COMING CLEAN PART TWO

When I was pregnant with Brandon everything was sooo different. If I bought something for him, I ran right home and washed it in baby Dreft. Then I folded it and put it in his teeny drawers because his room was completed the weekend after I found out he was a boy. I packed and repacked his bag and his drawers and played in his closet and organized until I thought my fingers would fall off. That is why it is so strange that this time around, all of Codi's stuff is in a haphazard pile in my guest room WITH ALL THE TAGS STILL ON.

That is not like me. It is so unlike me to not be already playing with the stuff. However, for some reason, I have this nagging feeling in my mind that although I may carry this pregnancy to term, I just don't get the feeling that in the end I will have a baby. I haven't dreamt about him at all. I just get the strangest feeling about it. It is one of those things that if Codi didn't make it I would say, I somehow knew it all along. However, aside from not taking the tags off the clothes I barely think about this. I concentrate on the good part, and the hope and I try and think that at the end I will have a second perfect little boy.

It is because of this, and the fact that I have actually had problems that I am becoming extremely frustrating reading about a certain person who can't stop hoping that things are alright with their child. Even after being hospitalized and on bed rest I still don't sit here saying over and over and over that I hope this baby is okay and healthy and blah blah blah. I realize that I'm over 20 weeks along whatever is going to happen is done. I hate when people sit there worrying for no reason at all. On top of all of it, they are actually having this terrific normal pregnancy, with a baby that moves often (which is the biggest sign of a healthy baby) and yet they choose to spend their whole pregnancy whining about how they HOPE THINGS ARE OKAY. I am shocked they don't just choose to enjoy it and be happy. Even if they are happy all their blog is conveying is that they are spending the whole time worrying. All I'm thinking is gee, if this person is worried about her PERFECTLY NORMAL pregnancy then how the fuck should I be sitting here feeling right now? Brandon was my first pregnancy. Never once during that pregnancy did I sit there whining I hoped it was okay, instead I chose to tell myself well shit, I have no reason to think otherwise so of course he is okay. He is moving, he is growing and I'm not bleeding so duh it must be good.

It feels like so far all this person has done is complain about not looking pregnant, worrying the baby is okay and find out about the sex. We haven't heard anything at all positive. NOTHING. I would hate to find out something is wrong with their child, but for now, with nothing being wrong it is so frustrating to continuously read blogs asking for reassurance, when honestly I have none to give.

I'm sitting here wasting away on my ass at home, wishing I could be out in my swim suit flaunting my belly and frolicking at Wild Waters or in swimming pools. Wishing I could be down at farmers market enjoying fruit and showing off my big ole belly to my friends, and all I've read from this person, or heard is they are to embarrassed to wear a swimming suit in public. REALLY uggg. If only I could have that option.

Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe I'm being a bitch, but come on, if you haven't gathered from this blog that I am actually a huge bitch yet, then its your own fault for still reading. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. I purposely pushed this person away because it was becoming way to much for me to hear that she was worried about her baby while I'm at home on bed rest and can't even pick up my fucking son when he gets hurt. What am I supposed to say about that? I can only hope that in 5 months when she has this baby she doesn't look back and wish that she had spent more time thinking about the positive and the happy and the miracle of pregnancy. That she won't think to herself, fuck, if only I had enjoyed every single second of this pregnancy, if only I hadn't complained every day as if this pregnancy was the worst thing ever. I know that at least 3 of my friends read her blog and we all walk away wondering, Fuck is she even happy and proud of this pregnancy or is she just wishing something to go wrong so then she can be right? Because that is how it feels. It feels like she is just hoping to find out something is wrong so then she can feel validated in her worries.

It is for this reason, I don't often talk about my fears, about my thoughts that maybe I'll never get to raise Codi. Because no matter what I want to enjoy this pregnancy, I want this baby to be grown stress and worry free. I want him to always feel zen. And most of all in the end I don't want to look back and say, wow I wish I hadn't thought so negatively all the time.

I even have a doctors appointment tomorrow for an ultrasound to check to see if the blood is still there and if I can come fully off bed rest. The funny thing is never once has it come out of my mouth that I hope the baby is okay. Know why, because I feel him moving in there, and I know, that at least for now Codi is fine. If I didnt have another ultrasound the whole pregnancy I would be totally fine because I feel this little guy in there playing soccer with my bladder, and for me that tells me enough right there. It tells me my son is fine!

Yeah sure I write my funny shit about my udders and my pogs, but you all know that I do that for comedy. I do it for my readers. That no matter how jiggly my body gets I know I'm still one sexy bitch. Oh and while I'm talking about my udders and pogs and chicken pocks, today I realized I bear a strong resemblance to that marshmallow man in Ghost Busters, accept I think I might even be whiter then him!

Anyway hit me up and tell me what you think. Am I being a jerk? Or is it okay that I am so extremely frustrated by this person? Either way I know me and a few select friends of mine aren't going to stop feeling this way. As you can see in Stephanies blog, she too feels like maybe some people need to stop and put into perspective how great they've got it, and realize they could be in my shoes right now, or Laineys shoes, or Karlas.

To be like Shannon and do the smart thing

I'm getting in bed after I push publish. Just to make sure I upped my brilliance quotient for the day, I just chugged about 10 oz of water. I am so smart. Don't you all wish you could be this fucking smart like me?

Really though, it isn't easy being this great!

Since I'm keeping a tally and all

So we have discovered I now have udders for boobs, and pogs for nipples, but this just in I NOW HAVE CHICKEN POCK BOOBIES. No, not real chicken pocks. Instead my skin is breaking out so bad all the pimples on my chest look like I have chicken pocks. And since I have a habit of picking everything it looks more like chicken pock scabs. Sooo. To recap, I have udder, poggy nipple chicken pock scab boobs. Fuck, I'm hot!

On the ride to work today

BRANDON MAKE KISSY FACE FOR THE CAMERA

DAMN THAT WAS A LONG RIDE I'M OUT...ZZZZZZZZ

**Disclaimer: The first photo was taken while I was parked at a drive through Starbucks. The second photo was taken in my work parking lot. Sorry Lindsey I'm no Britney Spears, I'm safety mom!

I forgot to add

On my newly found udders....Instead of having my cute little quarter size nipples I now have these huge umm, Pog size nipples. Remember Pogs? I remember pogs, because I'm wearing a pair on my udders!

UDDERLY RIDICULOUS

I was standing in the shower today when I looked up at my little shower caddy and saw a picture of a cows udder staring at me. At first I was baffled. Then I realized that it was in fact my shower mirror pointing down toward my saggy droopy sorry excuse for a left boob. Great. Just great. Now I have cottage cheese thighs, a jiggly fat butt, invisible feet, and cow udders.

From now on just call me mooommy

Some tidbits from my phone

I've been keeping little reminders in my cell phone of things I want to blog about because last week I thought of five pretty funny things and forgot all five.

A few of the things in my phone were things like how I think its funny waddling around with my big ole pregnant belly in the tampon and pad isle at the grocery store. I wonder if people walking by me are as amused as me when they see me with my jumbo pack of panty liners, or if it's all just funny in my head. Not to mention the time it takes me to buy panty liners now. Seriously, when you have been wearing one two months non stop, those plasticy kind start to chaff and rub your skin off. So now I have to scrutinize every pack to find which on claims to be the softest.

Also have you ever tried to explain to your husband that you have an owwy near your girl parts? The panty liners have caused me to have a giant red rash like thing from where my skin has been rubbed raw. Trying to tell my husband that there is anything wrong near my girl parts results in a look of disgust from him, because apparently our girl stuff and all surrounding areas must all look like and be as soft as tulips and never ever ever have problems. So a mental note to me DON'T TELL ROB ABOUT MY PANTY LINER CHAFFING BUSINESS AGAIN!

Maybe I'll stick to telling him how funny I think it is when people try and race me to get in the line at the drive through at Starbucks. My favorite one was friday when this lady was across the entrance to the parking lot and behind a stop sign. I was maybe 7 feet from the drive through she was probably 40+ feet. It was hilarious. She actually tried running the stop sign to get in front of me. I find it amusing that a person can be so impatient they really can't wait for one extra latte to be made. Knuckle heads. Needless to say I totally beat her there. Feeling all nice and stuff and thinking of Emery I decided to pay for her drink. Never mind I don't have money, and she was driving a new Lexus, I thought hey why not. The sucky part though, is I have no way of knowing if she paid for the person behind her. Darnit!

I've been outside playing with Brandon in the water and stuff. That means I'm in my bathing suit. This poses somewhat of a problem. I haven't been able to see my bikini line for a couple weeks now. This means I have no clue if I'm actually accomplishing when I try and shave down there or I've I'm justs shaving a bald spot on my thigh. We went to the lake yesterday, where I was allowed to sit in a chair and watch everyone else have fun. I wouldn't take off my shorts though because I was afraid there would be a wild jungle growing out of both sides of my bathing suit. Speaking of which, my feet, yeah haven't seen them in a while either.

I got Brandon a set of outside paints. Its pretty cool. We got three colors of paint. Brandon now knows, yellow, blue and piglet (pink). We painted my whole patio plus each other. It was sooo much fun. It was supposed to be a birthday present but I got bored and decided we could use them today!

He got me

Wow I'm painting mom

Some toe nail polish perhaps?

See, NO FEET! (Also bathing suit covered in paint)

Brandons first mural!

I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I shake my little touche on the catwalk

He looks like a tiny "burner" huh Jen?

Now shes done lost her mind

THREE TIMES! That is how many times today I've completely forgotten I was pregnant, and looked down and my belly, causing me to be on the verge of tears because, "I can't believe I've gotten this fat!"

It seriously takes a good 18 seconds or so before I realize that no, my waist isn't actually that fat there is a baby in it. Wow. Talk about mental break down!

Somehow calling this post, "Another one bites the dust" doesn't quite seem right!

Is it just me or is EVERYONE pregnant? I feel as if the government is putting something in the water. I mean that has to be the only logical explanation since I got pregnant so easy this time right? Really, right now its as though being pregnant is the new black.

When I started blogging, Jessie at The Happening Cheatwoods was pregnant and due any day. Untangling Knots was having a baby THAT DAY! Then A Mommy Story, Chelle, Mom 101, Swistle, Sweet / Salty, and Zube Girl all went ahead and had some babies as they were pretty far along.

Erin from MoMommy was first to announce her pregnancy. Followed by me. Then came in no order, All & Sundry, Cakerwakers, Julia, Jen, Life is Just so Daily, The Mathers, Scott and Lorie and Frema all announced pregnancies.

Wow that is a lot of links. I think I'm going to deserve a few cookies after this post. Aside from my friends with blogs, I was shocked to find that my friends, Katie, Murissa, and April were also expecting. I heard through the grapevine that a girl I went to school with, no wait, two girls I went to school with Cami and Tylene were pregnant. My husbands friend Frank is having a baby.

Of all these people 3 or 4 are due with in a week or so of me, Jen, Julia, Cakerwakers, Frank and Murissa, so that makes five actually. There are a ton of boys being expected which I think is excellent news.

On top of this huge pile of raging hormones I have two friends currently getting ready to try to get pregnant. This list also doesn't mention the gaggle of other blogs I've linked to from Mom's Daily Dose about other pregnant ladies, or ladies who just gave birth like yesterday.

In fact, MoMommy had her baby yesterday!!!!

I feel bad because I'm sure I'm forgetting some more preggos. If I've forgotten you just drop me a comment that says something like, "hey you whore bag I'm totally knocked up too", or "hey slut muffin remember how I just had that really cute baby you forgot about!" I'll link up to you too!

So counting me, that is like 25 people in the last few months who have had babies or gone and gotten all knocked up like! Now you try and convince me the government isn't putting something in our water!

I knew I would forget some. My husbands best friend and best man Aaron just had a baby, and so did Aarons brother. The count is now 27.

PHATSO PHOTOS WEEK 21ISH now with more cottage cheese and pasteyness

Now this is some serious jelly. Sorry for the booty shorts...they actually made my thighs look less fat, if thats possible.

See these pants make me look like a giant asshole..

My sorry excuse for a bathing suit.