We women are so feeble and stupid

Ginger wrote a blog recently about wanting to call one of her booty calls. Scott, a 40 something man, left this comment on her page.

The "friend with benefits" really exists? And you didn't fall in love with each other? Wow. I'm jealous. And now I'm off to go hunt for a unicorn. ;-)

I had to laugh. How amusing that he really thinks this way of women. Obviously Scott doesn't understand that us women aren't the love sick puppies we all seem to be. Jen posted recently about how she thought of guys as a challenge. That she wanted to date the undateable and make em fall in love. I had a similar challenge. I wanted to get the ungettable guys or the guys that everyone lusted after, have my way with em and then move on. The greatest most obvious example of this is Kylen. I know that Stephanie wants to make it seem like he's no longer attractive or she doesn't see it, but whatever, its like trying so say Brad Pitt isn't hot anymore because he had kids. Sure. Kylen was a senior when I was a freshman. He was voted most irresistible in his class and let me tell you that says a lot because his senior class, HOOOOT! All the girls wanted him, and they were all stupid enough to think they were going to be the one to tie him down. The one to make him be faithful. Stupid silly little girls. There are some men out there who are just un-tamable. They aren't meant for one woman. And, the same way there are men like that, there are women like that too. I was one of those. Sure you could think you had me in a relationship but I was usually screwing Kylen on the side plus a few other hotties. You see, for me Kylen wasn't a challenge. He wanted me from the moment I made my self known to him. He pursued hard too. He called me at home, he came to my house, he came to my school on my lunch breaks after had graduated. Suddenly the unattainable wanted me. He used to page me with his special code followed by 911. If I didn't answer the 911 got longer. It was amusing to me. I kept him around for a long time, all the while he would watch me have these other relationships. He would tell me he loved me, show up late at night, call me crying and so on. This continued on for almost 7 years, 4 of those years I wasn't even sleeping with him anymore because I was bored with it. He knew that but would still call me for comfort, a friend or whatever. I never loved him, I never tried to get him in a relationship, and I never wanted more. I liked knowing, that if it was the middle of the day and I was bored in English class I could head over to Kylens get a piece grab some food and be back at school in time to meet my boyfriend for our next class.

There are so many guys I could mention, guys that would make girls who went to school with me swoon. Guys who I had wrapped around my finger and no one ever knew. I was good that way. I could walk right past him and ignore his ass at school all the while knowing he was gonna be calling me that night hoping I would meet up with em. I could mention the guys who had girlfriends, the guys who everyone wanted, the guys who even my friends didn't know about. The guys that were just a fleeting moment in my life, who were there just long enough for me to say, yeah I got that and you didn't sorry sweety. I won't mention them though. I won't because a lot of em had girl friends. Girlfriends who thought they were in solid relationships, and the last thing I would ever want to do is crush their pretty picture of their high school loves. Even after high school. I remember a certain sought after guy, who lets just say ended up dating the craziest wacko fuck head in our school, I still remember him approaching me while I was engaged, begging, BEGGING for me to finally settle down and give him a shot. Oooh the look on his face when I flashed my engagement ring. It was the look my son makes when I take away his milk and put him in time out. So like Ginger, I'm going to keep a few names and treasures to myself. However, its safe to say, if your reading this wondering, if I got that one guy, that really hot one, that really unatainable one, the answer is probably yes. I probably made out with him or did more, and I probably had him calling me night and day begging me for more, but I didn't have time for that I had other men to conquer!

What I find the most amusing is that guys don't seem to think women can be this way. It is as though it hurts their fragile egos finding out that they aren't as in control of us as they think. Are guys really so stupid they don't see that it is us, the girls who have the control from day one. Kylen wasn't my only booty call. I had tons. I always had someone to call when I wanted to get laid, and I also always knew, that if you wanted him and couldn't have him, I could, and the difference would be, that I could walk away like it was nothing, while you were pining over him and writing your name plus his = love. Shit love was for pansies. For me, it was the game. For every guy that thought he was playing the game with me, I was playing him twice as hard. Usually I was playing it with his best friend.

I'll never forget this guy Luke. He thought he was king shit of the players. I let him think he had me, let him think I was falling in love, and just when he thought he had won, I went to his best friends house and fucked him, and called Luke in the middle, just to let him know, this girls head wasn't to be fucked with. I've never heard such a big strong football playing studdly player man cry so hard. He called me crying for months. Begging me to work it out. Telling me how in love he was, how I was the only girl he ever wanted to be serious with. I didn't care. I was over him.

It is true not all girls are this way. It is true there are a lot of girls who think if they had sex with a guy once they were in a committed and loving relationship. But I grew up watching my mom have a good ass time after her divorce from my dad. I watched her get the hottest guys make them fall in love and then walk away after she had her fun. I learned, it was much easier to have the control in the relationship then to let some guy think he had me just because we had fucked. You see, I don't even say sex, because it wasn't. It was just mindless fucking or screwing. It was nothing more.

They didn't call me heart breaker for nothing. I've seen more guys cry then most girls have cried themselves. Sure there were guys who broke my heart, but I couldn't have been that in love with em if I was still screwing Kylen and three other guys on the side right. Even if I didn't sleep with them I made out with them. I did just enough to piss off all the girls who had tried so hard then I walked away and left em with a hard on and some ice.

So Scotty my dear, you shouldn't box all of us girls into some neat little box like that. You shouldn't assume that we can't simply have sex for a good time and walk away with no strings attached. You should realize that we have the power. There needs to be two boxes. Those girls and then the girls like me, the ones that are going to walk all over you, get what I want, and toss you aside leaving you to be the crying weeping one wishing he could just get me to love him.

I hope you find your Unicorn Scott because you obviously have no clue about women!

Cheaty Monkey this is just for you

The most important part of the story is that I was at Dairy Queen ordering a small m&m blizzard. Here is the rest of the story.

I am paying for my order and the PREGNANT girl behind the counter looks at me and says:

Girl: How far along are you?

Shannon: (BEAMS) 5 months

Girl: WOW your huge are you having twins?

Shannon: (About to cry) Ummm no I'm just umm, well this is my second one and they say you show faster, umm well uhhh

Girl: Gosh, my cousin is 9 months pregnant and she isn't even that big

Shannon: Ummm uhhh (now staring at her ice cream embarrassed for being fat and ugly and eating ice cream in public) uhhh

NOW FOR THE ICING ON THE CAKE

Girl: Well she's skinny though, thats probably why she is so small..shes much skinnier then you

Shannon: (Can't talk anymore because of the dagger in her heart) mopes away with her measly small ice cream almost in tears and doesn't even enjoy said ice cream!

FIRST EVER PRODUCT REVIEW

Hi everyone. I have been getting a lot of questions about products that I buy or receive for Brandon so I've decided that I'm going to do my very first ever product review! The first half is regarding items received at Brandon's birthday. They were all purchased at Target, however their website is being a little slut today so I can't find the products anywhere on there. However I was able to find them on Crayola's store website and I will provide the links so you can see prices and what not.

First up is the Ozzie the Octopus Faucet Cover. At first I thought it was just a faucet cover like I already had. After further inspection I discovered it came with three little color tablets. The tablets look similar to the tablets that come with Easter Egg dying kits, however they were a bit bigger. The instructions told me to put Ozzie over the faucet and turn on the water. Then you take the tablets and slip them inside of Ozzies mouth. This was very simple and in fact with some practice I bet even Brandon could do this (however I think he would use the whole jar up at once). The first one I put in appeared to be pink. Then I added a yellow and we made orange. After that I put in blue and I made half red that then morphed from purple to blue causing a really neat tie dye effect. After that I noticed the back of the box gave you a color key showing you that if you put two tablets in you could make different colors. I put in a blue and yellow and made green! Brandon thought this was a blast and had a great time with the colors. He liked that if he put his hand in the water his hand appeared to change colors. Also he liked filling his toys up with all the colors. After all the colors mixed in the bath I was pleased to see that it didn't turn brown or black but a fun shade of purple. The box said this could stain clothing but I used a yellow towel to wipe up and saw no stains at all. The bath drained completely white and clear with no color left behind. Brandon was also color free which I was very happy to discover. I got some of the dye on myself and just wiped it on a rag and it came right off. You couldn't tell that we had been playing in purple water at all. After the bath I wrapped him in a yellow towel and saw no residual color on the towel after wiping him from head to toe to see. I rate this product four and a half out of four stars. The only reason it doesn't get five is because it only came with three tablets and we used those right away. Luckily they sold a separate container of tablets and my friend was nice enough to include them. Here are a couple pics of Brandon enjoying his new toy!

First with just the red, yellow and blue...I liked how the colors stayed separate at first

Then we made green and Brandon and I realllly loved the tie dye part of the water.

These are the Color Dotz refills for Ozzie. I am glad I got these because it allowed me to experiment more with colors. They were also very reasonably priced at only $4.99 for 30 dots. They claim this makes 30 baths but come on I have to play more then one dot per bath so I assume it will probably last me about 10 baths using 3 dots per bath!

We also received these Crayola Bathtub Crayons. I was so excited for these because Brandon is really into coloring right now. I decided that he could only have one crayon per bath until I saw how they worked. The first thing I noticed and liked is that they have a click feature. This meant that I only had to click out so much of the crayon at once and he couldn't just smoosh the shit out of it in one go. We chose the blue crayon and it colored very bright and very nice and smooth. We wrote on both the wall (I do not have a painted wall I have a tile wall so I don't know how it would work on paint), the tub and Brandon himself. All three things worked great. The only down side is they are semi soft so at one point Brandon pushed too hard (more like mashed it into the tub) and the tip broke off. However I attribute this to his force and the fact that he is still new with crayons, and not to the quality of the product. After he broke the tip I clicked it up once so he couldn't break off more and it worked great. For his body the crayon simply washed off when I rubbed my hand over his belly. The rest of the bath I used the washcloth from his bath and one swipe across came perfectly clean as though it was never there. Brandon was even able to use the washcloth and clean the wall off with ease. I liked that because it taught him to clean his mess. The crayon ended up at the bottom of the tub in the water for some time while we played with other toys. I was pleased to see that at the end of the bath, the crayon didn't melt or wash away, rather stayed in one perfect piece. I rate this a five out of five and can't wait until he is old enough to use all of the colors at once.

Finally, this is the Crayola sidewalk paint that I used a few pictures back. I love this product. The product I actually got was package set from Toys R Us for about $9.99. My package came with three colors, Pink, Blue and Yellow. It came with two pieces of chalk also. It was enclosed inside of a neat paint tray with three spots for the base colors and then four spots on top to mix up your own colors. It also came with a brush and a roller. The directions tell you to shake the paint well before pouring. I didn't do that and the paint came out a little lumpy the first time. However after I read the directions and poured it out, it came out a nice consistancy. The colors were very bright and pretty. As the box says the colors get brighter as the paint dries which turned out to be exactly what happened. The roller worked great and allowed me to draw shapes and fill in large spaces at once. The brush also worked wonderful and made it easy to mix up colors. Both the brush and roller seem to be great quality. The brush has now been outside for a full two weeks and they still remain intact. In fact the brush has even spent a few nights in the pool and it still works great. I was worried that if it wasn't rinsed it would cake up and not be usable again. However since the paint is a water based paint, one dunk in the pool and the brush was working perfect. Also the bristles are all still in tact and none seem bent or misshapen. The roller is still working great and rinses out very easily. The box states that to rinse it off your side walk simply hose with water and some mild scrubbing my be necessary. As far as I saw simply spraying it with a spray head hose worked great. The parts that I didn't clean off are still there however they have greatly faded by the sun which leads me to believe they will also easily wash off even after being there for a while. As you can see Brandon and I were covered in paint. All I had to do was get myself wet and the paint practically fell off. I also got some one my bathing suite and it also washed right off and left no trace that it was ever there. Another great feature is that since this is a water based paint, if you find it drying at all in the bottle you can simply add a little water, shake and whala you have new paint. You can buy more paint for $5.99 for a set of all three colors and two more pieces of chalk. Over all I also rate this product a 5 out of 5 because it worked amazing, provided over two hours of fun (that is a long time to hold a two year olds attention) and was good quality!

This is the paint tray, you can also see how bright and vibrant the colors are. They mixed well and made a great orange and green.

There is the roller, he had a great time, as you can see it goes on pretty light, but then look below it dries super bright and pretty.

The colors fully dry.

So this was my first product review, sorry it was so dang long, I just wanted to get caught up, from now on I will do one review at a time.

BIRTHDAY MADNESS

BEFORE THE PARTY PEOPLE GOT THERE. I STARTED OUT WITH 65 BALLOONS BUT THE WIND BLEW ALMOST 40 OF THEM INTO A TREE AND THEY POPPED LIKE FIRE WORKS, ME AND MY PREGGO HORMONES HAD A SMALL BREAK DOWN. LATER BRANDON LET EVER BALLOON GO ONE BY ONE AND THOUGHT IT WAS THE GREATEST TIME EVER. EACH TABLE HAD A BUCKET WITH TOY CARS, TRUCKS, SIDE WALK CHALK, PLAY DOUGH, BALLS AND BUBBLES FOR ALL OF THE KIDS TO PLAY WITH AND TAKE HOME!

THE CAKE BEFORE THE MASS DESTRUCTION

HERE COMES THE BIRTHDAY BOY ON HIS NEW PRESENT FROM GRANDMA AND PAPA..HE DISCOVERED THE SUPER BOOST THEREFOR HAD TO WEAR A HELMET


HE WAS GOING TO FAST WE COULD BARELY CATCH HIM

HIS BEAR CAKE

THIS IS HOW WE EAT CAKE IN OUR FAMILY

AND ONE SLICE IS NEVER ENOUGH

THE PARTY WAS AT A PARK SO OF COURSE WE HAD TO HAVE A PLAY BREAK

AND A SLIDE BREAK

BRANDON SNEAKING A TASTE

SNEAKING A BIGGER TASTE

OH SHIT JUST GIVE ME SOME CAKE

PRESENTS!!!!!!!

THANK YOU FOR THE PARTY DADDY

ALL THE SUDDEN HE WAS OUT. GUESS THE PARTY WAS OVER.

PLAYING WITH ONE OF OUR NEW TOYS...CHECK OUT OUR WATER.

OOOOH TIE DYE WATER


WHATS LEFT OF THE CAKE AFTER BRANDON FED HIMSELF AND THE REST OF THE KIDS FOLLOWED SUITE AND DUG IN!

PHATSO PHOTOS WEEK 24 (JEN I'M KICKING YOUR ASS AT BELLY SHOTS!)

HINT HINT JEN POST A NEW BELLY SHOT DANG IT!

ALSO SEEMS I'VE HAD A FEW COMMENTS ON MY OUTFIT. FIRST TO CLARIFY IT IS A DRESS NOT A SHIRT. I GOT IT AT OLD NAVY, IT IS A MATERNITY DRESS, HOWEVER THEY ALSO HAD IT IN REGULAR STYLE. IT CAME IN A FEW OTHER COLORS, I THINK BLACK AND BROWN. IT IS SOOO SUPER COMFY AND I LOVE IT. I CAN'T FIND IT ONLINE BUT IT MIGHT STILL BE IN STORE. SINCE MINE WAS MATERNITY AND ON SALE AND IT WAS A LESS FAVORED COLOR I DIDN'T PAY MORE THEN $11.99 FOR IT.

Never going to understand it

I had friends whose kids did it, and I didn't understand, and now when my son does it I still don't understand.

WHY DO SOME KIDS THINK THEY HAVE TO STRIP DOWN COMPLETELY NAKED TO GET ON THE POTTY?

Shoes are acceptable though?

A little about my mom

I hesitate to write this sort of stuff but here goes. Although my mom is totally nutty bananas and we totally fight often she was a really good mom. I may have had shit for a dad, but the man my mom remarried totally made up for it. However, in the mom department, mine totally wins.

I have this memory of being about 7 or 8 and my friend was over playing. My mom called me over to her and she gave me this big hug and kiss. I was soooooo embarrassed. We sat there for a minute while she basically just rubbed my head and hugged me. Then she looked at my friend and said, "do you think her mom hugs her every day like me or are not all moms like me? I remember being so jealous of Laura at that minute that her mom wasn't like mine. In fact a vast majority of my friends moms have and never will be like mine. The odd thing is I never seemed to really notice it and understand it till now and really how many times did your mom say, "just wait till you have kids then you'll understand?" Dammit I hate when she is right.

My mom was the kind of mom who almost put her whole life on hold until I turned 18. She was there for me at the drop of a hat for 18 years, and still at 25 my mom is always no less then 5 minutes away (with the exception that she now takes a week to go to burning man, but seriously I'm the first place she stops when she comes home). My mom kisses me every day. She hugs me every day no matter how much I protest hugs (ick). I have always had the best clothes even if she was broke and putting them on lay away, I always had pretty much anything I wanted. This wasn't because my mom was spoiling me, it was because she never had this, and in her mind she was just giving me the life she always wanted. Now, I'm that kind of parent not because I didn't get it, but because thats how I was raised and I don't know how to be any different.

My mom never stopped parenting. She was never sick she was never hurt she was never anything because she had to be a parent. She would come in at night and rub my feet, or braid my hair, or just do something to be touching me and spending a few minutes with me. She loved to give me little manicures and she was at every single game I ever cheered for and at every single dance recital. Granted there were weekends she took me to grandmas (but I looooved seeing my grams and playing with my cousins) and she would have a life for a weekend, but she called me every night and was always there about 5 hours early to pick me up because she missed me so much.

A lot of people think its weird that I rarely make a decision with out consulting my mom. I ask her opinion on everything and that is what 99% of our fights are over, when she disagrees with my opinion on something! However these people don't realize that I don't know any better. Growing up with my mom we were a team. Everything I did was with her or because of her. Now, being a mom, I realize that I would love for my son to come to me for help with decisions, or questions or thoughts or just re-assurement.

Now having a son, my mom and his nanny (who was really my moms house cleaner before that end then fell so in love with Brandon she became useless at cleaning houses but a gosh darn hero in my sons eyes) and my dad are the ONLY people who watch my son. Oddly enough, my son is a good judge of character and those are the people he gravitated towards. I know that had my grandma Keefer still been alive, she would have been the only other person that my son would have clung to, and that was because she was the same mom, she was never less then 100% and she was the same grandma. It makes me so sad knowing that Brandon will never know her. The same way I have trouble explaining just how much my mom loved me, I'll never be able to explain how much my grandma loved me, and vise versa.

This is why people keep yelling at me for picking up Brandon (which I have still not been cleared to do). But people don't understand, I was raised by a woman who was always 100% and I don't know how to be different. My mom was always telling me, I was the best thing she ever did. Again, EMBARRASSED much. I just never understood, but now, NOW I get it. My son is the best thing I've ever done, and I only hope that I can be half the mom that my mom was. She never let me leave the house dirty. My hair was always combed my clothes were clean. In fact I remember a girl in my class putting on my sweater one day and marveling at the smell. I guess not all moms use Downy on their kids clothes. My mom would come to my school and clean out my desk and help me get organized. She cleaned my room and organized my closet but color, season and style. This woman did everything for me. Now, I have no intention of being the same way. However, while doing everything she also taught me how to be self sufficiant. When I moved out I cooked, I cleaned, I did laundry. I had a very organized closet, my stove was always spotless. Now, being married, I'm the same way. I rub Rob's back all the time, my stove is spotless, I drop everything for my husband and he has anything he wants. As far as parenting I've become the same way. My son, in 23 years is going to say, I had the kind of mo who loved me the most in the world. No man ever came between me and my mom even my step dad. It's been widely known, I'm number one and he's number two. For Rob and I it is the same way, our kids will always be first and then each other. For us that works. For Rob and I, being 99% of a parent, well, thats just not going to cut it. I blame my mom totally for now making me the crazy mom I am. I'm now the mom who is going to embarrass her son with hugs and kisses. I'm that mom whose going to cry when he gets hurt at soft ball games, I'm going to punch other moms who heckle him at T-ball. Yeah I'm screwed, I'm going to be that mom, the one who loved her sons the most in the world, its a hard job, but someones gotta do it huh?

Relief

I was at Brandon's birthday party this weekend (which was amazing pics to come) and my husbands ex bosses wife (there is a mouth full) showed up. She is soooooo freaking amazing! Anyway her name is Tami. Tami has ummm 4 kids. 3 are boys and one girl. I think her oldest is probably just turned about 27ish. The thing I love about talking with Tami is she will openly admit that she is closer to her sons then her daughter. She also told me that out of three of her sons, two are a little more masculine and crazy, ie big versions of Brandon and that she feels closer to them. She was the first person to ever totally get it when I said that I was meant to be a mother to boys. In fact, her daughter just had a baby and it's a girl, and she has even been telling her daughter she needs to hurry up and try for a boy.

Some of the relieving things she told me are that twenty something years later she is still her boys hero. She said that if she ever cries (she has a lot of health issues with parents and families right now) that is the only thing that breaks her kids down and makes the boys sad. Then she told me that when they turned about 15 she told them, for the next few years I'm your mom not your friend, BUT when your 22 if I'm still your friend after everything I know I've done a good job. Tami said that all three of her boys always tell her, you know what mom, you're not my friend your my best friend. I needed to hear all of this. I've been so afraid that around 6 Brandon would be done with his mom, and then he would be a teen and mom would really be icky. I was terrified I was losing my son forever after a certain point. Tami let me know, that if you parent right, and you are the best and right kind of mom that will never happen. I see so many of the same traits in me that I see when I look at her. Sure she is way nicer and waaaaaay sweeter but shit she taught kindergarten that already earns her a life time achievement award. However, I can see that we both love our sons with the same insane intense emotion. I can see that she like me, STILL looks at her son and is so overcome with emotion she wants to cry.

I was worried about all of this because so many people say to me, AFTER ABOUT 5 YOUR KIDS ARE NO LONGER CUTE THEIR JUST LITTLE ASSHOLES! I have been cherishing every second of every minute for fear that one day I was going to wake up and not want to bawl my eyes out when I look at Brandon.

I realize that 25 years later my mom still can't go a day with out kissing me and hugging me and telling me I'm her world, but I guess I always assumed my mom was just totally crazy and overly in love with me. I never realized that one day, aside from fearing that Brandon would stop loving me, I also sort of fear that one day, my son is going to think his mom is totally bat shit crazy because she won't stop kissing him and hugging him and telling him he is the best thing she ever did. However, I'd rather him think I loved him too much then not enough right?

Stolen from Pumkin Doodles

You don't actually have to take the quiz. Just read straight through, and you'll get the point.

1) Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2) Name the top five news stories five years ago.
3) Name ten presidents or leaders of the biggest countries in the world.
4) Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5) Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor or actress.
6) Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do? The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1) List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2) Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3) Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4) Think of a few people who have made you feel, appreciated and special.
5) Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
6) Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Easier? The people who make a difference in your life are not the most powerful ones, nor have the most money or awards. They are the ones that care.

This chick has lost her fucking mind

Click here to read about the looney toon!