Lets all go cliff jumping

I'm having a day! That bad kinda day. The kind of day where if someone doesn't stop me I'm going to jump off a cliff. Because, at the bottom of that cliff is chocolate, and chips, and salsa, and chocolate, and cookies, and pasta, and chocolate, and more chips, and bread, and sandwhiches, and Kit Kats, and Cheetos and crackers, and dip, and cream cheese and OOOOOO bagels, yeah, lots and lots of fluffy bagels with cream cheese, bagel shop cream cheese, not the cheap grocery store kind, but the creamy delicious bagel shop kind. I'm warning you all, I'll jump. Really. And I'll break my scale when I land!

The deaf mexican kindergartner

So I'm at work. This lady calls to accept a bid. She tells me that two people are going to pay for it and neither are going to pay me at the time of work. So I begin to tell her that we need some form of payment or deposit. She responds with this:

WILL YOU JUST SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND LISTEN TO ME FOR A SECOND. YOU NEED TO BE QUIET AND LISTEN BEFORE YOU SPEAK, I HAVE STUFF TO SAY!

Hang on, give me a second to recover from the anger of reliving it.





Okay, took a few deep breaths. If I had chocolate I would be scarfing it down so fast you would just see a brown blur. Anyway Miss Holyier then now continued to speak to me as if I was a deaf Mexican kindergartener. No I'm not prejudice or anything, I just know from experience that a lot of dumb ass people think that if they speak louder and slower and LOUDER to non english speaking people they will somehow understand them better. I am always amused by this. This lady was speaking to me this way. As if speaking LOUDER and slowwwer was going to some how make her any less wrong and any less of a ho ass bitch.

Sorry, don't like to name call anymore but that just ruffles my fucking feathers. Who the fuck did this lady think she was? Hmmmm? Can you tell me where people get off talking like complete assholes to customer service people.

I proceeded to tell her V E R Y C A L M L Y that it wasn't necessary for her to speak to me like a child.

She responds, WELL IF YOU WOULD JUST BE QUITE AND LISTEN. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT I'M NOT GOING TO LISTEN TO WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!

OHMYFUCKINGGOSH I have never wanted to beat someones ass so bad. I had to put her on hold and walk away from it.

To make matters worse I was told by my boss, to be nice because we need her money.

FUCK HER. She talked to me this way for a full 15 minutes. In the end I was right she was wrong and she can kiss my ass!

Lesson of the day, when you call someone, any business, or customer service person, or secretary BE FUCKING NICE TO THEM! PLEASE. THEY DON'T NEED YOUR SHITTY ASS ATTITUDE. GOT IT?

NO REALLY! DO! YOU! UNDERSTAND!

BE NICE!!!!!!!!

Rooting for the worst

Some thing have happened lately. Small things, but still, they are enough to make me realize that there are a few people in my life who are actually rooting for me to fail. All of the sudden last night everything became so clear. I realized that the few negative people I have left in my life are actually sitting there hoping, probably praying that I screw up motherhood, just so they can stand around and laugh, and then tell me how much better they would have done it, and list all of the things I do wrong. To be honost I think one of these people secretly keeps a list hidden somewhere of things I've done wrong as a mom, a big list, with bullets and sub sets and everything.

I don't understand anymore. Okay that isn't entirely true, because, I guess I have spent a few years of my life being like these people. I guess that was before I was enlightened or some equally dorky shit like that. I hate that I was this person. Now probably as karma I seem to be surrounded by those people.

You can tell these people a mile away. They are the ones always walking around telling you what you SHOULD DO! Then, shaking their heads as they walk away because you did what you wanted and not what they told you. You know, those people who think their way is the only right way, even if they have never taken a single piece of advice in their lives, because really they must KNOW EVERYTHING! It must be nice knowing everything. I can just imagine walking around and never wondering anything at all. What is the square root of 238948059243? I dunno but they do. Does 238948059243 even have a square root? Beats the shit out of me, but they know. Should I wear my hair up or down, is it okay if I wipe my ass back to front today, do you mind if I breath today, or do you know a better way of breathing. I mean really, something so simple I'm sure I'm somehow screwing up. Really, I was just sitting here wondering, hmmm how can I breath the right way. Before you know it, one of those people walks in and says, "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO!"

It is making me crazy. It is hurting my heart seeing all of these people waiting for me to fail. It was like this in high school. I had a family member tell my cousin and I that if we could graduate with out getting knocked up she would give us $500.00. Everyone else in the family thought it was a great deal, but me, I WAS PISSED. You aren't even giving me the chance to do the right thing, before you assume I'll do the wrong one.

You would be amazed at the things I do wrong, or have done wrong. Keep in mind none of these came from my husband.

• I don't vacuum right. I didn't know there was a right or wrong way to vacuum. Actually what was said is that I vacuum very very well, however, I didn't vacuum in the order this person would have liked. In fact a major fight broke out because I chose to vacuum the right side of the couch before the left.
  
• I don't sweep right. I like to hold the broom with my left hand on top and right hand on the bottom. This apparently IS VERY WRONG! Someone told me how I could do it better. (I'll stop typing now while you go pick up a broom, go ahead I know you are dying to see if you hold a broom the right or wrong way...go ahead, I'll wait.)
  
• I don't mop right. Okay, wait, what was actually said is I don't use the right mop. I don't like those weird stringy mops that hold a shit load of germs and basically just swirl germs all over your kitchen floor. However, someone told me what mop would do it better then my super awesome swiffer that holds no previous yuckies in it.
• I don't do dishes right. I prefer to use a scrubby brush not a nasty germ infested sponge. I like to let the water run while I do dishes so they are all clean and not sitting in nasty ass dirty water.
  
• I don't parent right. Every single thing I am doing is wrong. Even if that person did the same thing yesterday, or even five minutes ago, now its wrong BECAUSE IT IS ME DOING IT. Every thing is going to cause my son to grow up and be an awful little boy and he is going to hate me for parenting so bad.
  
• I want to believe in God. Yes, seriously. Someone has actually recently had the nerve to criticize me because I want to learn about prayer and believe in God and stuff like that. Even more so, I was criticized for wanting to have my son baptized....o wait, did I forget to mention, I was baptized. Yes I can see how I'm just doing this all wrong.
• I was criticized for saying bless you to someone. Now, even though I have not always believed in God or religion, one thing about me is that I always took comfort knowing other people did, and knowing that if it made them happy to pray for me or bless me, then it made me happy. And, if God turned out to be real in the end, it couldn't hurt to have a few prayers tossed my way. So, even though I felt this way, before I figured out my thoughts on God, apparently others don't and they have the nerve to get mad when I say bless you. My bad, I guess I hope the devil does get your soul while you are sneezing.
• I don't do my job right. Even though its been done this way for years, and its right, today its wrong because you don't understand it.

Have you ever noticed how if someone doesn't understand something then it suddenly becomes wrong? I don't understand math so you must be wrong. I don't understand religion so you must be wrong. Also, if you don't agree with someone then you are wrong. I choose to believe in God, that is wrong, you should only choose to believe in a higher spirit. I choose to believe in good in people, that is wrong and your purse is going to get stolen because you are stupid and Naive.

And also, while I'm on my soap box. Why do people feel the need to tell you to shut up? It is the rudest thing ever to say to a person. EVER! Also please stop saying it around my son, because I don't want him growing up and disrespecting people like you do. YOU know who you are!

This one is just for you Emery

A while ago Emery posted this blog. The blog itself isn't the important part, the important part is in the comments. So last night Emery, Brandon hadn't napped all day so he was being a huge grump. He finally passed out at around 4 and then woke back up at 6 right when we wanted him to be actually going to sleep. I tried to get him to eat some dinner and let me tell you about the insane fight we had. I put him in his chair and he started doing that thing where he arches his body to try and get out. Then he went into ugly cry. He started flailing his arms about like a crazy man. To tell you the truth I had to laugh at him because he was being so irrational about his high chair. Finally I thought hmmmmmm, maybe if I give him a bath he will settle down and eat. Soo I get him in the bath and he is having this great ole time. He was having a regular splash fest in there. Then it dawns on me. HEY! LIGHTBULB! I'll feed him in here. So I have Rob bring in his Spagehttios and I offer a bite. He opened his mouth right up and ate those Spaghettios like they were the best ones ever. Bite after bite after bite, I got my kid to eat by feeding him in the tub. After it happened. All I could do was think of you and the comments on your page! Ha ha ha.

The downside to Philosophy (yes there is one)

So I have found the downside to my brand new fangled Philosophy facial products. I am a picker. I pick everything. My most favorite thing to pick is my face followed closely by my feet, hands, chest, legs, back, ears, toes and basically anything covered in skin. Now I'm stuck. This stupid Philosophy face wash is doing so damn good that I haven't got shit to pick at on my face. I run up to the mirror every five minutes HOPING that there will be something. But I've got nothing. No juicy pimples to pop or poke at, no black heads to squish no spots to prod, NOTHING. I've got nothing. I've taken to squishing things on my back that I can't see, which means all I'm really doing is making spots where there was nothing to begin with. FUCKING FACE WASH AND GLOWING SKIN!

BECAUSE, HE'S BAD TO THE BONE

BBBBBBBAD
This is what happens when you let Papa and Brandon loose in the bathroom with hair gel!

I'm so weird

I thought, after my previous post where I discussed my dyslexia I would share with you, how truly odd I am.

• I mix up numbers and letters often. I relate the sound of the number to what I write. For instance, 90% of the time when I write the number 5 as in 5 not five, I will actually write "F" Because 5 starts with F. I do this often with 9 also. I write "N" I'm strange.
  
• I screw up numbers bad from memory. For instance, this is how I thought I didn't lose any weight. Okay get ready because I'm actually going to admit what I weigh and you can do the math and find out what a phatso I was when I started this diet. Anyhoo. On February 15th when I weighed in I was 166.6 This meant that I had lost 14 pounds. K got it so far. Now, since I had the 14 in my head this is how the big screw up happened. When I weighed in on March 1st I weighed 164.4. Now, since I was remembering 14 which has a 4 in it, I saw the 164 and thought it was the same number as before. It took me 4 days to figure out that I was remembering all the wrong numbers. Well, since I thought I hadn't lost but hadn't gained, I decided to eat a little junk. Just to double check that I really had seen 164 on the scale I got back on. I was 165. Which means all my bread eating caught me and I gained back a pound. Sooo my weight loss to date is 15 pounds.
  

Okay so really those are the only two that pop into my mind at the moment. But take my word for it, I'm a little odd.

PHATSO PHOTOS WEEK 4

SO THIS IS LAST WEEK. I LOOK PRETTY HOT, HOWEVER IF YOU SKIP DOWN TO THIS WEEK I THINK I'M PRETTY CUTE, I'VE ALSO DISCOVERED NOT WEARING A BELT MAKES ME LOOK SMALLER. TOO BAD MOST OF MY JEANS ARE SO BIG I NEED THE DAMN BELT.

HEY LOOK AT ME ALL BELTLESS AND SUCKING IT IN. HMMM THERE MIGHT BE A BIT OF BOOBIE IN THIS PICTURE. THEY LOOK BIG. I'M NOT EVEN PUSHING EM OUT, THEY DO THIS SHIT NATURALLY. I FEEL SO ELEMENTARY SCHOOL IN MY HEADBAND, BUT I'M A SUCKER FOR ANYTHING CAMOFLAUGE, AND REALLY PEOPLE, IT WAS A FREAKING DOLLAR, HOW COULD I NOT SPORT IT PROUDLY? WAIT, DID I JUST SAY SPORT. SHIT, I'M BEING WAY TO DORKY TODAY, ADIOS AMIGOS.

SO GUESS WHAT! LAST WEEK WHEN I WEIGHED IN, I GOT MY NUMBERS MIXED UP, BECAUSE I'M SORTA PRETTY DYSLEXIC. ANYHOO, I REALLY DID LOSE 2 POUNDS LAST WEEK AND DIDN'T EVEN KNOW BECAUSE I SCREWED UP MY NUMBER READING. YEAH...AND I'M A PARENT.

PHILOSOPHY

Okay so it may not be much of a difference but I don't care, I needed an excuse to rave about my new face stuff by Philosophy. Amalah talked so much about it I figured I would give actually washing my face a try (yes, I'm one of those people who gets by in life with out ever washing their face with more then shower water, sorry hate me if you will). Anyway, the stuff is amazing. I have the Purity Face Wash, the Microdelivery peel and the Hope in a Jar lotion. HOLY SHIT THIS STUFF IS AMAZING. If you have any face problems, go to Sephora and buy the entire line people. ITs that great. I already have a list of more junk I must have. Soooo, this is me a week ago, before Philosophy (and look I actually styled my hair for once)

Annnnd this is me today, after a weeks worth of Philosophy. I'M GLOWING!

(yeah not so much with the hair doing today, but look at my fancy new headband from the dollar spot at Target!)

Friendship

Growing up, I didn't have many friends. Not because I was a dork, or I smelled weird, or I was that strange girl in class. I didn't really have many friends, because that was what seemed normal for my family. I realized early on that my parents really didn't have friends. I just assumed, that since it worked for them, that it would work for me. It wasn't until very recently that I understood, they didn't have friends because they weren't friendship material. I always had my two close friends, Ginger and Katie and my cousin but besides them, I never really kept anyone close in my life. When I met Rob, he had all kinds of friends. This kid has friends coming out his ears, and a few hiding between his toes. I didn't understand it at all. In fact I was hugely bothered by it.

You see, growing up, I was basically taught that, you only did something for someone, if you expected something greater in return. I was also taught to look for all of the negative things about people to help myself seem better. My parents are great at this. I noticed recently, that they spend all of their time looking for the bad in every situation. I regularly hear them saying things like OMG can you believe so in so did this, its so dumb, they should have done it my way. I used to get involved in the hype and gossip with em and now I just shrug my shoulders and say "Hey, its so in so, what do you expect, they have been this way for years, why does it surprise you now?"

Back to my husband. Like I said he had tons of friends. Friends who always wanted to come and drink, or needed a place to stay, or a ride somewhere. All I could ever think was, "Gosh we pay for a lot of beer, why do they need to stay with us, isn't there somewhere else they can go, what are we going to get out of it, are they going to pay for our gas, and so on!" Rob would always get so upset and try and explain to me, that you just do stuff because they are your friends. I couldn't comprehend this idea. The whole time his friend stayed with us my mom was in my ear asking what he would do for us, and wasn't it annoying having someone always in our house. I agreed with her because i didn't know better. We kicked his friend out, and later Rob told me he was sleeping in his car. All the sudden I thought to myself, wow, what was so wrong with helping this kid out. I realized, that there is nothing wrong with having friends over all the time. So what if they come over often. If I relax a little, its actually quite fun. '

So started my journey to make new friends. I made up with Steph and I even apologized to my cousins friend whom I was mean to just for the sake of meanness and all the sudden, I HAD FRIENDS. Last night me and 4 girls went out. We went to a club, and guess what WE ALL GOT ALONG. No one was talking shit. No one was hating someone else. No one was pouting because another girl had been invited. It was just good ole fashion fun. I started to look at my parents and realize that they have created such a lonely life for themselves by alienating everyone around them. In fact, I realized that the best thing that a friend can do back for me, is just be there. Their company is the best gift they can give me.

I bet, when Steph first came over she could tell, I was a little standoffish. Or when my friend Alli moved back into town she could see that I wasn't used to having people over just to hang out. But now, I'm excited about it. I just went out with all my friends and I'm already sitting here wondering when someone is going to come over and keep me company.

Now, that I'm learning the importance of having friends I regret all the time I wasted hating so many people or pushing them away. I've noticed that when I come to work and maybe I have a headache or I'm just having an off day, the first thing my mom does is ask if there is a problem with Rob and I. Its like she can't conceive a life where things are just okay and normal. When I told her I was hanging out with Stephanie she asked why. She didn't understand why I would waste my time with some one who I had hated for so long. But the way I looked at it, the time wasted was really the time spent hating her.

I do choose my friends more careful now, because now I see that I want to make life long friends. Not just friends to pass the time until I find a reason to hate them, or I find all of the things wrong with them. I want those good friends. The ones that years from now we will sit there looking back and remembering the good times.

Realizing this whole thing, I am making an extra effort to see the good things in people. I want to make every effort to see the positive in each day. To try and find a silver lining. Because the last thing I want to do is watch my son turn into me. I don't want to see him wasting his time, judging people and forcing them away because he always expected something in return. Rather, I would like to encourage him to be like my husband, I want my son to have to by his shoes one size bigger because he has so many friends hiding in his toes, and behind his ears and in his pockets. I want him to always be able to pick up the phone and have friend. Always have someone to come by for a drink (of kool-aid) or a game of monopoly. I want him to always have someone to call if he just needs to talk. Someone to trust. But not only that, I want him to have people to call on him. I want him to be the kind of friend who is needed. Not like me. I was the friend you didn't call, because you knew, I wasn't going to be there for you, unless I got something in return.

I am so excited to be talking to Steph now, and talking to Jen and making friends with Angel whom I hated for a reason I can't remember. I'm finally starting to understand what it feels like to have a full life. A life that you wake up every morning and say, hey you know what, this isn't half bad.


** Disclaimer: Steph and other friends, this doesn't mean that you can't still spoil me with chocolates and salty treats as a reward for answering my phone and calling back. I may be working on a lot of things, but phone answering is not on the top of my list!

** Double disclaimer: I'm not sure if this post actually made much sense, I'm writing it outside freezing my ass off with snot dripping down my nose and freezing to my face as I watch my child dig up mud and fling it at himself and the ditty (kitty)! Yay for frozen face snot.