Things we don't talk about

First of all, I should start this blog with one of those TV disclaimers. You know the one that says, the opinions expressed on this blog are those soley of the editor and in no way reflect blah blah blah, you get the point.

I was reading this blog that Jen wrote. It reminded me so much of me while I was pregnant. You know, one of the things no one tells you when you get pregnant, is that you may not feel connected to that tiny alien you carry inside you. The second thing they don't tell you, is that it is totally okay to feel this way. I clearly remember how I felt when I was pregnant. When I first found out I was elated. I was so happy and excited, but I think more then anything I was excited that I was actually pregnant. After trying for years and having three intrauterine inseminations fail, you can imagine my shock to wake up one day and be pregnant when I wasn't even trying. After that wore off I was, well, detached. I didn't know this thing inside of me. I hadn't seen it, or met it and quite frankly its like sending me a picture of a kid and saying this is yours, you won't meet it but you have to love it. Well, sure, it is a nice picture and its neat, but love it. Come on. I loved my cat. I could see and touch and hold my cat. Everyone was so frustrated with me that I didn't just love this little "thing" inside of me. Basically everyone told me my feelings were wrong. OR they told me how they just knew they loved that baby from the day they conceived. They glowed and gloated and pretty much rubbed it in that I didn't feel that way. I would leave peoples houses feeling like, well, less of a person. I started to feel that maybe I wasn't capable of being a mom. Maybe, because I didn't love this thing inside of me I would be a bad mom. Finally one day while reading some book I came across this page that told me that the fact that I was even worried about how I would parent, meant that I was actually caring about this baby, I just didn't know it. For a while I even tried pretending. People who didn't know me well or who just didn't pay attention believed every word when I babbled about how excited and happy I was. It made them happy and they were comforted in knowing that I had said all the right things. At the shower I pretended to oooh and aahh over all these things I didn't know what to do with. In reality I was irritated as shit the shower wasn't over yet. I was more irritated that Shanna wouldn't leave and the most irritated when she pulled everything out of the box and pulled off all the tags. I was furious as she had made all of it nonreturnable, even things that didn't.

As the days got closer to Brandon's birth I felt nothing. All I felt was that in a few days I would have a kid and that would be weird. I was intrigued by what was going on in my body but I felt no attachment. In fact, if I had miscarried I have no clue how I would have felt. I know there would have been sadness, but I don't think it would have taken over my life.

In the end Brandon came and the millisecond he was born I was floored with emotion. It was as though I had never lived before that second. I could barely remember a life without him in it. I'm still frustrated that people gave me such a hard time. When I talked to Jen the first thing I did was let her know, it is totally okay that she felt that way. Its normal. And, when this baby comes, if she doesn't feel connected with it right away, thats fine, that is normal. Millions of women feel that every day. Pregnancy is hard enough with out telling you you're doing it wrong. Every pregnancy is different from every other. So when someone compares them and says yours is wrong it is one of the most overwhelming feelings in the world for you. It makes a girl think, shit I'm already fucking up pregnancy how will I ever care for a kid.

This time around I feel pretty much the same. Only this time instead of how will I love this thing, its how can I love another thing, when I already have the most perfect child alive? The one difference I'm making is that I am embracing pregnancy more. Which, is a lot easier when you aren't throwing up every 30 seconds. I'm trying to enjoy it and take my time and not rush it through. Besides the fact that I want to enjoy this pregnancy, taking my time gives me more time to enjoy my little boy before our lives are turned up side down.

I wish we didn't live in a world where everyone was so afraid to admit how they really feel, so when the next person came along they knew they weren't alone. I only hope that Jen doesn't feel beat down like I did. I hope she ends up surrounded by people who tell here ITS OKAY TO FREAK THE FUCK OUT THIS WHOLE TIME!