Why I could never be famous.

Reasons I could never be famous

1. I have never had a DUI

2. I don't do drugs

3. I've never had a DUI

4. I keep my clothes on

5. I've never had a DUI

6. I don't have an eating disorder

7. I have never been to rehab

8. I had kids and I didn't pawn them of on nannies or mannies

9. I'm still married

10. I have not dated my best friends husband or ex husband

11. I have never let my boyfriend wreck my Mercedes

12. I don't have 15 leased Mercedes in my driveway that are all blacked out and pimped

13. I don't have a tan

14. I've never had my kids visit me in rehab

and last but not least

15. I've never been to rehab and then gotten a DUI while sporting my 90 day sober AA chip and claiming I don't do coke yet having a usable amount in my car

I guess I can never be famous

return of the granny panties

Jen and I were talking the other day about buying underwear when we were pregnant. I advised her to never buy maternity undies. They are the most poorly designed things ever. I told her just to get some nice cotton undies, thong or regular as long as they were soft and sort of stretchy. I told her I loved a lot of the stuff at Gap Body. Later the next day I was picking out my days undies and I found my favorite plain old low cut cotton stretchy briefs with little flowers on them and a cute pink rim. I couldn't put them on fast enough. Then I remembered that I got these at the Gap Body sale. Now, when this store has a sale the best part is that everything is ridiculous cheap. Meaning I got undies ranging from .37 to .97 and bras for 1.97 at the most. Then I remembered that since it was a sale the selection was small, meaning I was only able to find one pair of the worlds softest panties. Now, this morning I go to my underwear drawer and I see no soft cotton panties and I'm sad. Really sad. I had to settle for something that is already giving me a wedgie and its only 9. Would it be wrong of me to just wash the same pair of undies every night for comfort sake or should I go on an underwear mission, only to find the perfect panties and discover they are going to cost me the equivalent of my first born and second born and my left toes?

A how to guide to parenting, part 2

HOW TO CREATE A SLIP AND SLIDE IN A PINCH

Tools needed:
1- Tile entryway (linoleum might also work)
1- Toddler

Step one: Leave toddler unattended for about 43 seconds (or long enough for mom to go pee with the door closed allll by herself)

Step two: Come back to find toddler splashing in water on your tile floor

Step three: Watch as toddler backs away about 15 feet and runs full speed toward water puddle

Step four: Realize, now that it is too late that,
A: Toddler is not wearing a diaper
B: Puddle of water is actually quite yellow and looks like pee

Step five: As you try and stop it and realize what is about to happen, watch as toddler gleefully throws himself onto his belly and slides across the tile floor in his pee

Step six: Stand there sort of dumbfounded as he splashes and slides and wiggles in pee

Step seven: Realize holy shit my child is playing in pee and stick him in sink to rinse

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Step eight: Realize that now for the rest of his life you are going to keep an eye on him, because why would he come to you and say "potty" when he can easily go create a slip and slide on the floor (which he did again 20 minutes later)?