CHAPTER 9

The months started to pass and I was soooo sick. I actually dropped 20 pounds during my pregnancy. During the pregnancy I went through all of the normal motions. I registered and decorated the baby room and got excited over all the little clothes. All the while I was thinking I don’t even feel attached to this thing inside of me. In fact that is really what I though of it. It was a thing. Stay tuned to find out what happened. Did I learn to be a mom or what.

CHAPTER 8 WAIT WHAT

I got so caught up partying and having fun that it took me a while to notice the differences I was feeling. The first thing I noticed was that I got car sick just driving to the end of the street. The next thing I noticed was that if Rob and I were having a tiny fight I would end up throwing myself on the floor crying. All the sudden I knew. I was pregnant. I figured it out in the middle of November and decided to keep it to myself until I knew for sure. I wasn’t going to take a test or anything I just figured I would wait and see. So thanksgiving rolled around and we were all at my moms and everyone was doing shots of Tequila. I said I had to be the designated driver and declined to do shots. The drunker everyone got the more they tried to force shots on me. I refused and Rob took me in a room and said its okay to have one. I told him no and to drop it. That was that. A few days later I finally decided I would take a test. Only I was so nervous I couldn’t tell what it said. I went running out of the bathroom at work with a test in one hand and a box in the other and threw them at my mom. I said tell me what that said. She was shocked. She had no clue I even thought I might be pregnant. She looked down and said it was positive. I freaked out. I called Rob right away and immediately scheduled an appointment to go to the doctor and have them tell me for sure. It was set I was pregnant. I was going to be a mom. Wait a minute. I was going to be a mom holy shit. Now what.

CHAPTER 7 I DO

Our wedding was so beautiful. I am not traditional at all. We had the wedding outside at the Rose Garden in Reno. They were in full bloom. I picked a dress that was strappless with teeny tiny pale pink rosebuds on it with little pale green leaves. Then I had them cut it too what I believe is called waltz length and I had pale pink tule sticking out the bottem. I also had them rip out the back and make it a corset with pink ribbon. It was great. My bridesmades wore strapless dresses from macys the were the same length and had pink and green roses on them with pink tule coming out the bottom. My husband sweats a lot so we decided to go with super thing kahki linen pants and he had a thin white button up short sleeve shirt. It was awesome it looked almost like a beach weddding only in the grass. The guys also wore the linen pants and said they were the greatest things ever. We bought roses at Costco and made our own boquets. Then we had the reception next door at the California building. The food was great and so was the party. We honeymooned in Hawaii and it was beautiful. OMG I would move there in a heartbeat. Our wedding was so perfect for the two of us. Totally untraditional, fun and outgoing.

CHAPTER 6 WOW

After talking a lot Rob let me know he was going to ask my dad if he could marry me. I was so shocked. I couldn’t believe this was going to happen. So the day came and he asked and all was well and my mom and I ran right out and bought wedding books. We even looked at rings and Rob knew exactly what I liked. A few weeks passed and nothing. Finally one day Rob came by my work and I showed him all of the magazines and he was furious. He said we weren’t even engaged and here I was planning a wedding that I wasn’t even happening yet. I started bawling and tried to tell him that girls just did this kind of thing. We planned our weddings from the time we were old enough to know what a wedding was. He didn’t care he told me to stop it he was feeling pressured. I cried some more and finally he said what ever I could look at my books but that was it because he was in the winter season and didn’t even have money for a ring. I was really sad about this but decided I would take what I could get. That night I was sitting on the couch feeling like crap from my period so I popped a vicodin and went to work swooning over my wedding magazines. He just laughed at me because he couldn’t believe girls really liked all that junk. He told me I was a dork and went to get ready for bed. I couldn’t tear myself away from my book especially since one of them had a special insert dedicated to wedding rings. I was poking holes in the rings and sticking my finger through to see what they looked like on. (I know I’m such a huge dork.) Anyway he came back out to see what I was dong and mostly to laugh at me. I was showing him different rings I like and pointing out everything but the style I had already picked out. I could tell I was pissing him off so I made sure to say but I really like the one I already showed you more. He decided to get into the fun and started checking out guys bands and then pointed to one and said what about this I wrinkled my nose and said no I like the one we looked out. He said how about this and again I said no. I wasn’t even paying attention to the fact that he was holding a real life ring right in front of my face saying how about this one. All the sudden it clicked. I stopped turned and looked at him. There he was the man I loved so much sweat on his head, heart beating so loud I think I could hear it, holding the worlds most perfect ring in his hands.

CHAPTER 5 I'M OVER IT

The day I was supposed to go in and get my blood work to see if I was pregnant I got my period. I decided that I had enough. I threw away all of my fertility drugs and bought a bottle of Amaretto. I got drunk. At this point I decided that I was only 22 I was gong to live it up. My husband and I started going out and meeting new friends who weren’t pregnant or having abortions. We concentrated on loving each other for the time. Finally the day came that my cousin had her baby. The whole time in the waiting room people kept telling me I wasn’t getting pregnant because I wasn’t married. Wow I was shocked. How rude for them to say. I mean its not the 50’s anymore and here I was finding out how old fashioned my whole family was. I fell in love with my cousins daughter Jaida immediately. She was beautiful. At that moment I realized I was okay with out a baby. I was okay just being aunt Shannon and partying with my friends.

CHAPTER 4 HEARTACHE

The years past and the next thing I knew we had been together for two and a half years. Rob moved in and we started talking about having kids. He knew I had trouble having kids so we decided we would go to a doctor and see what they had to say. The doctor decided we should try IUI. Intrauterine Insemination. What this meant was that they would take his sperm and inject it up into me and see what happened. I had to take tons of fertility drugs including getting a shot in the tush every night. Rob enjoyed that part especially when we were fighting. what would happen first is for about a month I would take a shot in the rear every day for a month. Then I would go into the doctors office and they would do an ultrasound once a week to see how my eggs were growing. Finally I would take ovulation tests and when nothing happened they would give me a shot to force me to ovulate. Later I figured out that I ovulated at a very different time then they thought and they were forcing something that wasn't going to happen. This was a really hard time in my life. When I went to my dad and told him what was going on his response was that he didn’t want me having a bastard child. I was pretty pissed. On top of this my best friend had just had her first abortion and treated it like it was nothing. My cousin decided that she wanted to try and have a baby with her husband and I was in shock. So our first insemination came and nothing. I got my period and the doctor assured me that this was normal and I was increasing my chances each time. The second insemination came around and we did everything right. Two weeks later my cousin called me to tell me she was pregnant. Three minutes before that I had started my period. I didn’t know what to do. I worked with her every day. Everyone at work including my parents were so caught up in her pregnancy they didn’t even notice I was falling apart on the side lines. I guess I didn’t handle it very well and I basically alienated my cousin from my life. I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t want to be a part of something that I was having so much trouble with and I hated that it was right there in my face every day. Her whole pregnancy was very hard. The worst part is that every time I offered her advice she brushed it off like it was nothing making me feel like my thoughts on parenthood and being a mom didn't matter. Simple things like telling her it was very important to go to the dentist while she was pregnant. She acted like she knew better. I felt like a no one. For the most part I just started doing my own thing and not involving my cousin or my family in my life anymore. At this point the doctor came up with the idea that I should have a third surgery for endometriosis and get everything cleaned up again and then we would try for a baby one more time. So the surgery came and went and the third insemination came. I went to the doctor got shot up with sperm and went to spend some time by myself. I called my friend only to find out that very same day she was off having another abortion. I wanted to puke. Being the friend that I am I rushed to her house and spent time with her telling her that her decision was fine and that I didn’t feel any different toward her. My husband and I waited and waited to find out if we were pregnant.

CHAPTER 3 YOU WHAT?

“I LOVE YOU.” What???? I stopped dead in my tracks and turned around and looked at him. The look on his face told me this wasn’t some joke or ploy just to get me to stay. I dropped everything ran over and said “I love you too.” It had only been 4 months but I knew something was different with this one. I asked him why he was so afraid to tell me that and he said it was because of what had happened with Jeremy. He was afraid that I would drop him like I dropped Jeremy for saying he loved me. It was so funny because everytime I would talk to Justin after that he would say, “You know you and Rob are going to get married right?” Ha I would laugh. It had only been 4 months I couldn’t even think of marriage. Things seemed to be going pretty good with us until Valentines rolled around. I don’t know what it was but I realized that something was wrong. I picked a fight with him and then finally I said I think you are still in love with your Ex. I told him he needed to think and figure things out. So he went home to Cali for a week and we didn’t speak. All the sudden out of nowhere he called me and said I want you to come here I miss you. I rented a car and drove down. Spent the weekend with him and we came home together. After that he realized I was where he wanted to be.

CHAPTER 2 NOW WHAT?

Our first date was to Bulleys. I had a cold so after the date we stood outside doing that thing people do when they aren't sure if they are going to kiss goodbye after a date or not. Finally I said I am sick I don't want to kiss you. Rob said thank you. He said he knew I was sick and had been wondering if I would be nice enough not to get him sick. Right around this time we had been together for about a month and one of his really good friends named Kenny Cooper got in a work accident and died. Rob left and went to Atwater. When he got back he said him and some friends were going to Monteray and wanted to know if I would come with him. I didn't know this till much later but up until this point Rob had actually been seeing someone else on the side. I guess it was at this time he realized that he needed someone to help him get through his loss and I was the one he picked. Anyway we went to Monteray. We spent the night at a house on the beach and went down to the beach with his friend and his girlfriend and sat around a bonfire. We spent the time talking and laughing. His friend told us later that they were trying to talk to us but we were only concentrating on each other. We both knew at this time that this was more then something that was only lasting for a week or a month but neither of us admitted it. In fact I was still telling my friends not to get used to him being around because he was only going to last another week, two weeks, month okay only another month at the most. After our trip to Monterey we decided to be a couple. We would spend hours upon hours staying awake at night talking to each other about nothing at all. He would always play me love songs. One night he said he had a surprise for me and he gave me a rock from one of the jobs he had been working at. He stripes roads and that takes him all over Nevada. So he brought me this rock because he was stopped on the side of the road and started thinking of me so he picked it up to bring to me so I knew he was thinking of me. As sweet as this was I knew that he was holding something back. Some part of him. He had been hurt before and he was not the kind of guy who easily opened up. One night we were laying in bed together and we were both picking a fight with each other for no reason at all. Finally I did something I’ve never done before. I got pissed off and grabbed everything of mine from his house and said I’m done I’m leaving. I made it to the door and he was still laying in bed. I took another step and I heard stop. I turned around and he said don’t leave. I told him to give me one good reason why I shouldn’t.

CHAPTER 1 FINDING SOMEONE TO LOVE...OR NOT

When I turned 18 I bought a house and moved out on my own. A few weeks after I moved out I got a cat. I named him Meister. Yes that is short for JaigerMeister. He became what I considered to be my child. He slept with me every night and was the one constant in my life. When I moved out I had just graduated high school and had quite a few relationships. I was in one at the time and he moved in. We thought it was pretty serious and bought a dog together and all. Since I was young I have had endometriosis and the doctors had always told me having a child would be very difficult for me. Knowing this me and my live in boyfriend had even talked about trying for a kid before we were engaged. 3 months later I booted him out on Christmas Eve. I didn't date for a whole year after that. This was weird for me as the longest I had ever gone with out being in a relationship casual or serious was no more then a month or so (I'll tell all these stories in a future blog story.) One day while hanging out at my cousins pool I met this guy who lived in the apartment across the way from her. His name was Justin. He lived was from California and lived in an apartment with his friend also from Cali named Robert. We started casually dating as this was all I was ready for. At the same time I was also dating my elementary school friend Jeremy whom I had been best friends with since second grade. Jeremy and I had been trying to date since the day we me but the timing was never right for one or both of us. Finally we thought we would give it a shot and had our first kiss. Justin was just temporary he was someone to have fun with on Friday nights. One night while I was hanging out at Justins playing a drinking game his roommate Rob and I got into it and Rob threatened to throw me out. I responded like a lady with “Shut the F$@K Up”. About a week went by and Justin and I ended our little fling and I started to think seriously about Jeremy. About a week later Justin moved to California and was nothing but a memory. A month or so later my cousin and I decided to go to a UNR football game and we ran into Robert the jerky roommate. I was polite and said hi and walked away. Later that week I got a phone call in the middle of the night from Rob at a club telling me to come down. The next day he pretended he didn’t call me. I didn’t care. A couple weeks later I ran into Robert at a club. About 5 drinks and 10 jello shots later we were making out on the dance floor. I gave him a ride home and when I dropped him off I shook his hand instead of going into his house. I think he was pretty pissed I’m sure he was just wanting some ass. After that we started something up. During this time Jeremy decided he wanted to fall in love with me. This was in no way something I wanted to have happen. He called me one night while I was at Robs and said “I love you,” I hung up the phone and pretended it was a poor connection. He called again and repeated it and again I hung up. He stopped calling that night. I told Rob about this and how I was in no way ready for something like that. We had an understanding. This was nothing serious. As I told my friends this was only going to last about a week or so. Little did I know.

My trip to mommyhood Preface

I have been reading blogs on here where people tell stories and so on and although the stories of my younger years may be far more facinating I have decided to tell the story of my journey into motherhood and beyond. I hope you enjoy it, learn from it and respond to it.