Have you ever sat at home thinking to yourself, "gee I wish I could be normal?" I don't usually. However, Monday night I found myself in bed actually crying and wishing I could be normal. There are so many things about me that drive me nuts. Things that I imagine make me hard to live with. Things that make me realize my husband is more then a saint for tolerating my sorry ass. Here are a few of them.
- I am afraid of the dark. This seems normal enough right? Wrong. Because of this, I can not sleep now unless my husband is in bed with me. Reason one, someone could kill me and my son (who sleeps in my bed). Reason two, unless I face Brandon there is a chance he could roll of the bed or he could be kidnapped while my back was turned, because really you never know who is hiding in the closet. Because I'm pregnant it hurts to sleep facing Brandon so instead I lay awake until Rob comes to bed. This means, if he doesn't come into bed when I'm tired I become so cranky I start yelling at him or pick a huge fight. It drives him nuts because he likes to stay up after his soft ball games or go out on weekends. When he goes out, I lay in bed cranky till he comes home. Once it gets close to two he starts getting awful text messages. Imagine how tired I am when he goes over night to Atwater.
- I have a little crazy in me. This means I can get mad at the drop of a hat. It also means that some times I find parenting to be impossible and I take it out on Rob for not helping enough. Then when he tries to help I scream at him taht he isn't doing it my way!
- For some reason since having a kid, I feel like I do nothing. I don't have any energy. I don't care about cleaning or doing chores. I huff and puff when I do them. This sucks because I know I should want to be that good wife who gets off on dusting and traipsing around to clean.
- Again with the crazy. I get so angry I sometimes don't know why I'm mad, then I cry, then I laugh, then I get all lovey dovey. I often change moods within a matter of seconds. In the morning you never know which Shannon you are waking up to. I know I probably should take medicine but I refuse.
- I know I could get some sort of help for my fear of dark and being killed and what not. However I'm more afraid that if I get help then something will happen. If I finally let my guard down, that is the moment someone will get me. If I finally let my son sleep in his room that is the second someone will decide to break in and kill him or steal him. If I actually go to sleep while he is sleeping without Rob, he will roll of and break his neck or he will choke or stop breathing.
6 comments:
At least your not trapping spiders under cups anymore ?!?! And then freaking out in the morning when we lift the cup up and the spider is mysteriously no longer underneath it!
Note to self: don't try to leave Shannon's house after she has fallen asleep on the couch.
Another Note to self: Don't leave even if for 5 minutes you tried to wake her up by saying "Shannon, Shannon, I'm leaving...I'm leaving. Shannon..." because the second the front door opens and the little "beep" it makes goes off, she is going to flip her shit and think someone is breaking into her house.
I'm so funny, I know.
I think worring about your baby is natural and unavoidable and shouldn't be fixed but when it controls your life, maybe you might be happier if you can take a deep breath and take all the precautions (alarms and locks) and know you are doing all you can and GET SOME SLEEP! I know I am not a plesant Mae if I don't sleep.
Don't worry. I am crazy too. Porgie slept in our bed for about the first 7 months of her life. During this time, I laid on my side on the very edge of the bed, with Porgie curled up next to me. I was convinced that John was going to roll on top of her and suffocate her.
I also get very angry for no good reason. I get extrememly pissed off when John has to work late (but it really isn't his fault). He thinks I am insnae - I probably am.
I am not afraid of the dark, but I do have irrational fears that Porgie will stop breathing in the middle of the night. I check on her repeatedly. Its a sickness really.
Wow Shannon, I can totally identify with some of your "un-normalness." Does that make us normal on our own standards? Mostly I completely know what you're talking about when you say you have a little bit of crazy in you... I can get so angry for no good reason what-so-ever and then get over it in an hour. That is the case right this second, I am insanely pissed that my boyfriend's new job requires him to work on Saturdays - his work sched is now Tues-Sat 9-6pm and it fucks with my life. 1) he's going to miss the doggy dash we were going to do together next weekend 2) when I go back to school FULL TIME the only chance I will really have to see and spend time with him is on the weekends because I'll be in school from 8-5 and then have 25 hours of homework per night. I'm completely irrational and overreacting but I'm flippin' pissed off right now. You know what I mean?
I ALSO get irrationally mad for seemingly no reason at all. I have become increasingly used to Erick's looks of extreme alarm when I go from completely happy and normal to screaming and crying in a furious rage... Thank gob he puts up with me. I know I have my good moments.
I also can change moods in a matter of seconds. I go from happy to PISSED AS FUCK to sad to happy in about 10 seconds. I am learning that not all people can change moods so quickly and effectively as I can... This is a work in progress for me.
I really hope I don't share your fears of murder and kidnapping quite as intensely as you do when my kids are born!
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