Things we don't talk about

First of all, I should start this blog with one of those TV disclaimers. You know the one that says, the opinions expressed on this blog are those soley of the editor and in no way reflect blah blah blah, you get the point.

I was reading this blog that Jen wrote. It reminded me so much of me while I was pregnant. You know, one of the things no one tells you when you get pregnant, is that you may not feel connected to that tiny alien you carry inside you. The second thing they don't tell you, is that it is totally okay to feel this way. I clearly remember how I felt when I was pregnant. When I first found out I was elated. I was so happy and excited, but I think more then anything I was excited that I was actually pregnant. After trying for years and having three intrauterine inseminations fail, you can imagine my shock to wake up one day and be pregnant when I wasn't even trying. After that wore off I was, well, detached. I didn't know this thing inside of me. I hadn't seen it, or met it and quite frankly its like sending me a picture of a kid and saying this is yours, you won't meet it but you have to love it. Well, sure, it is a nice picture and its neat, but love it. Come on. I loved my cat. I could see and touch and hold my cat. Everyone was so frustrated with me that I didn't just love this little "thing" inside of me. Basically everyone told me my feelings were wrong. OR they told me how they just knew they loved that baby from the day they conceived. They glowed and gloated and pretty much rubbed it in that I didn't feel that way. I would leave peoples houses feeling like, well, less of a person. I started to feel that maybe I wasn't capable of being a mom. Maybe, because I didn't love this thing inside of me I would be a bad mom. Finally one day while reading some book I came across this page that told me that the fact that I was even worried about how I would parent, meant that I was actually caring about this baby, I just didn't know it. For a while I even tried pretending. People who didn't know me well or who just didn't pay attention believed every word when I babbled about how excited and happy I was. It made them happy and they were comforted in knowing that I had said all the right things. At the shower I pretended to oooh and aahh over all these things I didn't know what to do with. In reality I was irritated as shit the shower wasn't over yet. I was more irritated that Shanna wouldn't leave and the most irritated when she pulled everything out of the box and pulled off all the tags. I was furious as she had made all of it nonreturnable, even things that didn't.

As the days got closer to Brandon's birth I felt nothing. All I felt was that in a few days I would have a kid and that would be weird. I was intrigued by what was going on in my body but I felt no attachment. In fact, if I had miscarried I have no clue how I would have felt. I know there would have been sadness, but I don't think it would have taken over my life.

In the end Brandon came and the millisecond he was born I was floored with emotion. It was as though I had never lived before that second. I could barely remember a life without him in it. I'm still frustrated that people gave me such a hard time. When I talked to Jen the first thing I did was let her know, it is totally okay that she felt that way. Its normal. And, when this baby comes, if she doesn't feel connected with it right away, thats fine, that is normal. Millions of women feel that every day. Pregnancy is hard enough with out telling you you're doing it wrong. Every pregnancy is different from every other. So when someone compares them and says yours is wrong it is one of the most overwhelming feelings in the world for you. It makes a girl think, shit I'm already fucking up pregnancy how will I ever care for a kid.

This time around I feel pretty much the same. Only this time instead of how will I love this thing, its how can I love another thing, when I already have the most perfect child alive? The one difference I'm making is that I am embracing pregnancy more. Which, is a lot easier when you aren't throwing up every 30 seconds. I'm trying to enjoy it and take my time and not rush it through. Besides the fact that I want to enjoy this pregnancy, taking my time gives me more time to enjoy my little boy before our lives are turned up side down.

I wish we didn't live in a world where everyone was so afraid to admit how they really feel, so when the next person came along they knew they weren't alone. I only hope that Jen doesn't feel beat down like I did. I hope she ends up surrounded by people who tell here ITS OKAY TO FREAK THE FUCK OUT THIS WHOLE TIME!

How to wear out a toddler

I! SHIT! YOU! NOT!

I was just in the bathroom going pee. Like always my son followed me in there. Then he did something strange. He said poo poo and took off his diaper. Out of curiosity I picked him up and put him on the big toiled. I SHIT YOU NOT MY 21 MONTH OLD SON JUST POOPED TWO GIANT POOPS IN THE TOILET. Then I took him in and wiped him up and we were done. Only problem is now he's going more, more, poopoo more, because he thought being on the potty was funny. Then he says MOREEEEEE POTTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. I had to force him out of the bathroom and hold him down to get his diaper back on. I don't at all think he is ready to be potty trained but, if he asks to go on thats fine. I will soooo not force this at all though.

I'm so smart, S M A R T

YAWN

I've yawned 7 times in the last four minutes. I am so very very tired.

AND THE WINNER IS...

CHRISTY!!! FROM CAKERWAKERS. WITH THIS POST:

The other night I was making spaghetti. Keep in mind that I never cook. When the pasta was ready (but still boiling in water), I asked John how I should scoop out the noodles. He looked at me like I had three heads and told me to go get the strainer. So that is what that bowl with holes in it is for. WOW, I am losing my freaking mind! Christy doesn't win anything, just the knowledge that she is a dumb ass like me!


I Picked this post because it really made me giggle. The only thing that would have made it better is if she reached her hand in and grabbed it out of the water. Christy was followed in second place by Jen. Jen forgot to submit her post but since it involved me I submitted it for her. Last week I told Jen she really really needed to read Gingers most recent post. She replied to me, "OMG I'm reading this now" I said which one, she says "the one about the alarms!" Huh, what now? Alarms. So I search her web page, nope, nothing about alarms. I ask Jen again, she reads me the title of the post...JEN WAS READING MY BLOG. She hadn't even navigated away from what she was already reading and somehow thought she was on Gingers blog. NERD!

Its so bad I had to wait till the next day to write about it

We are interviewing people to fill an office helper position in my office. That should be enough said right there, but there is soooo much more. Since we have had a problem in the past finding good help who can file simple alphabetical files we decided this time, so we would have them fill out and application and then we would have them file 7 files. The seven files I chose to have them file were:
5 purple customer files
Bill Pearce Honda 2007
Laurie Galvin
Home Depot store 3304 2007
Quail Business park 2007
Loretta Schumacher


2- Orange job files
Dan Koozer Job #07007
Ida Maye Job #07037

Okay now some background on our filing system. It is very easy. All along the wall are big file cabinets with drawers labeled alphabetically. Since we have lots of customers we are no longer able to just fit all of A in one drawer. So the first drawer is A-Ar and the second would be As-Az. Makes sense right? Also they are clearly labeled. Then, there is a small drawer on the other wall with orange job files. These are simply filed by job # which I explained to each person. All of our jobs with more then one year are filed with the newest year in front so it is the fastest to grab. If you look at the files you can clearly see it will go Bill Pearce 2005 with Bill Pearce 2006 in front and so on. Here is what I got.

First girl: She seems to breeze through the first 3 files. Then she gets to Quail Business park. She looks at the files labeled S and says no no Q wouldn't be here. She then proceeds to open the T drawer. Digs around in it, stares at it some, closes it, looks at it from the outside and repeats Q Q Q to herself. She opens the T drawer again, steps back very confused and says OOOO Q wouldn't be here. She then, goes back to the 4- S drawers and stares at them. Finally I think she stops and says the alphabet to herself and realizes Q COMES BEFORE S. So she begins reading all of the cabinets searching for Q. Q is a small section IT HAS ITS OWN DRAWER WITH A GIANT Q ON THE FRONT! She finally gets it. In the end she has filed Bill Pearce very close to where it should go but she filed it two files in front so the files went Bill Pearce Honda 2007, Larry Biel, Mary Bieller, Bill Pearce Honda 2006. Okay so -1 for first girl.

Girl two: She rushes through filing. I when I think she is done I go in and she is staring at the Bill Pearce file. She says, "Ummm I don't understand, there are two Bill Pearce 2005 files and two 2006 and two 2007 I don't get where this one goes." So, with more patience then I knew I had I said, well that is because the other ones say Bill Pearce Oldsmobile and these ones say Bill Pearce HONDA. (keep in mind at this point she can see how alllll of the Bill pearce files are filed.) She files the file and leaves. I found that she filed Bill Pearce 2007 behind 2005 making the order of the files to go 2007, 2005, 2006. Gee even I can see that isn't right. She then proceeds to file Home Depot 2007 all the way behind 2004. Oh boy. She files Schumacher after Schumaker so the files go, Dr. Schumacher, Kirk Schumacher, Mike Shumaker, Loretta Shumacher. Yes, those look in order right? The most interesting part of all is she filed the Quail 2007 file in the right spot making the files go 2005, 2006, 2007. Why would she do 2 files one way and a third the other? -3

The third lady files them all right but puts Bill Pearce in the back again. This flabbergasts me since she manages to file the other two right. How can you not manage to file consistently for 3 little files? -1

The forth girl. Oooo the poor forth girl. Still, this morning I can not understand her rational. Okay here it goes. I come in to check her. I look for the Bill Pearce file, it is NO WHERE TO BE FOUND. Okkkkay. I go to pull Galvin, NOPE. I ask her, ummm where did you file these? She opens the L drawer and pulls out Galvin. I pause look at the label and realize she has filed it under Laurie the first name. Now, heres where it gets good. She simply opened the L drawer and then dug around in it until she found another name that started with L then shoved the file in front of that one. Which means, had I given her a file named Zeke Jenkins she would have dug around in the Z's for hours trying to find a file with the first name Z and she would have been there forever because we don't have a name that starts with a Z and is also a Z last name. IT GETS BETTER. She then shoved Loretta Schumacher behind Laurie Galvin. She got Home Depot in the right file but in the wrong order. She got Quail in the right file in the right order. Still we can not find Bill Pearce. I go to the orange files, filed by job# and see that she has filed then by first name. So the first one is Dan Koozer. She files that between an A and P first named file. Then she files Ida May between two separate files. At this point we begin opening every drawer searching for Bill Pearce. We found it in the L's. While she was in the L drawer she saw a file labeled Bill Loefler. She stuck Bill Pearce after Bill Loefler. I almost died. That means 3 out of 5 purple files she filed in the SAME DRAWER. Even if she was trying to file by first name how could she possibly think B & L would go in the same file? -7

Today, before they are even allowed to fill out an application I am going to make them file! It can't get worse right? RIGHT???????

The one where Brandon dressed himself

Sorry, I don't know how to rotate it.

A reason I will probably be divorced very very soon

Again, more proof that I am a terrible awful mother.

To clear this up

I am a vegetarian. I don't like meat. However, for some reason since becoming a vegetarian the one thing I always cheat with is hot dogs. Heres the thing. Steak, taste like blood. It is sort of good and the idea of it is good, but the idea of eating a big hunk of dead cow oozing blood, really is enough to make me puke. Chicken, first that just taste bad, second it has veins and tendons and things that I cant even think of putting in my mouth. In fact eating chicken to me is probably about appealing as you guys eating a nice pile of dog shit covered in maggots and beetles. However for some reason hot dogs don't really bother me. I know, I'm weird.

And no, I didn't eat it, we went all the way to sparks for Cinco De Mayo and ate so many tacos I was too full to eat it and then the craving went away. For dinner I instead opted for a soy bacon, lettuce, tomato, avocado sandwich on whole wheat....way to healthy.