Silly Jen

As you know both Jen and I are pregnant. The last couple weeks we exchanged baby presents. I sent mine via Babies R Us. Jen did too but she also sent me something that she (her husband) packaged and shipped herself (himself). Again, I want to mention we are pregnant. Anyway, since I'm lazy the box is still sitting on my counter. This morning I was pouring myself a glass of milk when I looked over at the box and was set into a fit of giggles. Jen mailed me my BABY gift in a box labeled SHOT GLASSES! Can I just tell you how funny I find this! HAHAHAHAHA I love it. It is so fitting for Jen and I. I'm just glad you don't have to tell the mail people why your sending stuff. I can see it now, yes sir these here shot glasses are a gift for my very pregnant friend, she will need them once she has two boys, one hitting her with a stick and one peeing in her eye.

Jen thanks for the laugh at 6am this morn!

Ummmmm

If you search this, you get my blog...



my cousin fucked me when i was little


Well then!

Ode to my big ass REVISED

My boobs are leaking some sort of goo
the veins in them are suddenly big and blue

I think my scale must be broken
I haven't gained that much you've got to be joken

When I walk I waddle like a duck
Ask me if I care I don't give a fuck

All I do is fart fart fart
Greasy foods are the way to my heart

Brownies fill me up with joy
This is one hungry little boy

One bite of food makes me stuffed
My ass looks like its been puffed and fluffed

I've got cottage cheese all over the place
And enough grease to make fries on my face

Every time I leak I think I'm bleeding
At least my two year old is done teething

I'm cleaning poopy diapers up to my ears
The smell makes my eyes fill with tears

My pants don't quite fit
My new boobs are a real hit

He's squeezing my colon and my bladder
While typing this I just got fatter

I haven't seen my feet in a while
My dirty clothes just sit there in a pile

I have a stretch mark, there, there and there,
And down below I could probably braid the hair

My bra can't contain my breasts
I laugh in the face of bed rest

Nesting is in full swing
I am lucky I still fit my wedding ring

I pee all night and all day
Its been so long since I've had a lay

Somehow chocolate will always win
Eating healthy is now a mortal sin

My shoes no longer have laces
With my two chins you would expect two faces

Every time I sneeze I pee
I'm big and grumpy don't mess with me

My back aches and my knees are shot
I like to strut my stuff and pretend I'm hot

My ass has it's own zip code
Seems my sons diaper always has a load

Not sure how I'm going to handle two
This will all be so new

Heartburn gets me to no end
Tums and Mylanta are my new best friend

My hair looks like an oil pit
It takes me five minutes just to sit

I can't lay on my right side
My ass and belly are quite wide

I've turned into quite a bitch
My belly stretching is making it itch

I'm leaking out from down there
My husbands still skinny its not really fair

It seems I fart all day long
My ass right now would eat a thong

I can't wait until the end
And my scars are all on the mend

And I have a beautiful little boy
That my other son will think is a toy

Having two will finally put me in my place
And if I'm thirsty I'll open my mouth while this one pees in my face!

IN WHICH I LOSE THE RESPECT OF THE ENTIRE BLOGGING COMMUNITY

I'm sitting here at work right now listening to my trusty Itunes on my trusty Mac. What am I listening to? My girlfriend of course. Miss Britney Spears. Her new song I LOVE IT!!!! I LOVE IT IN CAPS, AND BOLD WITH EXCLAMATION POINTS AND A LITTLE AIR KISS!!!!! Yeah I know. Your sitting there right now saying, Really Shannon, Britney. YES BRITNEY! I love her. I don't care if shes totally being a shit head right now, who in the fuck knows what I would do if I was suddenly handed bajillions of dollars to just piss away! Pretty sure I would walk around naked and tell you all to SUCK IT!

So not only am I listening but I'm dancing. I'm doing what I call the Shannon Bop. If I was brave I would video tape this shit, because it is, well, classic. I'm sitting in my chair, and first starts the head bop. It sort of looks like a bobble head but with less control. Then before you know it I kind of start bopping my other half, my shoulders start going up and down and the next thing I know my head is moving forward and back kind of like a goose. My feet start tapping and suddenly I start trying to wiggle my ass while it is still in my work chair. This results in my chair kind of slipping back and forth while I'm bobble goose heading with my shoulders moving up and down sort of the way Tiffany and Debbie Gibson used to do. Then I try and find some rhythm and it kind of looks the way a cooked asparagus looks in between your two fingers while you jiggle it around.

Lucky we aren't in the car or there would be some massive air drumming going on and ultra sexy drummer faces happening.

Ha ha now how is this for a post to delurk on huh. I mean what can you really say to this besides, Shannon you fucking moron!

SOMETIMES I LIKE TO MAKE MYSELF CRY

TO ME HE STILL LOOKS LIKE THE FIRST PICTURE!

DE LURK DE LURK

I guess it has been a year or so since I started blogging. I remember last year reading Amalahs blog when she wrote about national delurkers week. I was like wow this is so cool, next year I totally can't wait to post this on my own blog YAY! So the time has come around again, to delurk and let us all know you are there. Run and delurk yourself in honor of delurker day!

This years button was made by Schmutzie!

Responses again

Kat- he really really ate paper. He had paper rolled up all over in his mouth and stuck to his tongue and pieces of paper in his vomit. He is such a dork.

Mrs Grumpy- Yeah, you have a total pass on everything right now. So if you want to eat cookies in your bed in your jammies while rolling in ice cream that is fine by me! I'm thinking of you every day!

Swistle- Come on now, I think we have already totally discovered I'm a huge judgemental asshole haven't we. Of course all of my reasons were negative, its because I'm always thinking the worst. Gosh....I know you know me better than this right now, I'm really quite a huge bitch! But I absolutely love that you were the only one to call me out and tell me I was being an asshole!

Coffee Slut- Your name is still cracking my ass up. Okay, I kind of understand the whole wanting to eat in peace thing. I'll let you guys slide on that, maybe the reason I didn't think of that, is that I'm constantly surrounded by chaos so silence scares me!

Kat again- Your husband sets the table...you whore! How do I teach mine!

Jen- In the words of my boyfriend Justin Timeberlake, if you don't like my crush then please, "Cry me a river, Cry me a river!!!!"

Also, update on my product review: The apple oatmeal is awesome. At first I was worried because it smelled so sweet. But then I took a taste and it was again subtle and satisfying. It tasted almost like a baked apple but a very healthy one. I loved it and recommend this flavor too.

Yay it is that time of year again

I guess it has been a year or so since I started blogging. I remember last year reading Amalahs blog when she wrote about national delurkers week. I was like wow this is so cool, next year I totally can't wait to post this on my own blog YAY! So the time has come around again, to delurk and let us all know you are there. Run and delurk yourself in honor of delurker day!

This years button was made by Schmutzie!

Above and beyond proof he is mine

All day Brandon has been requesting birfday cake. I have no cake so I basically ignore him. Just now we were going through the mail at work when he noticed an ad for Baskin Robins. He grabbed it and screamed BIRFDAY CAKE!!!!! In bold with exclamation points. Then he proceeded to take a huge bite out of the ad and try to eat the paper cake. We told him no, so he took off running sat on the floor, took a huge chunk out of a photo of a sundae then shoved his ad under his butt to avoid us stealing it. After trying to swallow about three bites he finally threw up. I said Brandon did you throw up.

His reply, "Yeah I frow up eye cream!" How desperate he must be to be eating paper ice cream!

MIND BOGGLING

Often times I write something that offends at least one person. This is one of those times that inevitably I will offend or piss off at least one person.

There is something I've never understood. Well two things. The first one is eating in your car. I don't get this. I just went to grab some lunch for my boss. I went to a drive through and while I was leaving I noticed the car in front of me, pull forward, park and eat their food in their car????? Why? Why if you have time to leave work and get food, and even sit and eat it, would you not go inside the place and eat? I've never understood it. Back in the day when my cousin worked for me we used to take our lunch and drive to our neighborhood park and eat it. However we would get out of the car, walk over to the little table and sit and eat it. On days the weather sucked we would get our food, or pack it and at least make sure we went into the back and sat at the break room to eat. I honestly can't understand when I drive by a park and see people who took the time, on a sunny warm day to drive there and then choose to sit in their cars and eat! WHY? I also don't understand eating and driving. I have never been that person who can just grab a burger and eat while I drive. NO! I may eat a few fries but I always go and sit somewhere.

So explain to me, why on earth do you go get fast food, drive through and then choose to park and eat in your car rather then eating inside? Are you embarrassed to be eating there, ashamed of how you look shy???? What is it?

The second thing I don't get is not eating at the table at your house. I've never been that person who eats their meal at the coffee table, or the counter or in my bed. I eat at the table. My husband and son do to. The ONLY two exceptions to this rule are eating a bowl of ice cream on the couch or when I am sick SOMETIMES I will eat at the couch but even then I drag my lazy ass up off the couch and eat at the table. My family used to eat at the table sometimes, the living room sometimes and then sometimes in separate rooms. I hated that. At my house we usually turn off the TV, turn on some music and sit and eat. Also we all stay at the table until we are ALL done. I can't understand why you would sit at your coffee table and eat. Or why a family wouldn't sit down and eat. Even if my husband and I are eating alone we still go sit at the table. And 90% of the time if my husband is eating and I'm not, like at lunch or a late dinner, I still come to the table, sit down and talk with him. I hate that we have become a society where sitting down as a family is no longer important. Even if we grab Taco Bell we still come and eat at our table. Breakfast, lunch or dinner. Even snacks. Even if I am sitting and having some chips and salsa I go sit at my dining room table. Hence the word DINING room

I just wish I could understand people who can't take the time to eat their lunch at a table or a park or anywhere but their car. I don't understand families not eating together. Are you eating in your car because the act of getting out and walking the ten steps in and ten steps out is to much activity for you? Are you eating in your car because you are ashamed at your food choice? Please, please explain this stuff to me, because I really really don't get it!