An open letter to my OBGYN

Dear Dr!

Re: my enormous weight gain

As I have been trying to explain all along it is not my fault I have put on nearly 30 pounds (and by nearly of course I mean more then 30). I explained to you how in the beginning I didn't gain any weight because I was practicing my new healthy life style. Then I explained how being put on bed rest with nothing better to do but sit on the couch and eat contributed to at least 15 of my pounds. Next I explained that you forbidding me to do any sort of aerobic exercise after my bed rest probably didn't help either.

HOWEVER! Today I have full blow proof that this weight gain is not in fact my fault and can be blamed totally on other people. I just went to Marie Calenders to get myself a nice healthy salad bar lunch and to get three pieces of pie for myself and two of my employees. Upon arriving and making my to go order I was informed that 3 slices of CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE would cost me $12.99. I was then informed that if I chose to purchase an entire CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE it would only cost me $10.99. I explained to the cashier that I am pregnant and any uneaten pie would be left in my hands, leaving me soley responsible for making sure it didn't go to waste. He kindly told me that fine if I wanted only three slices of pie and I wanted to waste money that was fine by him.

Being the rational, money sensible girl I am I of course chose to buy the ENTIRE CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE. Not wanting to waste $3.00 after all. I figured I could use that $3.00 toward the remainder of my bill in your office. So, now you can understand why if I come to your office next week and have put on another 8 pounds IT IS CLEARLY NOT MY FAULT, the world is sabotaging me!

Also, considering I have such a large belly now, and do not have nearly enough room to eat and then walk comfortably I would greatly appreciate if you could please give me a wheel chair. That way on days that I fill up on pie I can simply roll myself out of my work rather then wadding and groaning like a huge pain in the ass. I am sure that you would agree that providing me a wheel chair is much safer on my fragile body then making me walk around with a whole chocolate pie and an entire baby in my belly!

Love your patient
Shannon

P.S. The fact that my salad bar came with a cup of rich, thick, and creamy potato soup with a thick slab of corn bread covered in honey butter, was also not my fault. I simply went there for the salad. Also since the soup and corn bread would go bad faster the salad you can probably understand why I chose to eat those first, followed by the slice of pie and nicely store the salad in the refrigerator for later!