Tales of a Misguided Mommy

9.19.2007

An open letter to my OBGYN

Dear Dr!

Re: my enormous weight gain

As I have been trying to explain all along it is not my fault I have put on nearly 30 pounds (and by nearly of course I mean more then 30). I explained to you how in the beginning I didn't gain any weight because I was practicing my new healthy life style. Then I explained how being put on bed rest with nothing better to do but sit on the couch and eat contributed to at least 15 of my pounds. Next I explained that you forbidding me to do any sort of aerobic exercise after my bed rest probably didn't help either.

HOWEVER! Today I have full blow proof that this weight gain is not in fact my fault and can be blamed totally on other people. I just went to Marie Calenders to get myself a nice healthy salad bar lunch and to get three pieces of pie for myself and two of my employees. Upon arriving and making my to go order I was informed that 3 slices of CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE would cost me $12.99. I was then informed that if I chose to purchase an entire CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE it would only cost me $10.99. I explained to the cashier that I am pregnant and any uneaten pie would be left in my hands, leaving me soley responsible for making sure it didn't go to waste. He kindly told me that fine if I wanted only three slices of pie and I wanted to waste money that was fine by him.

Being the rational, money sensible girl I am I of course chose to buy the ENTIRE CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE. Not wanting to waste $3.00 after all. I figured I could use that $3.00 toward the remainder of my bill in your office. So, now you can understand why if I come to your office next week and have put on another 8 pounds IT IS CLEARLY NOT MY FAULT, the world is sabotaging me!

Also, considering I have such a large belly now, and do not have nearly enough room to eat and then walk comfortably I would greatly appreciate if you could please give me a wheel chair. That way on days that I fill up on pie I can simply roll myself out of my work rather then wadding and groaning like a huge pain in the ass. I am sure that you would agree that providing me a wheel chair is much safer on my fragile body then making me walk around with a whole chocolate pie and an entire baby in my belly!

Love your patient
Shannon

P.S. The fact that my salad bar came with a cup of rich, thick, and creamy potato soup with a thick slab of corn bread covered in honey butter, was also not my fault. I simply went there for the salad. Also since the soup and corn bread would go bad faster the salad you can probably understand why I chose to eat those first, followed by the slice of pie and nicely store the salad in the refrigerator for later!

Mission still not fucking acomplished

Hey you, look over there to the right. See that nifty little count down thing there. Yeah that one, the blue one. Okay now read it. It's okay pick up your jaw, I'm know I'm shocked too that I'm going to have a baby in exactly two fucking months AND I STILL DON'T HAVE A GODDAMN FUCKING DIAPER BAG! So heres the final verdict. I need a bag and I need it soon. Seriously people I only have two months to unpack and repack and unpack and repack and two months is not nearly enough time!!! We are in crisis mode people.

So I was orginally going to buy this bag by Fleurville. First and formost its pretty. Which come on is very very important right. It has a lot of features and looks great on a stroller. But lets be realistic people this bag is just not big enough for all the junk I need to pack. The most important thing is that I need a matching medicine kit becuase I have to carry a full size bottle of Benadryl, and an epi at all times (stupid peanut allergies), plus infant tylenol, childrens Tylenol, Motrin and so on, and about 49830258 bajillion droppers because each thing has to be measured just right and Benadryl apparantly thinks that bottling their stuff with the same amount of active ingredient each time is just tooo fucking simple. Sooo I need a dropper that can covnert to 5ml and that works in Tsp and one that can figure out how much 25 ml is so I can convert that down to 5ml and oh my fuck do I fucking hate peanut allergies. Okay back to the important part here. THE BAG. Anyway after finding a medicine bag big enough to accommodate all that plus clippers, and thermometers and stuff, that barely leaves room for two different sets of diapers and a change of clothes (or two because my babies tend to blow up their diaper with each poop) well there is just not enough room in this bag. Sooo by by pretty bag.

SEEE LOOK HOW PRETTY AND SHINY AND WASHABLE I AM, TO BAD I'M A TINY LITTLE WHORE AND SHANNON CAN'T FIT ALL HER GOODIES IN ME.

You should also know that I want a bag that has a messenger strap but does not have one of those stupid messenger flaps that comes over the bag because i need to be able to just reach right in and pull out what I need you know. I need separate pockets for each size diaper, and space for my nick nacks and basically I'm just being a picky little bitch about my bag.

Enter the Ju Ju Be bag. Its ugly as shit, but wait, scroll down look at all those features. One of the neatest ones is I can make it zip all the way shut or adjust the zippers so the top stays open like I like. I can have tote straps, a messenger strap or stroller straps and it is all included. Go ahead and read about it down there k.

Look this description alone just screams out THIS BAG IS FOR YOU SHANNON. Two kids even...Wow!

OOoooo features.

But oh my gosh people look how wide this bag opens up. all the pockets and trinkets and stuff. Oooooooooo!

Then I will be buying the snack pack featured here for my medicine bag. It matches, plus it is tall enough to keep all the full medicine bottles upright, fit the epi pen and keep all the droppers in a neat clean area.

Soo what do you think. Do I ignore the fact that it isn't very pretty and pay attention to the fact the it's features give me a tiny baby bag orgasm or do I go for the pretty bag that is just going to piss me off in the end? Hmmmmmm?

Also, I've looked at all the other bags on the Fleurville site, the O Yikes, the skip hop (barf) and so on. If you are going to suggest something it better be able to beat this bag in size and features. It has to be at least 15 inches wide and at least a food tall, and it has to have a wide opening, no flappy thingies and lots of pockets. Good luck happy hunting.

9.18.2007

For the sake of argument

Last night while I was peacfully relaxing in the bath my husband decides to tell me he isn't sure that Codi's name should be Codi.

WHAT THE FUCK

I jolted up and said, boy have you got one hell of a fight coming. Because this kids name is Codi. You know what he thinks Codi's name is???

Hmmm do ya?

Aiden.

Huh. That fruit cake from Sex in the City, Aiden, what. Ummm no.

Thats it, the only name he can come up with to replace Codi is Aiden. Uh huh, NO. His rational is that Aiden means little fire or some bullshit and since CODI has been kicking me so hard it literally makes me want to cry lately he thinks the name sounds fitting.

So for arguments sake, what do you all think. Should Codi's name be CODI or should it be Aiden :(

9.17.2007

Hard core proof..no blood test required

I'm not sure I've ever mentioned my husbands love of fast food restaurant condiment hot sauce on here before. To make it simple he really loves hot sauce, loves it more then I love chocolate. What this means is if we go to somewhere like Taco Bell or Jack in the Box (for their tacos) I have to ask for a lot of sauce. Then I have to explain to the cashier that no in fact that isn't a lot I need A LOT. In fact he likes it so much this once prompted me to drive to every Jack in the Box in Reno and ask for hot sauce for two days in a row, then shove them all in little plastic Easter eggs for my husbands easter basket. Really people you should have seen the boner he got off all those eggs (and that was before he got to the eggs with free lap dances from his favorite strip club). It also means that if I go somewhere like KFC who sometimes leaves their sauce out I have to immediately steal all the sauce, then go ask them to refill it, steal the rest and run like hell. I probably shouldn't even mention the time we walked into Taco Bell and Rob was drunk and I happened to mention that there was an entire box of mild sauce sitting right over there and before I knew it my drunk ass husband was kicking the box ever so discreetly right out to his car. That fucking box lived in my kitchen for months before he finished it all, AND YES HE FINISHED IT ALL.

Why so much sauce you ask? Well because silly, of course you need one whole sauce packet PER BITE!!!! What he does is squirt some sauce on the bite, take the bite then put the packet in his mouth and sucks out the rest of the sauce to finish his bite. This shit grosses me out to no end. I find it hard to believe as one packet of sauce can last me an entire meal. Now, when he orders something like a Mexican Pizza from Taco Bell that is when the horror show really begins. He opens no less then 24 packets and squeezes them all out over the pizza to the point that there is approximately a half inch of sauce in the little box and his pizza is floating (do me a favor ask my friends I do not exaggerate even a little when I tell you these things). In fact he puts so much sauce on the Mexican pizza he has to eat the fucker with a spoon since a fork will allow the sauce to run through the tines.

In case this isn't bad enough, there was actually a time when I had to pay the guy at KFC $5.00 for a bag filled to the top with sauce just to satisfy my husbands need for two sauces per little teeny tiny chicken wing.

Sooooo that being said, just now when Brandon picked up a pack of Taco Bell sauce (because yes we do have that just lying around our house, now I'll thank you kindly to shut the hell up about it) tore open the top and sucked out the entire contents then looked at it and sucked some more...it became crystal clear...we don't need any fancy DNA testing here...this kid belongs to my husband with out a doubt!

DONT FORGET

I STILL UPDATE THE SHANNON AND ROB STORY...THE LINK IS DOWN THERE ON MY LINKS CALLED MAKING LOVE AND A BABY CHECK IT OUT

ME N K.

THIS IS MY K....WE WERE SO CUTE BACK THEN

THE DAY K. GOT BACK FROM HIS LITTLE VACATION IN HIGH SCHOOL...I SERIOUSLY LOST MY SHIT THIS DAY BECAUSE K. HAD JUST TOUCHED ME

JUST SITTING AT MY HOUSE WATCHING TV

DICKING AROUND IN MY ROOM...HE LET ME WEAR HIS HAT...WHICH YOU KNOW IN HIGH SCHOOL WAS HUUUUGE

YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WE WERE NOTHING MORE THAN FUCK BUDDIES HUH

I'VE ALWAYS HAD A THING FOR GUYS IN CARHARTS...I HAVE SOOO MANY MORE PICTURES BUT I WOULD HAVE TO DO WAY MORE DIGGING FOR THOSE...BUT HERE YOU GO, ME N K. BACK WHEN IT ALL BEGAN

TAKING KATIE DOWN WITH ME....SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS SAFE

THIS WAS THE DAY WE BOUGHT TWO SENIORS AND DRESSED EM UP IN DIAPERS LATER

RIGHT AFTER WE GRADUATED FROM 8TH GRADE

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON'T ASK WHY GINGER HAS LOTION...WE MAY NEVER KNOW...BUT BOY WERE WE DRUNK ON TIA MARIAS

AWWW KATIE DATED THIS GUY

CAMPING AT MT LASSEN....DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER THOSE NEW YORK SELTZERS MMMMM

KATIE WITH HER LONG HAIR

NO CLUE

THINKING WE WERE SEXY WITH OUR APPLE JUICE

DOING HER HAIR BEFORE A SCHOOL DANCE

WE HAVE BEEN FRIENDS FOR SOOO LONG

KATIE HAS BEEN DYING TO HAVE A COPY OF THIS PICTURE...HERE YOU GO KATIE I DUG IT OUT FOR YOU THIS WEEKEND JUST SPECIAL

SENIOR PICTURES

ONE OF THE SENIORS WE BOUGHT...KATIE HAD THE HUGGGGGEST CRUSH ON THIS GUY...HE DOES IT IN A DUCK BLIND AND SERIOUSLY IF ANYONE CAN TELL US WTF A DUCK BLIND IS YOUR'RE OUR HERO

GETTING GLAMMED UP BEFORE K. AND ROY CAME OVER

MATCHY MATCHY

PROOF!!!!! I KNOW JEN IN REAL LIFE

SO MY HUSBAND KEEPS TELLING ME THAT JEN IS ONE OF MY IMAGINARY BLOG FRIENDS THAT I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY MET IN REAL LIFE...SO HERE..PROOF I REALLY DO KNOW JEN IN REAL LIFE

LUNCH AT RALEYS...I THINK THAT IS AARON, MATT AND DEETER ON HER TRUCK...

PROM NIGHT..I PURPOSELY DIDN'T POST THE PICS OF THE GUYS BECAUSE JEN WENT WITH A SCHMUCK

THIS IS THE CHADDERMAN THAT JEN BLOGS ABOUT IN ONE OF HER CRAZY LOVE STORIES

MORE OF PROM...MY GOSH WE WERE SUCH PRINCESSES..TIERRAS AND ALL.

PHATSO PHOTOS WEEK 30 AKA I LOVE MY BELLAY

FROM THE LEFT IN THE WHITE SHIRT

CLOSE UP

OOOH LOOK YOU CAN'T EVEN TELL I'M PREGNANT (SNORT GIGGLE)

NOW WITH MY YELLOW SHIRT GETTING READY FOR WORK

UMMM OKAY MAYBE YOU CAN TELL..

OH LOOK, I WOULD TOTALLY DO A FABULOUS FULL BODY LOOK AT MY SEXY MAMA OUTFIT SHOT FOR YOU...

BUT I CAN'T...DO YOU SEE WHY? NO HANG ON LEMME GET CLOSER

NO MATTER HOW MUCH I CLEAN IT, A CERTAIN SOMEONE WON'T STOP MAKING OUT WITH HIMSELF IN THE MIRROR THUS TOTALLY KILLING A FULL BODY SHOT

KNOW WHAT IS SPECIAL ABOUT THESE SHOES? I JUST RECENTLY ACQUIRED THE LEFT ONE. KNOW WHY???? BECAUSE WHEN WE MOVED HERE MY HUSBAND PACKED THE LAST STUFF IN THE HOUSE. WHICH MEANS THREE OR FOUR PAIRS OF MY SHOES GOT PACKED WITH THE LEFT ONE IN ONE BOX AND THE RIGHT ONE IN ANOTHER. SOOO FOR TWO YEARS NOW I'VE BEEN STARING LONGINGLY AT MY RIGHT SHOES WISHING I HAD THE LEFT ONE.

BUT THEN!!!!!

YESTERDAY MY MOMMY CAME OVER AND HELPED ME CLEAN OUT MY GARAGE (BY HELPED ME I MEAN SHE DID IT ALL AND I SAT ON THE STEP WATCHING) AND SHE SO GRACIOUSLY GOT DOWN THE BOXES MY MEAN EVIL HUSBAND WOULDN'T SO I COULD DIG OUT MY LEFT SHOES. OTHER TREASURES I FOUND

MY DIARY
MY BOX OF ROB AND I'S CRAP (I FEEL UPDATES TO THE LOVE BLOG COMING)
THE LONG LOST KATIE PICTURES....STAY TUNED FOR A TAKING KATIE DOWN WITH ME BLOG MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA
A BOX OF CANNED FRUIT
SOME LOW CARB SPAGHETTI
MY NINTENDO CORD (THANK YOU GOD MARIO THREE HERE I COME)
A SHELF
AND SO ON....IT WAS MAGICAL PEOPLE!

9.15.2007

REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLLLLLY TAKING MY COUSIN DOWN WITH ME!!!!!!

PROOF THE BINDER EXISTS....BECAUSE I'M NICE I CHOSE TO TAKE PICTURES RATHER THEN SCANNING THE ACTUAL LETTERS SO THEY WERE READABLE...HOWEVER THEY ARE ALL STILL IN MY POSSESSION, SO I WOULDN'T PUT IT PAST ME TO PUBLISH ONE HERE AND THERE!!!!!!