Just to be a jerk

For some reason people think that since I'm so far along in this pregnancy they need to ask me;

"How are you feeling?"

This question totally annoys me. So my answer!

"FAT!"

Thanks for asking! They never quite no what to say to that!

Something that will freak you the fuck out for a second when you are a mom

Changing your sons diaper after he's eaten a poppy seed muffin...Yeah bout lost my shit until I remembered he ate the muffin! Thought he was pooping out tiny bugs or something!

WHY SOME DAYS I WANT TO SHIP MY SON OFF TO LIVE AT THE FUCKING ZOO

NOW PLEASE EXCUSE ME WHILE I HAVE A SMALL MELTDOWN!

The top 5 things I am not looking forward to about my C- Section

1. That bitch nurse bicking my girl parts with a dry fucking disposable razor (skank slut whore). She will do this even if I bick it myself.
2. The skank whore who will try 5 times to insert an IV into my arms and then tape it down in a manner that scrunches the needle so far in my arm making the IV become the most painful part of the day.
3. The catheter. I don't like catheters! Last time I convinced the lady not to catheter me until after my epidural and my doctor about killed that lady.
4. That shot of acid reflux medicine they give you. It taste like whiskey and nyquil mixed together.
5. When the lady has to come in and change my towel before I'm allowed to get up and potty myself. (I think this happens even when you don't have a section).

Don't get me wrong. I looove having sections. It's just the above five things that I could do with out!

Things currently on my nerves

• Why oh why oh why can't my husband clean out the damn lint trap in the dryer? For some reason I can not handle lint in my dryer trap!
• I am supposed to be eating healthy but people keep buying me lunch at work. And really when you are going to free lunch at somewhere good you can't order a fucking salad. NO you order fries and fried stuff and RANCH!
• People who hit the fucking snooze button. Three goddamn times my husbands alarm went off this morning. Mother fucker!
• When you fall asleep at 4:40am. But you fall into the best most relaxing sleep ever and then at 4:50 your son wakes up and starts jumping in your bed yelling TEE YEE (TV)
• When your son picks all the damn blueberries out of his cake (muffin) and flicks them into your couch
• When your sons milk cup only leaks when it is on the couch or the carpet...never on the hardwood floors! You know the floors that wipe!
  
• That I dumped out half a can of Old Bay on my floors and am just to pissed to vacuum the shit up!

Things that aren't on my nerves right now

• I made on hell of a rocking kiss ass mutherfucker dinner for my husband last night. Seriously if food is love then I love the shit out of that man, not many women would make their husbands so much food fried in bacon fat.
  
• I get free lunch today at a good restaurant that I choose because I called my supplier at work and say, hey baby you need to come take me to lunch once more before I go on maternity leave. And he lovingly obliged.
• I'm still pregnant so I still have an excuse to dunk everything I eat in ranch
• This kid is still healthy because the little fucker is still kicking the shit out of me. I would really like one bruise on the outside of my belly so I could have some sort of battle wound to prove how bad this kid is kicking my ass!
• I did laundry so my two pairs of maternity jeans are actually clean! Oh yeah I'm gonna be sexay when I go to lunch today.
• I now have less then a month till Codi is born.