on the HEAVIER side of things

Today is day 18 of my dreaded diet and day two of my period. I can't tell you if I've made progress because I still haven't weighed myself. I can't remember if I told you but I'm not weighing myself again until February 1st. This is driving me bonkers. I used to weigh myself every time I peed. And people, I PEE A LOT!

I think I'm at the stage now where I need to learn to stop thinking of food every single minute and only think about it when I'm hungry. I feel like an alcoholic who is reaching out for a sponsor. But as you know, you can't have just any ole person be a sponsor. You need someone who has been through it, or even who is going through it. Right now there seems to be a shortage of people who want to take dieting as serious as me. So when those times come where I want to eat just to eat and I need to call someone so they can say that exact right time, I am stuck.

You know, this is the first time I've started a diet for reasons other then weight loss and vanity. I won't lie and say losing the pounds and a smaller jean size wouldn't be nice. The biggest reason though is my son and my future kids. The last thing I want to do is pass my weight issues down to my kids like my mom did to me and her mom did to her. Even if my mom never said a word to me about my diet, I would still have known what it was because SHE WAS ALWAYS ON SOME KIND OF DIET. I watched an episode of Oprah recently (yes I love her, I want to marry her, I Tivo her and I reference her allll the time, so shush) and she talked to moms and their kids. There were a couple kids on the show who were about 4 and they thought they were fat. This one little girl thought fat people were ugly. Then there was this beautiful girl in high school who must have been about a size two and she was obsessed with her weight. Both moms said they really didn't understand why because they spent everyday telling their kids how beautiful they were. BOTH girls said the same thing. They said that everyday they saw their moms in the mirror talking to themselves about being fat, and looking at their ass, and counting calories and stocking up on Lean Cuisines while serving the rest of the family regular food, and they just figured it out themselves. Without even intending to these women had passed their issues on to their kids. It smacked me right in the face that day. I was those women. I was going to be that mom who passed her issues to her kids. Hell I've already passed them on to my husband and he never weighs more then 170. Even boys have body issues so I do have to worry about this even though right now I only have a son.

I realize that I need to take this seriously NOW so that when he is older I'm not trying to do it in front of him. My goal is to just make eating healthy seem normal that my kids never know otherwise. There are so many things that come with this task. Like learning to eat three meals a day or learning not to snack because it is the weekend. The biggest one is trying to learn not to turn to food when I'm upset. I keep telling myself that this blog is a way of healing myself and learning to be who I really want to be but I have to accept the fact that finally dealing with my weight issues is probably the biggest change I can make. That is the biggest reason I don't want to step on the scale. I don't want this whole thing to be based on numbers. I want it to be based on how I feel. I want to do it whether I like what I see on the scale or not. I want to learn how to be full from a normal serving instead of telling myself I can eat more today because I lost a few pounds. I don't want to starve myself because I don't see the scale moving. Eventually I would like to learn to be one of those people who doesn't weigh themselves unless they go to the doctor.

I think skinny people take being skinny for granted. Its all they know and they don't realize how hard it can be for some people. It drives me crazy when my friend who wears a double zero complains that she needs to go to the gym because she is really getting out of shape. I look at her and I'm just baffled. Or when she refers to her size 1 jeans as her fat pants. I just stare dumbfounded. Sometimes I don't think people realize what they are saying. Its almost as though they they are so absorbed by their extra 2.5 pounds that they don't realize that sometimes they are really hurting their friends. A lot of my friends used to try and sabotage me. They would encourage me to eat bad. Say things like "O come on you can't come to Olive Garden and not have breadsticks." Actually I can. It is quite easy. So today when a friend of mine talked about losing weight instead of telling her she didn't need to I was positive about it. I asked her reasons and encouraged her to do what would make her happy and made suggestions on how to do it in a fun and positive way. I didn't say things like, Why you don't need to lose weight, or suggest fad diets. I just talked to her for reals about it. I would like to think my suggestions helped her. But, even if they didn't they helped me because I know that I must be healing to have even responded the way I did. And for me, that is good enough.

Some of this must seem so drastic or odd to a lot of you but for me its necessary. Having issues with food is just as bad as having an addiction to alcohol or drugs, trust me I've had a problem with both. I still do. My cousin suggested I take up an activity as something to take my mind off eating. Only problem is all the good ones would seem like an even better activity for my son, i.e. me knitting, Brandon destroying my ball of yarn. I'll figure something out though. Hopefully I can keep up my good work and continue watching what I eat and making positive changes.

Smart little sucker

You know, I don't know how kids get to be so smart. This morning right in front of me my son pulled out the bottom drawer in my bathroom and used it to stand on so he could reach the counter. I have no clue where he learned this. I have been so careful not to do that in case he was watching.

Yesterday I couldn't figure out why there was paper all over the main room of my work. Then I walked out there and saw why. My son had pushed his power wheels four wheeler over next to the copy machine. He would climb up on top of it, push the copy button, jump off and run over and grab the sheet of paper. Then he would throw it on the floor and run back over to his quad. I was stunned. How on earth did he know exactly what button to push? So we unplugged the copier and the little stinker walked over and pushed the button that pops open the entire machine because he knew it was broken.

He knows exactly what button ejects the DVD's, which button turns on his Superman TV, which button starts the dishwasher (even when its empty), which drawer holds the gum and which switch turns on what lights.

HOW DOES HE KNOW ALL OF THIS?

I just don't get it! I mean yeah he is getting older, but really, it just takes my breath away when he does things. Now he is repeating words. Today he has repeated the following: Hey, No, Go, and another one I can't remember. He also learned how to pucker his lips, so when he is doing something wrong before you reach him to say NO he is ready and waiting all puckered up. How do you tell a child NO when he is trying to give you a kiss. Last night he kept saying I know, instead of I don't know every time I asked where his milk was. How does he know that?

He knows how to sit down and give me each foot for shoes and socks, and tries to zip his zipper after I put on his jacket.

My little boy is so big. Sniff sniff. To bad he doesn't know how to lay down and take a nap when he is tired.

Things my son will eat

* String cheese (only if cut into half inch circles)

* Tyson chicken bites

* NutraGrain bars (only strawberry, must! be in the wrapper still)

* Baby oatmeal (only on days he feels like it)

* Yogurt (only Yoplait, only Peach, must be served in a bowl with small spoon, must be allowed to feed himself)

* Anything chocolate

* Cheetos (Only while watching a movie)

* White rice (not allowed on plate or in bowl must be placed directly on high chair table thingy)

* Popcicles (duh, frozen sugar, HELL YA)

* Toast (only whole wheat or sour dough, only with margerine)

* Bananas (only in the grocery store cart)

* Grown up oatmeal (only when you have two bites left and really really want those two bites)

* Organic spaghetti stars (only every three days, IF! he feels like it)

* Potato chips (only in the store when everyone is looking at your child with the open bag of salty, nasty, unhealthy, FRIED potato chips and judging you)

* Quesadillas (only when mom remembers to make them)

* Gogurt (only if it is squeezed out of the package into a bowl)

* Milk (only if it is chocolate, strawberry or vanilla)

* Cheerios (only fruit flavor and only in a bag

*ANYTHING! OFF! THE! FLOOR ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

* Really! Anything. EVEN cat litter!

* YES! cat litter

Ickyness

Sunday night started out rough. Brandon woke up screaming his head off and shaking from the second molar I just learned at that second was coming in. Finally after 3 doses of oragel and a dose of Motrin he went to bed. Approximately 2 hours later I woke up feeling like I needed to vomit. I laid there and suffered until three when I finally got up and puked. I felt better and got into bed. That morning when I sat up I felt like vomiting again. It became clear that any type of moving made me want to puke. Turns out I had food poisoning. It was terrible. My parents had to come get Brandon and take him with them to work today because in the one hour I was left alone with him the following happened:

Grabbed his little stool and got into kitchen junk drawer. Removed two pairs of scissors and entire rest of drawer and threw it on the floor.

Took stool into bathroom and got toothpaste out of my medicine cabinet.

Took stool into his bedroom and got into all of his diaper changing stuff and began playing with his RECTAL thermometer. Shoved it in his pocket (down his shirt) to play with later.

Pulled everything off his bed and out of his toy chest. Smashed family heirloom piano to smithereens, and destroyed bedroom.

Removed all cords from hiding places and threw into the bath tub, also in the bath tub went, two belts, a cup, a shirt and some toys.

Threw about 8 blocks, a grocery card and a foam block into kitchen sink.

Emptied out his dads night stand and cleared off the top of mine.

Sooooo needless to say I was in no shape to watch him and had to call for help. After spending the whole day doing Cartwheels (if you don't know I won't tell you) I finally passed out at around 7PM. This morning I woke up only to find my son digging around in the cat litter box.

WOE IS ME!

So very thankful

Okay moms I finally found something my son will eat. Granted he still won't eat more then two but still he is at least eating something. They seem good and likes them and they are just the right size for his mouth. So moms if you are looking for something new to try run right out and grab these. Plus 3 of em heat up in only about 20 seconds. 20 SECONDS !! Have you ever made a meal that fast? I think not. Brandon gives them two tiny thumbs up. They aren't even all that greasy for a microwavable chicken product. Brandon likes to eat his with a lovely glass of chocolate milk. We find the chocolate compliments the chicken very nicely. These can also be served with a delightful side of string cheese circles (string cheese cut into half inch circle pieces) !

*Disclaimer: I accept no responsibility for any small petrified chicken pieces and fossilized cheese parts you may find hiding under your couches, tables, sheets, in your shoes, ect.

So very thankful

Okay moms I finally found something my son will eat. Granted he still won't eat more then two but still he is at least eating something. They seem good and likes them and they are just the right size for his mouth. So moms if you are looking for something new to try run right out and grab these. Plus 3 of em heat up in only about 20 seconds. 20 SECONDS !! Have you ever made a meal that fast? I think not. Brandon gives them two tiny thumbs up. They aren't even all that greasy for a microwavable chicken product. Brandon likes to eat his with a lovely glass of chocolate milk. We find the chocolate compliments the chicken very nicely. These can also be served with a delightful side of string cheese circles (string cheese cut into half inch circle pieces) !


*Disclaimer: I accept no responsibility for any small petrified chicken pieces and fossilized cheese parts you may find hiding under your couches, tables, sheets, ect.

Times I've lost my mind today 343,069

Times my sons left Converse shoe came untied: 5

Times my employee screwed up today: 7

Times my phone at work rang today: 48,359

Times the phone rang right when my ass cheeks hit the toilet2:

Times I had to go to the bathroom: 5

Times I went to the bathroom: 2

Times my son climbed my chair, jumped off the back over my head and fell on the floor: 3

Times my son ran away from me because I wanted to change his diaper: 3

Times I thought my sanity had been pushed as far as it could go: 78

Times I thought about hanging up on the customer who said rude things to me: 5

Today at work was awful. My day started with an emergency no heat oil call. I asked the guy 43 times if he was sure they had oil in their tank. He informed me that they did because the oil people had just been there tuesday. I called the guy to tell him I was going to his house and was informed I couldn't come for another two hours. Finally get there and find out that indeed there was not oil in the tank and again they had sucked sludge up into the shiny new furnace we installed. Customer called oil company and found out that they could not confirm or deny if they had taken oil to his house because their resident rocket scientist wasn't there and couldn't figure out how to input his name into the computer. It then took an employee 48 minutes to get from Northwest Reno to Southwest Reno. Let me inform you, it does not take more then 15 minutes to get ANYWHERE IN RENO!!!! Then somehow it took the dumbshit another hour to get back to work at the end of the day. I hate dumbshit employees!

Cheetoed

Cheetoed (v) [cheeeee toed] 1. The act of smearing orange Cheeto fingers all over your mother

Clarification aka Spanking part deux

Ooookay so seems like I struck some sort of emotional cord with yesterdays blog. I decided I owe you all some sort of explanation for ya'll. Let me start off by telling you all that I have serious issues with this for no apparent reason. You know those religious people who go chasing after you at super markets asking if you have found God? That is me! Only instead of following you about religion I'm following you to make sure you don't spank your kid. Have you ever been somewhere public and you see some kid start screeming and all the sudden the parent drags them outside? Okay well I'm that person who goes running outside after you to make sure you don't start beating your kid. NO! It is none of my business but I really don't give a shit. I realize that parents spank but for some reason I'm just always terrified some parent is going to whip of their belt and go to town on their child. You bet your ass if I ever see or hear you did this I'm going to be on the phone with child services, the police and the president before you can even fasten your belt back on.

I might be a little extra sensitive this month about it since I recently found out that an ex friend of my husband decided to beat his son with a belt 20 + times because he ran around at nap time. This kid won't sleep and is now terrified of everyone and he is only about 4 years old. The part that worries me the most is that this guy had never even laid a hand on the boy and one day just snapped. I want to crawl in a little hole and bawl my eyes out thinking of that little one right now.

You see for the 3 years I actually went to school, (okay like 2.5 if you count the time I really showed up) I studied everything to do with kids. I was going to go into social work or MFT with a minor in special ed or something. No matter what all I know is I wanted to save kids.

My uncle has somewhere like 8 kids (really I stopped counting around 6ish) and for at least two years out of each kids life they have lived with me and my mom. Some of the living conditions these kids went through were awful. I'm talking living with a mom who hadn't done dishes in so long there was maggots in their sink. We called social services so many times and never was anything done about it because there was bologna and bread in the house and the kids were still alive.

After seeing what the world allows kids to live through I guess I wanted to go on some sort of mission to save all children. You see when Brandon was born I was very clear to my husband that if he ever spanked our kid that would be grounds for a divorce. No questions asked I would be out. Soooo being the clever little shit he is he asked me if smacking his hand was also divorce worthy. I pondered and pondered and thought that I still could not do that to my son. In my own twisted mind I consider that child abuse. Then I tried to imagine seeing my husband smack his hand and I almost killed him on the spot just from imagining it. So my husband got stuck with time out. That is as far as I will let him go and I have to be perfectly honest I don't even like that. In fact I"m pretty sure that I think letting a child cry might be child abuse.

Yeah go ahead I can hear the snickers from over here. I know what you are saying. I've heard it before.

HER KID IS GOING TO WALK ALL OVER HER!!!! SNICKER SNICKER SNARKY SNARKY

You know what my response to that is? SOOOOOOOOOO WHAT!!!!

I didn't receive very many punishments my whole life. And for the most part I turned out just fine. You know so many parents say "well I was spanked as a child and I understood not to screw up again" Yes but you never know if your mom hadn't spanked you, if she had just taken you aside and explained what you did wrong if you wouldn't have learned just as well? HMMM

I have this friend Alli who doesn't ever spank. She has what I consider to be two of the most well behaved kids on the planet. I also for the most part think she is a parenting genius. If we are somewhere and her son does something wrong she pulls him aside and explains what he did wrong. She will say something like, you can't run around like this because there are a lot of people here and we don't know them and it is rude for you to interrupt their day but if you want to run around if you can just be good for an hour then I promise when we get to where we are going I will let you run around extra hard for being so good. And sure as shit it works like a charm. Instead of using all kinds of awful punishments or weird ideas for getting her daughter to stop doing something she has started saying if you do it again you have to eat a peppermint candy. Emma hates peppermint so by doing that Alli is allowing her to make the decision on her own and should Emma choose to mess up again at least she isn't getting hurt. Also when her kids wouldn't nap Alli put a child lock on their door from their side one time. She put em in and said take a nap. They were so upset with the lock that from now on when she says take a nap they will go in there and do it on their own rather then having the choice taken away from them.

I guess seeing her raise two amazing kids with out laying a hand on them made me see that there really is no need for spanking. So you see Emery I know that Ezzie Probably really wasn't affected at all by the tap on the ass. In all honesty he probably forgot about it 24.3 seconds later. And of course he's your kid so its totally not my space to tell you how to parent, sometimes I just like to dribble off my way and make it the highway you know. But seriously if I had been there, I'm pretty sure you would have gotten the death stare, if I didn't start bawling first and grab Ezzie and run away with him.

And Kim, its sounds to me like you have already made your decision about spanking. Don't let the fact that your child is older let you think it is now okay to spank them. Instead try thinking that since he is older he will be able to understand you better when you discuss with him in a big boy way why he was doing something wrong, and then give him the power to make an adult decision about it. Sometimes you can give kids the power to make adult decisions and that makes them feel grown up and makes them want to behave well.

Sometimes I think that when you spank a kid it takes the power away from them rather then informing them and then letting them have the power. You know when you go to work now and you make a mistake your boss comes in and tells you why you made a mistake and how to fix it. Imagine how we would feel if the boss just fired us on the spot. We then lose the power to make a better more informed decision.

Right now I'm watching Brandon jump up and down and dance to the I like to move it song on Madagascar and I'm asking myself how on earth could anyone want to spank him. So when I get mad at him I try and remember moments like this so I don't do something I might regret later. When your so mad at your kid you feel like hitting them maybe just stop and think of why you are so mad. Are you mad because everything else around you is hectic (i.e. being in an airport, because I know any trip to an air port is enough for me to want to beat up everyone I come in contact with) and other things are going wrong and at that moment spanking your kid seems like the only way you can get out your frustrations? Because I bet if you stop and think about it, and ask yourself, am I really mad or do I really seriously want to hit my kid right now. I bet you would realize you don't actually want to implement the spanking. Thats just my theory. I guess I just know that any time I've ever been mad enough to raise my voice at Brandon, I've stopped and looked around me and realized, I just had a bad day at work, and there are toys every where and my husband was being a butt head and I realize that what ever Brandon did wouldn't even seem all that bad on any other normal good day. So I guess I just need to take my own advice and learn to separate my own frustrations with my bad day from my son. Hopefully by doing this I can be a better mom.

Also put yourself in your kids shoes. (Sorry Em I'm totally going to use you as an example feel free to publicly flog me for being such an ass today) Ever single time I went to an airport as a kid two things happened, I felt super grown up annnnd I thought HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS SPACE I MUST RUN AROUND IN IT NOW. Taking me to an airport was like asking me to run around like a nutso. Also the airport to him probably seemed no different then when you take him to the mall in the morning and let him run around there. Sometimes I think its hard for kids to separate right and wrong places for that kind of stuff. So maybe next time you are on your way to the airport you should talk to Ezzie right before you go in and explain that this place is not like the mall or the park and he has to behave like a super big boy and then when you get off the plain you will take him to Momars and he can totally run around like crazy. Annnd for every 10 minutes he is good then he can have an extra ten minutes to run around at Momars. This is just my way of thinking. Again it might not be right for you but I thought I would throw it out there anyway. Again sorry for using you and the bug as an example but you two are just whats on my mind right now. No matter what I still think you are a wonderful, great, amazing person and I still look up to you!

Okay I'm rambling again. I just wanted to clear some stuff up. Basically for me I'm just a huge giant softy and can't imagine my son feeling any kind of hurt. So yeah I'm probably screwed in the future, but you know I can't help thinking that no matter what happens my son will still grow up to be sorta normal with or with out a spanking.

Singled out

Am I the last mom on the planet who does not believe in spanking? I don't understand it. I'm almost afraid to write this blog because I realize no one will really comment on it. I mean what are they going to do post comments on why they think its okay to hit a helpless child? For the most part I feel like I'm being a good mom by making the decision not to spank Brandon, but at the same time I'm feeling like I've alienated myself from the vast majority of the mommy population.

I generally try and be humorous when I write. I'm just not sure how to be humorous about this. I guess the trigger point that brought this on was when I was reading a fellow mom blog and they mentioned spanking. I was thrown off balance for a second. I read the sentence and then I reread it and read it again. I was so shocked that this person I had looked up at for so long had this dirty little secret. All the sudden I felt myself hurting for their child. I have a problem with that. I hurt when I hear about children being hurt. I'm sure this person meant no harm in writing that they spank their child. And of course it is really none of my business and maybe their kid will grow up being far more disciplined then mine but at what cost.

I was spanked two times in my entire life. The first time I was so young that I actually don't have a single other memory from that age, except! the one time my mom spanked me. I remember her spanking me and putting me in her room. I also remember thinking that she must not love me if she had done that. I was so upset that I started destroying everything in her room. She came in and spanked me again. So again I destroyed everything and got very upset. My mom never spanked me again. From memory and knowing what houses I was living in I know that I had to have been no older then three years old.

However, my mom yelled a lot. For me each time she screamed at me it was like a verbal slap in the face. It made me feel like a helpless child. I am still to this day terrified that she will yell at me and I think that no child should feel that way with a parent. I am afraid to go to my mom with problems or when I've made a mistake because I feel like she will yell at me. For me I think spanking a child will create the same fears in them. I don't want Brandon being afraid to come to me. That is why I make such a big effort not to raise my voice at him. But! when I do I have started to pray that someday he will forgive me for losing my temper. I can't imagine the size of prayer you would have to say to receive forgiveness from your child for hitting them.

My husbands dad hit him when he was little. He says it made him disciplined. But I live with him. My husband is closed off and afraid to speak his feelings. He is still afraid of his dad when we visit and he still treats his dad the way a 12 year old does. He is not treated as an equal and I hate it. I never want my son to grow up and bring his child to visit and then cower in front of Rob or be afraid to tell him that he has a tattoo when he is 27 years old or that he bought a new car when he was 26.

Kids should always feel like they are welcome to come and tell you anything with out reprecautions so bad you feel worse then you did or you become afraid to speak your mind.

So tell me moms, am I the last mom out their who cherishes their little innocent soul? Who looks at my 17th month old and still sees the innocent child he was the day he was born. Am I the only mom who understands that if you won't hit your spouse why on earth would you hit your kid?

That is my new challenge for all you spanking families out there. Next time your wife upsets you and behaves badly I think you should smack her. NO! Why not? Why is it okay to punish your child but not your spouse? I once had a guy tell me that his wife was grown and knew right from wrong and that is why he didn't hit her. Okay so if your wife makes a mistake or she burns dinner or she breaks a dish or spills milk on the floor then obviously she doesn't know right from wrong so you should hit her. And ladies when your husband wrecks the car, or gets in trouble at work for having attitude or he forgets to do something you told him, or his friends come over and he gets a little to drunk and a little too loud and is running around enjoying himself, you should hit him because, after all, didn't you just spank your kid last night because they were having a little to much fun running around being loud? Think about it. If you wouldn't hit your grown spouse why are you going to hit your innocent little child who doesn't even know what they have done wrong? Think about it next time you get knots in your stomach because you see your neighbor spank their dog. Are you telling me you value a dogs life more then your own child. Think about it when you realize that some day your kid is going to go to school and hit someone out of anger because you taught them that. And what will you do? Teach them hitting is bad by spanking them. Seems like all you moms have a lot of thinking to do. But most of all imagine how your child feels the moment your hand comes down on their ass. Imaging that all they are thinking is the same thing I thought, "How is it possible this person who claims to love me so much is hurting me right now, I thought you didn't hurt people you love."

I'm not sorry if this blog pisses anyone off. I'm only sorry for your kids. If I lose readers because I wrote this. Oh well.