Hey by the way

By the way. Am I talking to myself here. Does anyone even read these. Toss me a reply so I know I"m not still talking to myself. Thanks.

Deep thought 09.26.06

If you read these you probably know that I actually publish on blogger.com, myspace.com and yahoo360. Its all the same blog but I have a few buddies on each sight. I recently began reading the blog of an old friend. When I say old I mean we go back to Brownies in Elementary school together. If I think real hard I think her mom may have even been the troop mom until Gingers mom started doing it. We went on to go to high school and cheer on the squad together all the while never really speaking to each other. I looked at her as someone who seemed so stuck up and who never gave me the time of day. All the while I was desperatly wishing I could have been in her group of friends. I think she probably looked at me like I was a total ass and a huge bitch. I could go on with the names I was called in high school. Hows that saying go sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me? WRONG. I remember the words every day of my life. One that sticks out the most was a time a girl in high school the last weeks of school said "You know Shannon I wish I would have given you a chance before because you are really a nice NORMAL person." Hmm I thought to myself. If they didnt consider me normal what did they consider me. Anyway back to my friend. I've been reading her blog lately. Her name is Emery. I hope she doesn't mind but her blog can be found here. http://emeryjo.blogspot.com/. I think everyone should read it. It is the most amazing and clarifying thing I've ever read. I don't know why but it is. Now as I read her things I sit here saying wow I wish I would have made an effort to let her see who I really was so maybe I could have made a change in my life so long ago and become her friend. However had I done that I probably wouldn't have the husband I do and that would mean I wouldnt have had the soul meaning of my life...my son Brandon. So many of you are probably wondering "its been 6 years, why is she holding on to things from high school?" I'm not. Actually I was going along really good. Until I received a lovely little myspace message that went like this.."You were such a bitch to me and my brother I am glad to see your well- Happiness is all that matters I hope you grew outa being Shannon keefier that thought she was hot shit- Beautiful babys- have a nice life!" WHAT. WHERE DID THIS COME FROM? I was shocked. To tell you the truth I was shocked silent for a moment. I could not believe this person who I will let remain annonomys (no I don't feel like spell checking) would write me this. What must be going on in her life to hold on to something like that for so long and then seek me out just to tell me this. My first thought was to respond like HOT SHIT Shannon and tell her that I see she has done real good in life being a skank (as her pictures show) however I removed my fingers from my keyboard and I thought "what would Emery do?" Now if you even kind of know me you know I don't generaly believe in God. I want to but I've been so lost and mixed up in my life its so hard to clarify all of that now. So instead I find a little bit of good in everyone and I create my own savoir (again with the spelling.) So I realized she would simply respond nicely and honostly. I responded to this girl that it wasn't polite to judge when she knew nothing about me and the things I have encountered in my life. She knew none of the reasons I am who I am. I apologized for what ever she was upset for and said that Each of us needs to withdrawl from the cares which will not withdrawl from us. I'm paraphrasing here, my response was much longer and much nicer but you get the point. I think Emery would be proud of me. So now you may ask why do I care so much what this person I barely know thinks of me? I guess sometimes its easier in life to confide in those who are not in your face every day because you get an outside opinion and you are not judged and you don't have to see the look of disgust on their face when you mess up. Maybe someday I will write a blog about all the reasons I am who I am. If I did it could probably be published into a book and I would venture that it would become a New York Times best seller and everyone would think it was so witty and funny and fiction. Maybe that is what I will start working on now. The problem with coming clean about your life is that most of the people in your life cannot accept truth. When confronted with the reasons I am who I am the people involved in the story would simply get upset and defensive and tell me I have it all wrong. So maybe I'll hold onto it a little longer. I simply don't have the strength to hear that I have it all wrong like I've heard so many times in my life. So anyway Emery if you are out there reading this (no one reads these but me really) Thank you. Thank you for letting me see its okay to question my life, and the roads and paths I've chosen. IT is okay to wake up and wonder is this the life I would have chosen for myself? Its okay to wish that my job was different and that I was following my heart and becoming a chef. Its okay to wish that I had the courage to pick up and move somewhere that had a culenary school that I could attend. Okay wait let me be real. I wouldn't move out of state because I wouldn't move my son from my parents but I still would love to attend an acutal cooking school and open a restraunt. Okay well I'm done for the day. I need to sit here and reflect on everything I wrote and figure out if it even make sense. To the person who felt like they needed to send me that lovely Myspace. I hope you find your Emery and you find your clarity and you finally learn to let go of those things that bother you.