Guest posting

I've been guest posting over at Ginger's blog while she is out of town. I decided since all of you were sending me your drunk stories I figured I would go ahead and post mine on her blog. Go read it, it's a doosey.

My last doctors visit!!!!

I had my pre-op / last doctors visit today. I have some huge news to report. I am spawning a second Brandon. That's right this child is just as fucking defiant as my first and he isn't even born yet. The nurse was trying to get his heart beat and the second the doppler touched my belly he went nuts. He wasn't having it. Anytime she picked up his heart beat he would kick and squirm away till she lost it. It took a full damn five minutes for her to find it and was getting to the point where she thought the doctor might have to come find it for her. Anyway the doctor came in and asked if I wanted an exam and I just laughed at him. I informed him that even though we are doing a C-section he should probably pack his spare set of Jaws Of Life to get this kid out because he is not coming out from under my ribs. He laughed and said if I felt that way I probably didn't need an exam. I haven't gained in weight in the last week which is good since I've been eating really well. Then we went in and he had me sign the consent for C-section. Don't worry guys it is totally safe. I can only end up, dead, deformed, paralyzed, infected.....the list went on and on. I guess in the end it is a good thing I have a doctor I trust with my whole life, and typing this better not jinx me. Then we talked about tubal ligation. Since my hospital and insurance are both Catholic they in no way shape or form cover that unless it is necessary. This is because it is considered birth control and apparently Catholics don't like birth control or something. Anyway he tells me that if my uterus is thin at the bottom he can do a tubal ligation and insurance will then cover it. So we are now THINKING THIN PEOPLE! Because you see Rob and I only want two kids and if I don't get my tubes tied during the surgery we are going to have to have his "stuff" snipped and we have to pay for the whole thing ourselves, because again, the stupid Catholic insurance thing. Anywhoo I'm really excited about the possibility of having that shit all done in one surgery. He also said he promises to take my tattoo into consideration again when he is cutting me open. Oh yeah and as long as I can fart, pee, take my pills and eat then I can go home when ever I'm ready weeeehaw no more 4 days in the hospital shit as long as all goes well.

So to sum up WE ARE HAVING A BABY IN A WEEK!

Day Two

Jen will be posting on Saturday November 17th. So Jen you will have access to my blog that day to write anything you want. Don't forget because you have to keep up with my NaBloPoMo. You can write anything you want. Here is Jen's story.

Ok, so during the period of time before Erick and I got together- but after the whole Burning Man/Keturah ORDEAL I was TRYING to get over Erick- so I went out drinking with the girls. We went to a bar sorta-kinda near my house (Probably 12-15 blocks away) where we knew the bartender and he gave us really REALLY cheap drinks. LOVE!

OMg was so drunk it's hard to remember exactly how this happened. Anywhoo- somehow I struck up a conversation with this REALLY cute guy. We got to talking. Turns out he was an artist. A painter to be exact. We talked about poetry and writing and all kinds of stuff. He said that he had gone to medical school for alternative medicine and knew all kinds of cool stuff. Or at least stuff that sounded cool after 6 whiskey and gingers.

Soo my sister and the girls are drunk and ready to leave and they're like "Come on Jen! Let's go!" and I'm like "Nah- that's ok. I'm going to stay and hang out with Cute Boy." My sister immediately gave me a look and was like "I should NOT be leaving you alone with some guy you don't know. Come home with us NOW." And I was like "NOOOO It's OK! I will totally call you if I need you!" Jill is pissed and doesn't think it's a good idea, thinks the guy is creepy... whatever. She leaves with the girls and I stay with cute boy.

Cute boy and I get reeeeeeeeeally wasted. I think I paid my tab. We then proceeded to walk the 15 blocks back to my apartment. However, on the way there we decided to stop and have sex no less than like 15 times. We did it in the bark in front of an elementary school, we did it on someone's driveway, we did it in the bushes, we did it on the hood of someone's car, on my front step, etc, etc, etc....

So. We finally get back to my apartment and the guy is acting all weird. Like after all that sex he still wasn't satisfied and was like getting kinda rough with me. It got to the point where I slapped him across the face- HARD! He was totally shocked, but it didn't make him leave. After a bunch more struggling he ended up passing out on my futon and I stayed up and watched a movie and smoked cigarettes because there was NO WAY I was going to sleep with that guy in my apartment.

Then, a couple hours later the guy totally ROLLS OFF THE FUTON and hits the ground HARD! Then he gets up, walks into my kitchen where I have a spare TV sitting in the corner, and he takes like the HUGEST PEE EVER! RIGHT ON MY TV! IN MY KITCHEN! IT was the most enormous amount of pee I had ever seen!!

I ran in and was like "OMG DID YOU JUST PEE ON MY TV?!"

The guy looks at me and is like "What?!" He totally didn't get what was going on. I was like "OMG GET THE FUCCCCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!" He fought me. I kicked him out. Screamed at him. He stood on the front step banging on the door for a while and finally left. I was all freaked out and decided to call my friend Cody to come over and make sure he was gone... but I couldn't find my phone anywhere!! THE A-HOLE HAD STOLEN MY PHONE!!! I didn't have a house phone...I was PISSSSED but eventually went to bed.

I woke up the next morning and the dude had left my cell phone in my mail slot. He then proceeded to call me like 45X a day for the next month apologizing over and over and over again but I never answered. It took TWO ENTIRE ROLLS of paper towels to clean up all his pee!!

I still see him around out and about and I refuse to even look in his direction. Erick thinks this whole story is hilarious.

Let's not get crazy here, my son isn't all cute and belicious

First of all yesterday was my 800th post. Hmmm thats a lot of typing huh.

Anyway yesterday after posting about my sons sweet little pretend cooking phase the rest of the day pretty much took a turn for the worse. Brandon was being a total shit. In fact he was being such a shit head that I told him no less then three times yesterday, "you are being such a shit head." Yeah wanna guess what kind of looks I received from my uber conservative mommy friend when I said that? We went to lunch and he wanted to crawl on the floor or throw napkins. We went to Target and he was hell bent on grabbing every goddamn piece of clothing off the rack, ripping it off the hanger and tossing it on the floor. I should mention I was at Target with a friend who works at Target so she was less then impressed with this. Plus she had to pick most of it up since me and the giant pregnant belly have a hard time bending over with out my extremely expanded ass crack sticking out, while holding my back and groaning owwwwwwwww as I try and stand back up. Yeah I'm sexy. He didn't care about time out, he wanted to hit and throw and jump and fly and just all around get on my nerves. By the end of the day I was so far at my wits end I wouldn't even let him have the piece of candy he discovered in his Halloween bucket.

Earlier that morning he was on the toilet going poop. He would poop a little then turn around and flush and quickly look in the toilet to watch the poop go down. Then he would poop some more and so on and so forth. He found this hilarious. He found it so hilarious he kept flushing the toilet while I was on it peeing. This was all fine until he did it while I was at Smiths. The next thing I know WOOOOOOSH and my ass is covered in water. I mean totally soaked. Yeah seems like those commercial toilets are super duper duper powerful. So side note to you, if you were walking behind that big fat pregnant girl at Smiths yesterday NO I DIDN'T PISS MYSELF I just had my ass soaked by my son who thinks toilet flushing is funny.

However my son totally made up for his shitheadedness that night when he exclaimed that he had to pee and my husband grabbed him to help run him to the potty and Brandon instead peed all over my husband. It was the most glorious moment of the whole day watching my husband come shrieking from the bathroom that Brandon just peed on him. I was trying to stifle a laugh so I didn't respond so he ran by again shrieking louder in case I didn't hear that Brandon just peed on him. I busted out laughing and just said, well next time he has to pee you should help him get there a little faster huh. Ahhh that made the whole day totally worth it for me!

Dinner a la Brandon

My son just brought me a silver plate out of my pan drawer along with a pan. Here is what followed:

Brandon: Hands me the pan, "here mommy its a prise (surprise)
Me: Thank you Brandon
Brandon: Hands me the pan, "I makea soup, you drink it"
Me: mmmmm this is good soup
Brandon: takes my plate and hands the pan again and says, "more soup"
Me: "okay" then I "drink" some soup
Brandon: You want me to makea some cheese?
Me: Okay
Brandon: Places baseball in pan and brings it to me, "here cheese"
Me: mmmmm
Brandon: Is it hot
Me: yeah its hooot
Brandon: blows on empty pan, says "here you try it"
Me: mmm that is better
Brandon: is it berry good
me: It's very good
Brandon: is it belicious (delicious)
Me: yes its delicious
Brandon: drinks some soup "mmm it's good, it's belicious"
Brandon: turns over pan and starts hitting it "I play drums"

And the winners are.......

Well since only two of you assholes were brave enough to tell me your drunken stories obviously you win. However there is a third winner by honorary mention because I know the story and have decided to submit it for her. Now you guys need to make extra sure to keep up your end of the deal and blog on your assigned day so that I don't fail my NaBloPoMo. On the actual day of the birth I really wanted someone in Reno to post so they could come by the hospital and take pictures and post right away. There for on November 16th my cousin Lisa will be posting. The rest of the winners will be announced this week and their stories will be posted. You will need to leave me the email you want me to send you the guest invite too. Here is her story as told by me.

It was a nice night. I believe my freshman year in college and my cousin and I started to get drunk. (oooooh I have pictures at work that will be uploaded tomorrow for this story). Her then boyfriends friends sister was having a birthday and Lisa and I were all, "fuggg this we are sooo much cooler then them". We were drinking Bicardi Limon and I believe Squirt along with BOONES FARM!!!!!! At this point the party moved to a club and Lisa and I stayed behind because we were going to a super rad frat party. We first turned on Dr. Dre's the next episode and danced around her living room singing la la la la la while doing a really cool hand motion and acting like we were the shit. We then set off to the party. We parked at some garage and we each had a bottle of Boones and were walking to the frat house. At this exact moment Lisa was exclaiming how she was sooo not drunk she proceeded to "trip" on a curb and face plant into the floor. She got up and we continued onto our party. A bottle of Boones later and a shit ton of more alcohol Lisa got into full swing. We ran into these two guys I knew, Ben and Sean and we are talking to them. Ben looks at Lisa and says Whats up? WHACK she hauled off and smacked him and shouted I AM NOT A SLUT! Huh. She must have misheard him. He repeats, "No I said whats up," WHACK she smacks him again. His friend Sean now has to grab him and hold him back from laying her ass out and Lisa gets a smug little fuck you look on her face and stomps off, after taking Bens beer out of his hand and calling it hers. I'm like uggg this girl is out of her mind. I try talking to her and shes not hearing it and is totally off her damn rocker. The next thing I know we have to pee so we go upstairs in the house and go in their bathroom. It is at this time we realize there is no toilet paper so we do what any logical person would do. We use their towels to wipe after we pee. When we finish we walk out the door and down the steps. Only Lisa doesn't walk down the steps she falls on her ass and slides down the steps landing at the bottom into me. I had a boot shaped bruise forever in my leg where she kicked into me. Yeah we looked awesome. So we decide we are going to leave and we bump back into her boyfriends friend who decides Lisa can NOT drive. He is trying to load us into his 4-runner. I get in on the drivers side back seat and Lisa gets in on the passenger side rear seat. Side note- my cousin gets MEAN when she is drunk. Fierce, for no reason she just snaps and goes into fuck you mode. So somewhere between putting her left leg in the car and putting her right leg in the car Lisa snaps. She sees me in the car and loses her shit. She scoots all the way over and shoves me out of the car and tries to slam the door on me. At this point I'm now stuck in the mud and said friend picks me up and puts me back in the car. Lisa is not okay with this and continues trying to shove me out of the car. I tell the guy to take me to my car and Lisa starts yelling "You can't go to my car I won't tell you where I parked," clearly she forgot I had driven there. So he gets me to my car thinking I'm just going to get something out of it. I open the door and whammo Lisa shoves me back out of the car. Grrrr. I get in my car and I'm like fuck this I'm driving home. The next thing I know the guy jumps on the hood of my car and is holding on by my wiper blades as I'm frantically reversing out of the parking lot. He reallly doesn't want me to drive. I finally swerve around a corner fast enough to get him to fall off and I leave them. The whole time this is happening Lisa is screaming "let her go, she sucks I hope she wrecks fuck you," and on and on and on. It was pretty hilarious.

What makes it extra funny is that Lisa had no recollection of any of this the next day and called me like everything was all fine and dandy. I wanted to punch her ass out. To this day Ben still remembers the day my cousin slapped him in the face. He will not let me forget it. He now thinks I'm a little crazy for being related to her.

So, Lisa's entry submitted by me wins her the first post (also because she is in Reno and I already know she will be in the hospital that day.)

Coming tomorrow Jen and Lindsey! So, Lisa, Jen and Lindsey please send me the emails you use to log in so I can send you an invite to be a guest blogger. Thanks a million!

Not even sure I should admit this

So I'm at work. I called someone and was expecting a call back. I figured I had enough time to pee. I ran to the bathroom and before my ass cheeks hit the seat the phone rang. I just knew it was the person calling me back. Sure enough I hear, "Shannon it is so and so on the phone." So I rush to finish peeing, hurry up and wipe, struggle to force my maternity pants and undies up and run to the phone. The call was quick I hang up and walk back to my own office only to realize there is a drip of pee dripping all the way down my fucking leg! I realize this right as I sit down, so now said pee drip is on my pants. So that means I will spend the rest of the day with pee leg and pants.

I can't even believe I typed this. But now I will not rush so much while wiping. Uggg the things I post for NaBloPoMo!

Tragedy and loss

I'm not even sure how I'm breathing right now. Yesterday my mom brought me home a chocolate cake. The kind from Claim Jumpers. You know the five layer thing that is so chocolaty and good and delicious. I just took two bites of it and I threw it away. Away in the trash I threw it away, it's gone and I can't come to terms with it. I want to dig it out of the trash. What was I thinking? Cake, chocolate cake, gone, in the trash. Think I'm going to pass out. I'm pregnant so I can't even blame it on being drunk and I'm pregnant so dammit I should have eaten the whole fucking one pound slice of cake. It is in a styraphome to go box. Is it wrong if I get it out? No I can't. I can't because I'm part of the tummy tuck club and eating that cake goes against everything. BUT I THREW AWAY CAKE. It is as though I threw away all that I stand for and believe in. I need to sit down, I'm getting light headed. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. For the love of gosh someone please rush to Claim Jumper and get me another piece of fucking cake before I hyperventilate!

It makes me giggle

My husband is a quite man. He doesn't get bothered easily. There are only two times you can annoy him. When he is sick and when he is playing video games. That is why I found Saturday morning so damn funny. Rob is sick. Like real sick. Sad face and blankie and Nyquil and all. We are sitting on the couch talking and suddenly CHIRP! It's then that I see it, the fire in his eyes. Thats right the fire alarm batteries are dying. CHIRP! He's going to lose his mind. He jumps up immediately grabs a chair and a battery and changes it. He sits back down, gets under his blankie puts his lap top back in his lap and turns on the TV CHIRP! I stifle a laugh because clearly this is not funny to him. He says maybe it just takes a second for it to recogize the new battery. I agree. CHIRP! CHIRP! CHIRP! CHIRP! He asks me to go look at it. I tell him I think it is the one in this hall, no maybe its CHIRP! the one in that hall. He gets mad gets two new batteries and changes em both. CHIRP! Oh no wait it was the one in that hall. CHIRP! No babe it's definitely this one. CHIRP! Now I can't even help it I'm laughing my ass off at this point. My husband is turning red and his blood is boiling so bad I can see his skin start to melt off. CHIRP! So he walks over and stares at the fire alarm. I laugh imagining that he is thinking, if I stare at it long enough it will shut the fuck up. CHIRP! I am now at a full on giggle fest and he looks at me and asks me if I think CHIRP! this is funny. I'm laughing so hard Codi is shaking in my belly. CHIRP! He goes stomping around the house and into the bedroom and shuts the door. CHIRP! Only now it sounds as if it is the fire alarm in the laundry room and the hall and the other hall, and in fact my whole house is an alarm. He got so mad he got in his car CHIRP! and drove to two different stores to find new batteries. I won't lie and say while he was gone I didn't want to take a baseball bat to those fucking alarms but as soon as he got home CHIRP! they were back to being hilarious. In the end it was our old batteries and he fixed it, but man that was some funny shit while it was happening!

Bacon

I'm wondering how many nights I can make my husband a dinner involving bacon before his friends report me to the police and say I'm trying to kill him!