this is hilarious

I snagged this from Deborahs blog which she snagged from Shannons blog....sooooo hilarious. Anytime I need a laugh I read this!

Potty Talk A 3-year-old tells all from his mother's restroom stall. By Shannon Popkin

My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window.
People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked. There've been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco.
Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall:
"Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?"
At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full … 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity.
Cade continued, "Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh … Mommy! I'm trying to see in dere. Oh! I see dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get some candy!"
I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a screaming newborn when you need her? Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, "Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some!"
"No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies. Oh! Mommy!" He started to gag at this point. "Uh oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!" As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself: OK. There are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.
"Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going stinkies! Get up! Get up!" He grunted as he tried to pull me off. Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door.
"Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da door? What were you wooking at, Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?" More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation.
"Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy." He started pounding on the door. "Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands? I want to go out!!"
I saw that my "wait 'em out" plan was unraveling. As I sheepishly opened the door, and found an open sink, I thought, Where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my privacy?
But as my little herald gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow.

Talking on the phone

My son is talking on the phone right now. He is telling mommom (aka grandma) all about his day. He is talking all about how they went outsigh outsigh outsigh outsigh and then ball outsigh ball. Then he says Yeah, good, dog outsigh. I'm sure soon he will get to telling her all about how he just came to me and said poopoo so I took him to the big potty and he went pee. Only his pee pee didn't go all the way in so it came shooting back out at mom from under the toilet seat. It was so fun for him that he kept right on peeing and watching with delight as it came squirting out from under the seat and formed a yellow puddle on the floor and moms squeaky clean fresh moose jammies! mommom will think that is funny. Then he will take a break to say puppie Elmo and kitty are outsigh and that YEAH he wants to go. Then he will tell her how he was done going pee so he took his diaper to dad. But he must have gotten loose because he called out to mom. Only mom didn't go because she thought he was with dad. So since mom didn't go find him, she didn't know he was asking to go on the bathroom so, he squatted down and pooped on the floor in the bathroom. Then he'll tell mommom how mommy called daddy to clean it up and he freaked out and started gagging and ran away. Mommy made fun of dada and he got upset because the poopoo was so gross! Then, knock on the window and outsigh and dada night night and mama poop. Then he says yeah shannon yeah. After that he'll tell mommom how he found some old string cheese in his secret stinky food hiding place and ate it with out telling mom. He'll tell mommom how mommy wouldn't have even known if he hadn't thrown up on her second pair of fresh jammies for the night. The kid won't get off the phone or the toilet for that matter. He's all peed out and he just wants to sit on the toilet and say poopoo pee pee potty and clap at himself. Sigh! I guess tomorrow we are going to go buy a tiny toilet seat so he doesn't fall into the toilet anymore. Oh wait grandma puppy and baby and puppy! Nigh Nigh mommom, apple! Bye bye

Why this kid better be a girl

Reason one: I've eaten more candy in the last 11 weeks then I have in 25 years. Its embarrassing what I did with a bag of gummy bears today. In fact, this week I've eaten more candy then I have in years.

Reason two: Acne! Man, I've never had this many pimples. There are more pimples on one inch of my face then I've had on my entire body EVER IN MY LIFE. I've always been that girl who never washed her face, in fact it would sometimes get a splash of water in the shower and that was it. However I had basically flawless skin. A small pimple here or there, but nothing really ever noticeable. Now, NOW pimple city. I'm washing, scrubbing, pealing, picking, and short of lasering my skin off and nothing is working. They say girls steal your beauty so this little shit better be a girl!

Reason three: The hair. My gosh my hair has never grown faster. I don't mean my head hair either. I mean my leg hair, and my armpit hair, and my now apparently very noticeable mustache. Yeah MoMommy, you were mad that your coworkers said you had a belly AT LEAST THEY DIDN'T POINT OUT IT MIGHT BE TIME TO WAX YOUR UPPER LIP BECAUSE ITS GETTING OUT OF HAND. Oh and, Maybe you shouldn't stand in that light, it really makes you look furry!

Uumomma

HI. I just found your comments. For some reason, your comments and Kims comments aren't getting emailed to me. Sooo, hi, nice to meet you!

Advice

Okay, I emailed Amalah about this, but since she has something like 900 emails in her box she hasn't responded yet (I emailed like two days ago and I'm inpatient). Anyway my question is about my blog roll. This is in no way intended to offend anyone listed on there, I just need to ask. If I have people listed on there, who don't blog often, and by often I mean at least two times a week, then should I keep them listed. When I first read Amy's guide to getting noticed, she said the proper thing was to blog at least 3-5 times a week or people lose interest. So! If some of the people on my blog haven't blogged in quite a while, and probably wont again until I poke and prod, should I keep them up. I don't ask this to be mean, or to force them to blog I just ask because personally it drives me nuts when I check blogs daily and see the same damn blog title I've seen every day for the last month. So, some of you who have been blogging longer. Do I keep em, or delete them off my blog roll?

Things we don't talk about

First of all, I should start this blog with one of those TV disclaimers. You know the one that says, the opinions expressed on this blog are those soley of the editor and in no way reflect blah blah blah, you get the point.

I was reading this blog that Jen wrote. It reminded me so much of me while I was pregnant. You know, one of the things no one tells you when you get pregnant, is that you may not feel connected to that tiny alien you carry inside you. The second thing they don't tell you, is that it is totally okay to feel this way. I clearly remember how I felt when I was pregnant. When I first found out I was elated. I was so happy and excited, but I think more then anything I was excited that I was actually pregnant. After trying for years and having three intrauterine inseminations fail, you can imagine my shock to wake up one day and be pregnant when I wasn't even trying. After that wore off I was, well, detached. I didn't know this thing inside of me. I hadn't seen it, or met it and quite frankly its like sending me a picture of a kid and saying this is yours, you won't meet it but you have to love it. Well, sure, it is a nice picture and its neat, but love it. Come on. I loved my cat. I could see and touch and hold my cat. Everyone was so frustrated with me that I didn't just love this little "thing" inside of me. Basically everyone told me my feelings were wrong. OR they told me how they just knew they loved that baby from the day they conceived. They glowed and gloated and pretty much rubbed it in that I didn't feel that way. I would leave peoples houses feeling like, well, less of a person. I started to feel that maybe I wasn't capable of being a mom. Maybe, because I didn't love this thing inside of me I would be a bad mom. Finally one day while reading some book I came across this page that told me that the fact that I was even worried about how I would parent, meant that I was actually caring about this baby, I just didn't know it. For a while I even tried pretending. People who didn't know me well or who just didn't pay attention believed every word when I babbled about how excited and happy I was. It made them happy and they were comforted in knowing that I had said all the right things. At the shower I pretended to oooh and aahh over all these things I didn't know what to do with. In reality I was irritated as shit the shower wasn't over yet. I was more irritated that Shanna wouldn't leave and the most irritated when she pulled everything out of the box and pulled off all the tags. I was furious as she had made all of it nonreturnable, even things that didn't.

As the days got closer to Brandon's birth I felt nothing. All I felt was that in a few days I would have a kid and that would be weird. I was intrigued by what was going on in my body but I felt no attachment. In fact, if I had miscarried I have no clue how I would have felt. I know there would have been sadness, but I don't think it would have taken over my life.

In the end Brandon came and the millisecond he was born I was floored with emotion. It was as though I had never lived before that second. I could barely remember a life without him in it. I'm still frustrated that people gave me such a hard time. When I talked to Jen the first thing I did was let her know, it is totally okay that she felt that way. Its normal. And, when this baby comes, if she doesn't feel connected with it right away, thats fine, that is normal. Millions of women feel that every day. Pregnancy is hard enough with out telling you you're doing it wrong. Every pregnancy is different from every other. So when someone compares them and says yours is wrong it is one of the most overwhelming feelings in the world for you. It makes a girl think, shit I'm already fucking up pregnancy how will I ever care for a kid.

This time around I feel pretty much the same. Only this time instead of how will I love this thing, its how can I love another thing, when I already have the most perfect child alive? The one difference I'm making is that I am embracing pregnancy more. Which, is a lot easier when you aren't throwing up every 30 seconds. I'm trying to enjoy it and take my time and not rush it through. Besides the fact that I want to enjoy this pregnancy, taking my time gives me more time to enjoy my little boy before our lives are turned up side down.

I wish we didn't live in a world where everyone was so afraid to admit how they really feel, so when the next person came along they knew they weren't alone. I only hope that Jen doesn't feel beat down like I did. I hope she ends up surrounded by people who tell here ITS OKAY TO FREAK THE FUCK OUT THIS WHOLE TIME!