Last night was my husbands first softball game. I went there and I was so excited. I wasn't dressed nice, in fact I was wearing jeans that are now so big, that when I walked, I had to hold them up by the belt loop because I was too stubborn to wear a belt. Anyway, the point is, I sure wasn't expecting to run into anyone. I turned around and the team behind my husbands, on the other field, was a friend/ex ummm lover and his team. We are still friends so I walked over to say hi. Then I found myself face to face with 3 ex relationships. Two of who are now good friends, and one, well, one who was you know, the one that given the chance I would have done every thing different with.
I was shocked. I think I actually froze as he walked toward me. I didn't even need my glasses because I would recognize that smile full of the most perfect teeth from a million miles away. Not to mention the walk. The cocky saunter he always had. I was just frozen in time. Its not as though we haven't seen each other since we broke up, it was just the first time we had seen each other sober, and in a normal environment. Luckily one of the other friends started talking and I busied myself talking to him, the whole time wondering if I was staring at the other. I maybe said two words to him and he even asked me to come back and chat with him during the game. I simply walked away and stayed on my side of the field, said a simple goodbye and left.
This guy is so much different from all of the other guys in my life. I started pining after him in 7th grade. For some reason, he just didn't want to give me a chance. He wanted to string me along and fuck with my mind. To be honest I blame him for so much of who I was in high school. Every time he picked a different girl over me, I would simply run off and make out with 10 guys just to show him what he was missing. I would sleep with this guy or that guy because somehow in my mind I wanted him to be jealous or something.
Finally the end of sophmore year he gave in. We were a couple. It was amazing and awful at the same time. Here was this wonderful prince of a guy who at the same time, had a way of making me feel so shitty about myself I often found myself conflicted over our relationship. He would tell me how not to wear my hair or what not to wear, and he had this voice, that he would use when he would talk to me like a was 4 year old child who didn't get it. I could have avoided this, I could have stepped up and laid down the law, instead, I chose to sleep with his best friend (who was one of the three guys at the game last night)! I cried the entire time it was happening, because in my mind I knew I was destroying the relationship I had wanted for so long.
We tried to work it out, and the remainder of that relationship turned into who could fuck with the others mind more. The relationship ended bad, beyond messy. The kind of thing that only happens in movies. It was terrible. It fucked with my mind for so long. I still find myself thinking, had we dated when we were younger or waited till we were older, we would have had such a different relationship. There is no part of me who would give up what I have now, but if I could have hand picked on person to be my only serious relationship it would have been him.
More then anything, I really wish it could have ended differently. I wish we could have been adults about it, and that it didn't take 5 years for us to be civil. I also with that we didn't have such great chemistry, I guess the chemistry between us is so great it is explosive at the same time. Last night, for the 2 minutes I talked to him, the chemistry was still there. We both know it, it has always been there, since 7th grade. I'm just sad we never got the chance to really explore how good we could have been together. Like I said, I'm totally happy where I am, this is where I want to be, it would have just been nice, to have a serious normal relationship under my belt, rather then some extreme crazy that ended in pure chaos.
