Screech

I just wanted you all to hear this funny ass noise Codi has been making. It's only 1 minute long.

Screech from wilddreemer on Vimeo.

one and two

Boy one, pulling himself up in his crib at 6 months

Boy two, pulling himself up in his crib at 5 months

Boy one having his first bath in the big boy chair 5.5 months

Boy two having his first bath in big boy chair also 5.5 months

Close up boy one

Close up of boy two

Drowing you in photos

Daddy and Codi bonding

Someone (name rhymes with mom) gave him a cookie

Apparently Brandon thinks he can carry Codi

Today, my mom and Brandon went to check on the little sunflowers they had been growing. They just planted em outside, after they had sprouted them inside. This is what I saw a few minutes later, followed by Brandon informing me, "squirrels mean mom, they ate my plants!"
This, is his "mean" look

The way to a mans heart? While picking up dinner grab a sixer of his favorite beer, and hide one in the fridge. Then ask if he can please grab you the milk

The other way to a mans heart, duh, feed him

Brandon watering his garden

Cheeseball head

Papa teaching Codi to walk

And giving him driving lessons

Brandon wanted in too

How I normally look any given day after work

I just walked into Codi's room to find him standing in his crib. Later tonight I put him to sleep and laid him in his bassinet by my bed. I hear him giggling and rawring (video of this noise coming soon), and walked in to see him standing in his bassinet, holding onto my bed trying to get out. GREAT! Now where in the heck is the little shit supposed to sleep hmmmmm?

MISSION NOT ACCOMPLISHED IN FACT MISSION FAILED HORRIBLY

So this morning I got in my car and said, fuck it, I'm going to listen to my music and be cool. Real cool, not cool like, I saved $7.00 on this grocery trip cool but actual cool. So I plug in my Ipod, turn up my radio, roll down my window and....

Neil Diamond - I am, I said

Okay, Umm, Not cool.

Lets try again. I push next and.

Erm.

Ahem.

Cher - Jesse James

Fuck. This is not looking good. Blushing. Glancing around to see who is looking.

Okay. Come on Shannon pull it together you are cool. You can do this.

NEXT!

Enya - Oronoco flow.

I give up.

I fail miserably at cool.

Someone should take my ipod away from me. I don't even deserve one!

Excuse me while I go visit the itunes top 100 list so I can pretend to be hip and cool tonight while I drive home.

Block

How does that talking heads song go? "How did I get here?" I've been asking myself that a lot lately. How did I get here? While I love my life, I can't help but wondering how I ended up in this spot right here. At what point in my life did I wake up and say, "It's time to stop partying, having fun, sleeping around, and being irresponsible, and time to start changing diapers, going to bed at 7pm, spend my days rushing around, and grow up?" Really at what point do people cognitively stop and say, I want to turn my whole life around?

I'm suffering some sort of writers block lately. The things that are bottling up inside of me are things I don't feel comfortable writing about. Sharing my entire life with those around me is sometimes frightening. Sometimes I find myself feeling limited and restricted. This makes it hard to write freely. With husbands, parents, aunts and uncles reading, there are things I feel like I must keep to myself. I've already suffered a blow out with a family member as a result of things I've written. While he and I no longer talk I still watch my writing because I have never for a second believed that he stopped reading.

There have been thousands of times I've wanted to write about my birth father, but I refrain because of the anger that usual erupts from it. I've wanted to write about past loves or heartaches or current lingerings in my mind, but I don't because what husband wants to read that? There are times I've wanted to write about some of the fun I had when I was younger with the boys, but what dad wants to read that? Times I want to write about disagreements I have at work, or in my daily life, you know, have a sounding board for the comings and goings of my actual life, but I don't, because, I know better.

These limits leave me with blogging about my kids, and little things like my weigh, or clothes or what not. I can't blog about religion or politics because I feel too naive to discuss either. I will never claim to have a vast knowledge in those subjects, well, in many subjects for that matter. I don't often write about my kids, because while I realize a lot of moms come here to read, I also realize there is only so much, "oh look who crawled, walked, back talked, smeared poop on the walls today" talk people can take. Since so many blogs seem to be filled with that lately I try and moderate how often I do. Call it my lame attempt at standing out.

I've found myself being so nostalgic lately. Missing old friends, and habits, and the freedom and fun of being 16. I wouldn't trade my life in for anything but I miss those days. I was someone different then. Poetic, loud, boisterous, mischievous, unaffected, unaffraid. I may have always been depressed and I may have always had large swings, but back then I handled them differently. I wrote poetry, or stories, or letters to myself. I wrote out the sadness and soaked up the music I love. I listened to my songs on full blast, letting the words and beats over take my entire being. I had the time to put a CD on repeat and let a song wash over me 53 times in a row. But I always came out faster, and stayed out longer.

Now, I keep the music down so I don't hurt little ears. I don't have time to listen to a song all the way through let alone 53 times in a row. My days are now filled with raising two young minds. Molding them so they don't turn out like me. And if they do, giving them the tools to handle it better then I do.

I miss having time. Time to write a whole blog on one train of thought rather then write, then jump up to clean purposely spilled water, then write, then run to the pantry to put a toddler in time out for dumping expensive creamer on my floor. I can't keep a train of thought to save my life. I miss the time to lock the door, blare my music and dance naked in the shower for as long as I want. I miss so much.

I wouldn't give up my kids for anything. Does that mean that I have to stop missing the other things though? I don't want to be perceived as someone unhappy with their married family life. Because I'm not. I only wish I could mingle the two. Create some mish mash of that old free spirited girl with the boring mom I've become.

I want to laugh about my trip to the store with Ginger that yielded nothing but donuts, bread, pastry, and canned cheese dip. But instead of laughing I stare nervously at the things I brought home and think about the money wasted and how that could have just bought more milk, or meat, or vegetables. I want to spend hours oggling a tiny baby shimmying and wiggling across a hard wood floor, but as I do, I'm thinking, well gee, you really should be taking a shower right now, or doing dishes, or perhaps sweeping the floor one more fucking time today.

Do you have a happy medium. A place where your youth meets your present? How do you balance the two? Do you simply smother that 16 year old voice in your head begging to party and rock out, or do you let her come out and shine? How do you juggle the fun with the parenting? How do you let yourself enjoy small things with out feeling like a guilty mom taking time away from important things?

Am I alone in this? Do we all miss the selves of yesteryear? Do we all miss our tight jeans, and ass shaking walk, and first kisses, and long tasty nights with men? Do we all miss blowing money on crazy food and drinks rather then sensible things?

Like I said, I'm in a writers block. There are so many good stories in this head, they are just stories I don't think I will ever share. Trying to pic good stories out of my every day life, just reminds me how...mundane I am.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY

I woke up this morning to find some new little treats in my yard. My mom planted some tomatoes, and flowers through out my yard. She also planted something I forget the name, but it is meant to attract honey bees, I wanted to do my part to help the bees. My most favorite part was my new basil plan, and my new lemon thyme plant that joined my rosemary plant. I have already been outside chewing on fresh herbs, (yes I chew on raw fresh herbs, I'm awesome).

I got my sweet baby Codi crawling over to me, he was just so sweet smiling and chasing me on the carpet.

Then my silly little Brandon went outside, ran through the sprinklers, and then to my delight, he shot himself in the face with the hose!

My mom also got me some tulips, my favorite flower

And finally, my husband helped my kids get me a much needed pedicure!

You guys think I'm due for one?

Now my husband is out buying me a bagel. Here's how that went.
Me: K tell em I want an everything toasted with plain.
Rob: Okay an everything bagel toasted with plain cream cheese
Me: NO an everything toasted with plain
Rob: Thats what I said
Me: No you said bagel, you don't say bagel, you're at a bagel shop obviously your buying a bagel, it's bagel lingo silly,
Rob: Cool an everything bagel with plain cream cheese toasted
Me: Sigh, he soooo doesn't get bagel shop lingo **shakes head**

I am now sitting here on my couch watching the Oprah sandwich showdown. I'm salivating, and I'm wondering why I didn't send Rob to the sammich shop, or no even better to the deli for loaves and loaves of fresh bread and cheese.

Come to think of it, Ginger is coming over soon, I think I will drag her to the store for some bread and cheeeese!

I'm a little slow this morning, we went to a birthday last night and I have a hang over.
No not that kind of hang over, I don't drink.
Two words:
CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN!

Am now suffering severe sugar crash. Fierce sugar hang over. Please bring me two Tylenol, a glass of water and a plate of greasy bacon, eggs, hashbrowns, and toast.

Both babies are sleeping right now, I'm watching Oprah, drinking coffee waiting on bagel to arrive.

Life is good!

Blackout

I'm posting at work. I don't care. It's five minutes and I need to write this while its fresh, while the hurt is still there.

I yelled at Brandon this morning. I yelled at him because he wouldn't brush his teeth. I grabbed his arms with force and put him on his stool and shouted. I feel like shit. I want to cry. I hate myself for it. I know, I only yelled, I didn't hit him, spank him, even slap his hand, but to me it's worse.

I hate these days. The days where I can't get a handle on my emotions. Where I start the morning feeling hot and cute and sexy and happy, and in an instant I snap. I change. I'm horrid. I feel it coming on, I can't control it. I want to make it stop, even as I'm yelling at him, I'm yelling in my head STOP IT SHANNON STOP GET CONTROL. I just pulled into work and I feel my defenses going up. I already know I will be hyper aware of him today. I will protect him, keep him from trouble and be extra nice. I don't want him to feel worse then he already did this morning when his own mom shouted at him.

I'm going on an internet black out today. Don't instant message me I won't be there. I need to do some work, hear some music and be alone with my thoughts. No one elses, no idle conversation, just push it aside and work. I have to think, clear my head. Move on from this morning and pull myself out of this.

I'll be back tomorrow, but for today, just leave me alone. Let me stew in m own anger at myself. I need to be a better mom.

Later.

Baby steps

I was just watching an old episode of Oprah on Tivo and I am totally appalled. It is about families who waste stuff. Not just a little waste BIG HUGE GIANT ENORMOUS HUGE WASTE. As in, if it has been opened for more then three days they throw it away before grocery shopping again. They did this every week. Every single week they would bring in giant black garbage bags and clean out their cabinets. Half boxes of cereal GONE, half bottles of soda GONE, any left overs GONE, if their daughter had the father drive to the coffee shop and pick up a bagel, then changed her mind before he got home the bagel was GONE. No one would eat it, no one would just pack it in their lunch, it was just tossed in the trash. Their heater was held at 82, all the lights and tvs were on even if no one was watching. One kid alone used 7-8 water bottles a day. She had a closet with over 100 tank tops and about 50 of them had tags on them. Some of her clothes she didn't even remember buying or owning.

Oprah's solution was to make them go one tiny week with out some stuff. No cell phones, video games or computers (unless for homework), and only one hour of TV a day for the entire family, and only one TV on in the whole house. No shopping at all, and they had to eat what they had in their house. The heat could not go over 70. While I think it was a cool concept I really think they should have done it for a lot longer then a silly week.

While watching this one of the things that came to me, was the same reoccurring theme I've noticed lately. That theme being, you need to start early with kids rather then wait until they are fifteen, sixteen, seventeen or even eighteen to try and repair the damages caused. Meaning that waiting until your child is fifteen to say, sorry, no TV, phones, computers and so on IS A VERY BAD IDEA.

Now that I'm done watching the show I've thought of the small changes I've tried making lately. I've stopped using water bottles, I'm trying to ween myself off paper plates and bowls. I'm recycling my plastic utensils at work, and recycling all paper, plastic, glass and aluminum I can at home (this is new, I used to say recycling took too much effort), and trying to use less water. I never throw food away. I take it to work and give it to one of my guys, or take it to family I know will eat it, or send it to work with my husband and he gives it to all his friends. I hate throwing stuff away now. When I grocery shop I only buy exactly what we need so nothing ends up wasted. No longer do you open my fridge and see wilted lettuce or veggies, or rotten cheese. No more buying fruit for looks and then letting it mold, I eat it all up. I buy 5 apples. One for every work day and that is it.

The strange part is how much I enjoy this. I really enjoy doing good things. I enjoy using green household products (side note does anyone know a good green kid safe product that cleans pergo floors?), and I enjoy recycling. I like knowing I'm doing a little something to help my kids future.

However I want to do better. I want to turn off the lights, and TV's and computers. I want to take shorter showers. I want to recycle more, I want to be careful about what I put back into the earth. Mostly I want to do whatever I can to make it so my kids still have an earth (even if my mom just told me they will probably just get bombed and drafted and killed anyway (because that didn't help my anxiety any)). I'm trying to teach Brandon to turn off his lights and Tv when he isn't in his room. When cooking in the evening I open all the curtains and use natural light. I want to do better. This is hard!

What about you? What small things do you do to help the earth? What changes do you wish you could make? What great tips do you have? Any fun little advice? Also, does anyone know where I can buy envirosacs locally? They are mostly sold out online, and I'd rather not pay shipping, and then have to pollute the earth with the delivery trucks and what not when I can just grab them during a routine shopping trip.

Probably only funny because I dislike her so much

Click here

A real parenting issue

Instead of talking about how my husband flooded the kitchen filling his water bottle up the other night, or how Brandon slathered a freshly bathed Codi's head in rash cream we are going to talk about dentists instead.

Even though we brush Brandons teeth every morning and every night, he has still developed a cavity. It is right between his two front teeth. I guess the spot I'm most at fault was listening to my adult dentist when they said you didn't need to take kids to the dentist until they are three. After visiting the childrens dentist I've learned you in fact need to take them as soon as that first tooth comes out. You do this because they can seal each tooth as it erupts. The childrens dentist let me know that most adult dentists don't want to deal with small children so they tell parents to wait until they are 3 thinking the children will be easier to handle. I must say that my child isn't going to be easy to handle at any age.

I would like to talk about Brandon's first visit to the dentist and then discuss their plan of action and my response.

We arrived at the appointment 15 minutes early at 8:45. We went into the waiting room and Brandon played with all of the toys. Numerous children came in after us. All of them were seen before us. By 9:20 I started looking towards the reception desk. Finally at 9:25 she informed me that she went back and asked what was going on because she felt bad for me. It was clear Brandons attention was waining and she didn't like people being late. The receptionist let me know that the doctor had another new patient in front of me and the appointment ran long because they like to take time with new patients.

At about 9:28 we were taken back. We were met with two assistants. One to handle me and one to handle Brandon. We were taken into a private room with a door, they referred to it as, a "quiet room." One assistant took Brandon to her equipment and showed him each tool. She let him turn on the suction, and the other tools and touch everything. While she was doing this the other assistant was going over care, procedure and what would happen with me.



From there they walked us out to a little sink station. They had three different size sinks and he got to go to the shortest size. First "his" assistant painted some purple disclosing liquid on his teeth. We were given a bag with a toothbrush, some fluoride toothpaste, a disclosing tablet to try at home, some children's dental floss, a flossing toothpick, and a 3 minute timer.



The assistant had me remove the toothbrush and put some toothpaste on. She asked me to show her how we brushed at home. However at this exact moment Brandon happened to turn around and realize he was standing 5 feet away from the lady blowing up balloons. His attention was lost at that exact second. I was highly frustrated with the entire thing. I thought a childrens dentist would be slightly smarter then to place balloons in the line of site of a child who had yet to be examined. We rinsed him up and went back to the exam room. I was informed the dentist would be right in.

About 20 minutes later Brandon had completely lost all attention and patience and had become consumed with getting a balloon. The dentist still hadn't come in and I was getting phone calls that Codi was refusing a bottle and starving. At this point he had been with out food for probably 3 hours as he was asleep when I had dropped him off with my mom. I stepped out of the room to ask what the hold up was. They told me that they were trying to place a crown on a small child and would get in soon.

Another 10 minutes later the doctor came in. Brandon promptly asked for a balloon. She attempted to examine him but he was over it. So, because of their tardiness my child did not receive X-rays or a cleaning. The doctor opened his mouth, saw the cavity and informed me he needed to have both front teeth crowned and that he would have to be knocked out to do so. I was totally shocked. I had seen the cavity myself and assumed he would need a filling. But crowning two baby teeth seemed a bit much to me. I inquired about it and she told me that since he was so little he wouldn't be able to hold still long enough for a filling, and because of the location a crown would be better.

My next question was, "Excuse me by why in the fuck do you think you need to knock my child out?" I was told that he was too small and would be too wiggly to be consciously sedated. I asked about the laughing gas and why he couldn't sit in my lap. She simply replied, "no he needs to be knocked out." She had the assistant get him some balloons and told me I needed to go and schedule immediately for his crown. I walked towards scheduling in a daze. When I arrived in the private discussion room I informed the lady I had a nursing baby at home who needed food and I would come back. I scheduled an appointment for Tuesday and left.

After this I flew to Oregon cleared my mind and then came back to deal with the dentist. After doing a lot of thinking I went back to meet the scheduling lady. She went over the whole thing. Brandon would have to have the crown done at a hospital. He will be put under via IV. The risks and so on, and of course cost. Let me first say, that I don't give a shit about cost when it comes to my kid. If they had said we have to do something for him and it will cost you one arm, I would have gladly handed over my arm.

Finally the lady gave me a chance to speak and I presented my concerns. Here are the things I said:

I think he is to young to be put under period. This is my child, my entire life, my whole world and you want to knock him out over some teeth, I think not.

He will be 3 in about 3.5 months. Even at three he will be able to sit still longer, and at 3 and a half he would be able to sit still even longer. Why did no one discuss with me the possibility of sealing the teeth and seeing how long we could hold off, to possibly avoid knocking him out?

If we were able to hold out for longer then wouldn't laughing gas be a possibility if he simply sat in my lap and I restrained him if he began to wiggle?

Why are they trying to schedule to do a crown on two teeth with out doing an X-ray, and cleaning and full exam? When I asked this her reply was, "well they would just do all of that while he is under and if he needs more fillings they will accommodate." Umm, okay so now you want to put my child under for an extra extended period of time to do X-ray's because your office was too late to do them during his scheduled visit. Again, I think not.

I DON'T WANT TO KNOCK MY TWO YEAR OLD OUT!

Finally the lady asked me about scheduling. She remembered my last visit and asked if at anytime I was informed of how much time it would take. I replied no. Then I said, "you know even if you had told me, and I had brought my infant along to nurse, you were still about 45 minutes late total and that still was a burden in my day, also because of this my son got less care and treatment." She apologized and said she would talk to everyone involved because she really could relate to my frustration.

The final verdict was this. I set a follow up appointment for Brandon in three months. He will be 3 at his next visit. They will check the status of the cavity. As of now it is not bothering him, should he start complaining it hurts before then I will take him in and re-evaluate. She will present my questions to the doctor and they will call me to follow up about prolonging the crowns until he is possibly old enough to have it done while awake.

Now I would like to ask all of you, what would you do in my place? Would you allow your child to be knocked out? Would you wait like I am? What would you do. I plan to contact his pediatrician and another children's dentist for some second and third opinions.

Emery, I remember you dealt with something similar with Ezra, how did you handle it and how did it work out in the end?

I'm asking for assvice here so let me have it people!