Really trying to teach him

This is what a baby brother looks like. Please don't mush him to bad mmmkay!

Running on auto pilot

Do you ever have days where it seems you've lost control of your body? Where it feels as though you are just running on auto and have no clue how or what is happening? I'm having one of those days now.

I just left work to get lunch. I guess my body was telling me I needed to eat. I decided I would go to Starbucks for a mango tea and a veggie platter. The veggie platter comes with sugar snap peas, cucumbers, tomatoes, carrots and celery. It comes with a very small portion of pesto dipping sauce and is tasty lunch. I got to Starbucks and no such luck. They were out. Next thing I knew I was in my car driving to another Starbucks. Again no luck, the next thing I knew my auto pilot kicked in. I found myself next door at Port of Subs ordering a MEDIUM (I haven't been able to eat a medium since high school) extra mayo double cheese sandwich with all the regulars (dear sweet oil and vinegar where have you been all my life). Somehow I even grabbed a bag of chips. But auto pilot wasn't done. Nooooo it carried me next door to Ben n Jerrys where a giant Coffee Coffee Buzz Buzz Buzz milk shake appeared in my hands. The strangest part was how that pint of Peach Cobbler ice cream made it into my car. I swear some days it feels like I really have no control over my life. Thank God I got that bottle of water for good measure!

Can some one please tell me how my auto pilot got changed from rational to chunk n dunk?

A conversation with my husband yesterday on messenger

Shannon: Babe guess what I found 8 bucks in my pockets this morning when I pulled my jeans out of the dryer

Rob: Oh was it a five and three ones

Shannon: Yeah

Rob: Yeah its mine

Shannon: Yours huh

Rob: Yeah I forgot I left it in there

Shannon: You left them in my maternity jeans

Rob: uh huh when I wore them the other day

Shannon: Righhhht yeah I forgot because I made such a big dinner you needed to borrow my maternity jeans right

Rob: Yup so you can just leave my 8 bucks on the night stand

Shannon: Oh okay sure thing honey

Talk dirty to me

My husband uses cheap shampoo. He's like whatever is on sale babe. So of course I spend minutes in the shampoo isle smelling them all because he may want me to go by price but I figure hey why not find something that will make him smell scrumptious also. So this time I settled on some fancy new Herbal Essence Orange something or other. Anyway like I said I use fancier shampoo. Currently I use the Philosophy something something and I love it. (I'm on a roll with names today huh?) Well once in a while I'll use a little of Robs for a day just to switch it up and shock my hair or whatever. (Shut up it totally makes sense to me!) Today I grabbed his Herbal Essence and since I have to read every damn thing while I'm in the shower (seriously I could probably still recite the label to my old Aveeno body wash) I read it.

He he it says

I'm so good I'll make your head think clean thoughts.

Now what I'm really wondering...How on earth did my shampoo know I was thinking dirty thoughts to begin with?

OLD MACDONALD

BRANDON WHAT DOES THE KITTY SAY? NOW

BRANDON WHAT DOES THE DOG SAY? WOO WOO

BRANDON WHAT DOES THE DUCK SAY? CACK

BRANDON WHAT DOES THE COW SAY? MOOOOOOO

BRANDON WHAT DOES THE SHEEP SAY? PAAAAAAA

BRANDON WHAT DOES THE MONSTER SAY? RAAAAAARRRRRRRWWWWWW

MAMA YOU FUNNY

MAMA YOU SILLY GIRL

MAMA YOU HELP ME BANDON

I MART (SMART)

MONTER YUTTY (MONSTER YUCKY)

BYE BYE MONTER

BYE BYE PUNTIN (PUMPKIN)

BYE BYE OUTSIDE

BYE BYE LIGHT

BYE BYE TWEE (TREE)

BYE BYE ROAD

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A TODDLER IN THE CAR

Just to be a jerk

For some reason people think that since I'm so far along in this pregnancy they need to ask me;

"How are you feeling?"

This question totally annoys me. So my answer!

"FAT!"

Thanks for asking! They never quite no what to say to that!

Something that will freak you the fuck out for a second when you are a mom

Changing your sons diaper after he's eaten a poppy seed muffin...Yeah bout lost my shit until I remembered he ate the muffin! Thought he was pooping out tiny bugs or something!

WHY SOME DAYS I WANT TO SHIP MY SON OFF TO LIVE AT THE FUCKING ZOO

NOW PLEASE EXCUSE ME WHILE I HAVE A SMALL MELTDOWN!

The top 5 things I am not looking forward to about my C- Section

1. That bitch nurse bicking my girl parts with a dry fucking disposable razor (skank slut whore). She will do this even if I bick it myself.
2. The skank whore who will try 5 times to insert an IV into my arms and then tape it down in a manner that scrunches the needle so far in my arm making the IV become the most painful part of the day.
3. The catheter. I don't like catheters! Last time I convinced the lady not to catheter me until after my epidural and my doctor about killed that lady.
4. That shot of acid reflux medicine they give you. It taste like whiskey and nyquil mixed together.
5. When the lady has to come in and change my towel before I'm allowed to get up and potty myself. (I think this happens even when you don't have a section).

Don't get me wrong. I looove having sections. It's just the above five things that I could do with out!

Things currently on my nerves

• Why oh why oh why can't my husband clean out the damn lint trap in the dryer? For some reason I can not handle lint in my dryer trap!
• I am supposed to be eating healthy but people keep buying me lunch at work. And really when you are going to free lunch at somewhere good you can't order a fucking salad. NO you order fries and fried stuff and RANCH!
• People who hit the fucking snooze button. Three goddamn times my husbands alarm went off this morning. Mother fucker!
• When you fall asleep at 4:40am. But you fall into the best most relaxing sleep ever and then at 4:50 your son wakes up and starts jumping in your bed yelling TEE YEE (TV)
• When your son picks all the damn blueberries out of his cake (muffin) and flicks them into your couch
• When your sons milk cup only leaks when it is on the couch or the carpet...never on the hardwood floors! You know the floors that wipe!
  
• That I dumped out half a can of Old Bay on my floors and am just to pissed to vacuum the shit up!

Things that aren't on my nerves right now

• I made on hell of a rocking kiss ass mutherfucker dinner for my husband last night. Seriously if food is love then I love the shit out of that man, not many women would make their husbands so much food fried in bacon fat.
  
• I get free lunch today at a good restaurant that I choose because I called my supplier at work and say, hey baby you need to come take me to lunch once more before I go on maternity leave. And he lovingly obliged.
• I'm still pregnant so I still have an excuse to dunk everything I eat in ranch
• This kid is still healthy because the little fucker is still kicking the shit out of me. I would really like one bruise on the outside of my belly so I could have some sort of battle wound to prove how bad this kid is kicking my ass!
• I did laundry so my two pairs of maternity jeans are actually clean! Oh yeah I'm gonna be sexay when I go to lunch today.
• I now have less then a month till Codi is born.