CHAPTER 4 HEARTACHE

The years past and the next thing I knew we had been together for two and a half years. Rob moved in and we started talking about having kids. He knew I had trouble having kids so we decided we would go to a doctor and see what they had to say. The doctor decided we should try IUI. Intrauterine Insemination. What this meant was that they would take his sperm and inject it up into me and see what happened. I had to take tons of fertility drugs including getting a shot in the tush every night. Rob enjoyed that part especially when we were fighting. what would happen first is for about a month I would take a shot in the rear every day for a month. Then I would go into the doctors office and they would do an ultrasound once a week to see how my eggs were growing. Finally I would take ovulation tests and when nothing happened they would give me a shot to force me to ovulate. Later I figured out that I ovulated at a very different time then they thought and they were forcing something that wasn't going to happen. This was a really hard time in my life. When I went to my dad and told him what was going on his response was that he didn’t want me having a bastard child. I was pretty pissed. On top of this my best friend had just had her first abortion and treated it like it was nothing. My cousin decided that she wanted to try and have a baby with her husband and I was in shock. So our first insemination came and nothing. I got my period and the doctor assured me that this was normal and I was increasing my chances each time. The second insemination came around and we did everything right. Two weeks later my cousin called me to tell me she was pregnant. Three minutes before that I had started my period. I didn’t know what to do. I worked with her every day. Everyone at work including my parents were so caught up in her pregnancy they didn’t even notice I was falling apart on the side lines. I guess I didn’t handle it very well and I basically alienated my cousin from my life. I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t want to be a part of something that I was having so much trouble with and I hated that it was right there in my face every day. Her whole pregnancy was very hard. The worst part is that every time I offered her advice she brushed it off like it was nothing making me feel like my thoughts on parenthood and being a mom didn't matter. Simple things like telling her it was very important to go to the dentist while she was pregnant. She acted like she knew better. I felt like a no one. For the most part I just started doing my own thing and not involving my cousin or my family in my life anymore. At this point the doctor came up with the idea that I should have a third surgery for endometriosis and get everything cleaned up again and then we would try for a baby one more time. So the surgery came and went and the third insemination came. I went to the doctor got shot up with sperm and went to spend some time by myself. I called my friend only to find out that very same day she was off having another abortion. I wanted to puke. Being the friend that I am I rushed to her house and spent time with her telling her that her decision was fine and that I didn’t feel any different toward her. My husband and I waited and waited to find out if we were pregnant.