Rooting for the worst

Some thing have happened lately. Small things, but still, they are enough to make me realize that there are a few people in my life who are actually rooting for me to fail. All of the sudden last night everything became so clear. I realized that the few negative people I have left in my life are actually sitting there hoping, probably praying that I screw up motherhood, just so they can stand around and laugh, and then tell me how much better they would have done it, and list all of the things I do wrong. To be honost I think one of these people secretly keeps a list hidden somewhere of things I've done wrong as a mom, a big list, with bullets and sub sets and everything.

I don't understand anymore. Okay that isn't entirely true, because, I guess I have spent a few years of my life being like these people. I guess that was before I was enlightened or some equally dorky shit like that. I hate that I was this person. Now probably as karma I seem to be surrounded by those people.

You can tell these people a mile away. They are the ones always walking around telling you what you SHOULD DO! Then, shaking their heads as they walk away because you did what you wanted and not what they told you. You know, those people who think their way is the only right way, even if they have never taken a single piece of advice in their lives, because really they must KNOW EVERYTHING! It must be nice knowing everything. I can just imagine walking around and never wondering anything at all. What is the square root of 238948059243? I dunno but they do. Does 238948059243 even have a square root? Beats the shit out of me, but they know. Should I wear my hair up or down, is it okay if I wipe my ass back to front today, do you mind if I breath today, or do you know a better way of breathing. I mean really, something so simple I'm sure I'm somehow screwing up. Really, I was just sitting here wondering, hmmm how can I breath the right way. Before you know it, one of those people walks in and says, "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO!"

It is making me crazy. It is hurting my heart seeing all of these people waiting for me to fail. It was like this in high school. I had a family member tell my cousin and I that if we could graduate with out getting knocked up she would give us $500.00. Everyone else in the family thought it was a great deal, but me, I WAS PISSED. You aren't even giving me the chance to do the right thing, before you assume I'll do the wrong one.

You would be amazed at the things I do wrong, or have done wrong. Keep in mind none of these came from my husband.

• I don't vacuum right. I didn't know there was a right or wrong way to vacuum. Actually what was said is that I vacuum very very well, however, I didn't vacuum in the order this person would have liked. In fact a major fight broke out because I chose to vacuum the right side of the couch before the left.
  
• I don't sweep right. I like to hold the broom with my left hand on top and right hand on the bottom. This apparently IS VERY WRONG! Someone told me how I could do it better. (I'll stop typing now while you go pick up a broom, go ahead I know you are dying to see if you hold a broom the right or wrong way...go ahead, I'll wait.)
  
• I don't mop right. Okay, wait, what was actually said is I don't use the right mop. I don't like those weird stringy mops that hold a shit load of germs and basically just swirl germs all over your kitchen floor. However, someone told me what mop would do it better then my super awesome swiffer that holds no previous yuckies in it.
• I don't do dishes right. I prefer to use a scrubby brush not a nasty germ infested sponge. I like to let the water run while I do dishes so they are all clean and not sitting in nasty ass dirty water.
  
• I don't parent right. Every single thing I am doing is wrong. Even if that person did the same thing yesterday, or even five minutes ago, now its wrong BECAUSE IT IS ME DOING IT. Every thing is going to cause my son to grow up and be an awful little boy and he is going to hate me for parenting so bad.
  
• I want to believe in God. Yes, seriously. Someone has actually recently had the nerve to criticize me because I want to learn about prayer and believe in God and stuff like that. Even more so, I was criticized for wanting to have my son baptized....o wait, did I forget to mention, I was baptized. Yes I can see how I'm just doing this all wrong.
• I was criticized for saying bless you to someone. Now, even though I have not always believed in God or religion, one thing about me is that I always took comfort knowing other people did, and knowing that if it made them happy to pray for me or bless me, then it made me happy. And, if God turned out to be real in the end, it couldn't hurt to have a few prayers tossed my way. So, even though I felt this way, before I figured out my thoughts on God, apparently others don't and they have the nerve to get mad when I say bless you. My bad, I guess I hope the devil does get your soul while you are sneezing.
• I don't do my job right. Even though its been done this way for years, and its right, today its wrong because you don't understand it.

Have you ever noticed how if someone doesn't understand something then it suddenly becomes wrong? I don't understand math so you must be wrong. I don't understand religion so you must be wrong. Also, if you don't agree with someone then you are wrong. I choose to believe in God, that is wrong, you should only choose to believe in a higher spirit. I choose to believe in good in people, that is wrong and your purse is going to get stolen because you are stupid and Naive.

And also, while I'm on my soap box. Why do people feel the need to tell you to shut up? It is the rudest thing ever to say to a person. EVER! Also please stop saying it around my son, because I don't want him growing up and disrespecting people like you do. YOU know who you are!