Settling

Settling

A long time ago a friend and I were talking about settling. We were discussing how we had some friends who we felt settled in their relationship. A lot of it we felt was because, for whatever reason, they thought they wouldn’t be able to find anyone else to love if they left who they were with. I pondered on this thought for the longest time. Pleased with myself knowing that I hadn’t settled. I don’t want to come off as a conceited fuck head, but I’ve always known I could easily find another guy, even when I was a Phatso…it’s some kind of charisma about me that kind of makes guys swoon all over me. Back to the point. I thought about this all more and realized that there actually were points in my life that I had settled. I also realized there are so many different ways one can cling to something for fear of what else might be out there.

For me personally for a very long time I had settled into bad friendships. The biggest one was Shanna. I settled mostly because I feared what would happen if I finally told her I didn’t like who she was. I feared the shit stirring among our friends, the gossip, the enemies I would make and so on. I never realized that I would actually make so many amazing friends by ridding myself of her. I know I have settled in the past in smaller relationships but I can’t really think of many other times I have actually conceded and just given in.

I think most of you would argue that I have settled with my job, but, alas, that is untrue. I have a very good thing going on with my job. Lets really look at it. I am salary, I can do anything I want, and take time off at a moments notice. I bring my son to work every day and my office is even half converted into a toddler room. I can be late, or off early and for the most part no one says anything. If I need money I just ask and it is there. I have a full kitchen so I can enjoy great meals. I am often taken to lunch and even breakfast. There is a futon so if I feel like a mid day nap I can do that. Hmmmm so, sounds like I have a pretty good set up there huh?

However. There are some people in my life who I feel have greatly settled. The hardest part of that is biting your tongue and not saying anything to them. There is one person I am brave enough to tell, and this is only because I know she understands I’m only writing about this because I really love her. This is Steph. I have to be honest, I feel like a lot of her current friendships could be re-evaluated. I realize the two people I am mainly discussing are actually her best friends, but I must say from the 35 minutes I spent with them recently I would strongly reconsider their place in my life. Being the sober person in the situation and, a self described VERY OBSERVANT person I was appalled at what I saw. These friends were not warm and inviting to the new people in Stephs life. They grouped together and told secrets. They spoke of Stephanie as if she were their child and not their friend. When they brought up her nose ring, it reminded me of being in high school when friends used to get mad if you copied them. I was astonished the first words these girls spoke to me were negative against Stephs character. These girls continued to be negative the whole night. In fact almost the entire group was terribly negative. It was like sitting at a table with 5 Shanna’s and 3 Shanna guys. I have never felt so unwelcome in my life. I started to think of my friends, and Robs friends and how inviting they are. How they are always hoping for someone else to join the party. How their response would have been “Rob, we love this guy,” and not, “ I can’t believe Steph pierced her nose because you did!” I realized had I been hanging out with Steph and someone else had joined the party, both Steph and I would have been so welcoming and kind. I suddenly realized that Stephanie is like this one amazing person stuck in a group of pretty sorry friends. There have been so many more stories she has told me and each time I think to myself, wow, this girl is stuck in a friendship like I was with Shanna, only this time there is two of them. I don’t write about this to be mean to Steph, I write about it because even though I have only known her a short time I have already grown to love her. My own friends trusted my judgment and accepted her into our group. When we went out the other night, it ended with hugs and laughs, and not snotty looks. I guess when it comes down to it, I keep watching my friend who has this amazing capacity to want to please people, continually get shit on. My only hope is that her friends can straighten up and start to love and support the way a good friend does. Its odd that I already feel so protective over a person I’ve only been friends with a short time. Maybe that’s why we work so well, I’m a nurturer by nature and Steph is defiantly in need of some nurturing. Not to mention she has already been an amazing friend and I can’t wait to see how excited she gets with me during this pregnancy.


I went off track again. Back to the subject of people being stuck. I don’t think in my own close circle of friends I have anyone who has settled for fear of doing better, but I defiantly know a few of these people. I do feel like there are a couple people in my life who stay where they are for the wrong reasons. I hate not being able to scream out I THINK YOU ARE MAKING A MISTAKE! I thought friends were allowed to do that, but I think I am still so afraid of how people react that for the most part I bite my tongue.

What is the proper etiquette for this? Is the right thing really to just stand around and watch your friends make huge mistakes and be unhappy? I know if my friends really thought I was fucking up I would want them to tell me. Maybe I wouldn’t head their advice but I know by eyes would be a lot more open to my own fate. Maybe we all just need to be open and willing to hear what the people closest to us are saying. Because I know as many times as ginger warned me about Shanna I just laughed it off. Now, if someone were to come to me and talk to me I would like to think I would hear it all so much different, because I’m in a place now where all I really want for me is what is best for me and my family. In the end my friends are now my family and I want to finally be in a place where we can all be happy and be together. I hope that I have done a better job picking friends now so that if I ever feel like I need a girls night or something I can invite all of my friends and know, they will all come, because we are all family.

I hope some of you out there who are reading this and wondering if you have settled, in your friendships or relationships, or job are starting to see that it is possible to break away and start over. I broke out of a locked down friendship and I feel like I’ve done nothing but flourish since then. I encourage all of you to break free of your chains and burdens and finally spread your wings as far as they will stretch. Get rid of the people who rather then fly along with you, have merely trapped you under their own wings. Its okay to let go and stop being their support. Be your own support now. Sail your own ship, fly your own plain and be the writer of your own life now. Now one can help you choose your own adventure, BUT YOU!