Sick = Where the fuck did that come from

As I mentioned earlier, my son is sick. Being a mom with a sick child is one of the worst things ever. You know, people don't tell you why though. Yeah yeah seeing a baby be sick sucks. However being puked on 4-5 times a day super sucks. Especially when a little tiny 22 pound baby suddenly pukes up 2 quarts full of cottage cheese looking stuff and you look at him thinking where in the fuck have you been keeping all that shit? And really, being a mom, tests your gag reflex in ways you can't imagine. Because, when you have a sick child puking on you, you really can't do anything more then stand there and take it. The last thing you want to do is puke back on your child or freak out and make them feel bad for what they did.

However, no one tells moms about the poop that kids have when they are sick. Holy shit, (punn totally intended). Sunday night, he literally squirted out something that looked and smelled like that brown gravy you buy in the packet at the store. Only it smelled like I had mixed in some two month old rotten eggs.

If you are still reading at this point I am slightly amused by you and really questioning your sanity.

But, today, today, o today. Nothing could have prepared me for this kid. I walked down the hallway where he was and bout threw up from the smell that hit my nose. Normally he runs away when he poops but today, he stood there all proud like, "yeah mom, I made that, it came out of me!" I rushed him to the changing table in the bathroom and opened his diaper and immediately I regretted being trapped in such a small room with such a huge fucking mess. SERIOUS!!!! I'm so serious, I used caps, exclamation points and bold!!!! Inside his diaper I found some kind of mustard liquid jelly concoction. Totally not on purpose I made my worst EWWW face and he burst out laughing, so impressed with the junk in his trunk.

This happened two more times today. Both times I was shocked, baffled and forcing myself not to vomit on him. One of the times, he did it in my coworkers office, and we actually had to go get spray because an hour later the smell was still there. The only way I could get through it was telling myself it was cuz all the sickies were finally coming out of him, and this was a good thing. I thought that, until he let out two, two quart pukes all over my work and my dad and my work and did I mention my dad. I came around the corner to see my dad holding him out about two feet in front of him, his shirt, pants and shoes covered in cottage cheese and the funniest look on his face. As soon as I got around the corner Brandon took on look at me and puked up another KoolAid pitcher worth of curdles.

If you are still reading, I know the name of a great mental hospital you can check into. It is so funny because they always say, don't stress when your baby spits up, although it looks like a lot its only a few teaspoons. HA HA HA teaspoons would be nice. My kid is puking up cups, and saucers and bowls full. Really, though. How is it that the moment you become a parent suddenly you can withstand being puked on and covered in mustard stinky poo with out even flinching? However, this only works for your child. If some other kid puked on me, they should run fast, because I'm about 8300% sure I'm going to be puking up a whole gallon on them. Really I can't handle changing other kids diapers but I can handle rotten egg gravy poop from my own son. Awww the mysteries of parenthood.

Okay I have to go now, I need to throw all the mustard, gravy and eggs out of my house at once!

First comes first

I LOVE RACHAEL RAY. No, really. I would marry her if I could. Then we could have glorious arguments about who got to cook what in the kitchen. Okay we would probably also fight over who had better knives. I vote wusthof, I'm sure she would vote her Rachael Ray knives. We all know who would win that. ME, DUH! Was there even a question there? I tivo her knew talk show and I just love it. However I'm also a huge fan of her 30 minute meals shows. A few reasons why I like her. She often does vegetarian meals, or things that can easily be vegetarian. She also does a lot of different kind of things or different takes on common stuff. Watching her really helps my creative side come flying out. It makes me think, "self, why don't you try making that, minus this plus that, with a side of this." And then I make it and its awesome and I think wow, had I never watched Rachael Ray I never would have discovered Cumin.

On another topic. I miss gluten. Rachael Ray made these things tonight called Frankenstuffers and I was infuriated that I couldn't have em.

Frankenstuffers
One can pilsbury pizza dough (cut into 8 pieces)
Hot dogs
Mustard
Bacon
Other Dog fixins

Put one dog in piece, add mustard, ketchup, cheese, bacon, mayo, sourcraut, the kitchen sink, roll up, seal like a bagel dog and bake as it says on can. Eat and enjoy!

Do you see now why I'm stomping around the house like a 13 year old who just got told she couldn't have a cell phone. Not to mention the fact that my husband insists on keeping COOKIES AND CREAM FULL FAT ICE CREAM IN THE FREEZER. No he doesn't hate me, it's just the only kind I like. Don't worry, I make sure to give the ice cream a dirty look every time I open the freezer. Thank gosh I found the slow churn low cal CHOCOLATE FUDGE CHUNK ice cream, or I would probably defile his ice cream somehow. (Angie says I should pee in it anyway, I'll wait till the carton starts giving me dirty looks back)

I am pretty sure the TV hates me. All I see is Arby's and Wendy's and Burger King commercials and I swear I never wanted a Burger so bad as I do the very second those commercials start.

Rachael Ray just started cooking some kinda super meat chilli with some fucking ultra cheesy spicy corn bread that I can't eat and I want to go back and edit my blog to the I hate Rachael Ray blog. I won't though. And then a goshdarn Receese commercial comes on and I'm reminded that aside from the calories I can't even eat those because my son is allergic to peanut butter and there is no way in hell I'm going to be my own sons kiss of death. I'll just go eat my low cal, gluten free fake fucking ice cream. Watch out Cookies and Cream, I've had a lot of water today.