For a vegetarian I sure do make a lot of burgers

The MBACOS burger...Or the mushroom, bacon, avocado, caramilzed onion, swiss burger

For recipe click here

Using my power for evil not good

It's funny when people forget they make me an author on their blog.

This is what happens.

Dear God, why does ramen taste so good?

I'm eating some ramen right now. I'm thinking the same thing I always thing when I eat ramen. "I may be full but I could totally eat 5 packs of this shit right now!" I'm telling you man, this shit is good and I want to eat bag after bag of its processed goodness. At this moment I'm staring at the broth left in my bowl wondering if I would be burned at the stake if I ran and buttered some bread to drown in it and sop up the Msg goodness.

I've been doing so well on my diet this week. However tonight I feel like the cookie monster. I want to devour everything in site. Only, I don't just want cookies, I want EVERYTHING. Yeah, I'm more like the everything monster.

Oh, sorry, I'm back. I was busy swirling my fork in the bottom of my bowl looking for any remaining lone noodles I could slurp up.

I don't feel bad though, ramen is reasonable calorie wise. I'm watching this Oprah 21 day cleanse thing on TV and I am telling myself I could so do that. The point is for 21 days you basically live as a vegan. Okay fine. I can give up my eggs for a month. I can try and give up cheese. But dude, I need my coffee creamer. Then I'm thinking, isn't that powder creamer stuff, non dairy? Thats vegan right? Only then this crazy woman on Oprah says, no alcohol, gluten or sugar. Now I'm thinking what the fuck am I supposed to eat you nut balls? You really want me to give up my Almond M&Ms, and my slow churned frozen yogurt and my bread?

FUCK FUCK FUCK.

And also. No. But, I want to do it. Not to lose weight or anything, just to see if I can. Oprah is having trouble and some twisted part of my head wants to totally kick Oprahs ass at the 21 day cleanse. Hmmm I wonder if my Odwalla bars are vegan? I know my Kind bars are.

Stop the press. I just heard I'm supposed to give up caffeine. Well now I know this bitch has lost her marbles. She's one soy patty away from a burger, with no bun, and no cheese, and no giant steaming cup of coffee on the side.

Back to my Kind bar. They are delicious. However do you know why I bought them? I bought them because I was at Whole Foods late one night and shopping for bars when I saw the Kind bar. I started giggling because, HEE, Kind, you know like Kind Bud. And then suddenly I was 15 and taking a bong hit laughing about how I had the kind bud and before I knew it I was filling my basket with about 15 fruit and nut bars I had never tasted before acting like a stoner with the munchies, only you know, a super health conscious stoner and stuff. See, now at least if I still smoked weed I could have an excuse for why I got fat. It was all the munchies fault. Nope. I have no excuse. It's my fault. That sucks. It's always easier when you can blame the weed right?

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around no caffeine. I just can't seem to groove on that. Not that I can groove at all. I have zero rhythm you know.

I'm rambling huh? Oh well. I'm nursing right now, meaning all intelligence is being sucked out of me. How is it I can spell intelligence right but I fuck up the word nursing? I misspell so many words. Not because I'm stupid, but because I'm dyslexic. With the exception of my blog, I've stopped fixing my errors. If I text you chances are it will look like this.

yeah i'm thrying to type righ tnow mbut i'm haivng some troubles iwth that.

See my problem. Me and spell check, we are like this (crosses two fingers and holds them up to say we are tight man!). Oh and also. I totally don't know the difference between effect and affect. I use them wrong all the time.

I think I've babbled enough. But I'll leave you with this. My son is walking around the house trying to be quiet. So he is tip toeing. Only the being quiet of the tip toeing is totally negated by him saying "tip toe" as he tip toes. So now, my little guy is walking around "whispering" Tit toe Tit toe. Meaning, that I can't be quiet because he is saying Tit toe, and I'm a first grader who thinks hearing the word Tit come out of a two year olds mouth is hilarious!

Sometimes you just need some laughter

giggle from wilddreemer on Vimeo.

Also shush I know I look like a dork.

Results

This is a continuation of this post where I wondered if I should track down my brother and sister.

So after much hemming and hawing I went ahead and tracked my sister down on Myspace. I sent her a short note. I explained who I was, and very nicely let her know I was here if she wanted to make a connection. Here is her reply (SIC):

I know who you are. I'm not sure why you think you need to tell me I'm your "sister". I do not remember who you are. I have gone 18 years without you being in my life and you contacting me doesn't change a thing for me. I really have no interest in this situation. I have 3 brothers and i have a really good life and I dont need the drama of something that doesnt even affect my life. I have an amazing dad and a family that means the world to me, along with a great group of friends and I'm not looking for anybody to reach out and stir things up in my life. Im sorry if you were looking for something else in me, but Im going to please ask you and your family to just let it go and leave me and my brothers alone. If for some reason you and your family dont want to respect my request, you can call my mom. I hope you dont decide to take that path and just let things go. I know what i need to know about my birth father and i dont need to know anything else. I have moved on and i live my own life without the past and want to move on. Im sure this is not what you want to hear, but please respect what i am saying and let it go.

Well. Theres that. I must say, I always expected her to not want a relationship, or feel like we were sisters, however I never expected her to be so hateful. I guess since I will never know what awful things her mom said her, I will never understand why she is was so awful about it all. The saddest part is since she was only 3 she may not remember me but I was old enough to remember her well. I have tons of memories of her. How she used to call Nylons Newlons, or the time she stomped on a Christmas album because we couldn't hear, "Grandma Got Ran Over By A Raindeer," one more time. I remember seeing the video of her moms ultrasound when she was pregnant with Nick, and how our dad was so ridiculously happy because Nick twiddled his food in utero the same way my grandma, dad and myself all did. It is sad she won't ever know how much her dad actually loved her. Or that she had a whole entire family out there who loved her.

More then anything it is sad she wants nothing to do with any of the family. My motto has always been, "You can never have to much family." I guess most people in this world disagree, as proved by the problems going on in my own family now. However, someday when she has kids maybe then she will understand the damage her mom did lying to her so much. She will probably grow up wishing she had more family. At some point I'm sure she will want to know more about who she is. About music she loves, or why she is maybe better at math then English. Why she probably loves animals, and maybe soft batch cookies.

While I am relieved that I don't have to forge some giant relationship with this person, because as I see it I have enough shit going on, I would have loved the opportunity to at least tell her some truth about her family so she could have grown up, knowing she was loved by all of us, that her family wasn't all bad, and that there was actually a lot of positive in her life.

Like I said, mostly I'm sad she was so rude in her letter. Had that been me, I probably wouldn't have tried to make us sisters, but I wouldn't have minded being friends. I guess truth is over rated, and sometimes it seems it is easier living lies.

I did write her back a short note, telling her I was sorry, and that I will respect her wishes, but I'm here if she ever changes her mind. From what I can tell she seems like the person who will simply delete the letter with out reading it. I think I agree with my mom, knowing what I know about her family, I think she is missing out on a great friend, and a chance to meet two really great kids.

Onto bigger and better things now right!

A perfect post

Petra, at Petroville started this thing called the perfect post award. Every month her friends award certain people an award based on one post they wrote for the month.

Last month I wrote this post. I wrote differently when I did this post. I was angry, and upset, and mostly defeated. I didn't edit it, I didn't prethink it, I just wrote. I just opened my blog let out of a flood of emotions and went with it. I was astonished when I got 13 comments (a lot for my little blog I'm longing for the day of 100) because to me, this was just a quick note, a girl jotting down what was on her mind. No humor just raw emotion. I was triple shocked when I signed on this morning to see that Jodifur a long time reader had given me this.
You can follow the button to here, where the award is posted. Thank you Jodi (I call you that even if it isn't right, sorry) . I appreciate it. Your comments and emails that day, and also Devras were a giant huge relief. Sometimes, you just need to know your not alone. So again, thank you.

Codename: Zoey McBooty

I just returned from a lovely dinner out with Ginger. I am pretty sure by the end our waitress wanted to grab a glass of wine, pull up a chair, and pretend like she was just one of the girls. I don't know which part she was interested in more,

Could it have been:
Us talking about Gingers "Fuckbuddy", aka lovermuffin?
Us discussing the fact that this weekend my mom has embarked on a trip to track down the sister who doesn't know I exist?
The part where I exclaimed that I could write a four part series title, "most of my extended family is a piece of shit," under the pseudo name "Zoey McBooty"

Either way we had a lot of laughs. When we were talking about my family, and how most of them really suck great big donkey balls. Thats when I said, fuck, I could write a novel, NO WAIT, a series, a four part series even. One for each of my shitty families. I COULD BE THE NEXT HARRY POTTER SERIES! It was all quite funny and we giggle a lot about it, especially since I had just told her how I totally thought Harry Potter grew up to be quite the tasty treat.

Then we talked about how if I could just convince my parents (pretty much my only family who don't suck giant donkey balls) to move, I would be gone from this town faster then you could say laterfuckers. Everyone keeps giving me a hard time about not leaving my parents. I guess I just have a different relationship with my parents. I'm the type of person who generally doesn't make a decision in life with out telling them. I can't imagine living in another city and not being able to ask my mom every little thing. I also can't imagine having Brandon wake up and ask for papa and not have my dad only 7 minutes away to rush over and get him. That to me, is not an option. I need them, end of story, no I won't move away from them, but I will move with them. I guess some people don't realize that in the ENTIRE history of my life, my mom and my dad are the ONLY two people who have never, ever once EVER turned their back on me, not even for a second, not even for a half a second. And yet people can't understand why I don't just turn my back and walk away. But Ginger got it, she knew, she knows. Ginger knows about me and my parents. In fact, she knows exactly why I am the kind of parent I am. It's all I know. I only know how to parent with out never turning your back on you kid. In fact, I think I'm the same way in my marriage.

We talked about how bad I want to drink. How I want to drink more right now then I have at all in the last 2 years. July will be 2 years. We ordered fondue with white wine and I had to send it back. Not because it tasted bad, but because it tasted so good, I felt myself breaking down thinking, "well shit if I can eat this I might as well order a drink, whats the difference?" It was hard. It is hard right now, laying in bed, and honestly, if I don't write at this very moment, I'm not sure I can stop from going into my fridge and guzzling down the contents of the last bottle of liquor in my house. A bottle of Disorano, because this weekend when we cleared out all my liquor I told my husband, "No, not that one, not that bottle, because dear, if I ever do decide to fall off the wagon, it better taste really fucking good." Actually, I like to keep it to test my will power. Two fucking years I've been staring at that bitch, thats a lot of Goddamn will huh?

We talked about her lovermuffin (as I call him), and discovered that I used to call my cat that. We devised a plan for me to meet said lovermuffin. It felt good. It felt like high school.

It felt.

Like I was sitting there with my best friend. Sometimes I need that. I need a night out with her. With someone so very different from me (okay we both love chocolate and cheese and the food network but still). A night out with someone who just genuinely gets me. I told her how my mom said that if I moved I would lose my friends, and that I responded in a heartbeat that Ginger would come see me. She said I was right, and I knew I was. I know, that no matter where I go in life I can count on that. The crazy part is, we could go months apart and it would be as though I saw her yesterday. We talked about how right now, I'm unhappy with how so much of my family behaves. They don't act like family. They act like characters from The Hills, who are always having bitter, over the top fights over nothing. And how I have never cared until now, when I have kids, and they are affected.

We talked about how when I went into the hospital bleeding during my pregnancy she was the only one who came to see me. She knew, that no matter what I said, I wanted someone there, to just sit. So she did, she came, an sat and watched TV with me. For the rest of my life, I'll never forget that, me in the bed, her in the chair to my left, watching TV, just being with me. There might have also been some talk about pooping with the door open, but still, she was there, and we didn't have to talk. Believe it or not, sometimes I don't want to talk, I just want silence. Just. Quiet.

I've never wanted to run away as much as I do now. And I guess I'm lucky for tonight. I'm lucky I had dinner with Ginger. I looked forward to it all day and it surpassed my expectations. Thats how I've lived life lately, aim low so you're not disappointed, only today I had high hopes for dinner, because I knew who it was with.

On the way home, after I made her listen to Neil Diamond I made her listen to Miley Cyrus. And, like I promised, it got to her, it got in her blood, and before she knew it she was slightly bopping along. And right at that moment, when she said, you can go ahead and go around the block so you can finish blasting your song, even though she might have been late for her date with lover muffin, I knew, it would be okay. It will be. Things will be okay, as long as I always have some time, with a good friend, to drive around the block and blare my awful music while bopping along.

It will be fine. I will be fine. But, I can't promise I will stay in this town forever. And, I can't promise that I won't stop pretending things are okay when there not. I think I'm ready to take on the world.

(Side note, we actually talked a lot more about Ginger but I don't think its stuff that I should tell you since this is not her blog, its mine and it's not my business to tell).

((double side note, I have a sneaking suspicion this blog will get me in trouble, and I don't care, to those of you who want to get mad at me, I say two things, SHUT IT DOWN, and GO FUCK YOUR MOTHER))

Thank you all, and good night.

A deeper issue at hand

While I did state clearly in my title below that my anger was over something stupid there was a deeper issue there. I have every right to expect my waiter/waitress to know their food. As a consumer I have that right.

I have a son who is allergic to peanuts. Severely enough that I have to carry a Jr. Epi with me at all times along with loads of Benydril. My son can die from contact with peanuts. Does it sound like I'm making a big deal out of that, well I'm not. You can tell me it's a big deal when it is your child who is puffing up and swelling and itching and hysterical because they touched one small Reeses pieces to their mouth. Here are two examples of wait staff being incompetent, and a third of people just being ignorant.

1. A few months ago we went to sushi. My son came. We ordered all you can eat sushi, which comes with a salad, rice and tempura vegetables. My son wanted the rice and salad. I told the waitress at least 6 times that he was allergic to peanuts and we couldn't have the salad if it had peanuts. I was clear. She brought out two salads with peanuts on top of them. No where in the menu did it list peanut, it simply said an Asian ginger salad. I was very angry but nicely asked her to remove them. She said she would bring something else. She arrived with a second salad and I calmly asked her if it had any contact with nuts. She said no. I asked her please to double check with the chef. She came back and told me that actually, the dressing was made with peanut oil. Both times she set the plate directly in front of my son with in his reach. He is only 2 he does not yet recognize or understand what peanuts are. This waitress should have known what was in her salads.

2. This past friday I took my son to Ben and Jerrys. I was talking to two servers. I told them I needed their kiddie cone rather then one of their hand dipped cones because some of the dipped ones had peanuts and there could be contamination. He assured me, no no, it is safe. At that exact moment the owner of the store happened to walk out and hear this. He reprimanded both employees for telling me that, showed him that they have a completely separate cone because yes there is in fact contamination. He then advised them that they needed to get a separate scoop out of the back to scoop my sons ice cream because their other scoops are simply dunked in a bowl of water that could also be contaminated. Had he not done that, those servers would have gone on lying to customers. Even one small fragment of a peanut could have harmed my son, and the way the cones are dipped, all the toppings are mixed in the process.

3. A few weeks ago my son and I were visiting a local shop. We stopped in quickly to drop something off to a friend. I left the diaper bag in the car since I would only be a minute. The owner was present. The shop had one of those small candy machines next to the waiting area. My son asked me if he could have some. I replied, no because I know that some times those machines hold peanuts. I know this from last time my son simply touched one of those machines and broke out because one of the dispensers held salted peanuts. The store owner upon hearing me say no, replied, "oh it's okay there is only M&Ms, and Runts in there." I didn't want to chance it. Seconds later my son came to me swelling up, crying and turning red in the face. He had a small M&M shaped candy in his hand. Instantly I knew it was a Reeses piecees and not an M&M. I sprinted to my car grabbed Benadryl and came back to administer it. In the 40 seconds it took to do that Brandons bottom lip was swelling and rock hard and his top lip was beginning to swell. His eyes were swelling because he touched them with the hand that held the candy. It seems after I told Brandon no, he spied a candy on the floor, and being 2 he grabbed it and ate it. I then showed the store owner so he could be aware for the future. He argued with me that it was still an M&M saying he had been eating them all day, and it was him who had dropped the candy on the ground earlier in the day, but was to tired to pick it up. And in fact until he went and got more out of the dispenser and broke them open to see peanut butter in them, he was still holding his ground. That store owner should have known what kind of candy he was selling.

A forth example. My son can not get a flu shot. He was born with an allergy to eggs. There was an 80% chance he would grow out of it, and he is slowly. However when he was 1 year old I took him to his doctor to get his shot. My doctor luckily said, wait, no, he is allergic to eggs. All flu shots are currently bound together with egg white. He can not get a shot until he is over five and has had 3 years of negative results on an egg allergy test. Upon asking other friends I discovered, that most doctors, or nurses did not inquire about allergies before administering flu shots to their kids. As a doctor or nurse, you should know what is in the shot you are administering my child, and you should know to ask.

And while I'm ranting I have a final example. A year ago I went to dinner with one of my close friends who is allergic to most nuts. She asked the waitress if there were nuts in her brownie. The waitress said no. The brownie came my friend took a bite and was met with nuts. My friend inquired on the kind. The waitress replied, they were simply walnuts. My friends throat began to swell, we had to leave our dinner and go buy medicine for her. Later we were told the nuts were packaged in peanut oil. In fact, upon shopping for nuts at the store I've discovered the only brand of nuts with out peanut oil is Blue Diamond Almonds. Nearly every other brand of nut I have picked up, cashews, almonds, macadamia, walnuts, and so on are packaged in peanut oil. That waitress should have known the brownie had nuts, and she should have known they were covered in peanut oil, it says it clearly on their packaging THIS PRODUCT CONTAINS: MILK, WHEAT, PEANUT, TREE NUTS, AND EGG.

I think I have a right in all of these situations to expect my waiter, waitress, or store owner to know their product. It isn't asking to much. However, if they don't know it, rather then answering what they THINK, they should be respectful enough to say, "you know what, lets not chance it, let me ask for sure." Every waitress who has ever replied that way has gotten a lot bigger tip for worrying about my kids safety.

And yes, my rice having chicken stock in it, isn't deadly but its the principal. That waitress has no idea if I have an allergy to meat, or something contained in stock. I am allergic to anything with a pit. Olives, avocados, peaches and so on. If I tell them I can't have olives in something I shouldn't have to say, it could kill me, they should just find out and respect it.

An anonymous person commented on my blog that only 2% of Americans are vegetarians so restaurants shouldn't have to conform. However only 3% of America has peanut allergies, does that mean restaurants shouldn't worry about that either? How about the growing number of children born with other allergies, eggs, milk, soy, and shellfish. Are you going to tell every parent of every child, there are bigger things to worry about then their child's health? I have been a waitress. Before I even had kids and knew about allergies. I always treated customers requests with respect. I asked the chefs, I read labels, and I answered their questions correctly. I don't know about you, but I would hate to be the waitress who didn't find out and served a peanut oil salad to a child with a peanut allergy.

I also feel that until you have kids, and you are met with this situation, you probably don't respect it. You probably would say, then don't take your kids to eat. And that is fine for you to feel that way. However, you should respect my right as a parent to expect a healthy dining experience for my child. Yes anonymous, I made a big deal over my chicken stock, but it was due to an underlying situation with previous frustrations with wait staff. I hope that now you can read and understand, why some people do have to ask questions when they order food. I realize you probably brush me off as a pesky customer asking questions or being picky. You probably think that about a lot of people. However a lot of us have real concerns, real reasons. Will chicken stock make me die? No. Will chicken stock upset my stomach and make me feel sick? Yes. Will a product with soy in it hurt my friend Christy? No. But will it hurt the baby she is nursing? Yes.

Before you take the time to judge all of us picky food requesters maybe you should consider we have a valid reason for our concerns.

I'm mad...over something stupid

I'm mad. It is 7:50 in the morning. My mom is going to be late to work today. DO YOU KNOW WHY? Because she is driving clear up the Mt. Rose Highway for no good reason other then to buy me some ramen.

Yes. You read right.

Ramen.

Did you know that in all of Reno only one store carries vegetarian ramen? Nissin is the only brand that makes a ramen with out meat stock. Their oriental. However, even though every store in Reno stocks the chicken, beef, pork, shrimp, spicy chicken, creamy chicken, and so on, of the Nissin brand, for some reason they choose not to have Oriental. I assume it is because they also all carry the Maruchan brand, and in that brand they carry Oriental. Problem is, the Maruchan oriental ramen has BEEF EXTRACT.

And guess what?

I can taste it!

I've written about this before, but I want to again. I am so frustrated by the lack of vegetarian options. There is never a vegetarian soup option on the menu at restaurants. There is rarely a good cheese selection at sandwich shops. Most pastas, rices and risottos are made with stock, and most salads are now topped with bacon.

And fine. If you want to do that fine. I won't eat at your restaurant. I no longer eat McDonalds because they put beef flavoring in their fries AND hashbrowns. But what really really bugs me, is wait staff who don't fucking have a clue.

Me: Does the Parmesan risotto have meat in it?

Waitperson: No

Me: Can you please check (I don't do this to be a pain I do it as a test of ignorance on their part)

Waitperson: I'll check but I'm pretty sure it doesn't

Waitperson: I asked the chef and it only has chicken stock in it

Me: Yeah thats meat, thanks I'll just have a plain salad and some crackers.

It bugs me. It bothers me how a person can work in a restaurant and sell food and not know what the fuck they were selling. Don't try and fool me. Respect your customer and tell them the truth. Do you think I won't be able to taste the chicken, beef, or bacon in my meal? I don't like meat, thats why I don't eat it. It taste funny, looks funny, and smells funny. Kinda like dog shit. Are you going to tell me you wouldn't be able to taste and smell some dog shit in your rice? Ha. I'm sure you have all been trained so well to think that dog shit is a fucking delicacy. You know what? I have a good palate I know what is in my food. Dammit I should be on Hells Kitchen, I would kill that competition every time.

Do you watch that show? How about the episode where all those amazing chefs couldn't tell every fucking meal was made out of soy based meat product with NO MEAT! Are you serious? Is that what our world has come to? You tell us it's beef and we believe it's beef. YOU are the reason those people in Mexico selling cat on a stick and calling it chicken are still in business.

This weekend my dad and I were joking about the squirrels in my back yard. He was hungry and said he would eat some squirrel. I said, "I heard it taste like chicken". He replied, "No, chicken taste like chicken, squirrel taste like squirrel."

I wanted to kiss him right there because dammit, I'm so sick of hearing that shit taste like chicken!

And. While I'm bitching and moaning here, if I come in your restaurant and I order a fucking vegetarian taco, and you throw my tortilla on the grill you grill the chicken on YOU HAVE JUST RUINED MY ENTIRE MEAL! You fucking idiot, do you not think the tortilla doesn't now taste like nasty raunchy chicken? I've had to walk away from so many meals because something was messed up like that. It's just ignorance in the world of cooking. Pure stupidity, and also, it is just plain rude. Places like Tin Star grill, who prided themselves in having a vast vegetarian menu with tons of options, mushrooms, two kinds of beans, sautéed vegetables and so on, then they slapped my tortilla on the chicken grill.

I have one statement to make. I realize all cities aren't as fucking stupid as mine. I know places in Oregon and Washington offer real vegetarian food. Shit, they offer real cooked food from scratch (whole other rant). So yes, I realize not everyone has my gripe. I know some of you live in towns where people pride themselves on their food. I don't. I live in a town whose famous food is "the buffet." New York has pizza, Maine has lobster, Reno has buffet. We are a speedy, slap happy, poor quality kind of town and I hate it. I'm sick of it.

I would love to write a letter to my local editor asking our restaurant owners to wake up and make some good food, but, I'm not even sure the people in this town slow down long enough to read a paper.

Dammit, I just want some good food, that I don't always have to cook myself, is that to much to ask?

The Memory Keepers Daughter ** Spoiler Alert**

I've always loved to read. Since I was little. Until having kids I used to go through at least a book a week. Reading to me, was a great way to escape my own little reality for a while, and jump into something else. It was my way of having at least one happy ending a week. While I haven't gotten to read near as much since having kids, I have made an effort to keep reading as much as possible. When picking books I research them. I read reviews, I think on it, and of course, I look at the cover (duh). I would have to say, this is the first book I've been utterly disappointed in.

I really don't know how to describe it. The book was well written, it was a page turner, but, it was bad. The background of the story is, in 1964 a doctor delivers his twins. One is born mentally retarded and one is normal. He gives away the mentally retarded one and tells his wife the baby died. The remainder of the book, is basically the demise of the husband and wives relationship as she copes with the loss of her daughter and he copes with the magnitude of his lie. It is obvious that at some point the wife will find out he lied. That is where my disappointment lies. It took to long to find out. One major even happens before she finds out, and I feel as though, the author took to long. However, it is apparent that had the author not dragged out the reveal of the secret there would be no book.

My biggest beef of all, is the entire book is depressing. Even when the secret is revealed, it is depressing, when the mom and baby reunite, it is depressing, there is an air of sadness, there is no joyous moment, no time where I wanted to leap with joy. Even down to the last words I found the book depressing. I don't want to reveal all the events, or the ending, I'll just say I was sad the whole book. That is normally fine. Being sad is usually fine, because the author usually leaves you with some kind of overly happy ending, that you are left smiling through the tears. You are left knowing all the sadness was worth it. While this book is a page turner, I only turned the pages hoping that I would be uplifted soon. Waiting for the bait, something to lure me back in and make me say, "see it's not all bad." But it was all bad. Bad, bad, sad, depressing!

I guess that when I'm trying to take a break from the terrible things in my own life, and my own depression I'd rather not read a book that brings me down further and leaves me down. I can't decide if I recommend this book or not. Like I said, it was very well written, the author obviously has a gift, I just wish I would have walked away feeling less like jumping off a cliff and more like jumping for joy.