To be like Shannon and do the smart thing

I'm getting in bed after I push publish. Just to make sure I upped my brilliance quotient for the day, I just chugged about 10 oz of water. I am so smart. Don't you all wish you could be this fucking smart like me?

Really though, it isn't easy being this great!

Since I'm keeping a tally and all

So we have discovered I now have udders for boobs, and pogs for nipples, but this just in I NOW HAVE CHICKEN POCK BOOBIES. No, not real chicken pocks. Instead my skin is breaking out so bad all the pimples on my chest look like I have chicken pocks. And since I have a habit of picking everything it looks more like chicken pock scabs. Sooo. To recap, I have udder, poggy nipple chicken pock scab boobs. Fuck, I'm hot!

On the ride to work today

BRANDON MAKE KISSY FACE FOR THE CAMERA

DAMN THAT WAS A LONG RIDE I'M OUT...ZZZZZZZZ

**Disclaimer: The first photo was taken while I was parked at a drive through Starbucks. The second photo was taken in my work parking lot. Sorry Lindsey I'm no Britney Spears, I'm safety mom!

I forgot to add

On my newly found udders....Instead of having my cute little quarter size nipples I now have these huge umm, Pog size nipples. Remember Pogs? I remember pogs, because I'm wearing a pair on my udders!

UDDERLY RIDICULOUS

I was standing in the shower today when I looked up at my little shower caddy and saw a picture of a cows udder staring at me. At first I was baffled. Then I realized that it was in fact my shower mirror pointing down toward my saggy droopy sorry excuse for a left boob. Great. Just great. Now I have cottage cheese thighs, a jiggly fat butt, invisible feet, and cow udders.

From now on just call me mooommy

Some tidbits from my phone

I've been keeping little reminders in my cell phone of things I want to blog about because last week I thought of five pretty funny things and forgot all five.

A few of the things in my phone were things like how I think its funny waddling around with my big ole pregnant belly in the tampon and pad isle at the grocery store. I wonder if people walking by me are as amused as me when they see me with my jumbo pack of panty liners, or if it's all just funny in my head. Not to mention the time it takes me to buy panty liners now. Seriously, when you have been wearing one two months non stop, those plasticy kind start to chaff and rub your skin off. So now I have to scrutinize every pack to find which on claims to be the softest.

Also have you ever tried to explain to your husband that you have an owwy near your girl parts? The panty liners have caused me to have a giant red rash like thing from where my skin has been rubbed raw. Trying to tell my husband that there is anything wrong near my girl parts results in a look of disgust from him, because apparently our girl stuff and all surrounding areas must all look like and be as soft as tulips and never ever ever have problems. So a mental note to me DON'T TELL ROB ABOUT MY PANTY LINER CHAFFING BUSINESS AGAIN!

Maybe I'll stick to telling him how funny I think it is when people try and race me to get in the line at the drive through at Starbucks. My favorite one was friday when this lady was across the entrance to the parking lot and behind a stop sign. I was maybe 7 feet from the drive through she was probably 40+ feet. It was hilarious. She actually tried running the stop sign to get in front of me. I find it amusing that a person can be so impatient they really can't wait for one extra latte to be made. Knuckle heads. Needless to say I totally beat her there. Feeling all nice and stuff and thinking of Emery I decided to pay for her drink. Never mind I don't have money, and she was driving a new Lexus, I thought hey why not. The sucky part though, is I have no way of knowing if she paid for the person behind her. Darnit!

I've been outside playing with Brandon in the water and stuff. That means I'm in my bathing suit. This poses somewhat of a problem. I haven't been able to see my bikini line for a couple weeks now. This means I have no clue if I'm actually accomplishing when I try and shave down there or I've I'm justs shaving a bald spot on my thigh. We went to the lake yesterday, where I was allowed to sit in a chair and watch everyone else have fun. I wouldn't take off my shorts though because I was afraid there would be a wild jungle growing out of both sides of my bathing suit. Speaking of which, my feet, yeah haven't seen them in a while either.

I got Brandon a set of outside paints. Its pretty cool. We got three colors of paint. Brandon now knows, yellow, blue and piglet (pink). We painted my whole patio plus each other. It was sooo much fun. It was supposed to be a birthday present but I got bored and decided we could use them today!

He got me

Wow I'm painting mom

Some toe nail polish perhaps?

See, NO FEET! (Also bathing suit covered in paint)

Brandons first mural!

I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I shake my little touche on the catwalk

He looks like a tiny "burner" huh Jen?

Now shes done lost her mind

THREE TIMES! That is how many times today I've completely forgotten I was pregnant, and looked down and my belly, causing me to be on the verge of tears because, "I can't believe I've gotten this fat!"

It seriously takes a good 18 seconds or so before I realize that no, my waist isn't actually that fat there is a baby in it. Wow. Talk about mental break down!

Somehow calling this post, "Another one bites the dust" doesn't quite seem right!

Is it just me or is EVERYONE pregnant? I feel as if the government is putting something in the water. I mean that has to be the only logical explanation since I got pregnant so easy this time right? Really, right now its as though being pregnant is the new black.

When I started blogging, Jessie at The Happening Cheatwoods was pregnant and due any day. Untangling Knots was having a baby THAT DAY! Then A Mommy Story, Chelle, Mom 101, Swistle, Sweet / Salty, and Zube Girl all went ahead and had some babies as they were pretty far along.

Erin from MoMommy was first to announce her pregnancy. Followed by me. Then came in no order, All & Sundry, Cakerwakers, Julia, Jen, Life is Just so Daily, The Mathers, Scott and Lorie and Frema all announced pregnancies.

Wow that is a lot of links. I think I'm going to deserve a few cookies after this post. Aside from my friends with blogs, I was shocked to find that my friends, Katie, Murissa, and April were also expecting. I heard through the grapevine that a girl I went to school with, no wait, two girls I went to school with Cami and Tylene were pregnant. My husbands friend Frank is having a baby.

Of all these people 3 or 4 are due with in a week or so of me, Jen, Julia, Cakerwakers, Frank and Murissa, so that makes five actually. There are a ton of boys being expected which I think is excellent news.

On top of this huge pile of raging hormones I have two friends currently getting ready to try to get pregnant. This list also doesn't mention the gaggle of other blogs I've linked to from Mom's Daily Dose about other pregnant ladies, or ladies who just gave birth like yesterday.

In fact, MoMommy had her baby yesterday!!!!

I feel bad because I'm sure I'm forgetting some more preggos. If I've forgotten you just drop me a comment that says something like, "hey you whore bag I'm totally knocked up too", or "hey slut muffin remember how I just had that really cute baby you forgot about!" I'll link up to you too!

So counting me, that is like 25 people in the last few months who have had babies or gone and gotten all knocked up like! Now you try and convince me the government isn't putting something in our water!

I knew I would forget some. My husbands best friend and best man Aaron just had a baby, and so did Aarons brother. The count is now 27.

PHATSO PHOTOS WEEK 21ISH now with more cottage cheese and pasteyness

Now this is some serious jelly. Sorry for the booty shorts...they actually made my thighs look less fat, if thats possible.

See these pants make me look like a giant asshole..

My sorry excuse for a bathing suit.

Welcome to my home

So earlier in the week you got to see Brandons room. I figure hey why not show you my whole house!

ENTRY TO MY HOUSE

LIVING ROOM DINING ROOM

KITCHEN....I HEART MY KITCHENAID AND WUSTHOFS

OTHER SIDE OF LIVING ROOM (ELMO BALLOON IS A PERMANENT FIXTURE NOW)

LEFT SIDE OF LIVING ROOM ALL MY PRETTY FRAMES

OUTSIDE OF MY ENTRY WAY..THAT WAS WHAT WE USED AT OUR WEDDING INSTEAD OF A GUEST BOOK. THEN YOU HAVE BRANDONS SCAPBOOKS, AND HIS HAND AND FOOT PRINT

BRANDONS BATHROOM

MORE OF HIS BATHROOM

OUR BEDROOM (COMPLETE WITH TABLECLOTHS FOR CURTAINS) (HEY SHUT UP THEY MATCHED MY COLOR SCHEME AND YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT MATCHING)

OUR BEDROOM IS OPEN TO OUR BATHROOM (SORTA THERE IS AN OPEN ARCH THINGY) NOTICE THE BATHROOM COLORS ACCENT THE COLORS OF MY BED AND CURTAINS)

THIS IS A LITTLE NOOK THINGY THAT WE WEREN'T SURE WHAT TO DO WITH, SO WE PUT OUR WEDDING ALBUM, MY SHRIVELED BOUQUET, GARTER, AND THE FAVORS FROM OUR WEDDING.

ENTRANCE INTO MY KITCHEN. I USED CHALK BOARD PAINT. THOSE ARE THE HOUSE RULED THERE, THE JUST OF IT IS, OPEN YOUR OWN BEER AND YOU DRINK!

A BLANK WALL IN MY HOUSE SO I PAINTED THOSE LETTERS AND STUCK THAT UP