This is a continuation of this post where I wondered if I should track down my brother and sister.
So after much hemming and hawing I went ahead and tracked my sister down on Myspace. I sent her a short note. I explained who I was, and very nicely let her know I was here if she wanted to make a connection. Here is her reply (SIC):
I know who you are. I'm not sure why you think you need to tell me I'm your "sister". I do not remember who you are. I have gone 18 years without you being in my life and you contacting me doesn't change a thing for me. I really have no interest in this situation. I have 3 brothers and i have a really good life and I dont need the drama of something that doesnt even affect my life. I have an amazing dad and a family that means the world to me, along with a great group of friends and I'm not looking for anybody to reach out and stir things up in my life. Im sorry if you were looking for something else in me, but Im going to please ask you and your family to just let it go and leave me and my brothers alone. If for some reason you and your family dont want to respect my request, you can call my mom. I hope you dont decide to take that path and just let things go. I know what i need to know about my birth father and i dont need to know anything else. I have moved on and i live my own life without the past and want to move on. Im sure this is not what you want to hear, but please respect what i am saying and let it go.
Well. Theres that. I must say, I always expected her to not want a relationship, or feel like we were sisters, however I never expected her to be so hateful. I guess since I will never know what awful things her mom said her, I will never understand why she is was so awful about it all. The saddest part is since she was only 3 she may not remember me but I was old enough to remember her well. I have tons of memories of her. How she used to call Nylons Newlons, or the time she stomped on a Christmas album because we couldn't hear, "Grandma Got Ran Over By A Raindeer," one more time. I remember seeing the video of her moms ultrasound when she was pregnant with Nick, and how our dad was so ridiculously happy because Nick twiddled his food in utero the same way my grandma, dad and myself all did. It is sad she won't ever know how much her dad actually loved her. Or that she had a whole entire family out there who loved her.
More then anything it is sad she wants nothing to do with any of the family. My motto has always been, "You can never have to much family." I guess most people in this world disagree, as proved by the problems going on in my own family now. However, someday when she has kids maybe then she will understand the damage her mom did lying to her so much. She will probably grow up wishing she had more family. At some point I'm sure she will want to know more about who she is. About music she loves, or why she is maybe better at math then English. Why she probably loves animals, and maybe soft batch cookies.
While I am relieved that I don't have to forge some giant relationship with this person, because as I see it I have enough shit going on, I would have loved the opportunity to at least tell her some truth about her family so she could have grown up, knowing she was loved by all of us, that her family wasn't all bad, and that there was actually a lot of positive in her life.
Like I said, mostly I'm sad she was so rude in her letter. Had that been me, I probably wouldn't have tried to make us sisters, but I wouldn't have minded being friends. I guess truth is over rated, and sometimes it seems it is easier living lies.
I did write her back a short note, telling her I was sorry, and that I will respect her wishes, but I'm here if she ever changes her mind. From what I can tell she seems like the person who will simply delete the letter with out reading it. I think I agree with my mom, knowing what I know about her family, I think she is missing out on a great friend, and a chance to meet two really great kids.
Onto bigger and better things now right!
6.02.2008
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11 comments:
I'm sorry that she has decided that she doesn't want a relationship. At least you made an effort and so it isn't hanging over your head anymore. XO!
I am sorry too ~ that she didn't even want to meet you and I can't understand why she had to be so rude!!!!
As you said ~ onto bigger and better things!!
Take care,
Hugs ~ Tabitha XX
I don't know how I missed your first post about your brother and sister.
I guess people deal with things differently. You put the ball in her court the next move is hers. I have a feeling when she gets a little older she may change her mind about things.
I'm so sorry. That message that was sent to you was awful. And if she is that angry and negative, it is best that she doesn't become a part of your life or the boys...at least unless she can get over it. You are the bigger person. I'm here if you need anything. I think it was awesome that you reached out. It take a big person to do that and a coward to hide.
xoxox
Wow. Well...she is really young. Maybe someday she will grow up gain some tact. And maybe she will also realize that you are worth having a relationship with...
people do handle things so differently. sometimes after time, people just become indifferent and callus. it's unfortch that people are too close minded to consider that a good relationship could come out of it. Sometimes people can't grow up enough to be mature and compassionate to a sensitive subject.
Wow I must agree that it was a bit on the harsh side! She could have simply said thanks for the contact, but she didn't feel the need to be "sisters". Maybe you could have kept up friendly chat, but geez...no need for the harsh words!! At least you will no longer have to wonder about the what ifs...
It is sad that one day she will regret that decision. Life is just too short and god knows my family knows how to hold grudges and they just aren't worth it. I hope you know that it so isn't about you. **hugs**
Ok, this is something my husband has gone through for years: to save on all the long, drawn-out details... Zach's Birth-Mother gave Zach up when he was 5, and Zach has not seen her since he was like 10-ish... Zach wants nothing to do with her, at all... she is basically dead to him. To him, she is a horrible person - This has been extremely difficult for me to deal with, because I have never had to deal with messy divorces, step children, etc... until I got married and so all I know is to be a supportive wife - I just support him in his decision and never have encouraged anything between them, as he simply will not have it.
2 years ago, she tried contacting Zach by mail, and to stop her from trying to talk to Zach, he replied by mail with a letter very similar to what your sister said... and that was the end of it. Zach wants absolutely nothing to do with her, ever, and he made that very clear from an early age in his life. Now, I know different circumstances - but it is interesting to see the perspective from the receiving end; opposite from Zach's end... Thanks for sharing...
I think most of how she feels has to do with what was said about your part of the family to her by an evil party; to me it seems that way in my situation...
she doesn't have children yet, does she?
Because you are my friend and I know your honest good intentions in reaching out to her, I am truly sorry at the response you got from her.
From my own experiences half siblings, I can see your point of view but I can also see hers. It is ashame that sometimes we can feel closer to complete strangers than to another person who shares a blood tie. But then again there is a beauty in that as well.
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