Try not to anger the beast

I'm not sure if you all know that I am 8 months pregnant. This means that I can be a bit moody less angelic. I also have acid reflux. So last night when I woke up coughing from the acid in my throat and promptly ran to the bathroom to start vomiting streams of stomach acid I was a little pissed. This started at 10pm last night and continued until 3am. It kept going and going and going. Each time the acid would bubble up it would make me cough. The coughing would make me pee and while peeing I would have to throw up acid in the trash. This meant instead of my usual 3-6 pees a night it increased to about 11-17 last night. This wasn't the problem. The problem was when I realized I was out of the toilet paper. Normally this is fine. Normally I reach into the little basket next to the toilet and grab out a fresh roll. BUT NO! My lazy asshole clueless husband forgot to refill the basket. THIS IS HIS JOB! That means I had to go out of my little toilet room and into the main bathroom, under his sink to get the damn toilet paper. Oooooh I was pissed off. Why why why WHY could he not fill up the fucking basket?

However, this was not as bad as what the fucker did this morning. Since I wake up a little later then him in the morning he always gets ready in the other bathroom. This means he takes his morning pooh there also. So that means that when I went in there later today to pee and there was two sheets of toilet paper left I was mad to say the least. However, what escalated my anger was when I realized the spare rolls were under the sink. Usually one of us pulls out a spare one when we are close to the end. But nooooo not this morning. So this means my fat, pregnant, wet ass is now sitting on the toilet trying to maneuver my huge ass belly over the cabinet door and into the cabinet to get toilet paper all with out dripping pee on the floor. To say that I wanted to fuck him up is an understatement.

So I have to ask. Wouldn't the proper etiquette in this situation be for my oldest child husband to think of his poor, fat, pregnant wife and put some fucking toilet paper out for her knowing she pees 4000 times a day.

FUCKER!

My super secret super power

I finally figured out how to participate in the writing challenges from the Super secret group.

This week they want to know if I had a super power what would it be?

I find this so difficult to answer. I mean a few things pop right into my head. I could change poop with out ever looking at it, or blink and my house would be dusted, or I could magically fold all of my clothes with the flick of my wrist. But to be honest, none of those sound like the things I really wish I could have in life. I think my super power would have something to do with my husband. I think that more than anything in the world I would love to know what he is really thinking. Not things like if he is thinking about other women or something, but more like is he really happy.

• I would love to make him a dinner and be able to look at him and have him flash green for that meal kicked ass, or yellow for, babe that was not enough pepper, or red for, woman what in the hell were you thinking feeding me this disaster.
  
• I would love to look at him and know if he's thinking, wow my wife is hot right now. Or if he is thinking for the love of God woman stop wearing capris you look like a pirate.
• I would love to know when he is hurting or happy or sad. I'm currently pregnant and more then anything I would love to be able to look at him and have him sparkle with glitter and announce I'm overjoyed to be having another baby. Or maybe just shine a dull gray telling me that he really has no feelings on this. Maybe he could turn red and tell me he is terrified of having a second kid because he is afraid of loving another person that much.
• I would love it if I knew how he really felt about our decisions. Like oooh see the new floors, I looove them, or yeah I know I said you could paint any color, but RED, really dear did you have to pick red?

I guess my super power would just be to really truly be able to read my husband so I could make him as happy as possible. But I'm guessing that he would wish for the same thing, and really, how could he read me if half the time even I can't read myself?

Walmart 2 Shannon and lisa 0

Some of you may remember this post. The one where the Walmart parking lot make complete assholes out of my cousin and I. If not, go read it real quick. I'll wait. I'll wait while you change your pants too because you just pissed yourself laughing at us.

Two weeks ago Walmart got us again. Actually technically it was Sams Club. But since that is Walmart and it is attached to it, I'm counting it as fricking Walmart.

So we go shopping for the food for my baby shower. Every single item I bought was either frozen or refrigerated. I was dead tired and just ready to go home. Lisa had drove us there since I didn't have Brandon we only needed one car seat for her daughter and could share a car. We walked out and she so graciously loaded the car for me but kept out her husbands lunch and some nasty lamb chop thingies we had to buy for his friend at work, so we could drop it all off when we were done. I went to get in the car when I suddenly hear, "uh oh, now we're in really big trouble." I looked around wondering who or what could have caused her to say that. That is when I noticed her staring at her closed trunk and that is when I realized her keys were in her closed trunk and that little beepy noise I just heard was her trunk closing.

Uhhh now what?

So I say lets run by your hubbies work and get the spare. NOPE. He doesn't carry one. Okay well what about a house key. SURE! Only, how are we going to get there? Crap, we have a toddler with us, who needs a car seat so we can't just have anyone come get us. We think for a minute and decide my husband will come. No that won't work because he has Brandon and that would use up our car seat. Okay fine then, we will have Rob drop Brandon off to my mom at work, then come get us then take us to Lisa's husbands work then take us home to get my car. Then we will go to her house and get the keys and then we will drive to her car, then I'll take my car and pick up Brandon. NO! To much work. So I call my mom to see if she can just come get us because she has a car seat. DUH. So we stand there waiting for my mom who comes to get us. We drop her back off at work, drive to Lisa's husbands work to get the house key and give him his warm lunch. Get the house key, drive ALL THE WAY ACROSS TOWN to get into her house and get the key and drive all the way back to Sam's Club. She gets in and follows me to my moms work. Her daughter is now asleep in the car I'm in. We then have to get her out, get her in Lisa's car, get me in her car and drive back to my house to hurry up and put all my frozen/defrosted and cold/warm food in the fridge and freezer.

Fucking Walmart!

Doctors doctors doctors

I had my follow up with the perinatologist today. Do you know what he said???

WELL GEE IT LOOKS AS THOUGH NOTHING WAS EVER WRONG IN HERE YOU HAVE HEALED SO WELL.

We'll I'll be damned.

When he put the ultrasound thingy on my belly Codi started wiggling and moving right away. Then the doctor could see him breathing (or whatever babies practice in there) and hiccuping. He said he had plenty of fluid around him and looked super. He listened to the placenta and said it sounded super good. Then he said that when there is a problem with the placenta the baby doesn't get enough oxygen and that is when there is a problem. Right as he did that Codi put up his hand and wiggled all of his fingers back and forth a whole bunch. The doctor stopped and was like oh well that right there tells me everything is okay because a baby with lack of oxygen wouldn't be able to function that well. Then Codi shifted and kicked his little legs a bunch and it was awesome. I never have to go back to that doctor and only have to see my normal OB now!!!!


YAY for Codi!

Drip drop drip drop (aka tmi)

I'm wondering how many holes one person can leak out of at any given time...Here is a look at my weekend.

• I'm leaking from down there, you know the joys of pregnancy. Every time it happens I think I'm either bleeding again or peeing on myself. Really really fun people.
• I'm leaking out of my nose. I went to bed last night with a tissue shoved so far up my nose I think some of it is still there this morning.
• I drool. So this means in addition to my nose tissue I went to bed with a tissue tucked under my mouth to catch the insane amounts of drool that leak from my mouth. This amount triples while I'm pregnant. Thanks for that one God.
• I'm leaking out my boobs. This isn't happening near as often as it did with Brandon (which is just stressing me right out) but that could be because I've had far less sex dreams this time around, and far more, what the fuck was that dream about.

So lets recap. I'm now leaking out of basically every hole in my body but my ears and my ass. And really, if I start leaking out of my ass, well, I think that might just be the end for me. Just lock me in a closet and leave me there till the baby comes. I'm damn sexy here ladies!

SMART ASS

Me: Brandon get out of the closet so we can change your poopy diaper
Brandon: No I playiing
Me: Brandon come on now
Brandon: No I playing

five minutes passes

Me: Brandon you come out right now
Brandon: Ooootay
Me: Brandon come on
Brandon: Walks over, shuts closet door and goes back to playing
Me: Brandon come out
Brandon: Nothing
Me: One.....two... (fyi nothing really happens when I get to three besides me actually going into the closet and grabbing him)
Brandon: Three four fibe six seben eight
Me: Very funny Brandon now come on
Brandon: No I count now
Me: SMART ASS!

Pumpkin patch

We took Brandon to the pumpkin patch this morning. He had a great time. Oddly enough there were barely any pumpkins but oh well.

Uggg mom can we go see the horses now or what?

Really mom can we go now or what???

Yesss finally the pony!

Giddyup!

Dad, I love you and all but come on I want to play.

Can I drive please mommy?

Brandon, where are the trucks?

That way!

Yellwhoah truck

K I'm bored

Really, more with the posing

Family picture

Mom is excited about her belly, I'm excited about the giant dragon blow up castle

I had the most fun on the slide. I made mom go down, her butt didn't fit in there very good though. I tried to go in the bounce house but the big kids wouldn't let me jump so I climbed back out!

A survey I will never be able to participate in

I'm just wondering.

Do girls pull giant huge black boogers out of their nose, then walk over to their moms and announce take it? And if you don't take it, do girls simply wipe it on their moms pants and walk off? And if they can't get it all the way out of their nose, do girls wipe their whole face on their moms pants, shirt, arm, legs?

I was just wondering?

I'm always in trouble.

Britt was mentioning how she had a few mishaps lately in her house. While I have also had a few mishaps, more like my son has had a few, i.e. snapping the brand new baby mobile in half (which is now crazy glued and electric taped together), the thing I get in the most trouble for is my push pin habit. There are tons of things in my house hung by nothing but a push pin and this makes my husband furious.

1. Picture frames. Almost every picture frame that I hung is hung with a push pin.
2. Everything in my sons room, i.e. coat hooks, pictures, glowy lights, and his letter B.
3. My calender
4. My key hook
5. And now, everything in Codi's room. That is what I got in trouble for today. I hung Codi's letter C with two push pins and I think Rob is going to kill me. I think he is going to kill me extra since he asked me to fix it with nails and I said okay I will, maybe possibly.
   

In other news my son is walking around calling out Shannon, Shannon, Shannnnnnon as though I'm a lost doggy. He is doing this because he called out mommy and I didn't answer fast enough because I was in the potty.

Inside of Codi's closet

I call this his old man track suit outfit

Left side of his closet

His bathrobe collection

Right side of his closet

Sleepers and footie jammies

Outfits

Onsies

Diaper supply from shower

Even more diapers!