Who gave me pets

Apparently I shouldn't be married. And seriously, who the fuck gave me kids? They say, when you go into rehab and AA and stuff before you can have a relationship you should get a pet. And before getting a pet you should get a plant.

When I moved out my mom thought that AA had a pretty good idea. So she brings me a plant. Ha ha! Not just any plant, a fucking violet. NICE! Thanks mom. Some kind of fancy water techniques with that one. Something about watering it from the bottom upside down while standing on your head and flying on a trapeze. No, that can't be it, because THAT sounds easy. Needless to say the violet last about 3 hours in my home.

After that I did what any logical person would do. I got myself a cat. Getting a cat was easy. Or at least mine was. You couldn't not feed it, the little fucker wouldn't let you forget. Seriously. If dinner time for him was 3:00 then you can bet at 2:55 he would go into full alert mode. MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWWWWWWWW! At 2:58 he would start biting you. At 3:00 he would start knocking shit over. And if you made it till 3:01 well then the little shit would just go chew a hole into the side of his food bag. I thought I was being smart by putting his food into a Tupperware, but he just knocked that off the shelf and pried it open (I do not lie this cat is a damn genius).

So then I got a dog. He was the same way. If I didn't feed him, that was fine with him, he would just hop on my counter and eat an entire loaf of bread. So you can bet I fed him right on time every day.

I'm doing good with the cat and the dog so I think, self, you've done good why not get yourself a man. I get a man. We get married we have kids. And then it happens. My parents buy us fish. Great. The first thing I think is, FUCK! Fish have no alarms. They have no meow, or barks. They can't bite me they have no way to say, "hey you, asshole human feed me I'm starving here." Everyone assures me that Rob is going to handle feeding the fish. So far this is how that has gone:

Monday:
Me: Hon did you feed the fish
Rob: Sure did

Tuesday:
Me: Hon did you feed the fish
Rob: Sure did

Wednesday:
Me: Hon did you feed the fish
Rob: Sure did

Thursday:
Me: Hon did you feed the fish
Rob: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh I think

Friday:
Me: Hon did you feed the fish
Rob: I think so maybe, not sure

Saturday:
Me: Hon did you feed the fish
Rob: No I had Cody do it.

So as you can see we are doing great with the fish huh. Anyway Sunday night rolls around and Rob looks in the tank to see our tiniest gold fish has died. Well shit. 1 out of 4 not so bad. A whole week the made it WOOHOO! We decide to wait till Brandon is asleep to scoop out his fish and flush it, because being the brainiac mom I am I can already foresee what would happen if he watched us. "Mama I wanna plush pish I wanna plush pish", thinking it was some sort of game. MOnday morning rolls around and I look in the tank to see tiny fish still floating. CRAP! Rob forgot to scoop him out. So me, Mrs. I'm not touching that so back of Mr. Had to scoop the fish out with the net and run to the bathroom to flush it while holding down chunks of vitamin and vomit.

On to yesterday evening. I look in the tank and see that my Sucker fish is dead. FUCK! Brandon will know that one is gone. I'm all freaked out. He's just floating there all weird and lifeless, and definitely not sucking on anything. I tell Rob and he says we will get it later. I come out about an hour later and the fucking fish is doing flips in the tank. Huh? Just to fuck with me he did a giant leap and flipped right in front of me. I didn't even know sucker fish could flip and leap. Well shit. Had Brandon been asleep I would have scooped that fish right out and flushed him. I guess it is a good thing we had to wait for him to go to sleep or I would have flushed a live fish.

I ask again, who in the fuck thought it was a good idea to give me fish? Sucker fish, more like fucker fish! I'll keep you all updated with this, see if I nearly flush anymore totally alive fish this week!