Still here...still dying

I just arrived back from an over night trip to San Francisco. It was supposed to be a two night trip however we left a day late due to the DYING THING! Our plan was to leave yesterday at 8am. So, at 8am I rolled out of bed. At 8:01 am I rolled back into bed and pretended I was not awake. I finally dragged my ass downstairs. I came down and laid down next to Rob on the couch whining. He informed me it was time to get ready. So I marched right upstairs and got back in bed. Rob = not impressed. I laid there while he packed and then after her gave me a look that said, "get your shit together now woman" I got up, snuck into the guest bedroom and got in that bed!

After 10am we finally left.

I spent most of the time in San Francisco laying on the futon pouting about my terrible vertigo, and gagging. Every time I cough it makes me want to puke. The vertigo feels similar to being drunk off vodka. Because being drunk off vodka is much different then, say, wine. It feels kind of like I'm a ticking crash bomb waiting to happen. Meaning at any second I'm going to crash into a wall, or a chair, or....a Christmas tree.

I also spent a good amount of time fixated on one a half hairs I forgot to shave. Not just this once either, I've obviously forgotten to shave these bad boys for a good month or so. One of them I must have half shaved about 3 weeks ago because it is just a weeeee bit shorter. SEE! FIXATED.

This morning I woke up and remembered that I can't hock a loogie. Which is all fine because I am a lady y'all. However, when I'm sick, and I wake up and cough up some shit because I'm such a lady I have no choice but to swallow it because home girl don't know how to hack that shit up! Instead, I cough and cough some more, till I choke on it. Then, of course I swallow it and then get a look on my face like....well, like someone who just swallowed a fucking loogie!

We drove home and in an effort to keep Rob awake we played taboo from my cellphone. It was a lot of me saying, "okay babe it's like that thing, that's, you know (insert hand gesture here)." Which led him to say, "I'm driving I can't see you." So obviously I would just shove my hands closer into his face and say "LIKE THIS!"

Describing Dennis Rodman (can't say basketball, his team name, nose ring or...something else)
Me: He's that gay bouncyball player who was married to Carmen Electra
Rob: Bouncy ball?
Me: Yes
Rob: Who was married to her, he's gay?
Me: Well he's something, but he ain't straight...he's ummm, got one of these (points to nose ring)
Rob: Oh oh oh um uh ooo ooo ooo
Me: Umm, it is like your name with a "D"
Rob: Dod, dod, dob, bod,
Me: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW
Rob: oooooo Rod
Me: Yeah and your another word for a guy
Rob: Rodman Rodman yeah RODMAN shit whats his name
Me: It's like your Uncle
Rob: (names every uncle but the one named Dennis)
Me: Are you really fucking serious?
Rob: OOooo Dennis Rodman...oh yeah he is sooo not straight.
Me: That took to long.

Or, describing "Special Olympics"

Me: OO OO IT'S SOMETHING YOU COULD DO
Rob: Be amazing
Rob: Be awesome
Rob: Be the best
Me: NO Umm, there's these five little ring things
Rob: I soooo could not be in the Olympics
Me: You could be in this kind
Me: You know, think, like important
Rob: THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS...THAT'S NOT NICE!
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Anyway we are home now. I'm still dying. To make things better I'm also on my period. So I'm dying and hemorrhaging all at once. I feel like I have a mixture of the flu with a side of DEATH ON TOAST. I said that this morning while eating Robs aunts pancakes and she asked me if that meant I wanted toast?

Did I tell y'all that I puked on myself the other night? Yeah. I was peeing and realized I had to pee. I reached over and grabbed the trash but I vomited so much and so fast I puked more on myself then in the trash. All over my clean new pants, my socks, the toilet mat, the floor, the toilet, the cabinets and the trash. Can you believe I missed that bad? It was so embarrassing. I went into the bathroom fully clothed and came walking out in nothing but my underwear and shirt. Rob probably thought I shit myself or something. I told him later how I puked on myself and he said he's never done that, he usually turns around and just pukes in the toilet. I almost died. Could you imagine, you just went potty, then you turn around and puke and the potty water splashes out on you? OH HELL NO! Especially because I know men only sit when they poop. Oh yeah I'm going to make myself sick in a minute.

Needless to say this week has not been good. Also I don't know how many more times I can go potty without Rob figuring out that I might be (pooping). He asked me the other day if I was and I replied " I WILL SO NEVER EVER EVER TALK TO YOU ABOUT POOPING!

So, if my husband asks I'm just going pee a lot okay!

The stroller that is no more

Forgive me for my lack of posting. I'm stuck at home sick, with a whining sick husband, a sick toddler and a destructive one year old. With out further ado I present the story of the stroller that is no more.

I have a lot of strollers. My favorite stroller is my Jeep jogging stroller. However, it is a little bulky for my trunk so I purchased one of those junky umbrella strollers because it was the smallest thing I could put in my car. That broke so I went looking for something else. I bought this Baby Trend. It folded small, had trays and a nice compartment under it. I used it for a long time. After Codi was born I decided to look for something small that would fit in Robs Honda trunk. I purchased this Graco (in brown). That stroller was the worst ever. The seat didn't sit up all the way and the wheels kept locking up. I received a free cheap umbrella stroller and we used that instead. I had always wanted a double stroller but for one reason or another I didn't buy one. I would tell myself, "I made it this far with out one I don't need it." Of course then I would encounter another moment where I found myself cursing my idiot self for not buying the fucking stroller. Once I went to the store and had it in the cart and everything but couldn't do it because I thought it was too much money to spend on a stroller that I probably would never use anyway. That very night I found myself at Hot August Nights with two kids and only one stroller. Like always my three year old was crying that he was tired and he wanted in the stroller. How about the time I found myself on a walk around the mountain with Codi in the stroller and Brandon tired and whining to get in. He wanted in so bad in fact that the poor little guy ended up trying to climb in the little basket underneath and ride down the hill. In the end Ginger had to tempt him with a race to get him down the hill with out screaming. Again, I stood there kicking myself for not buying a double stroller, alas, I stuck with my cheap ones and told myself I would definitely not need one after this.

A few weeks ago my mom, a friend and I went to Scheels to do some shopping. We took Robs car which meant we were stuck with the shitty umbrella stroller. Halfway through the shopping trip the stroller stopped working. The wheels wouldn't spin we were having to shove it across the floor etc. It was a pain. My mom and I decided I was going to throw it away as soon as I got home. It was a good stroller, it lasted a while but it was done. I threw it away and went out and bought a new $19.99 umbrella stroller. I came home and promptly got in trouble by my husband because we are supposed to discuss purchases with each other. The next day I returned it. Because I had written a check I was given a gift card, that Codi actually dumped out of my purse later that month along with a $100.00 check. I found it funny that after all that with Rob, we were still out the $20.00 anyway. This left us with my beloved Jeep stroller, the nice one that folded small but worked wonky, and the shitty Graco that both kids hated.

Last week when we decided to fly to Vegas I decided we needed two strollers since we would be walking the strip and what not. The Jeep one would be too big in the car so we took the two shitty ones. The second we arrived at the airport I knew this would be a problem as one of the strollers wouldn't move. We pushed on and continued anyway. The whole trip was a constant struggle. We found ourselves arguing over who had to push the shitty stroller, and the kids fought over who got to sit in the one that at least sat all the way up with out having to lay down.

Our second to last day there we went to the outlet malls. My dad got stuck pushing the shitty stroller with faulty wheels. He grumbled about it the entire time a lot of threatening to smash it into walls or just leave it. My mom had located an Old Navy cart with a kid seat and started pushing Brandon around in that. He loved it. I ran to one last store and everyone else waited for me at the top of the escalators. That was when Rob called me asking me why our stroller was left 30 feet away in a corner. I said, "well, my dad kept saying he was going to throw it away, he must have." I was thinking they were just joking around. Sure enough I came up the escalator and found the stroller discarded in a corner. Off they went, my son in the Old Navy cart and all of our bags piled up in the cart portion of it. The next thing I know they had loaded the damn cart up in our rental car and decided they were going to take it home. They also decided they wanted to take it down on the strip with us later that night.

.....

No. I am not kidding, my mom wanted to push around an Old Navy cart on the Las Vegas strip. I explained firmly that I was not pushing my child around in that. They came up with various other ideas, painting it for my aunt to push her dogs in, flying it home to use in Reno, etc. Finally my dad said he wanted to buy a new stroller. I said okay and off we went to Babies R Us. I showed them the $19.99 umbrella stroller I had returned and they dismissed it. Before I knew it my dad was looking at double strollers. They had them all pulled out, they were pushing them and maneuvering them and so on. I showed them all the features of each one (I've done a lot of research on them) and before I knew it they decided we needed this stroller. They also decided they were going to build it right there in the store. The next thing I know they pried open the box dumped it out and wheels and parts went rolling everywhere. My dad and uncle McGyvered it together with a set of keys and a borrowed screw driver (not the right kind). We paid, rolled our new stroller out into the parking lot and were ready to go. Just one problem though.

There was a giant fucking OLD NAVY CART in our trunk. My mom did not want to get rid of it at all. She really wanted to keep it because "Brandon" liked riding in it. Sadly we drove away leaving her beloved cart in the Babies R Us parking lot. Both boys were thrilled with their new stroller. They loved sitting next to each other. I liked that I could recline only one side if only one kid slept. It maneuvers like a dream. I shit you not it steers amazingly. We got home and the very next day loaded it up to go to the mall. Brandon was thrilled to be able to go in the stroller too and not just watch Codi get wheeled around.

So that folks is the story of how my stroller got left in Vegas and I came home with this!

** Please note, the Old Navy shopping cart is not a cart like you would find at a grocery store. I've looked all over the internet for a picture of this thing. It has a cute child seat up front, similar to a stroller with a long basket in the back meant for tossing clothes in it. I'm going to keep searching for a picture of this damn thing though.

**UPDATE!!** Mandy (whose blog link won't work) sent me a picture of the cart my mom was trying to bring home with us, it is the one on the right. Can you imagine if the blog ended with me saying TADA THIS! IS MY NEW STROLLER!

The blanket

Codi's Christmas present from my mom. She made this for him. We went back and forth on themes and finally settled on this one. Make sure you check out the back.

Isn't it cute? It is super soft and Codi loves it! She hand embroidered all of the little squares too! The top pattern is one I loved at the fabric store. The bottom one is actually a swatch from a blanket she saw at Target.

Hello from my death bed (the couch)

Am too lazy to locate computer. Am so very sick. The good sick you know where snot drips freely from your nose. So freely that at one point while laying down snot actually dripped in perfect little drops onto my pillow. Which left me wondering if I should change the cover or just be lazy and flip it. Bet you know what I chose. I also have a rocking sexy cough that makes me pee a little if I cough too hard. My throat is so raw that breathing makes me cough.

Plus eating healthy sucks when you are sick. I stared longingly at my ramen today as I fixed my low. Al low sodium low taste soup.

I tried to take a nice shower but there wasn't enough hot water so I just ended up grumpy after that.

I've spent a large part of my day with tissue crammed up my nose. Codi is being a total shit head though and having a blast pulling it out of my nose. He also bit my nipple with his three and a half teeth today which absolutly did not help matters.

Finaly I'm having a massive case if vertigo right now. So I'm spinning as I type.

So that's where I am. Here I am. Here on my couch feeling sorry for myself.

Sent from my iPhone

They story of the pan

I've got a gazillion things to tell you about Vegas. But until I rest more and upload photos you get nothing but the story of the pan.

First of all, I went to Vegas for Christmas. I did not tell anyone because I always feel weird letting people know I'm gone and that my house is sitting there with no one in it. Back in August at Brandons birthday my aunt and my mom got to talking. They were chatting about Burning Man (you know the big naked boobie hippie love fest in the desert). My mom was explaining how she thought my aunt would love burning man. Since it was only a month away and it would cost a lot for my aunt to come back she proposed a deal. She would go to burning man if we would go to Vegas for Christmas. Long story short, there is an entire photo album of this years burning man I don't want to see and I spent Christmas in a wet and freezing Las Vegas.

I had a few things that were non negotiable for the trip. We had to go to outlet malls, take Brandon to the Shark show and eat at Sweet Tomatoes (my pants still haven't recovered from the food this trip). Finally outlet shopping day came and we spent a ridiculous amount of time driving to Primm Mall. At Aeropostal I got a shit ton of clothes 40%-70% off. At Converse I scored 2 awesome pairs of shoes for Brandon for only $19.99 each (normally $30.00). I hit the jackpot at American Eagle, Lucky and more. Bath and Body Works was a goldmine. Then finally WILLIAMS SONOMA! Most of the store was 40% off. Some even 70% off. However, my favorite part was that the entire collection of All-Clad was 50% off. I nearly died. Here I was on the most limited budget of my life and EVERY SINGLE PAN I ever wanted was half price. I went there for one item only. The 8" non stock fry pan. I call it an egg pan, because it is the perfect size to hand flip an egg in. The pan was originally $89.99 but it was 50% off. The kicker? There was an invisible ding in the pan so they offered me an additional 10% off. That means my $89.99 pan cost $39.95!!! The remainder of the store was on sale also. Let me show you everything else I got and the original prices.

Non stick fry pan $89.99
Professional full size sheet pan $29.95
Professional cookie sheet (mine was smaller) $19.95
Loaf pan $16.00
Pyrex 8x8 glass baking dish $10.00
Extra large spatula $9.00
Christmas dishtowels $7.00
Peppermint bark $26.50
Peppermint Kitchen Candle $24.50

I believe that is all we got, I can't be sure but I know for sure we got this much. The grand total, not on sale is $232.89. With tax that makes it a total close to $250.00. Guess how much we paid? Tax and everything $113.00!!!!! Holy shit batman. We got a minimum of 9 items for nearly the price of my one pan.

Needless to say I LOVE OUTLET MALLS!

Coming later this week, photos of the blanket my mom made. The food of Las Vegas. The malls that weren't discount cheapy ones! Our rad Christmas gifts, and the best ice cream I ever had that I'll never get to have again (hello Fresh and Easy please move to Reno! My favorite story that is coming? The tale of the stroller that is no more!

Merry Christmas

Can u hear me now

Dear asshole guy at the airport on your phone. We can all hear you stop talking so loud. Also it is obvious you are a tool and you are single. The lady on the phone doesn't like you. Stop bragging about what a fucking idiot you are. Stop talking about how much you dont understand the housing market. No she doesnt want to meet up when you get in town stop asking over and over how many more ways can she say NO. Your weesely laugh is annoying as fuck. We are all laughing at you. Next time maybe learn to talk a little quieter.

Sent from my iPhone

Airport

I'm at the airport watching my parents plane take off with my kid in it. While I understand that the little truck shooting steam at the plane is most likely a safety thing that doesn't mean a little part of me isn't screaming OH SHIT their plane caught fire look at the smoke. In fact that is what I did for the first two minutes till I realiWd what was happening. They should maybe warn us here in the terminal that no folks the plane isn't on fire this is a standard procedure. Cuz homegirl was freaking out

Sent from my iPhone

REGULATORS

SO! Ginger and I are baking (pictures of that later). I have tried my 19048th cup of cocoa and eaten my weight in cookie dough. Needless to say I'm on a good sugar high. Which is why, when Tootsie Roll came on my Ipod I found myself in the living room re-enacting my cheer leading days. So. With out further ado I present

SHANNON DOES CHEERLEADING JUMPS!

READY

OKAY

NOT SO TOE TOUCH!

SHE LANDED IT

BARELY

THIS CONCLUDES OUR LESSON IN OLD LADIES WHO SHOULD NOT BE ATTEMPTING CHEERLEADING JUMPS

(NOT PICTURED, THE PHOTO WHERE GINGER SNAPPED THE PICTURE AT THE EXACT TIME THAT BOTH OF MY BOOBS FLOPPED ALL THE WAY OUT OF MY SHIRT AND BOUNCED UP TOWARD MY EYEBALLS...I PUT ON A JACKET AFTER THAT)

School picture and the piano man

Brandons first school picture. I want to know who this guy was and how in the fuck he got my kid to smile like this.

Seriously after Christmas, once everyone has seen the card and the pictures I'm going to post the outtakes on here because they are funny shit and none of them, not even the good ones look like the kid above. This picture man, whoever he is, IS A GENIUS!

Brandon, like his mom has created his own language. He often comes up with words that he uses normally like they are just...regular old words. He likes to say, "juke." What is a juke? Beats me. He does it whe he is poking you, or tickling you or something. He also loves to say Shawka while making the hang loose sign. Papa taught him that. So, now when he is in trouble I'll say, Brandon why did you do that? He looks at me, thinks for a second and says "shawka" and runs. He has a favorite though. Bawka. Pronounced like Bawk uh. He often says you are a silly bawka. Today he told me I was a silly bawka. Finally I said Brandon what on earth is a Bawka? His reply?

"A bawka is a knucklehead mom and you a bawka."

Thanks kid!

And finally, the piano man!

I believe we have the next Billy Joel on our hands