An open letter to my OBGYN

Dear Dr!

Re: my enormous weight gain

As I have been trying to explain all along it is not my fault I have put on nearly 30 pounds (and by nearly of course I mean more then 30). I explained to you how in the beginning I didn't gain any weight because I was practicing my new healthy life style. Then I explained how being put on bed rest with nothing better to do but sit on the couch and eat contributed to at least 15 of my pounds. Next I explained that you forbidding me to do any sort of aerobic exercise after my bed rest probably didn't help either.

HOWEVER! Today I have full blow proof that this weight gain is not in fact my fault and can be blamed totally on other people. I just went to Marie Calenders to get myself a nice healthy salad bar lunch and to get three pieces of pie for myself and two of my employees. Upon arriving and making my to go order I was informed that 3 slices of CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE would cost me $12.99. I was then informed that if I chose to purchase an entire CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE it would only cost me $10.99. I explained to the cashier that I am pregnant and any uneaten pie would be left in my hands, leaving me soley responsible for making sure it didn't go to waste. He kindly told me that fine if I wanted only three slices of pie and I wanted to waste money that was fine by him.

Being the rational, money sensible girl I am I of course chose to buy the ENTIRE CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE. Not wanting to waste $3.00 after all. I figured I could use that $3.00 toward the remainder of my bill in your office. So, now you can understand why if I come to your office next week and have put on another 8 pounds IT IS CLEARLY NOT MY FAULT, the world is sabotaging me!

Also, considering I have such a large belly now, and do not have nearly enough room to eat and then walk comfortably I would greatly appreciate if you could please give me a wheel chair. That way on days that I fill up on pie I can simply roll myself out of my work rather then wadding and groaning like a huge pain in the ass. I am sure that you would agree that providing me a wheel chair is much safer on my fragile body then making me walk around with a whole chocolate pie and an entire baby in my belly!

Love your patient
Shannon

P.S. The fact that my salad bar came with a cup of rich, thick, and creamy potato soup with a thick slab of corn bread covered in honey butter, was also not my fault. I simply went there for the salad. Also since the soup and corn bread would go bad faster the salad you can probably understand why I chose to eat those first, followed by the slice of pie and nicely store the salad in the refrigerator for later!

Mission still not fucking acomplished

Hey you, look over there to the right. See that nifty little count down thing there. Yeah that one, the blue one. Okay now read it. It's okay pick up your jaw, I'm know I'm shocked too that I'm going to have a baby in exactly two fucking months AND I STILL DON'T HAVE A GODDAMN FUCKING DIAPER BAG! So heres the final verdict. I need a bag and I need it soon. Seriously people I only have two months to unpack and repack and unpack and repack and two months is not nearly enough time!!! We are in crisis mode people.

So I was orginally going to buy this bag by Fleurville. First and formost its pretty. Which come on is very very important right. It has a lot of features and looks great on a stroller. But lets be realistic people this bag is just not big enough for all the junk I need to pack. The most important thing is that I need a matching medicine kit becuase I have to carry a full size bottle of Benadryl, and an epi at all times (stupid peanut allergies), plus infant tylenol, childrens Tylenol, Motrin and so on, and about 49830258 bajillion droppers because each thing has to be measured just right and Benadryl apparantly thinks that bottling their stuff with the same amount of active ingredient each time is just tooo fucking simple. Sooo I need a dropper that can covnert to 5ml and that works in Tsp and one that can figure out how much 25 ml is so I can convert that down to 5ml and oh my fuck do I fucking hate peanut allergies. Okay back to the important part here. THE BAG. Anyway after finding a medicine bag big enough to accommodate all that plus clippers, and thermometers and stuff, that barely leaves room for two different sets of diapers and a change of clothes (or two because my babies tend to blow up their diaper with each poop) well there is just not enough room in this bag. Sooo by by pretty bag.

SEEE LOOK HOW PRETTY AND SHINY AND WASHABLE I AM, TO BAD I'M A TINY LITTLE WHORE AND SHANNON CAN'T FIT ALL HER GOODIES IN ME.

You should also know that I want a bag that has a messenger strap but does not have one of those stupid messenger flaps that comes over the bag because i need to be able to just reach right in and pull out what I need you know. I need separate pockets for each size diaper, and space for my nick nacks and basically I'm just being a picky little bitch about my bag.

Enter the Ju Ju Be bag. Its ugly as shit, but wait, scroll down look at all those features. One of the neatest ones is I can make it zip all the way shut or adjust the zippers so the top stays open like I like. I can have tote straps, a messenger strap or stroller straps and it is all included. Go ahead and read about it down there k.
Look this description alone just screams out THIS BAG IS FOR YOU SHANNON. Two kids even...Wow!

OOoooo features.

But oh my gosh people look how wide this bag opens up. all the pockets and trinkets and stuff. Oooooooooo!

Then I will be buying the snack pack featured here for my medicine bag. It matches, plus it is tall enough to keep all the full medicine bottles upright, fit the epi pen and keep all the droppers in a neat clean area.

Soo what do you think. Do I ignore the fact that it isn't very pretty and pay attention to the fact the it's features give me a tiny baby bag orgasm or do I go for the pretty bag that is just going to piss me off in the end? Hmmmmmm?

Also, I've looked at all the other bags on the Fleurville site, the O Yikes, the skip hop (barf) and so on. If you are going to suggest something it better be able to beat this bag in size and features. It has to be at least 15 inches wide and at least a food tall, and it has to have a wide opening, no flappy thingies and lots of pockets. Good luck happy hunting.