Laughing so hard I may need to borrow one of my sons diapers so I don't piss myself.

I'm in here talking to my mom. One of our coworkers just called and said shes packing her cabinets to move and she is totally grossed out by the stuff she is finding in there. Normal right? NO WAIT THIS GETS GOOD PEOPLE. So my mom responds, "Well, you would never see that in my cabinets, because you know I clean mine out every few months!" I'm already starting to giggle because I know what is coming next. Sure enough here it comes.

" You know, my grandma raised me and my mom the right way. Women are supposed to do spring and winter cleaning. You know every few months you should take down all of your curtains and wash them. You should scrub down all of your walls from head to toe. You need to clean out all of your cabinets and your refrigerators every few months. I mean really, you need to dust ever single shelf and wash every picture frame and so on. You know that china needs to be polished yearly and your silver right before Thanksgiving so when people come over you don't serve them on unpolished silver."

No really. She said this. I'm about to piss myself imagining me, and my friends who work full time, running home to wash and iron my curtains. HAAAAAAAA! I'll just shoot em with some Febreeze that will do the trick.

Wash my curtains, now that is a good one. But, this is coming from the lady who thinks dressers, and washing machines and beds and couches should be moved monthly and vacuumed under. COME ON. I'll vacuum that as soon as I know a very tiny person is coming over and they can actually see under my bed.....Don't even get me started on the fact that this woman used to fold my underwear before they were allowed in my drawer. I'm not even going to tell you about how this woman cleans a bathroom. I mean really, cleaning the bathroom involves taking things off the wall, scrubbing towel racks, soaking shower heads...did I mention this is weekly.

This is the same lady who comes in your office every 10 mintues to straighten all the pens and papers on your desk. Just to fuck with her I turn it all a half inch when she leaves. It makes her insane. All of her paperclips face one way, along with everything on her desk. So I would always tell her to leave the mess on my desk alone and I even had a sign, DON'T MESS WITH MY MESS. And every night she would come in and tidy it and say she didn't do it. So one day I cleaned off almost my entire desk. Then I took ONE pen and put it off to the side and I did it sorta crooked, then i put a blank sticky off to the other side, sorta crooked, and I left out two lone paper clips. She actually called me and said "I KNOW YOU ARE FUCKING WITH ME BUT I CAN'T LEAVE IT LIKE THIS"

No wait there is more. Every 3 months she would throw away the ENTIRE contents of her fridge and freezer because they were old and messy. Then, buy all new stuff.

Oh yeah, my mom gets hives when she comes to my house.

ITS A JOKE, YOUR SUPPOSED TO LAUGH

So, I'm at work and someone was talking about how at burning man you can't have quads because they are four wheel drive. So I respond, well, if you have a three wheeler then isn't it only three wheel drive ha ha ha.

Nope, no laugh nothing. I get this in response
"NO don't you get it, no ATV's at all"

WOW is this what the world has come to? People walking around so full of negative that they can't even recognize a joke any more? I mean really people. Relax some. Good lordy. Shit. Stop and smell the fucking roses and TAKE A JOKE!

When I responded it was just a joke they said "I don't have time for jokes"!!!!!!

WHO DOESN'T HAVE TIME FOR A JOKE? Okay people, if you are walking around today telling yourself you don't have time for a joke, then you need a day off, or some chocolate, or some sex, or, some sex and chocolate.

RELAX

What is up with all the negative Nellies and the I Canters in the world

Man. I don't understand so much of the things I've been experiencing lately. As you all know I've been doing my diet thing and I've been using the help of a website called Sparkpeople.com. WELL! On this website there are message boards. And after months of avoiding them I decided to venture into them. It was like blogging and I got pretty hooked on it. Plus since I love to run my mouth it was a great place to go. Well. I started putting up these posts with helpful suggestions in response to peoples comments and all I got back was a bunch of negative.

For example. This person was talking about eating a bunch of junk and I was astonished at all the junk she had in her house, I'm talking kit kat, peanut butter cups, candy bars, and so on. So I said, maybe instead of having that kind of stuff, you could have a little snack bowl of healthy or premeasured snacks on your counter like I do. I WAS FLOODED WITH NEGATIVE RESPONSES. One person wrote back and said, NO, I CAN'T JUST HAVE A PORTION, ONE PORTION MAKES ME WANT MORE AND BLAH BLAH THEN I BINGE AND THAT IS AN AWFUL IDEA.

Here is an actual response I received

Wilddreemer, your advise about healthy and portion-controlled snacks is great, and one that many people will benefit from if they follow it. You sound like you've got a real handle on this part of your eating, and I commend you for it.
I am not one that has lost weight that way, however, and believe there are many like me. After nearly 40 years of weight struggling, I've learned that I'm sensitive to sugar. One hundred calorie pre-packaged oreo flakes and other bite-sized bags-o-snacks usually contain large concentrations of sugar, or have nothing but carb and sugar with no fiber or protein to limit a blood sugar spike once I eat it. These things make me crave sugar more and more so I get to a point where the little snacks just don't cut it - I need to 'freebase' some sugar. The chocolate bars my coworker is selling for her kids is torture to avoid; avoiding high carb food gets harder; ice cream becomes something I daydream about...those processed snacks lead me down a path of increased difficulty, indulgence, and guilt. I know this, and choose to avoid those things. Many of the processed things are nutritionally empty, at least that's what I tell myself to keep from eating them. A 'healthy choice' cupcake would (and has) send me over the edge and undo all my hard work in eating healthy and nutritiously...I'd be back at square one. If I remove myself from these really bad temptations like the coworkers chocolate (nearly impossible since I work there), I will begin eating the ENTIRE BOX of cupcakes, or wafers, or whatever it is. It is like asking an alcoholic to only have one drink.
Snacks like you mentioned that are natural and healthier are a great option, but those of us who struggle with the all-or-nothing mentality are not going to fare as well as you have with these small temptations.
How many of you can eat controlled portions of packaged snacks? How many see these as triggers for worse food?

I was so appalled.

Then I posted something funny about Brandon feeding me Cheetos, and should I count the calories in the five he feeds me every day? Guess what response I got:
YOU SHOULD BANISH THINGS LIKE CHEETOS FROM YOUR HOUSE, YOUR CHILD IS GOING TO BECOME OBESE AND IT WILL BE ALL YOUR FAULT AND YOU ARE SETTING TERRIBLE EXAMPLES HAVING FOOD LIKE THAT IN YOUR HOUSE!

HA, no really HA! ARE YOU KIDDING ME PEOPLE.

I had one hell of a response for those people. It went something like this.

Growing up my mom was very over weight. Rather then doing something about it, she closely monitored my weight. Also she was always doing some sort of crash diet. Seriously her freezer was always packed with Lean Cuisines and that was all she would eat for a whole day. There were liquid diets, Paid diets, diet pills, and so on. Even if my mom had never said a word about my weight watching her make hers such a big deal was enough to make me freak the fuck out about mine. A lot of people reading this actually know me. You know that in high school and my whole life I had never ever been bigger then a size 3. For someone being a size 3 and having their parent tell them they were gaining weight or getting fat because they weren't a size 1 anymore really mind fucks a person. But I can't blame my mom because her mom was that way with her. Its a chain. I don't want to follow that chain. So I wrote about how, this time I'm not actually dieting I'm making a life style change. Because I want my kids to grow up and think eating healthy is normal and following portion size is normal. I wrote that, there is no way I would banish my sons favorite Cheeto's. My mom did that to me. She banished all of the fun foods so I would binge like crazy when I was somewhere else. Seriously ask Katie about fat fast. When I was allowed to go to Katies house AKA land of the good food and toast...TOAST AS IN BREAD I would eat loaves of toast and we would make Fat fast shakes, which included ice cream, chocolate sauce, peanut butter, bananas, candy, sugar and anything else yummy. I would binge and binge and binge at her house and then hope and pray my mom wouldn't find out. Who wants to live like that. So I wrote back to Mrs Cheeto hater that there was no way in hell I was going to get rid of all that food, and I"m sorry her son is now obese but that is her problem not mine. When Brandon feeds me Cheeto's each morning I smile and I enjoy them. Once in a while, going and getting ice cream is a good idea. Having some chocolate together is fun. I need to make him understand that he doesn't ever need to hide food from me. He just needs to balance bad with good. Which isn't a problem considering I cook every night and every day and I make soups loaded with fresh veggies and healthy meals and stuff.

Basically I was flabergasted by these negative people. I reread the post from the lady who said she couldn't just have a portion because then she would have to eat more and I had had it. I was fed up I wrote back and here was my exact post.

all crazy but let me just tell you what i notice from my first day here. A lot of negativity and a lot of I can't do it because i don't want to. You are making all of this so much about food you aren't even giving yourselves a chance to concentrate on other things. As I mentioned before while I was growing up my parents house revolved around food. What food was good, bad, off limits and so on. Who ate good that day, who ate bad. Then I moved out and realized I did the same things. One day, recently I was driving home and I noticed the sunny weather. I came home and I was watching Oprah and her diet guy Bob said, that a very important part of dieting is giving up the scale every day. So I made this decision starting January first to eat healthy. BUT I decided I was not going to weigh in for an entire month. This almost killed me. I used to weigh myself 40 times a day. But after a few days I started to notice the changes in my body, how my clothes fit, how I felt and my over all personality. Rather then concentrating so much on the weight and food, I started to do other things. I started writing and reading blogs. I started playing more with my son. I started a weekend challange to clean out one whole room in my house. Cleaning is an amazing exercise and my house has never been so organized. On February first I weighed in and had lost 10 lbs exactly. I was so proud of myself and I made the decision that from now on I only weigh in on the 1st and 15th. It gives me so much more freedom to not waste every second of my life stressing. The next thing I did, while driving home that sunny day is realize I hate the gym. And if you are doing something that makes you unhappy don't do it. So I had my husband get down my old bike, because as a kid I LOVED to ride bikes. I went on a test run to the end of the street and before you knew it, you couldn't pry me off that bike. Now, I get exercise that I actually enjoy doing and it also gives me time to clear my head of all my days troubles. I even got my son a little bike seat so he can ride around with me, and spend some time doing something I really enjoy. I really encourage you all to open your eyes to all of the positive wonderful things around you. Go two weeks with out stepping on the scale and don't say you can't do it, because can't is just being negative. Find anything you love to do. I love cooking, so now, I cook big healthy meals during the week and take them to work to share with my dieting co workers. I ride my bike, I go buy a new head band, i get a fun hair cut (because mommies need to be hot too) I read my blogs, and I post blogs. I buy good magazines like Red book and stuff and read about funny things. I organize my house, and I have lots more sex because with me being happy even though I'm not a size two I still feel sexy. Come on people, lets get happy and positive again. Enjoy your new healthy life style and reward yourself. Relish in the things you love. Join a book club, ride a bike, get back on those rollerblades from when you were a kid. Go to the bounce house with your kids. Anything. Do something that for just a second, makes you feel like a kid again. you will notice such a change. I have. Even my husband, and parents and family, and friends have all noticed the difference in my personality. now go out there and do something FUN!

Guess what happened. They all shut up. I got one, way to go wilddreemer response and that was about it. I hope they read what I wrote and they really think about it. Because if you start a diet or ANYTHING with the mind set that you can't do it dumbasses. Fuck. You need to go into something this big with the attitude that you can do it. So to my blogging diet friends take my advice. Find a hobby, something you truely love and concentrate on that. Stop making it about the weight and make it all about you.

AND FOR FUCKS SAKE CAN YOU JUST FUCKING SMILE!

No people, I'm not really that down in the dumps.

Okay so as Jen so graciously pointed out (thank you for worrying bout me, makes me feel special, and not short bus special, real special) my posts have had a sort of negative undertone to them lately. Oh shit, who am I kidding they have just been spewing woe is me and poor me and blubbering cry baby shit all over the place. However, Jen its not because I'm actually sad, its because NOW as these things happen to me, it seems so much easier to just blog about them and be done with it. You know I used to keep all of this stuff in, come home and dump it all on my husband. But then at the end of the day, since I didn't "REALLY" talk about it, with a friend and the whole world, and anyone else who would listen, I find I'm still so upset about it. Soooo, I dump it all on YOU! You being all of my blogger buddies (all 8 of you now)! Now, at the end of the day, I get a couple reassuring responses, and a few, Hey Shannon you don't suck as bad as you think, and even some, screw those people. That makes me feel better. It makes me feel like I can go ahead and let it go. Soooo, if I have to throw in a few, my son is making me insane, my mom is wearing me down, my husband is driving me bonkers, and the whole world is basically making me wanna have the meltyiest melt down ever known to man. Then you guys have to deal with it because it makes me feel better. Also, I try and add in as many super cuteolicious pictures of Brandon as I can to keep the humor alive.

And don't worry I will still write funny stuff too, like how in the fuck is my new couch so covered in milk and Cheeto's? Annnnd how on earth do you get milk out of a couch. I try washing it and it seems to just spread it around. So do I try to put it in the washer? Because my brand new couches already seem to be coming apart at the seems, will washing them in the machine just make them fall to pieces? Uggg, Milk. and leaky sippy cups. Darn it.