Mortified

Remember earlier I mentioned that my husband was being a turd this weekend.  Well I wanted to tell you my favorite story from this weekend.

Sunday morning we all wake up.  Rob eats breakfast and he heads of to take his morning dump.  All the sudden Brandon starts jumping around that he has to go to the bathroom.  So I tell him to go and make sure not to pee on the floor.  He starts bouncing around and I ask what's wrong.  He says daddy is in his bathroom.  So I say okay go in daddies and be sure to keep it in the toilet.  I put Codi down and go in after him. He pees and flushes and then I give him his undies and pants to put on. Then I go potty flush and we leave.  

About 15 minutes later I ask Rob something and he being total short with me.  I was like babe what's your problem.  He said he was annoyed because I didn't go in the bathroom with Brandon.  

Me:  Uhh yeah I did

Rob: Did you wipe him

Me: There was nothing to wipe

Rob:  Come on Shannon it smelled like shit in there, why don't you just say you didn't go in

Me: Because I did go in

Rob: Babe he was in there flushing the toilet a few times and it smells like poop, so if you didn't even know he pooped you couldn't have wiped him

Me: **Becoming VERY annoyed**  I did go in there Rob and he went pee and he put on his undies and pants and flushed

Rob: Shannon it smells like shit in there

Me: OMFG I WENT POOP CAN YOU LEAVE IT ALONE ALREADY I POOPED AFTER HE PEED THATS WHY YOU HEARD THE TOILET FLUSH TWICES (wanting to crawl in a hole and die a long death because I DON'T ADMIT TO MY HUSBAND I POOP)

Rob: **Busts out laughing**  All you had to do was say you shit

Me: NOOOOOOO Because then you would know I poop, and stop saying Shit

Rob: But you do poop

Me: You should have just trusted me and dropped it.

Rob:  You should have just said you pooped

Me:  Omg stop talking about how I pooped lets just drop it now.

Rob: **Still laughing** But you did poop

Me: STOOOOOOOPPPPP I DON'T POOP

Me: You sooooooo owe me an apology for thinking I didn't go in there and then not believing Me when I said I did

Rob: Okay, I'm sorry but you should just say you went in and shit

Me: Aggggggg shush

Rob: I could smell the shit

Me: I know but if I sprayed then you would have heard that and then you would have really known I was in there pooping so I didn't spray because I didn't think you would be in there sniffing the bathroom

Rob:  Just laughing at me.

I am sooooo mortified.  I can't believe I got caught pooping.  This is only the second time in SIX YEARS that he has caught me and it is no less embarrassing!!!!!!!!!!!

He tells me not to post the nice but it was just so cute

So this weekend Rob was being kind of pissy and short. It wasn't stretching to say that he was on his man period this weekend. By Sunday morning I was ready to kill him with his attitude. Around 10:00 we had to go pick up my car from the window tinting place which meant I had to ride in the car with him. Seconds before we get in the car he gets all short with me again. I got super cranky back and started pretty much ignoring him. He finally asks whats wrong and I told him that he had been being a total shit head a few times this weekend. So I turn away from him and look at the window and all the sudden I hear.

He he it was the cutest thing I've ever heard him do. I look over and hes got his bottom lip out and has this sad sorry little face on. I just busted out laughing. it was very funny. I loved it. For the rest of the day everything was okay and he got off his period. I'm glad he was a butthead this weekend though or he never would have had a chance to play me the song.

As sung by Brandon

Twinkle twinkle little star, I wonder what hoppened.

Twinkle twinkle little star I go to park

Laaaaaaaaaaaa park yeah park laaaaaaa star I go to park

What hoppened little star

Finally becoming a mom

There are times in your life when you think your a mom. Times when you assume that just because you have children you are a mom. Then there are things that happen, that stop you in your tracks and make you say, TODAY I AM A MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!

This morning I had one of those moments. I was getting Brandon out of the car when I looked at him, licked my hand and smoothed down his hair. Then, I stopped dead in my tracks, and said, "well no shit, NOW I am a mom!!!!!"

Then a few hours later I found myself thinking how hard it is to pick your 4 month olds boogers when he won't quit wiggling and it happened again, I'm picking boogers and spit styling, why yes sir, I do think I'm a mom!

It kind of reminds me of an election

The piercing question reminds me of the last election where everyone was arguing over the results. Do boobs count as 2 piercings or one, since by belly button was pierced 3 different times then is that three piercings or one? Goodness. Either way, Rachel and Coffee slut win because 3 was the number I had set in my head. However after thinking about it I realize that boobs could be two different things because I guess a lot of people only pierce one and not the other. Strange.

I went to Old Navy this weekend to grab some tank tops. I thought I would try on jeans just to gauge what size I am there. I picked up some 14s and then thought, what the hell why not grab some 12s. They fit. They were actually baggy and I probably could have tried on 10s but since I wasn't buying jeans I didn't feel like wasting the time. Anyway my actual question is this. When I started my diet I was a size 18. Now I'm roughly a size 12. So. Did I go down 6 sizes meaning 18-12 =6 or did I go down 4 sizes meaning 18, 16, 14, 12= 4 sizes? Also, why is it womens jeans aren't done like mens jeans? You know 30, 31, 32, 33. All of their pants are sized the same and they get all the sizes. I really think women get screwed. I mean I know that while the 12s are baggy the 10's might be a little snug so why is it I don't have the option of an 11 yet my husband has the option of a 31?

While I'm busy bitching about sizes please explain to me why a size 12 isn't the same size for every fucking designer? Friday at work I pulled out all of my old jeans. I had 5 pairs of Lucky's in size 14 and 2 pairs of Abercrombies in size 12. Tell me how it is the 12's fit perfect but the fucking Lucky's were snug? Or how my size 16 Old Navy jeans are GIANORMOUS but my size 16 Lucky's fit perfect?

Codi took a bath today and I think he is too chubby to fit properly in his bath tub. I find this super duper cute. He keeps looking bigger yet weight wise, no change. He has a doctors appointment Thursday and I'm excited to see his weight. I'm also excited to find out if I can feed him steak rice cereal yet, because he won't quit staring at my spoon.

Okay must go snuggle fresh bathed baby now!

Yeah I'm weird I know

Sometimes while sitting here reading blogs I get bored. So I do the only logical thing I can think of. I start poking my fat. You do that right? Anyway lately, I've gotten bored simply poking my fat and now have moved on to making shapes in my fat!

My favorite, is grabbing the fat right around my belly button and squeezing it to make what I call a skin fat donut.

Don't you want a donut now?

Is it possible the slut could win again

Coffee Slut said...

hmmm, I'm gonna say 3.

SHE IS CORRECT! Rachel also guessed 3 and since I have two bags of candy I'll let you both win!
So send me your addresses wilddreemer@yahoo.com and I will mail off your candy!

Oh, what have I pierced?

Nose
Belly button (3 separate times because of surgeries)
Nipples! (hahahah Rachel, I used to have them pierced but took em out after ripping one out while brushing my hair!)

And the slut wins joke contest!

The winner of the joke contest goes to Coffee Slut!

Coffee Slut said... What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute? A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.


She made me laugh so hard. I loved this joke because it was totally raunchy! You all came up with some great ones but she got the most votes. I've been reading her for about 6 months now and she cracks me up. She has really funny photos of her cats and excellent youtube videos. So everyone now go to her website and tell her how much she made you laugh with her dirty naught post!

CHEATER CHEATER PUMPKIN EATER

Since my mom is a big huge cheater I will have to ask a new question for the free bag of candy contest.
The previous question was: Who taught Superman how to fly?
The correct answer: DUH, my dad did. Come on now, everyone knows their dad is the one who taught Superman to fly!

However since I failed to tell my mom she better not post that answer I'm issuing a new question.

The new question is: Not counting ears, how many different body parts have I pierced?

MOM, DAD AND HUSBAND YOU CAN NOT ANSWER!

TUESDAY TUMMY TUCK YOU STILL CAN'T PLAY EITHER!

Easter 1 Shannon 0

You may all remember yesterday when I broke up with Easter. I asked for a divorce and said look Easter you can have the house but I get the kids! Well today, that little shit got me back. He threw me one last fuck you. Clever little shit that Easter is.

Today I went to the store to get some stuff. Eggs, yogurt, apples, cheese, oranges, do you see a pattern? HEALTHY GOOD DIET FOOD! So. I'm walking to the lotion and soap isle to get some stuff for the boys in the house (my froo froo stuff could never be purchased at a lowly grocery store) when I pass the Easter isle. I smuggly glance over and think, HA HA EASTER I'M DONE WITH YOU, YOU WON'T GET ME THIS YEAR! I head toward the check out and I pass the same purple bag from yesterday. Zooom. Past it I go. Left it in the dust. However I do spot a display for the new Bee Movie and think I'll pick it up for Brandon since he hasn't gotten DVD's lately. I finally head to the check out and the checker is like hey Becky Bagger can you go grab the free candy that goes with this movie.

Can you guess what the free candy was?

Fucking Easter. He thinks he's soooooo smart. He knew that I couldn't just leave behind FREE candy. He knew that I would hear the word free and come crawling back to him just this once. He knew if he dangled that sexy purple bag in front of me and offered it to me for free I would forgive him just one more time. I gave in. I let down my guard and I opened my heart back up. I snatched the bag out of the checkers hand so fast I saw smoke politely told the cashier thank you and left with my groceries.

I walked to my car staring at the bag. I stared at it as I loaded it up and I stared at it through the rear view mirror the whole way home. He knew what he was doing. It was like candy four play. Look at me baby, I was free and I come in a shiny bag, come on Shannon you know you want to eat me, he said softly in a come hither crinkle of his plastic bag. I got home and I stared at that little fucker some more.

Fuck you shiny purple bag of goodness

I decided that Easter wasn't going to screw me again. This time that little fucker wouldn't win. So go ahead Easter start singing your new theme song Na na na na, na na na na na hey hey hey GOODBYE! Fool me once shame on you fool me twice IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN SUCKAH!!!!

So in conclusion, I now have one free bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs that will go to the first person to comment who can correctly tell me who taught Superman how to fly wins!

Tuesday Tummy Tuck members need not apply YOU WILL NOT WIN.