Day Two

Jen will be posting on Saturday November 17th. So Jen you will have access to my blog that day to write anything you want. Don't forget because you have to keep up with my NaBloPoMo. You can write anything you want. Here is Jen's story.

Ok, so during the period of time before Erick and I got together- but after the whole Burning Man/Keturah ORDEAL I was TRYING to get over Erick- so I went out drinking with the girls. We went to a bar sorta-kinda near my house (Probably 12-15 blocks away) where we knew the bartender and he gave us really REALLY cheap drinks. LOVE!

OMg was so drunk it's hard to remember exactly how this happened. Anywhoo- somehow I struck up a conversation with this REALLY cute guy. We got to talking. Turns out he was an artist. A painter to be exact. We talked about poetry and writing and all kinds of stuff. He said that he had gone to medical school for alternative medicine and knew all kinds of cool stuff. Or at least stuff that sounded cool after 6 whiskey and gingers.

Soo my sister and the girls are drunk and ready to leave and they're like "Come on Jen! Let's go!" and I'm like "Nah- that's ok. I'm going to stay and hang out with Cute Boy." My sister immediately gave me a look and was like "I should NOT be leaving you alone with some guy you don't know. Come home with us NOW." And I was like "NOOOO It's OK! I will totally call you if I need you!" Jill is pissed and doesn't think it's a good idea, thinks the guy is creepy... whatever. She leaves with the girls and I stay with cute boy.

Cute boy and I get reeeeeeeeeally wasted. I think I paid my tab. We then proceeded to walk the 15 blocks back to my apartment. However, on the way there we decided to stop and have sex no less than like 15 times. We did it in the bark in front of an elementary school, we did it on someone's driveway, we did it in the bushes, we did it on the hood of someone's car, on my front step, etc, etc, etc....

So. We finally get back to my apartment and the guy is acting all weird. Like after all that sex he still wasn't satisfied and was like getting kinda rough with me. It got to the point where I slapped him across the face- HARD! He was totally shocked, but it didn't make him leave. After a bunch more struggling he ended up passing out on my futon and I stayed up and watched a movie and smoked cigarettes because there was NO WAY I was going to sleep with that guy in my apartment.

Then, a couple hours later the guy totally ROLLS OFF THE FUTON and hits the ground HARD! Then he gets up, walks into my kitchen where I have a spare TV sitting in the corner, and he takes like the HUGEST PEE EVER! RIGHT ON MY TV! IN MY KITCHEN! IT was the most enormous amount of pee I had ever seen!!

I ran in and was like "OMG DID YOU JUST PEE ON MY TV?!"

The guy looks at me and is like "What?!" He totally didn't get what was going on. I was like "OMG GET THE FUCCCCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!" He fought me. I kicked him out. Screamed at him. He stood on the front step banging on the door for a while and finally left. I was all freaked out and decided to call my friend Cody to come over and make sure he was gone... but I couldn't find my phone anywhere!! THE A-HOLE HAD STOLEN MY PHONE!!! I didn't have a house phone...I was PISSSSED but eventually went to bed.

I woke up the next morning and the dude had left my cell phone in my mail slot. He then proceeded to call me like 45X a day for the next month apologizing over and over and over again but I never answered. It took TWO ENTIRE ROLLS of paper towels to clean up all his pee!!

I still see him around out and about and I refuse to even look in his direction. Erick thinks this whole story is hilarious.

Let's not get crazy here, my son isn't all cute and belicious

First of all yesterday was my 800th post. Hmmm thats a lot of typing huh.

Anyway yesterday after posting about my sons sweet little pretend cooking phase the rest of the day pretty much took a turn for the worse. Brandon was being a total shit. In fact he was being such a shit head that I told him no less then three times yesterday, "you are being such a shit head." Yeah wanna guess what kind of looks I received from my uber conservative mommy friend when I said that? We went to lunch and he wanted to crawl on the floor or throw napkins. We went to Target and he was hell bent on grabbing every goddamn piece of clothing off the rack, ripping it off the hanger and tossing it on the floor. I should mention I was at Target with a friend who works at Target so she was less then impressed with this. Plus she had to pick most of it up since me and the giant pregnant belly have a hard time bending over with out my extremely expanded ass crack sticking out, while holding my back and groaning owwwwwwwww as I try and stand back up. Yeah I'm sexy. He didn't care about time out, he wanted to hit and throw and jump and fly and just all around get on my nerves. By the end of the day I was so far at my wits end I wouldn't even let him have the piece of candy he discovered in his Halloween bucket.

Earlier that morning he was on the toilet going poop. He would poop a little then turn around and flush and quickly look in the toilet to watch the poop go down. Then he would poop some more and so on and so forth. He found this hilarious. He found it so hilarious he kept flushing the toilet while I was on it peeing. This was all fine until he did it while I was at Smiths. The next thing I know WOOOOOOSH and my ass is covered in water. I mean totally soaked. Yeah seems like those commercial toilets are super duper duper powerful. So side note to you, if you were walking behind that big fat pregnant girl at Smiths yesterday NO I DIDN'T PISS MYSELF I just had my ass soaked by my son who thinks toilet flushing is funny.

However my son totally made up for his shitheadedness that night when he exclaimed that he had to pee and my husband grabbed him to help run him to the potty and Brandon instead peed all over my husband. It was the most glorious moment of the whole day watching my husband come shrieking from the bathroom that Brandon just peed on him. I was trying to stifle a laugh so I didn't respond so he ran by again shrieking louder in case I didn't hear that Brandon just peed on him. I busted out laughing and just said, well next time he has to pee you should help him get there a little faster huh. Ahhh that made the whole day totally worth it for me!