Tales from a hungry pregnant woman

5:30AM wake up. I'm hungry. Have 2 mini cherry donuts

5:40 Have another mini donut

5:50 have forth and final donut (become to lazy to capitalize the front of the sentence)

7ish stephanie mentionsegg salad sandwhch MUST HAVE EGG SALAD SANDWHICH

730ish sit on couch wishing eggs would cook themselves

8ish realize ooooh hardboiled eggs make me think of deviled eggs

820 realize that i am now to lazy to put colon in time, go to kitchen to see if we have eggs see avocado. realize cant live without guacamole and chips for breakfast

821 realize no tortilla chips in house, heart dies a little

830 realize we probably don't have full container of eggs, try using laser vision to see if we do...laser vision must be on fritz

840 husband tells me he thinks there is a full carton of eggs in there

845 think i'm too lazy to look behind half empty carton of eggs for newer fuller eggs

850 go to kitchen and make soy sausage patties forget to look for eggs while in there

851 make son french toast sticks, wish i was eating french toast sticks, but ewww why would i eat those?

930 realize soy sausage was not guacamole or hard boiled eggs....wonder why the eggs haven't cooked themselves

932 remember that i throw up eggs when i'm pregnant, wonder if its worth it....only worth it if eggs cook themselves

933 wish i had some of that yummy spicy cheese in a can to dunk lays in..but i don't because i ate the whole can last week

934 wonder if internet thinks i just eat a bunch of garbage (i dont really the other night there was roasted asparagus and healthy food i promise)

934 and a half remember other artichoke sitting in there....could boil artichoke while i boil eggs

934 and three nope now 935 i better open the fridge and see if anything new is there be back

935 boiling water for eggs and artichoke, wonder if i should salt water for artichoke, decide that i will. take eggs out of carton making sure to leave them distributed evenly as to not make egg container lopsided

937 wonder if i salted water or not...oh well salting it again fuckers

938 put eggs in pan and cover it...try to remember to listen for water to boil

939 search for special knife to cut off top of artichoke cut off and search for lid to small pot

940 realize live with small toddler lid has to be somewhere finally find it under ultra large pan, wonder if i should be lifting all those pans?

942 put on vanilla scented deodorant

943 smelling deodorant makes me want yummy vanilla cookies

943.5 realize hate vanilla cookies and pout now

945 realize neither of the things i'm cooking are going to satisfy urgent hunger NOW fuck still need to find something to eat

946 son just came up to me making kissy face covered in self applied suntan lotion...lips now taste like suntan lotion, that did nothing to help appetite

946.5 realize this list is so fucking long shit shut up and just eat something already you skanky pregnant whore

947 i'm done with list now..really i swear

947.75 done with list and my stupid pregnant ass still hasn't eaten!

All better

Brandon has learned that when he gets hurt he can come up to me for a kiss to be all better. So this morning he bumps his head and then runs over to me and shoves his head in front of my mouth and then head butts me till I kiss it a bunch. This is followed by him saying All bewwer. I didn't know he said all better but I guess he does. I much more prefer his head in my face though. Last night he kept hurting his feet and shoving teeny toes and feet in my mouth and all I could think was, "just kiss his feet and try not to think of how he was just walking out side in the sand where the cat pees!"

You know your a parent when...

You wake up singing

Bridge, tunnel, cho co late tree

Bridge, tunnel cho, co, late tree

If you aren't a parent then you wouldn't know that is the fucking theme song for one of the directions for Dora the Explorer, Dora dora dora.....

AAAAAhhchhhhchjhkjh what a horrible way to wake up!

Goodnight Momom (aka grandma)

Brandon was on the phone with grandma talking and suddenly he got really tired and she started to sing. He passed out but wouldn't give me the phone for anything. He just held on for dear life in his sleep. When I finally took he cried momooooooo and passed out in the middle of his word.

no comments on the fact that my legs are as white as my pants either or else!

Practice makes perfect..or at least for a really awesome kisser

I remember when I was little, very little I became interested in kissing. Since I had no clue what I was doing I figured I should practice. I practiced kissing on all kinds of things. An orange, a doorknob, my hand, a stuffed animal, and so on. You know, as they say though practice makes perfect. After the fake practicing I moved on to the real practicing. I kissed sooooo many guys. In fact I've kissed so many guys I had to start a list to keep track of them. It was always amusing to me that kissing led people to believe I was skanky or slutty or whatever, but I knew the truth, they wished they could be as awesome as me and have as much fun as me. All that practice paid off though. One of my favorite memories of all time was the time someone asked if he could kiss me because he had heard kissing me was amazing. You have to also realize this was extra funny because I was stoned out of my mind at the time. This is how the night went.

I was out with these two guys, one lived down the street and one lived about a mile away and basically we were just driving around smoking a bowl and laughing and talking like friends do. One of the guys with me, had dated two of my friends, no wait, dated one and kissed the other. The other friend had kissed both those girls and later went on to date a friend of mine for a long time. In fact they both dated friends of mine for a long time.

Back to the story. The one who lived down street from me, Ben and I had sort of dated. It was kind of on the down low, sort of like we were trying it out before we told everyone. We decided after a few days that didn't work and we stopped but stayed friends. So Ben and I are driving around and we pick up James. We drive up to this hill down the street from my parents house and park to smoke weed with out being a danger to the road. The two guys get out to pee and they get back in and James says, "Ben tells me you kiss better then Girl A and Girl B, I want to try it for myself and see." I nearly fall over laughing because this is hilarious, plus I'm super high. So I ask him, "ummm so what do you want me to do, just lean over and kiss you for shits and giggles?" He says, "YUP!"

I smoke some more weed and think about this. I don't like either of these guys this way but hey why not let him kiss me, it was a boost to my already high ego! So we kiss like 3 times really quick, with Ben watching in the back. Then they get out of the car to discuss it, not realizing all the windows are down. Ben says, "So?" James says, "dude, you were so right!" At this time I bust out laughing because two guys are really sitting outside discussing whether I kiss better then other girls. I was also secretly happy that I had won. Then Ben gets back in the car and decides he wants to try it again just to see if he remembered it right. So we kiss and he remembered it right. We continued getting high and forgot about it all.

This story always amuses me, mostly because I think all those girls who talked shit about me must not have been very good kissers because they didn't practice or learn enough.

I remembered this story because a friend posted a picture of her son with a Giant Taz and I replied that looked like something I would have practiced kissing on.

Do you have stories about how you learned to kiss? Did you practice or just jump into it one day with the neighbor boy? Let me know how you learned to kiss!

Why LIndsay should be suspended from blogging

Last week Lindsay wrote this shit of a post. Go ahead I'll wait here while you navigate to it. Don't worry you don't have to read the whole fucking thing, the giant Starbucks logo splashed right there when you open it is all that you need to see.

Thats not all though. Do you know what the little shit did next? SHE WENT ON VACATION! Meaning my sorry ass has had to stare at a giant ass Starbucks logo about 10 times a day all week (so what if I'm to stubborn to stop checking blogs of people I know are out of town, maybe they will post from out of town).

The problem here you ask? I'm stuck here at home. Eating whatever is at home or whatever people bring me which is usually totally not what I want. BECAUSE all I want is a grande mocha frappacino with 3 petite vanilla scones or even a lemon scone, or some of every damn pastry they offer there, especially those delicious sugar cookies with the pretty frosting.

Since none of my friends like Starbucks and it cost about as much as an arm and a leg I have as of yet asked anyone to bring me some. My homeade coffee isn't cutting it.

DAMN YOU LINDSAY DAMN YOU! Next time put up a picture of a steak or something I wouldn't eat before you go out of town!

Since when did a bed become an entire room?

In my house we have a rule. Okay no, wait thats not right. I have a rule. Whether my husband choses to follow it.....well. The rule is you don't fart in the bedroom if I'm there or the living room. Farting in the bed is VERY BAD. Basically farting near me is no good, especially when I'm pregnant and my smeller is working at about 1000% increase. Thats why I find last nights conversation so amusing.

Rob: Coming into bed, puts one leg on bed and BRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAPPPPPPTTTTTTPTPT

Me: Extremely disgusted look on my face

Rob: What? I didn't do it in the same room as you

Me: (Mental HUH) Umm dear your in the bedroom with me

Rob: No no I'm not all the way in the bed though so it doesn't count, the bed is like its own room

Me: HUH?



However, this is far better then his new habit...apparantly my husband farts so often he pretty much doesn't notice anymore. Its like breathing, just a habit. So now we will be sitting in the small guest room together, he will let one out that makes me start to gag and look me dead in the eye and say "WHAT?" He really, no joking has no idea what he's just done and has to literally sniff the air about 5 times to believe he did it. He also says, if he doesn't know he did it, it also doesn't count!


This has been another episode of SHANNON TAKES HER HUSBAND DOWN WITH HER!

Things I did today

• Woke up
• laid on couch
• laid on other couch
• changed positions and laid the other way
• emailed jen
  
• created a video of Brandon
• started to burn video
• set computer down
• lost video of brandon
• emailed jen
  
• cursed and banged computer
• started over
• emailed jen
  
• thought about brushing teeth
• put on fresh clothes
  
• put on deodorant
• got mad cuz jen wasn't replying quick enough
• realized my computer is slow
  
• brushed hair
• brushed teeth
• wondered if i should think about taking a shower some time this week
• decided against it
• sprayed perfume instead
• ate some chips
• ate chips from the other couch
• watched homemade dvd
• emailed jen
  
• yahooed a lot
• thought about cookies and milk
• resisted cookies and milk till after cousin came with tacos
• emailed jen
  
• thought about maybe just one cookie
• pouted on couch for not eating cookie
• noticed legs had scales on them
• put on lotion
• noticed legs still scaly may need more lotion
• emailed katie spelled i'm ime...thats not right
• watched baby shows on TLC
• cried at baby shows
• pouted because baby is still so far away
• thought about cookies
• reallllly thought about cookies
• posted this blog while thinking about cookies
• realized ginger is bringing brownies later
• brownies will not interfere with cookies!
  

Its a long one

Okay so being on bed rest gives me a loooooot of time to dick around on the computer. So here is an 11 minute video of my son...Sorry its so long but like I said I'm BORED here people





Giddy Up Kitty from wilddreemer on Vimeo

Dream a little dream for me

I know Jen has said a little about pregnancy dreams but so far I haven't. I seem to have a nightly pattern. It starts off with one to two bad dreams. Followed by about 7274988 sex dreams. The kind of sex dreams that you couldn't even create in your mind if you were awake. To date I'm pretty sure I've also had a dream about kissing every one of my major ex boyfriends, however there was always some major fault. For instance I kept dreaming I was kissing Kenny, only his teeth were rotting out but I had it in my head that if I kissed him his teeth would magically get better, oh yeah this all took place at a gas station, that my family stopped at while driving our Big Rig with an RV attached. NICE!

Last night however I first dreamt that I was about to die and a man in a gas mask showed up and right at that moment I opened my eyes and since I didn't have on glasses it was all blurry. This caused me to freak out thinking someone was poisoning all of us and I totally flipped out. Then I woke all the way up and thought NOW WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT. After that dream though instead of a sex dream I started to dream about the baby....and right when I thought I was dreaming it was a girl Rob started wiggling and I woke up SO NOW I'LL NEVER KNOW!

DAMMIT ROB!!!