Sick = Where the fuck did that come from

As I mentioned earlier, my son is sick. Being a mom with a sick child is one of the worst things ever. You know, people don't tell you why though. Yeah yeah seeing a baby be sick sucks. However being puked on 4-5 times a day super sucks. Especially when a little tiny 22 pound baby suddenly pukes up 2 quarts full of cottage cheese looking stuff and you look at him thinking where in the fuck have you been keeping all that shit? And really, being a mom, tests your gag reflex in ways you can't imagine. Because, when you have a sick child puking on you, you really can't do anything more then stand there and take it. The last thing you want to do is puke back on your child or freak out and make them feel bad for what they did.

However, no one tells moms about the poop that kids have when they are sick. Holy shit, (punn totally intended). Sunday night, he literally squirted out something that looked and smelled like that brown gravy you buy in the packet at the store. Only it smelled like I had mixed in some two month old rotten eggs.

If you are still reading at this point I am slightly amused by you and really questioning your sanity.

But, today, today, o today. Nothing could have prepared me for this kid. I walked down the hallway where he was and bout threw up from the smell that hit my nose. Normally he runs away when he poops but today, he stood there all proud like, "yeah mom, I made that, it came out of me!" I rushed him to the changing table in the bathroom and opened his diaper and immediately I regretted being trapped in such a small room with such a huge fucking mess. SERIOUS!!!! I'm so serious, I used caps, exclamation points and bold!!!! Inside his diaper I found some kind of mustard liquid jelly concoction. Totally not on purpose I made my worst EWWW face and he burst out laughing, so impressed with the junk in his trunk.

This happened two more times today. Both times I was shocked, baffled and forcing myself not to vomit on him. One of the times, he did it in my coworkers office, and we actually had to go get spray because an hour later the smell was still there. The only way I could get through it was telling myself it was cuz all the sickies were finally coming out of him, and this was a good thing. I thought that, until he let out two, two quart pukes all over my work and my dad and my work and did I mention my dad. I came around the corner to see my dad holding him out about two feet in front of him, his shirt, pants and shoes covered in cottage cheese and the funniest look on his face. As soon as I got around the corner Brandon took on look at me and puked up another KoolAid pitcher worth of curdles.

If you are still reading, I know the name of a great mental hospital you can check into. It is so funny because they always say, don't stress when your baby spits up, although it looks like a lot its only a few teaspoons. HA HA HA teaspoons would be nice. My kid is puking up cups, and saucers and bowls full. Really, though. How is it that the moment you become a parent suddenly you can withstand being puked on and covered in mustard stinky poo with out even flinching? However, this only works for your child. If some other kid puked on me, they should run fast, because I'm about 8300% sure I'm going to be puking up a whole gallon on them. Really I can't handle changing other kids diapers but I can handle rotten egg gravy poop from my own son. Awww the mysteries of parenthood.

Okay I have to go now, I need to throw all the mustard, gravy and eggs out of my house at once!