fingers from attempting to wipe an assfull of poop with one tiny 1/4 inch of toilet paper.

However, the poop isn't even what gets me. Its the fucking pee. At first, he used to just have some insane nack for pissing right under the toilet seat. It was like he would sit down and think, gee how can I make peeing the most fun. I know, I'll pee right between the seat and the bowl so it shoots out all over the wall and scale and carpet in front of me. Shit this is more fun then going to a circus.

Finally my husband magically taught him to hold his peepee and aim down! Novel idea huh, not pissing on the wall every day. But then, while hanging out with his nanny one day he let a little pee slip out of the toilet and she laughed. Smart cookie there. You should always laugh when your child is doing something wrong, really, laughing is exactly what to do to make them stop. The next thing I know he is arching his pelvis making the pee shoot over the seat and ALL over the floor. Apparently he hadn't peed in a month because he managed to make a puddle in front of the toilet, behind it, under it, down the hall and probably out side down the block. I was pissed off. He continued doing this shit for about 2 weeks hoping I would laugh. Once again my magic husband broke him of this habit.

Enter my dad. He got the idea in his head that Brandon was 13 and totally capable of aiming his tiny piss rocket into the toilet. Yeah, he thought it would be awesome to teach my 2 year old child to pee standing up. So yeah okay sure, if I managed to have spidey sense and know every time he peed and I somehow got him to aim right the first time it would be fun. However the last 3 times he's gone in with out me knowing, started peeing above the toilet and finding that so fun continued peeing all down the side of the counter on top of the counter in the sink, and honestly I don't even want to think of my toothbrush, well that wasn't so awesome.

Anyway I told EVERYONE no more standing to pee, and EVERYONE laughed at me like oh whatever Shannon your such a party pooper. Then last night, I walked in to see him soaking my bathroom and that was it. It was 7:30 at night, I was pooped and my fucking bathroom was covered in pee. I haphazardly cleaned it up, knowing today was huge cleaning day (every two weeks I scrub every inch of my house) and told my parents under no certain terms that THEY BETTER STOP LETTING HIM PEE STANDING UP BECAUSE I WAS A BIG PILE OF MESSY TEARS AND CLEANING PEE WASN'T HELPING. We talked to Brandon and said no more standing, only sitting and only PEE IN THE TOILET!

However it appears the damage is done. Just now he informed me he had to pee. I was holding Codi so by the time I put him down and made it to the bathroom Brandon was already on the toilet. He said, "Look mommy I sit down pee toilet." I was soo proud of him. Upon further inspection I saw it. Pee all over the side of the counter, the wall, the plunger, the trash, the floor and the toilet. What I figure happened is he attempted peeing standing up one more time, realized he was peeing every where but in the toilet freaked out and tried to sit down and finish before he heard me coming. So that means my freshly scrubbed bathroom was now covered in piss again. I was deflated. I told him to just go find his dad and proceeded to scrub the floors, walls, and other things I had just scrubbed. I feel like bawling. Cleaning pee is not my idea of a happy Sunday. So, in case you were thinking about potty training your child...remember diapers really aren't all that bad!

**Edited to add: Don't even get me started on the track marks I just found on his brand new clean fresh comforter.