Read this whole thing with a snobby British accent

Hi. You know that scene in A Christmas Story when Ralphy is turning in his paper and he starts visioning the teachers reaction. She is so happy and jumping around declaring it the best thing ever? That is basically how a lot of what goes on in my head is. You see I'll be sitting at my desk or in bed or changing a diaper or sitting on the think tank when suddenly an idea for a post will come to me. It will be hilarious. I'll giggle to my self and say in my snobby British accent ah ha ha ha that is mauuuuvaless. I'll write half of it in my head, pausing at the parts I know you will all laugh at. I'll giggle and wonder to myself why in the hell I'm not famous for this blog shit yet. I'll anticipate the enormous amount of comments I am going to get. Then I'll wipe, flush and walk away and poof. ITS GONE. It's at this time that you get blogs like this. Total and utter trash. It's like I'mt sitting here wondering how in the fuck you guys even read me when I'm typing about fucking wiping?

Tonight after dinner the husband and I were unloading the dishwasher together. I put one of the plates away and a tiny chip went flying. I picked it up off the floor and apparently threw it in the sink. Why? I dunno, your guess is as good as mine. Thats not the funny part though. The funny part is just seconds later, SECONDS PEOPLE my husband said, "babe did you just throw that on the floor?" I was like NO! He's like "where did you put it?" I was like in the trash duh. He looked at me like I had lost my fucking mind and said, "the trash huh, you put it in the trash?" I thought about it, looked on the floor to be sure and then said yup! He just stared at me. I didn't get it. Then I turned looked in the sink and said, "hmm guess I threw it in the sink." More staring. Then he was "like seriously you thought you threw it in the trash?" I was like yeah guess I forgot? Ya'll I thought he was going to pass out from sheer confusion right then and there. Yeah, in a matter of about 4 seconds I actually forgot that I threw the plate chip in the sink. In fact, I think I actually didn't forget I just plain didn't know I did it. 20 minutes later he was still shaking his head at me, totally stunned. I guess I've confirmed what he already knew, his wife has totally lost her damn marbles.

You know, I think 10 years from now when I'm nice and thin I will be able to thank my kids. Know why? Because right now I don't have anything naughty to eat in my house. And if it wasn't for the fact that I really don't want to wake up, dress and load up two kids, put them in the car, get them out of the car, drag them in the store and then back home you can bet my ass would be out the door so fast to go and grab a jar of hot fudge sauce and a jumbo spoon. If I didn't have kids the oly thing that would slow me down would be waiting for the microwave to ding letting me know my fudge was now warm. This also mean that when my kids are older I'll be able to ask them if they know how many fudge dunked spoons I gave up for their well being and precious sleep.

I'm watching a commercial for some new show where kids and their dads compete in Fear Factor like competitions. Let me just say if that was kids and moms, me and my kids would be broke fools! Pick up a scorpion for a million bucks, no thanks I'm sure we will all be able to live comfortably in a nice cardboard box. Shove my hands in a bucket of spiders? Ehh I don't mind eating Spam for eternity. How about you, would you be able to win Fear Factor? Would you eat 5 pounds of horse intestine for a million? Actually what would you do for a million dollars?

Did you know I have to put my socks on before my pants? This poses quite the problem when I wake up warm and decide to forgo socks then later decide I want them. I am faced with a choice. Do I actually take my pants off, put socks on and then put pants back on? Or do I just put the damn socks on and spend hours feeling annoyed that I didn't do it right? Usually I just change my whole outfit so then I feel justified putting the damn socks on.

Okay well I have to pee. That means I'll be thinking in my snotty British accent. Last chance for questions. Next post is 1000. Remember you can ask me anything. You can ask about my first kiss, my favorite this or that, things I did in school. Go ahead ask me anything. I dare you to make me laugh or blush!

Lunch Break Treats

I'm sitting here on my lunch break at work eating some boring beans and browsing online for some new books to buy. I finally settled on these. I'm in desperate need of some new things to read, seems like I got stuck in a rut there. So here is what I'm going to pick up today after work.

Oprah Book Club® Selection, May 2000: In her still startling debut, The Good Mother, Sue Miller explored the premium we put on passion--and the terrible burden it places on a mother and child. Her fourth novel, While I Was Gone, is another study in familial crime and punishment. But this time, her wife and good mother is accessory to more than emotional malfeasance. Jo Becker has everything a woman could desire: a loving spouse, contented children, and a nice dog or two. When her New England veterinary practice takes on a new client, however, her past comes back to haunt her. Long ago, it seems, Jo had escaped her family and identity for a commune in Cambridge. Her Aquarian illusions came to an abrupt, bloody end when one of her housemates was brutally murdered. Now this unhappy era returns in the person of Eli Mayhew, who had been the odd man out in Jo's boho household. His appearance is both tantalizing and upsetting: "Inside, I slowed down. I felt numbed. I had two last patients, and then I told Beattie to go home, that I'd close up.... I refiled the last charts, sprayed and wiped the examining table. I reviewed my list of routine surgeries for Wednesday. All the while I was thinking of Eli Mayhew, and of Dana and Larry and Duncan and me, and our lives in the house. Of the horrible way it had all ended."

Relationships are brought to the limit in Delinsky's splendid latest exploration of family dynamics. On a rainy night, Deborah Monroe and her teenage daughter, Grace, are driving home when their car hits a man. The victim, who turns out to be Grace's history teacher, is unconscious but alive. Although Grace was driving, Deborah sends her home and takes responsibility for the accident when the cops show up. Deborah is juggling a lot: as a family doctor, she is in private practice with her über-demanding widower father, who is trying to hide a drinking problem; her son, Dylan, is vision impaired; her mother's death continues to affect the family; Deborah is still dealing with her ex-husband's new, separate life; and her unmarried sister, Jill, has just announced she's pregnant. Grace's guilt about not taking responsibility for the accident makes her withdraw from friends and family, and the accident victim turns out to have a more complex private life than anyone imagined. The author seamlessly resolves relationship issues without sentiment, throws in a promising romance for Deborah and offers a redemptive scene between Grace and her grandfather.

Sex, lies, crushed dreams and slot machines are paramount in McGinniss's flashy, fast-moving debut. Chase is a struggling artist who couldn't hack NYU and moves back to Vegas, where he is reunited with his adolescent flame, Michele. After being fired from his teaching job for beating up a student, Chase plans to hook up with his girlfriend, Julia, in California, but instead spends his summer as a chauffeur for Michele's call-girl business. Michele has plans for herself (buying a house, getting an advanced degree in women's studies), but for the time being is running the call-girl service out of a suite in the Versailles Palace Hotel and Casino with her boyfriend, Bailey. Girls too young for the job, readily available cocaine, untrustworthy business partners, memories of a family tragedy and glammed-out Vegas goons make Chase's summer more stressful than he had hoped for as he attempts to finish a few paintings for a group gallery show. The novel is action-packed, though the character development—particularly with the women—is sometimes superficial. McGinniss (son of another Joe McGinnis you may have heard of) successfully gambles with the notion that whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but what does that mean for Chase and his plans to escape?

Andrés Faulques, a world-renowned war photographer, has retired to a life of solitude on the Spanish coast. On the walls of a tower overlooking the sea, he spends his days painting a huge mural that pays homage to history’s classic works of war art and that incorporates a lifetime of disturbing images.
One night, an unexpected visitor arrives at Faulques’ door and challenges the painter to remember him. As Faulques struggles to recall the face, the man explains that he was the subject of an iconic photo taken by Faulques in a war zone years ago. “And why have you come looking for me?” asks Faulques. The stranger answers, “Because I’m going to kill you.” This story transports Faulques to the time when he crossed continents to capture conflicts on film with his lover, Olvido, at his side. Until she walked into his life, Faulques muses, he had believed he would survive both war and women. As the tense dialogue between Faulques and his visitor continues, the stakes grow ever higher. What they are grappling with quickly proves to be not just Faulques’ fate but the very nature of human love and cruelty itself.

Not your typical boring diet book, this is a tart-tongued, no-holds-barred wakeup call to all women who want to be thin. With such blunt advice as, "Soda is liquid Satan" and "You are a total moron if you think the Atkins Diet will make you thin," it's a rallying cry for all savvy women to start eating healthy and looking radiant. Unlike standard diet books, it actually makes the reader laugh out loud with its truthful, smart-mouthed revelations. Behind all the attitude, however, there's solid guidance. Skinny Bitch espouses a healthful lifestyle that promotes whole grains, fruits, and vegetables, and encourages women to get excited about feeling "clean and pure and energized."

Her Last Death begins as the phone rings early one morning in the Montana house where Susanna Sonnenberg lives with her husband and two young sons. Her aunt is calling to tell Susanna her mother is in a coma after a car accident. She might not live. Any daughter would rush the thousands of miles to her mother's bedside. But Susanna cannot bring herself to go. Her courageous memoir explains why. Glamorous, charismatic and a compulsive liar, Susanna's mother seduced everyone who entered her orbit. With outrageous behavior and judgment tinged by drug use, she taught her child the art of sex and the benefits of lying. Susanna struggled to break out of this compelling world, determined, as many daughters are, not to become her mother.

The smartest eating choices--made simple! The secret to looking, feeling, and living better than ever is not by depriving yourself of the foods you love. It's by making the best choices in a variety of real-life situations. Based on the most popular column in both Men's Health and Women's Health magazines, Eat This Not That is a comprehensive guide to what to eat at home, from the supermarket, even at a fast-food counter. Do you know why a hot fudge sundae is a good dessert option? Why potato chips are better than fries? And why Swiss cheese is three times healthier than Cheddar? With this simple, illustrated guide to hundreds and hundreds of foods--along with the nutrition secrets that lead to fast and permanent weight loss--now you will!

And I've decided I'm going to locate this on my home bookshelf and reread it. I haven't read it since high school and I want to give it another look. I'm looking for something new to read as you can see from the mishmash of shit up there. Can any of you recommend a good non scary book?

Curious

What song did you pick as your first dance at your wedding?
If your not married yet what song would you like?

Also don't forget to submit questions for my 1000 post. I already have a few. You can submit via comment or email! Don't let me down for my 1000th folks!

Checking in

Good morning. How are you? Yeah I've been missing all weekend. I would like to say I was off doing something amazing but I was umm, not. Lets see I cleaned a bathroom (yeah only one, I got to lazy to do the other), cleaned the kitchen, washed some jeans, ummm well yeah that's about it. Don't I look sexy this morning? Thats how Shannon looks after only a half a cup of coffee. You should see me after two. Yeah the sexy really starts roaring then. What is that behind me, hmmm yup lovely little burp cloth. Whats not pictured? That would be my enormous boobs covered in giant blue veins that just scream out THAT WOMAN IS NURSING A SMALL BABY. Well it's either that or someone drew blue lines on me with a marker. I'm too tired to really know the difference right now. Other things you can't see. My über sexy 7 year old Abercrombie jammie pants with no less then 10 holes right where the thighs are. You know how that is, when you put on some weight and your thighs rub together when you walk. You somehow wear a hole into the spot on your pants right where you actually need some fabric so as to not see my lime green granny panties sticking out from the holes in my jammies. Do you like my hair? I call this the unwashed, unstyled, unawesome hairdo. Am I going to shower before work? MMmm odds are, doubtful! If I showered then I couldn't drink another cup of coffee and play with the photobooth feature on my computer. Lets get real here, I have priorities and who needs a shower when I can just slap some deodorant and a hat on right? RIGHT? Oh check the double chin too. I know men only dream of waking up to this kind of sexy. This morning I'm going to try out some new Special K with red berries eggos I got. Only 80 calories. Funny huh. I won't eat cereal to save my life but I'll totally eat the cereal brand Eggo thingies. Isn't it also weird that I can't eat cereal because I'm afraid of the bug parts in it but I will eat cookies. Isn't cereal just smaller O shaped cookies? Tiny baby is up now. Must go get him from my warm snuggly bed then go change his diaper. Need to find slippers and sherpa clothes to go to his room as that room is FUUUREEEZING!

Okay we are back now. Must do some very important things, like staring at the calender on the wall. Notice the matching double chins. Codi's all HAI I'm all freshed faced and cute mom whats your deal? Do something about those bags under your eyes, and seriously mom can you maybe brush your teeth sheesh. Uh oh big headed boy has to go poo oop. Must go wipe second tush of the day. Wait, no mommy I not pinish pooping (plop) huh mama whats making noise in dere is dat me pinish pooping? Ahhhh I love being a mom! Okay its after 7 which means I need to get my ass in gear so I can be on time for work and what not. Adios amigos!

Codi says, thats just my neck wrinkle it isn't a third chin mmmkay! Brandon says, when I'm older these will be my bedroom eyes. I'm going to be kicking a lot of ditzy high school ass when these guys are older aren't I?

BIG CHANGES ARE COMING

So I finally gave in and got one of those web host dealies. Then I made massive threats and forced kindly asked my computer nerd friend (I have permission to call him this, even though I totally think he is cool enough to be promoted to computer geek even if he doesn't think so) to build me a site. And even though I can be the most difficult indecisive sweetest angel on the planet he agreed. Soooo in the next two weeks (read week and a half because Lee like 4 days has already passed) I will be debuting my very own brand new site. He promises me that if you use my old (current) link it will route you to my new fancy page (If it doesn't I'm going to send him lots of red mad smileys on yahoo) but alas I have faith. My new page is going to have those tabby thingies on top and those flikrmabobs and fancy links and lots of snap crackle and pop!
Anyway like I said this site will reroute you but you may want to change the link after the site is complete. When the full change is made I will be located at misguidedmommy.com. Can't wait to show you all the new site! Like I said it should be up in about a week and a half (if his cat doesn't delete it all or something.)
Don't forget to stop by and check out my account manager, aka Lee the graphic designer guy's website. He is super talented and for a small fee will for sure hook up your site (just as soon as he is done with mine of course).

http://www.pyropoptrt.com/portfolio#

Lightening up

So my parents came by tonight to bring by Codi's new little chair that I forgot at work.
I like my chair

So before my parents left, apparantly papa gave Brandon a Kit Kat. I tried to take it away and he broke down into the saddest tears I've ever seen so I said fine, because Papa gave it to you, you can have it.

He was sooooo happy to have it all he wanted to do was have me take pictures of his chogglet.

Codi was still kicking it in his chair

Look toys

Brandon smile...no I meant with out a mouth full of chocolate

No clue what this face is

I feel a big smile coming on

I LOVE MY CHAIR!!!!!!!

So he ate his Kit Kat and then he asked me to go lay with him. I laid down got all comfy and he did this. Dude I thought we were going to read books and watch Franklin.

So I hung out in there and finished Franklin so I could find out what happened with the fossil and he stayed like this.

Anyway he doesn't fight with me as much about brushing his teeth while he is sleeping. The cutest part was how he was opening his mouth and making the motions we do while brushing, but he was totally passed out.

Continuing on

About this time I moved out into my own house. Almost immediately after moving out my boyfriend Eli moved in with me. Eli loved to drink and so did I. Needless to say we spent a lot of time drinking with his friends. Since we were both drinking and partying my habits didn't stand out to anyone and it was again easy to hide. Alas Eli and I didn't work out and he moved out. I found myself alone. This was so new to me. Being alone made drinking so much easier, especially since I had the worlds best fake ID ever. I would go out drinking with my cousin and then come home and pass out. I would wake up feeling like shit and have a morning drink to take off the edge. It was starting to take a lot more for me to get a buzz which is why we always looked for ladies drink for free clubs. That way I could get way wasted all for free. However being alone gave me a lot of times to come head on with the things I had always dealt with. One of them being depression.

This part is still the most frustrating parts to me. I hate when people think you need a reason to be depressed. Or when they think, this girl had everything, was pretty and nice and got the things she wanted, what does she have to be depressed about. Depression, often is purely mental. Thats the form I had. The kind of depression where you wake up one day and the world is too much to bear. You feel like your sitting in a black room and can't see anything but the blackness closing in on you. You can't manage simple thoughts or tasks and you don't know how or why this is happening again. The hardest part was being able to know that what I was feeling wasn't right but not be able to change it. I stopped talking about this or reaching out because so often I heard, "You have nothing to be depressed about, your life is perfect, you just want attention." When these times came I drank even more. I would find reasons to make myself sadder and just drink and drink and drink alone. I can't count how many times my friends would come over and find me with a jumbo glass of alcohol and I would lie telling them it was my first one. At the same time I can't count how many phone calls my cousin Lisa got from me drunken, rambling, crying or yelling making no sense at all. She would just listen to me and let me ramble.

Anyway four months after Eli moved out my grandma died. This was and still is the hardest thing I have endured in my life to date. I can't think of her with out crying and I think about her a lot. It was April 23rd which also happens to be my then "best friends" birthday. To give you an idea of what kind of people I had in my life at the time that friend told me I had to go out for her birthday. Rather then just be there for me and comfort me, or even let me stay at home to grieve she guilted me into going out with her. Telling me she would never forgive me if I blew off her birthday. So I went. I got to our destination first and I got drunk before they even got there. I was really drunk, and it was amplified by my sadness. I spent the entire night crying and when I finally made it home I cried even more. After that I think I kind of went off the deep end. I spent so many nights just crying in my kitchen. I stopped going anywhere and for about 9 months I didn't see anyone or date anyone. My friends would come over and try and get me to leave but I didn't want to. I would go to work and just go home and collapse in my sadness. I started walking at night in the dark and leaving my house unlocked and generally not really caring what could happen to me.

Keeping friends like I had at that time didn't help. I was friends with a group of drunken college guys and an equally manic depressive maniac like me if not crazier. We were feeding off each other. We were getting drunk and going out walking and depressing each other. I just got worse and worse and worse.

Finally after about 9 months I started dating a friend and while that was happening I met Rob. Things with he and I were, intense from the start to say the least. Alcohol was involved from the start. In fact the first time we went out of town together and I realized I would be alone with him and stuck in a car I freaked out. When we stopped at a gas station to fill up before leaving town and I ran in and bought about 4 mini bottles of liquor. I picked nonsense fights and pushed him as hard as I could. I pushed and pushed and pushed and he just stood strong. I remember the first night I went to the dark place in my head. We were hanging out at his apartment laying in bed and nothing really triggered it but away I went. I was lost in the dark place. He had no idea what happened. He had seem me be a jerk but he'd never seen me basically disappear. Then the strange thing happened. He handled it. He stuck by me and just let me go there and was cool while I was there and basically just waited for me to come back. At that moment I knew he was the one. He may not have known yet but I did. 6 years later and he can tell ahead of time when I'm going there.

Years went by and I would go in and out of my dark place. A few times my doctor would try and put me on medicine and I would try (I will address this later in my 1000 post because Shawna asked me) but I always went off. I knew that no matter what this was something I had to deal with on my own. I also knew that I wanted kids and I didn't want to go on a chemical crash while I was pregnant. I started being excited to go to bed because that meant I could wake up and have a bloody mary. And then I got pregnant. Surprisingly I made it though the entire pregnancy without fading away. But after I found my way back to the bad side. I spent the entire pregnancy being mad that I couldn't have bloody marys. I remember being so happy when I could finally have one. Even though I had Brandon I would still drink. I never drank alone with him because I still had to be a mom. I also rarely got to get drunk because I was nursing. But something about even having one drink made me happy. It made me okay knowing I could have at least one. I realized there was a problem when my one glass started getting bigger and bigger and I was just drinking alcohol on the rocks no mixers.

The final breaking point was when my parents had Brandon on forth of July and rob and his friends wanted to go somewhere. I was way drunk and I lied and said it was okay to drive. We drove around the block and came home (that was where they wanted to go, around the block). Immediately I felt regret. Not only had I just driven but I had driven with Rob in the car. If I wrecked Brandon would have lost both his parents. The next day I went to the Verdi picnic with my grandma. I had an Amaretto on the rocks and that was the last drink I ever had. I stopped. I realized that in order to be the best mom I could I could never drink again.

However. While I've never taken another drink, not even eating candy with liquor or deserts with wine or liquor for accents I will never stop having depression. That imbalance in my mind is always there daunting me. I've gone there a few times since Brandon was born. Once Rob found me curled up in a corner in our room crying for no reason. Since Codi has been born it's been a huge struggle not to go there. I'm halfway there. I feel as though I have one foot in and one foot out. The constant struggle of parenting two kids and hoping I'm parenting them equally weighs so heavy on me. The struggle to do right by these kids. To not let my faults bring them down is so hard. Knowing that there are times when I snap at Brandon and I'm aware I'm doing it but I can't stop because my mind won't let me. After those times I seems to fall the fastest. I fall closer and closer to going black. I'm trying the hardest not to this time because I know that I won't be able to spread myself thin enough to still parent both kids efficiently while I'm lost in my own bad place. I can only expect my husband to pick up so much of my slack before my kids resent me.

I talk about all of this, not to put the people in my life down. Not to place blame. Because no one has ever been to blame for this but me. I am the one who chose to drink. I'm the one who chose to be bulimic and do all of the other things I have done. I made the choices. When I say that no one knew what was happening I say it to help people understand that even with out medicine it is very possible to hide your crazy. To cope with it just enough to hide it. To seem functional to the outside world. You know how they talk about functioning drug addicts, well I'm a functioning "crazy." I wanted to write this so people understand why I some times seem extreme, or like I'm over thinking things. Why I'm afraid to be alone and terrified of the dark now. I want people to know that it's okay to have these feelings. It's even more okay to verbalize them. It's okay to be depressed with no reason other then you woke up that morning and felt different. I also hope everyone knows that I am very loved. I am surrounded by great people and its probably those people that have kept me from drowning in my darkness every time. I weeded out the bad, like the friend whose birthday was more important then the saddest day of my life. I've weeded out the people who couldn't understand that I can't ever drink again. I can't ever have one drink. I can't taste it. I've weeded out all the people who make life hard to cope and I've tried to surround myself with only good people. I really hope that when my kids grow up they see a functioning mom. They see someone who loves them unconditionally. And I hope that even if I have to go outside and shout at the moon to prevent myself from shouting at my kids, I'm able to do it. Or, maybe I'll just come shout here instead. The good thing is now that you all know about this, I can come here and vent. I can come here and say, I'm there, I'm in the dark place, and you will all know what I mean. It will be kind of like cheers, where everybody knows my name, and you'll always be glad I came, no matter what kind of shit I'm spewing here.

Pause....dinner tonight

Hey step over here and see the amazing meal I cooked up tonight. If your hungry make this. Also this is an amazing meal to make for company. Umm, no it's not low calorie. Mmm bacon!

Remember my food blog, Tasty Temptations

So there that is

Like a very wise blogger once told me, don't let the ones you actually know in real life know about your blog unless your ready to be censored. Now a lot of my every day friends and family know about my blog and because of that there is a lot I can't write about. And I mean A LOT. Not because they don't know, but because it involves them and my family has a tendency to not want the things they said to be repeated for fear they will look bad. My take on that has always been, if you think it will make you look bad if it's repeated then maybe you shouldn't say it. Back to the actual point of this blog, that is going to be long, and probably I won't finish until much later after I get off work tonight. This week I had one of those days. You know the days that push you to the extent of your sanity. Not in a funny ha ha way, but in a way that made me actually want to come home and take a drink for the first time since July of 2006. Yes thats right, since I quit drinking I have never once looked back. Until yesterday. Yesterday I didn't just want a drink, I wanted to open my fridge take out the ice cold bottle and drink it until I was puking drunk. Instead I at a sandwich with calorie laden mayo and called it even. Why? Because I have kids. Because I was an alcoholic. And because I never ever ever want my kids to see me as anything less but the best mom I can be. So that is what todays blog is going to be about. The fact that for almost 8 years I had a full blown alcohol problem and not one single person close to me ever knew. Along with the fact that I don't even want to know how much hell I'm going to catch for writing this post.

I've always had mental issues. From a pretty young age I realized I had been blessed with "the crazy". I also realized that medications weren't for me**. I was okay with all of this until I was about 17. Around this time I had gone through the normal high school relationship bullshit, but at the same time there was so much other stuff going on. I was surrounded by people who never wanted to hear what I had to say, instead they wanted to tell me. I wasn't being allowed to choose my own destiny I was slowly being told what it would be. I had went away to a church camp and after being given a date rape drug a guy had sex with me when I didn't even know it was happening. I didn't talk about this for years because I knew that in the world I lived in, I would be blamed. I was right about that too. When I finally admitted it I was blamed. I was having serious body image issues and I never felt like I was small enough or thin enough. I was taking diet pills and puking and working out all at the same time. No one was seeing this (ginger and lisa knew about the puking but they didn't say anything because i asked them not to). At this point I was kind of at a loss so I started to drink. I didn't just drink socially I drank all day long. When I got to school I would grab a bottle of vodka and pour out 2/3 of a Snapple and refill it with vodka. Off I would go to class. Studying was easier, listening was easier and everything was easier. At my first break I usually switched from Snapple to a soda with flavored vodka in it. I almost got caught once when a teacher out of the blue opened a snapple bottle and sniffed it out of the trash, but she couldn't place whose it was. At lunch I would have something else and then I would try and stop before school was done and I had to drive to work. At night I was almost always drunk. I have insomnia and when your up all night drinking is a good way to pass the time. I tried taking prescription sleep aids and nothing helped. On the nights I really needed some sleep I would take two 10mg Ambian, drink a half bottle of Nyquil and take a shot of Jaegermeister and that would provide me with a few hours of restless sleep. I thought that maybe if I joined the Sexual Assault Support Services and helped others like me who weren't to afraid to speak out that it would help relieve some of my anger. Instead I was made to feel bad for helping them and not one single person respected the hours I put in with them. It was as though I couldn't win.

I started this a few days ago and its a lot of memories to bring up. So I'm going to stop here and I'll write more tonight. Please know there is about five more years worth of stuff for me to write about so I may not finish it all tonight but I'll post as I go. Also keep in mind when I say that people didn't notice this or blame me for stuff that I am surrounded by a lot of people in my everyday life and I am not singling out any on person or placing blame, in the end the things I did we my fault only!

** I think medicine is fabulous, and I respect anyone who takes it, I think I just realized my environment would never change and I needed to learn to deal with that on my own since medicine wasn't going to make the difficult things in life go away. So that being said, please don't think I'm some anti medicine person because really, I'm a huge advocate of people who are brave enough to step up and realize they have a problem and its better to handle the problem then to continue to lash out at those who support you. Because you're too embarrassed to admit maybe your a little crazy in the head.

It's cold outside

Wheres Codi?

"I'm right here mom, get me the hell out of this thing"

He asked to take a picture. I said okay and he ran and hid and said, "no pitture under here." He's strange.

Check out the red nose and cheeks. It was coooold outside.

Know how to tell its snowing in Reno? Everyone goes flying around corners fishtailing all over the place. Know how to tell a California driver in the snow? They drive 3 miles an hour when there is only a dusting of snow. They do this with both hands on the wheel and knuckles so white I can see them through their window. Know how else to tell it's snowing in Reno? Everyone but me drives like a complete fucking moron!!!!!!

The token check up post

Had two month doctor visit. Codi is 12.3 lbs and 22.5 inches tall. Thats a five pound weight gain since birth and a 3 inch height gain. His jaundice is all gone and his blood work was great. He absolutely hated everything about the doctors office though. He totally tensed up and started screaming and basically sent himself into shock just over the stethoscope. When he got his shots I was actually shocked he didn't stand up and kick the nurse in the head he was so pissed. Unlike Brandon he didn't just pass out after. Nope he sat there in my arms sniffling and giving me awful looks for doing that to him. It was so sad. He got mad at the paper under him on the table, mad if the doctor looked at him, and basically he was mad if anyone even breathed his direction. Can't wait for his next appointment! It's funny because Brandon didn't mind the doctor. He smiled at him and flirted with the nurses. It wasn't until he was 2 that he figured out he hated the doctor. Codi on the other hand is having none of this going to the doctor shit!

Back when

I'm coming up on my 1,000 post. I had been thinking of something cool to do and then I was reading Cakerwakers blog. It made me go back and look at my old posts and comments. Want to see the first comment I ever received way back June of 06 when I started blogging?

My Wedding Memoirs said...

Just want to let you know if you want to compile your wedding photos into a nice video montage for free, just drop by My Wedding Memoirs to take a look!

10:00 AM

Nice huh? My first comment was a fucking solicitation. I kept reading through. My first readers were Emery and her mom Momar (whom I think disowned me due to my extreme profanity). Then I found a third reader. Her name was sweet pea. I was shocked when I clicked it open and discovered that sweet pea is now Patty Just an NYC Girl. I was shocked. I had no clue Patty has been reading me for nearly 2.5 years now. I found a comment from a friend I met playing gin online. She was supposed to start a blog but never did. Then I noticed Cheatwoods on there. She used to read me pretty often. I think I'm also to profane for her tastes. I've had a lot of people comment once and never come back. I've had a few people tell me I suck. I like those comments, lets me know there are still real people out there. I've followed along with Kim who was one of my first commenter's. I've found amazing blogs but then somehow lost the links. I hate when I do that crap. I've had fun.

Cakerwakers asked why people blog. I think I do it mostly for me. It's nice to have somewhere to write the endless commentary in my head. Before this blog I had been known to call one of my friends and let em know that my pee was hot or how I won't pee with a wet butt. But now I just come here and write it so I don't say shit like that out loud in front of people I want to respect me. Fuck I write some quality shit on here huh? I wonder how many posts I've written that mention poop (one of my favorites)? 41 times thats how many. How on earth can one person think of 41 things to say about poop? I've pissed people off and made people happy, but mostly I've just blabbered a lot. I've asked questions that almost always go unanswered. Tried to take surveys and issued challenges that no one ever takes. I've started other blogs, like this and this. I even wrote out my love story, but I keep that private now, because you know, family reads this and all.

I've admitted that I was a terrible cheating girlfriend before I met my husband. I've talked about a lot of things I shouldn't have and yet I've never felt better for talking about them. I like this blogging thing. I hope to continue it for a while. So, in an effort not to bore you with the same ole thing I'm asking you to submit topics and or questions to me. If you have a question for me please leave it in a comment or email me at wilddreemer at yahoo dot com. This time, lets not all wuss out and not ask a question. I expect to see some kind of question from all of you regular blogger buddies of mine out there and a whole bunch more from my lurkers (I know your there, my Google analytics tell me so). So submit a question, or two, or five and I will answer them little by little leading up to my 1,000 post. The best question/s will be saved for that post! Lemme have it people! Ask me anything, nothing is off limits.

Off to cuddle my little baby now, adios fuckers.

WHEN YOU CAN SMELL IT...THATS BAD

Sigh.

This is one of those times I don't know if I want to laugh or cry. It all started at Starbucks when I had to pick up

• A Triple Vente 7 pump sugar free Hazlenut nonfat nuclear hot latte (for dad)
  
• A Grande Caramel frappaccino, WITH caramel sauce and extra syrup BLENDED in but yes I still want the caramel sauce on top to please (for husband)
• A grande double chocolatey chip frappaccino (for cousin)
• A Tall Mocha light frappaccino (for me)
• A vanilla horizon milk (for Brandon)

It is at the point that they hand me the chocolatey chip frappaccino that I begin hearing "mama chogglet chips chogglet chips I hab dat I hab dat." So okay fine. I order him a teeny chocolatey chip frappaccino (there are no coffee in these). He is drinking this and then realizes he can poke his tiny finger inside the lid and scoop out whip cream. I sternly tell him NO FINGERS IN THE WHIP CREAM! We make it home and come inside for a bit and then go back to the car to run and grab a bite to eat. He is in the back seat saying, "no pingers jus dring it, no pingers!" I think awwwww how cute. Then I smell chocolate. I'm not sure if you remember the last time I smelled chocolate..but I knew this couldn't be good. I turn around and his hands seem pretty clean so I ignore it and think maybe it is melting in the cup. Then I turn back around and realize...

H e just had a bath last night. There is no way in hell his hair looked like that when we left the house. Then he says "MAMA I COMB IT!" Yup. He was taking frappaccino out of the cup and "gelling" his hair with it. At first I was mad. But then I looked at him sitting there like nothing had happened and I had to laugh. I grab some food and he starts asking for chiggen. CHIGGEN CHIGGEN CHIGGEN. So I ask if he really wants it and he says no. Then he asks for a fry so I give it to him.

SMACK!

He threw the fry at my head and shouted NO PRENCH PRY! So I ask, does he want chicken, NO, does he want macaroni, NO RONI CHEESE, does he want soup, NO SOUP. Fine. Whatever. We get home, walk in the door and he says, "mama wheres my chiggen, I wanta it chiggen." Grrrrrrrr. So I ask, what about chicken Elmo noodle soup. YES. Okay. So we sit at the table he's happily eating his soup and even eating the noodles with his spoon and I give him a fry and he eats some of that. Then he says, "mama where my noonles go?" He then starts fishing for "noonles" with his hands. Fine whatever as long as he is eating right?

Right?

Oh

So

Wrong

"LOOK MAMA NOONLES I FIND IT, I FIND IT NOONLES"

Lets see if I can balance it like a doggy

Success!

So finally he starts making to big of a mess and I tell him to stop. He grabs some napkins and starts soaking up soup. I ask him for the napkins. Thinking he's in trouble he chucks the soup soaked napkins on my Pergo SPLAT!

Sigh.

Okay Brandon lets go to time out in your room for a bit. I start walking there with him when he plants his feet in the ground and refuses to budge. So I start sliding him (he's in socks on the Pergo) across the floor to his room. He starts giggling. I put him in his room turn around and walk about 4 steps when I hear...giggle giggle he he behind me. Oh okay so apparently since I slid him there he thought this was some kind of game. He wanted to play and wouldn't stop giggling.

At this point I give up! Does anyone know of a circus in need of a clown?

Giving thanks

If you are wondering why my masthead is, well a masthead, and also FUCKING AWESOME it is because my friend Lee at PyroPopTrt Designs totally hooked me up! He fixed that shit up in less then an hour and the best part is he totally handles my craziness like a pro. Also, if you tell him to fix the doohickey and stick it over there by the thingy, yeah he totally gets it. Anyway look him up here and check out his stuff. Hit him up if your lucky he might fix some shit for you just as long as it isn't better then mine, which ISN'T POSSIBLE BECAUSE..DUH LOOK AT IT! He offers these services plus more at a very affordable rate.
http://www.pyropoptrt.com
or email him at
design@pyropoptrt.com

Anyway what I was really trying to say is
THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH LEE I HEART MY PAGE NOW!

Creature of habit

I'm a very disorganized person in some aspects. I hate to clean my room, or put away laundry and my car is usually quite messy. But there are somethings that I just can't vary with. Before I had babies and I had time in the morning go to Starbucks and get a cup of coffee. I always went to the same Starbucks and since I didn't have kids I could walk inside and not just shoot through the drive through. I always take a certain road to my destinations. It's not always the fastest but it is the one I like the most. I only shop at one grocery store and on the rare occasion I try out a new one just to be sure I don't like it, I always end up regretting straying from my store. For the most part I've always dressed the same way. Jeans, a tank top and slip on shoes. In fact as long as i can remember there has been at least one pair of Vans in my closet (well up until they got stolen from my locker at the thug middle school I went to).

With clothing sure I've varied, I've had a few different things in my closet but for the most part it's easy to say I don't follow the trends. In the summer for the most part I still wear jeans. They are comfy and go with any shirt.

When it comes to cooking I have one knife that is my old standby. I have one pan for certain things. I like comfort and familiarity.

I think it is because of this that I don't keep a lot of people in my life. Because being a creature of habit means I need stable people in my life. I need people that I can rely on. My husband, Katie and Lisa are always on time. In fact those three also know that I go everywhere 15 minutes early and they figure that in when they come to meet me. My mom and Ginger are always at least 15 minutes late BUT they are reliably late. I know that if I'm meeting them I have a few extra minutes to go to the bathroom or browse the menu before they arrive.

There have been a series of people who have entered my life and then exited. I can give people a lot of chances but as soon as I can no longer rely on them, they have to go. I can't say that I've never stood someone up, but I always call and tell them why, even if the truth is that I just don't want to go. What I don't do is tell someone I will come see them and then just leave them there waiting. Something I really NEVER do is make plans with someone and forget (with that one exception of the time I was pregnant and made plans with both Steph and Ginger, but dude I was pregnant and out of my mind and it all worked out). What I mean to say is I would never ever make plans with a person and then just forget all together and make new plans and then leave my old plans hanging.

Part of this rolls over into motherhood too. If I tell my kids I'm going to do something I do it. That is why I'm very careful what I say to Brandon. He may be 2 but his memory is better then any one of yours. This means if I tell him he can have gum if he eats all his dinner, then 6 hours later Brandon will want to know where his gum is and 12 hours later he is still going to want his gum. That also means if I say I will take him to the park I better be damn sure to have some coffee in me that night, because my ass is going to the park.

I feel like so many people take reliability for granted. People take their word for granted. They think throwing out some meaningless promises and not following through is acceptable. I can't stand people who say sure I'll come this weekend and do this and then never come and never even acknowledge they said they would and then I waste my entire weekend sitting there waiting around for them. And finally when I call them and say hey, gee remember when you said this, they treat me like an alien because I took their word as truth.

I guess it is all of these reasons that my life is always planned far in advance. I always know where I'm going and when, and if Friday approaches and I have no plans, well then my plans are just that, to sit and relax and do nothing.

That's not to say I'm not spontaneous, because Ginger and Lisa can tell you they have been kidnapped for some random spontaneous trips many times. But even those are predictable. You can predict that if I have to go buy something I will call one of them. I hate to shop alone. Mostly because I like a second point of view. I have a tendency to see something I want and buy it. This is usually where Lisa comes in. We can spend HOURS picking out a purse, a knife, a pair of jeans, or something as simple as a rug. We look at it from every angle, we both try it on. I make her try on shoes so I can see how the shoe looks walking. Then we rationalize it financially. Is this something you will love forever Shannon? Usually Lisa can be right on target when she says, hey idiot your going to hate this in a week. This is why one of the most predictable things I do at the grocery store is stop 10 feet from the check stand and take almost everything back out of my cart because I suddenly realize I don't want to spend the money. That means if you are at my local smiths there is a great chance you will see a box of Cheerios sitting in the freezer section because that is where I was standing when I got shoppers remorse.

At work I'm the most predictable. I only use one pen, it must be blue and it must have my little I am loved button on it. I only use one note pad and my mouse has to be just so. If I walk in your office chances are I'm going to rearrange your mouse to suit my needs and yes I will forget to put it back your way when I leave. I like to eat lunch at my desk. I like to eat my lunch with a plastic fork. I prefer my coffee in a mug but everything else in a water bottle or plastic cup. This is why my work always has paper plates, plastic ware and plastic cups. At work I also like things in a certain spot. My stapler has to be right over there, no not there, there to the right a little. My staple remover needs to be over there and for the love of God can you please make my paperclips not visible to everyone else.

I only carry a Coach purse because along with being reliable comes a sense of loyalty. I pick a brand and I stick with it. I tried to buy a Dooney once and I felt like I was having a dirty little affair on all of my Coach purses. I tried to buy a Henkle knife but I could see my Wusthoffs giving him dirty looks from across the knife block. I tried to hang a white picture frame but the black frames all ganged up on him and made me paint him black.

Are you a creature of habit? Are there things that have to be done just so? Do you have to pour your creamer before the coffee for it to taste right? What are some of the things that some would consider your quirks but you consider normal?

Come by and drop me a line. Tell me your funny habits, but what ever you do, do not touch my blue pen or your ass is grass!

Breathtaking

FOUND THE LINK FROM DOOCE

THESE ARE GREAT

MY FAVORITES

• IDENTIFYING BIRDS
  When the bird and the bird book disagree, believe the bird.
• ASIAN RESTAURANTS
  Any Asian restaurant with the word "Lucky" in the name will have excellent, authentic food. It will also give you stomach cramps.
• Shivering produces as much heat as running at a slow pace or roughly the amount of heat generated from eating two medium-sized chocolate bars per hour.
• Always wash your car before taking it in for service. Mechanics are more likely to take advantage of you if your car looks like it needs "everything."
• If you're thirsty, you've waited too long. To avoid dehydration, drink water ahead of time. Put another way: If you're thirsty, drink water. If you're not thirsty, drink water anyway.
• One out of five items costing under $75 that you buy at a garage sale will end up in your garage sale within the next 1.5 years.

A tragedy

This is a terrible tragedy.

"

MILTON, MA–Tragedy was narrowly averted in the Bourke household Monday, when Harry, the family's pet hamster, was violently thrown from the 4" by 4" payload of a toy Ford F-350 monster truck.

Enlarge Image

The site of the accident that nearly claimed the life of Bourke family pet Harry (inset).

According to reports, the toy vehicle was racing through a living-room obstacle course–which included a coffee-table-coaster slalom, a cardboard ramp, and a Dixie-cup pyramid–when it swerved out of control and crashed into a Lincoln Log structure, sending the hamster flying through the monster truck's driver-side window and knocking over three nearby Fisher-Price Little People."

THE STORY CONTINUES ON THE LINK I PROVIDED ABOVE!

Good thing for meat

This will be one of those post that starts in one place and then takes a sharp left turn and then probably starts going uphill or something. What I mean is, I'm going to change subjects a little so try and keep up.

First of all some of you may know that I am doing the Tuesday Tummy Tuck (basically we are all on a low cal healthy eating lifestyle change and we weigh in every Tuesday, it's not to late to join by the way). I've been feeling frustrated with my slow weight loss so last week I decided to pull a Babe Ruth and predict a home run. Or in my case I was predicting a 3 pound weigh loss this week. No more of this one pound a week shit. Step away from the chocolate Shannon. Because I was hell bent on making this goal and not looking like a fucking idiot who couldn't abstain from junk food long enough to lose 3 lbs I've been very good this week. That means that big huge piece of strawberry tuxedo cake sitting in my fridge has done that all week SIT!

Back to the point of the story here. Last night we took Brandon to the indoor McDonalds play place because its freezing here and he WANNA GO PARK WANNA GO PARK really bad. Rob says he will take him when he picks him up from work but he has to stop by the bank first so we ended up being off at the same time. I told him I would meet him and Brandon there. This means that I go walking into McDonalds all alone (well I had Codi) and am hit with the giant wafting of FRENCH FRIES. Delicious greasy fries. Those are the only things I eat at McDonalds (aside from a salad now and then) and of course McFlurrys. I stop dead in my tracks and say to myself, it's only a small fry, and it won't hurt your weight loss any since you were super good all week. Yes thats right, one little wiff of fries and I was going to toss in the towel all together. THAT IS...until I remembered that McDonalds adds beef to their fries. FUUUUUUCK THAT! So for the first time in my life I was actually grateful for meat and I remembered why I had totally banished McDonalds from my life forever. So no fries for me, and instead I just went and played in the play land with Brandon and I actually got some exercise. It payed off because this morning I did my weekly weigh in and I saw that I had lost 4.4 pounds instead of just 3. Okay well for 4 pounds I can deal with a life with out fries.

Anyway this whole thing leads me to where I was really going with this all. An acquaintance (ahahahah it's hilarious that I refer to them this way rather then a friend) of mine recently asked me why I became a vegetarian. I realized that I'm not sure I ever wrote about that on here. I'm sure I have but I really can't remember everything I write so I wanted to tell you all again.

Becoming a vegetarian was a very slow long process. It was actually almost 14 years before I became a full on vegetarian and even now I still taste meat almost every night, because dammit a good chef tastes what they make no matter how much they hate meat.

Step one: One day in my old tiny kitchen on Toll Road I was enjoying a bologna and plastic cheese roll up. One of my all time favorite snacks. I was about 11 at the time. My cousin who is at my house looks at me and says, did you know they put pig ears and feet and noses and ears in bologna? I froze dead in my tracks and since I always took whatever my cousin said to be totally true (she used this to her advantage...just ask her sometime about the fucking pink bathrobe ghost) I threw away my bologna and gave it up for a long time. She also let me know that hot dogs were the same thing. I was so upset as those were actually my two favorite meats. Yes thats right you guys have no idea how ghetto this girl really is.

Step two: My mom likes to eat fish. She used to make me eat it. I hate hate hate fish. Aside from tasting like rotten trash, they swim in their own poop all day for goodness sakes. One night she made me fish and I wouldn't eat it. She was like no your eating it so I had to just sit and stare at it. The fish got cold and she reheated it. Finally in an attempt to get me to eat it she let me pour some Mrs. Dash cheese powder stuff on it. I think that stuff was meant for popcorn and definitely not fish. This just made it worse. That one night is the actual reason I don't make Brandon eat if he doesn't want to. If he's hungry he'll come back and eat, but if he doesn't like what I'm serving he doesn't have to eat it. I can't make his taste buds like something they don't the same way I will never ever like fish or lamb. Back to the point. The next time my mom served fish I very matter O factly informed her I was now a vegetarian. It worked, I didn't have to eat the fish. However, now I had to become a vegetarian because I had said it. Fuck what had I done.

Step three: After the fish incident I did good at giving up meat. I realized I actually didn't like it. However I totally missed burgers. SOoooo me and my dad would often go run an errand, stop at McDonalds buy burgers and eat em before we got home so my mom wouldn't know I ate meat and try and feed me more fish. But alas everything has to get ruined. One day I was about 15 at this point, my dad and I had went on a driving lesson in his jeep and he let me drive up to McDonalds (a story I should tell someday about learning to drive clutch in a 1970 jeep with no power steering up a hill..awesome). So we are up there and I'm enjoying my Big N Tasty and we are talking about me not eating meat and why and stuff and I look down at my burger and kinda see it for what it is and nearly barf. Have you every actually analyzed ground beef? If not don't! I didn't finish my burger and I have NEVER eaten a burger since.

From this point on I was mostly meat free. Only I would sometimes get reallllllly stoned and eat hot dogs or chicken strips. In fact that is how my guy friends knew when I was at my weed limit...when I requested they drive me to Raleys for chicken strips. I went about this way for 4 more years. Then when I was 19 I started the Atkins diet. Ummm have you ever done Atkins. The whole point of the diet is to eat meat. So I said, Self you can eat this meat if it means you will lose weight. SO for about 7 months I at meat. Mostly chicken and steak with a little ham and pork chops once in a while.

Step four: This is where all red meat suddenly started tasting like blood to me and I banished all red meat from my life. So now it was just chicken and pork.

Step five: Where I wake up grossed out by all pork besides bacon.

Step six: Where I discover I can no longer eat chicken that looks like chicken because chicken actually taste really fucking gross. I now realize that I hate chicken, that I've hated it all along and I don't know how in the fuck you people even eat chicken. Excuse me while I throw up. The only chicken or meat I am now tolerating is of course my beloved hot dogs (like every 4 months) and McChicken sandwiches and spicy chicken sammies from Wendy's. I could eat those because they didn't' actually look or taste like chicken.

Step seven: I get pregnant with Brandon and realize that all meat is the devil and quit eating it. Cooking it, seeing it and smelling it makes me sick. This is the point where I go pretty much off all meat with the exception again of my stupid hot dogs. (Dude could I have picked a worse meat to eat?). I still cooked it for Rob but I stood about 4 feet from the stove while doing it, and I had a coronary if I came home and my house smelled like bacon. (I burned a lot of candles then).

Step eight: Shannon gets pregnant with Codi and realizes that hot dogs taste like feet and gives up ALL MEAT FOREVER because seriously people this stuff taste like shit. Except bacon, bacon taste like pieces of fried heaven, but it is an animal so I make do with soy bacon. MMMMMMM soy bacon BLT (if I knew how to type out that sound home makes where he drools and his tongue sticks out of his mouth I would insert it here.)

At this point I think it is a combination of really thinking meat taste bad, and really not wanting to eat an animal. I've kind of tricked my mind into thinking of all animals as fluffy little kitty cats and such. I hate the idea of eating meat because all I see is the poor little animal as I'm eating it. Like I said I do taste my dinners every night, and by taste I mean I take the smallest teensiest bite you've ever seen. And last week when I tasted my beef lumpia I took a bite, chewed three times, got the flavor and spit it out. However since all good chefs taste their food, and I don't ever want to be in a position some day where I'm finally at a culinary high and I get shut down because I didn't taste the fucking chicken and notice it was undercooked, I taste the fucking chicken at night.

As a side note, when I was smaller around 11-12 I had bunnies, ducks and chickens. Because of this I always had a problem eating meat anyway. Last week I was watching Iron Chef and rabbit was the secret ingredient and I deleted the show immediately because it made me sad and I didn't want to support killing animals for sport like that. This is also why I will skip over your blog if you talk about killing animals in any way. I don't believe in it. I don't fish, I don't let my husband fish and I'm really having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that both of my kids grandparents want to take them fishing. It is against everything I believe in, and personally I think the whole world would just be better off if we were all vegetarians. I know we would all be healthier!

Subtlety

As a parent there are many things said to you that really drive you crazy. Most of those things are said right to your face. Things like:

• When my kids where growing up...
• You really shouldn't...
• I heard....
• You should do it this way

But, there are also things that aren't said directly. Those are the ones that bug me the most. I've been encountering this a lot lately. However I've been encountering this the most at work. I hesitate to write about this because you never know who is reading, but at this point it is driving me nuts.

Here is my favorite examples,
"Oh look how cold your little feet are, your mommy didn't put any socks on you."
"Oh your wearing that funny shirt again that rides up funny, I know that bothers you huh."
"Oh your mommy has you upside down to help you fart. Isn't that weird, yes look at you, your upside down." (He was actually on my knees with his head tilted town about an inch so I could push his legs up to help him fart.)

This shit drives me batty people. If your going to tell me I'm doing something wrong, tell me. Don't tell my 8 week old in front of my face knowing I'll read between the lines that you think I'm being a fucking moron. I don't understand why people do that. Obviously they know that I hear them, obviously I'm smart enough to figure it out, so why beat around the bush like a scared little bitch. Instead of saying, wears your jacket little one, just say Hey Shannon I think your kid should have a jacket. That way I can have a chance to respond that no it's a hundred degrees in my car, he's fully clothed and under a bundle me, a jacket would give him heat stroke.

So a word to the wise. If you think your mommy friends are fucking up, come right out and say it to their face, that way you at least give them the option to say back in your face, GO PARENT YOUR OWN KID AND NOT MINE! I'm doing just fine thank you very much! Because what I've noticed, is most of the time those people are telling you what your doing wrong, they have their own kid at home. However, their kid is usually some total screw up who they see nothing wrong with. Obviously lady your way isn't working or your kid wouldn't be sitting at home with their thumb up their ass being a lose piece of shit.

For those of you moms who encounter this, from now on try handling it like me.

"Why yes Codi you are upside down huh cutie wootie smootzie, thats because your mommy did the research and read and learned what to do to help you relieve the gas, isn't that right lovey dovey moopie pie, your mommie is doing whats the very best for you isn't she, isn't she, yeah, you like being upside down because mommy is making your belly feel better. You love your mommy because she takes the time to read books and research and learn all about you, sweetie baby dearest!

THAT WILL SHUT THOSE FUCKERS UP HUH!

Causing hearts to burst open everywhere