Probably only funny because I dislike her so much

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A real parenting issue

Instead of talking about how my husband flooded the kitchen filling his water bottle up the other night, or how Brandon slathered a freshly bathed Codi's head in rash cream we are going to talk about dentists instead.

Even though we brush Brandons teeth every morning and every night, he has still developed a cavity. It is right between his two front teeth. I guess the spot I'm most at fault was listening to my adult dentist when they said you didn't need to take kids to the dentist until they are three. After visiting the childrens dentist I've learned you in fact need to take them as soon as that first tooth comes out. You do this because they can seal each tooth as it erupts. The childrens dentist let me know that most adult dentists don't want to deal with small children so they tell parents to wait until they are 3 thinking the children will be easier to handle. I must say that my child isn't going to be easy to handle at any age.

I would like to talk about Brandon's first visit to the dentist and then discuss their plan of action and my response.

We arrived at the appointment 15 minutes early at 8:45. We went into the waiting room and Brandon played with all of the toys. Numerous children came in after us. All of them were seen before us. By 9:20 I started looking towards the reception desk. Finally at 9:25 she informed me that she went back and asked what was going on because she felt bad for me. It was clear Brandons attention was waining and she didn't like people being late. The receptionist let me know that the doctor had another new patient in front of me and the appointment ran long because they like to take time with new patients.

At about 9:28 we were taken back. We were met with two assistants. One to handle me and one to handle Brandon. We were taken into a private room with a door, they referred to it as, a "quiet room." One assistant took Brandon to her equipment and showed him each tool. She let him turn on the suction, and the other tools and touch everything. While she was doing this the other assistant was going over care, procedure and what would happen with me.



From there they walked us out to a little sink station. They had three different size sinks and he got to go to the shortest size. First "his" assistant painted some purple disclosing liquid on his teeth. We were given a bag with a toothbrush, some fluoride toothpaste, a disclosing tablet to try at home, some children's dental floss, a flossing toothpick, and a 3 minute timer.



The assistant had me remove the toothbrush and put some toothpaste on. She asked me to show her how we brushed at home. However at this exact moment Brandon happened to turn around and realize he was standing 5 feet away from the lady blowing up balloons. His attention was lost at that exact second. I was highly frustrated with the entire thing. I thought a childrens dentist would be slightly smarter then to place balloons in the line of site of a child who had yet to be examined. We rinsed him up and went back to the exam room. I was informed the dentist would be right in.

About 20 minutes later Brandon had completely lost all attention and patience and had become consumed with getting a balloon. The dentist still hadn't come in and I was getting phone calls that Codi was refusing a bottle and starving. At this point he had been with out food for probably 3 hours as he was asleep when I had dropped him off with my mom. I stepped out of the room to ask what the hold up was. They told me that they were trying to place a crown on a small child and would get in soon.

Another 10 minutes later the doctor came in. Brandon promptly asked for a balloon. She attempted to examine him but he was over it. So, because of their tardiness my child did not receive X-rays or a cleaning. The doctor opened his mouth, saw the cavity and informed me he needed to have both front teeth crowned and that he would have to be knocked out to do so. I was totally shocked. I had seen the cavity myself and assumed he would need a filling. But crowning two baby teeth seemed a bit much to me. I inquired about it and she told me that since he was so little he wouldn't be able to hold still long enough for a filling, and because of the location a crown would be better.

My next question was, "Excuse me by why in the fuck do you think you need to knock my child out?" I was told that he was too small and would be too wiggly to be consciously sedated. I asked about the laughing gas and why he couldn't sit in my lap. She simply replied, "no he needs to be knocked out." She had the assistant get him some balloons and told me I needed to go and schedule immediately for his crown. I walked towards scheduling in a daze. When I arrived in the private discussion room I informed the lady I had a nursing baby at home who needed food and I would come back. I scheduled an appointment for Tuesday and left.

After this I flew to Oregon cleared my mind and then came back to deal with the dentist. After doing a lot of thinking I went back to meet the scheduling lady. She went over the whole thing. Brandon would have to have the crown done at a hospital. He will be put under via IV. The risks and so on, and of course cost. Let me first say, that I don't give a shit about cost when it comes to my kid. If they had said we have to do something for him and it will cost you one arm, I would have gladly handed over my arm.

Finally the lady gave me a chance to speak and I presented my concerns. Here are the things I said:

I think he is to young to be put under period. This is my child, my entire life, my whole world and you want to knock him out over some teeth, I think not.

He will be 3 in about 3.5 months. Even at three he will be able to sit still longer, and at 3 and a half he would be able to sit still even longer. Why did no one discuss with me the possibility of sealing the teeth and seeing how long we could hold off, to possibly avoid knocking him out?

If we were able to hold out for longer then wouldn't laughing gas be a possibility if he simply sat in my lap and I restrained him if he began to wiggle?

Why are they trying to schedule to do a crown on two teeth with out doing an X-ray, and cleaning and full exam? When I asked this her reply was, "well they would just do all of that while he is under and if he needs more fillings they will accommodate." Umm, okay so now you want to put my child under for an extra extended period of time to do X-ray's because your office was too late to do them during his scheduled visit. Again, I think not.

I DON'T WANT TO KNOCK MY TWO YEAR OLD OUT!

Finally the lady asked me about scheduling. She remembered my last visit and asked if at anytime I was informed of how much time it would take. I replied no. Then I said, "you know even if you had told me, and I had brought my infant along to nurse, you were still about 45 minutes late total and that still was a burden in my day, also because of this my son got less care and treatment." She apologized and said she would talk to everyone involved because she really could relate to my frustration.

The final verdict was this. I set a follow up appointment for Brandon in three months. He will be 3 at his next visit. They will check the status of the cavity. As of now it is not bothering him, should he start complaining it hurts before then I will take him in and re-evaluate. She will present my questions to the doctor and they will call me to follow up about prolonging the crowns until he is possibly old enough to have it done while awake.

Now I would like to ask all of you, what would you do in my place? Would you allow your child to be knocked out? Would you wait like I am? What would you do. I plan to contact his pediatrician and another children's dentist for some second and third opinions.

Emery, I remember you dealt with something similar with Ezra, how did you handle it and how did it work out in the end?

I'm asking for assvice here so let me have it people!

How to grocery shop like a pro

Step 1: Arrive at store only to discover you have forgotten to put your Moby Wrap back in your car after trip to Oregon. Stand there realizing you have two kids in your car.

Step 2: Scratch head for a while before deciding to us the only logical shopping cart for your trip. Grab this.Step three: Attach baby to base of cart inside of his car seat. Coerce two year old into putting the ill placed kites right at the front door back and get in beg him to get into his little car.

Step four: Enter grocery store and immediately try and wrangle two year old back into his car as he has just jumped out and gone flailing at top speed toward a stupid balloon posted right in the front of the store IN HIS REACH.

Step five: Realize the store is out of the apples, oranges, onions, and potatoes you want. Beg and plead with your child to please stay in the cart.

Step six: Purchase a watermelon in place of Clementine's. Consider purchasing back brace to lift said watermelon.

Step seven: Get suckered into buying Diego Yogurt drinks because stupid grocery store places them low on the shelf making them eye level with small whiney children.

Step eight: Crowd isles while you pry tiny foil lid off said yogurt drink because two year old refuses to sit still unless he gets to drink yogurt RIGHT NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW.

Step nine: Go to check out. Pry numerous candy bars from sons hands because stupid ass grocery store places candy in reach of tiny fingers. Finally finish and attempt to maneuver stupid ass cart to your car. Looking like this,
Step ten: Watch in horror as your son flings yogurt and yogurt container out of cart all over himself and parking lot.

Step eleven: Go to clean up yogurt and discover that two year old has stolen pack of gum opened it up and eating over half of it.

Step twelve: Confiscate said gum, march two year old back to store to pay for it then throw it away to teach two year old NOT TO STEAL.

Step thirteen: Get back to car go to unpack bags and see that bagger has packed your bags like this,
Yeah, because that doesn't look healthy (there was actually two more items in bag but I removed them so you could see the copious amounts of milk and creamer).

Step fourteen: Repack bags so they are actually liftable and unload groceries. Put kids in car and get inside.

Step fifteen: Scan receipt and realize check charged you .96 per pound for watermelon as opposed to .47 meaning your $5.00 watermelon just became a $9.00 watermelon.

Step sixteen: Decide that $4.00 isn't worth dragging kids back to store, and wonder why you still shop here since this is the 5th time in 4 months they have fucked up your receipt.

Step seventeen: Get home and take inventory of everything you forgot at the store while wrestling with child. Start new list of things to buy, realize you need at least 7 things and you were just at the fucking store.

Step eighteen: Realize you still have one child covered in yogurt and must bathe him. Attempt to cram groceries into fridge and rush to bathe child.

Step nineteen: Realize you need to bathe baby also. Give both kids a bath, and discover you look like a disaster yourself, and have had a pretty rough day.

Step twenty: Take photo to show the world how totally unglamorous you are on a daily basis after chasing a two year old and nursing a baby.

Step twenty one: Wait three days AND THEN remember the watermelon rolling around in your car.

Back in Black

(I'm going to post pictures in segments so they will all be out of order and what not, here is your first lot of pictures)


Here I am sitting at the air port getting ready to go see Jen. We got on the plane and flew over. Upon looking out my window in Oregon I discovered IT'S GREEN! I took pictures but they don't do justice to the green ness I saw! I got off the plane walked the 5 miles to baggage claim and suddenly saw Jen running towards me. I can sense a hug from a mile a way and this girl was going to hug me. I announced quickly, "it's okay you can hug me," and then we giggled because I had just said that. We headed out to the parking garage and rode the elevator to the wrong floor. I made some kind of joke about I was going to blog about this, how we were only together a few seconds and already having troubles (little did I know). We get to her car and I grab the car seat out of the bag and pull it out of the base. Umm I said, PULL IT OUT OF THE BASE!!! Note to car seat, thats your cue to come out of the base.

(Insert Shannon and Jen scratching our heads here)

So we look at each other, look at the car seat and do the only logical thing, we pull harder. Nope. Doesn't budge. Okay well how about if I hold it this way and you pull. Nothing. This is the point where I eloquently say, "Jen i'm going to start cussing now, and I know you don't cuss," this is the same time Jen was like, "Duh, yeah I do cuss loser gosh, I just pretend not to cuss on my blog."

Right about now I'm getting mad. I look at Jen and inform her that I'm going to throw this fucking bitch on the pavement. So I do. I threw it, we dropped it, we jiggled it and wiggled it and yelled at it, telling it what a dirty little whore it was being. Then we packed back up walked inside and begged Southwest to help us. Southwest guy who will hereunto be called Wussy boy acted like an idiot who had no clue what to do and said, hmm gee maybe uh, umm, I'm a moron and I can't help you.

So we walked out by baggage claim and I started throwing it around more. Some really nice guy came over and said he had the same car seat so he would help. He tinkered with it, pulled and tugged and then he broke it even worse.

Finally we had to call Jens sister, have her bring us Jens car seat, leaving Jens baby with her husband. We loaded Codi in Coles car seat drove the Jens and ate. Then we had to fucking drive to Babies R Us and buy a goddamn fucking car seat. While we were doing that her husband was taking a crow bar to the car seat. IT STILL DIDN'T BUDGE.

Observe the bitch whore car seat. I will be calling Graco today to complain.
After the car seat situation I was able to make my first observance of Oregon.

Lots of hippies smells like Pachoulli.

I later revised it to lots of hippies, smells like pachoilli, and smells like tasty flowers. Everywhere I looked there were gorgeous flowers.

The boys got along great! Codi spent a lot of time being a bully and poking Cole in the eye.

Jen and her husband took me to Bread and Ink Cafe for breakfast on Saturday. I got VEGETARIAN biscuits and gravy with a scone. I took a bite of each and at that exact moment I knew I wanted to move to Oregon and live inside of this restaurant! I do not lie when I say this was the best food I've ever tasted in my life.

Biscuits & Gravy – Fresh black pepper biscuit smothered with herb gravy (choice of Sausage Gravy or Vegetarian), topped with Italian sausage and cheddar cheese. Served very hot with two eggs any style.

We also ate at Hedge House, and Pix. Pix sold nothing but desert and coffee. I got the following two deserts.
The Pixie Pistachios, almond paste, and raspberry jam are the main ingredients making up this layered concoction people can’t seem to get enough of. One woman replied after her first taste, “Oh! This makes me wanna dance!” Enough said. (This was only two bites big not as huge as it appears)

Queen of Sheba Truffle Cake

Moist chocolate almond cake with bittersweet chocolate center. Warm slightly for molten chocolate center.

Saturday morning we went to the farmers market and bought a shit ton of fresh veggies, potatoes, asparagus, shallots, lettuce, bread, cheese, strawberries, and sugar snap peas. We also went to buy some green onions but were informed they were some fancy version of garlic. This was a real farmers market. It had everything there. I now hate Reno's wannabe version.

That night Jens husband took all of our findings and created a dinner for us. Roasted potatoes with shallots, asparagus in balsamic. Then he laid out the lettuce, and all the individual components of it to as a snack/salad bar, with bread, olive oil and vinegar. I didn't feel fat or anything after that. To finish off we had cupcakes which I will post about later.

By far my favorite part of the trip was when I met Lindsey. My first impression of Lindsey is, she is short like me and super fucking skinny. I was excited about the short part because tall people make me nervous and I always thought Lindsey was way tall. However, the reason this was my favorite part, is the following picture. Let me first remind you, LINDSEY IS A TEACHER she is supposed to be good with kids. Which is why, this is so fucking hilarious...This is what happened when we left Lindsey in the room alone with the two kids for about 4 seconds...

Isn't it awesome? The kids were both tired, ready for bed and pissed right off when she even looked at them. However they finally fell asleep and we posed them with Lindsey for vindication so she could show everyone that babies really don't hate her (even if they were sleeping)

One is mine, one is hers.

I had a really great time. I'll write more about it during the week. Ulitmatly when I went there, I suddenly felt like I was home. If I could talk my mom and dad into moving there I would go in an instant, everything about it felt right especially all the hippies, pachoulli and flowers!

I'm leaving on a jet plane

All my bags are packed I'm ready to go

Playing a quick game of hide and seek with Brandon. We were hiding from dad.

And here you go, the post that started it all. The post that Jen read that made her contact me. Here is the post that made us become friends. So, I owe it all to this blog and this post that I am flying to Oregon tomorrow.

On another note, ya'll remember, if anything happens to me, you tell Brandon how much I love him. You make sure he reads his personal blog and you all give him a big kiss for me!

Also, maybe someone could remind my husband, just how much I love him to, if anything happens to me. Also, remind him he can't get married till Brandon is about 9 and old enough to remember me. Also remind him I am going to haunt him, so please, still don't fart in bed!

And then tell my parents that if anything happens, I will haunt them too, and the way they will know, I'll rearrange all my dads tools, and mess with all my moms wizard guys! Oh and remind them I love them also, and I am so thankful for all they do.


Okay must go get beauty rest now, I have 0ad beauty competition with Jen tomorrow, she's hawt ya'll, she even got herself a new hurrcut!

(No clue why I just started talking like the rapper Nelly)

Mamas got a brand new toy

Isn't it beautiful

It's gorgeous isn't it

Do you see it close up?

NOW do you see what it is?

This new Canon Digital Rebel XTi sure does take some great pictures of my pimples huh? Look you can see every one of my eyebrow hairs. If I primped and stuff this would be a clear sign that mama needs a brow wax. I also need a shower, an some chapstick. Gosh. I will not be focusing any more photos this close on me!

A pretty lame attempt at funny

One of my most favorite blogs to read would be Val. She is um, everything I think I would have turned out to be had I not, gotten married and had kids. Oh yeah, and if I was BRAVE! As a little aside to Val, I just recently (read with in the month) realized Val was short for Valley Girl and not just some old lady pseudo name you chose for your self. I'm a quick one, I am!

Anywho she recently wrote this post about people stealing her ideas and what not. I did immediately did what I think every other blogger did and said, "oh no is it me she is mad at?"

But then I stepped back in reality and realized even if I wanted I couldn't pretend to steal even a shred of her glamorous life. However, I could totally rip her off in a less funny, kind of sad way, which is just what I intend to do (I'm gonna tell her ya'll gosh).

My current favorite post of Val's is this one. I giggle like a school girl every time I read it, err, look at it. This explains it a little better. (Val, I'm trying to back link like you do just for this one post and it's driving me fucking bonkers, I now have a new found respect for every goddamn link you post in your blogs)!

So, in honor of Val, I present to you all, my version of THE MECHANICS. Here is how the current three some in my house goes!

Also, I'm not near as fancy as ya'll with your photoshop doohicky, so I drew this in Microsoft Word, then made a screen shot (that Lee reminds me how to do daily), put it in my iphoto and cropped it. Look at me go.

Ahem, Can I please have a moist towelette?

You have a little something right there...just a smidge

Exhausting

I can't count how many times lately that I've said or written or thought, "I'm exhausted". People keep looking for a reason. Even I looked too. It isn't lack of sleep, because I've never slept so my body is used to that. It isn't how I'm eating. It isn't the amount of exercise I'm getting. I couldn't pin point it until this morning. For a while I thought I was stuck in a 5 month black hole. But now I'm beginning to realize it's been a series of holes. In and out in and out in and out.

I realized there have been a few days where I would say, "I feel like I am coming out of it," only what was really happing is I had come out of it, for about two days and then I would fall back in. I now understand this constant up and down is what is exhausting me.

My mind is in a mental cage match, I feel like I'm being mentally body slammed every ten minutes. I go in and out so fast I know longer know the difference between the two. Just when I feel my self coming out BAMN. I feel like I've been tossed into a well. When I look down at my fingers I expect to see them bloodied because I feel like I'm constantly trying to climb out, and just when I reach the edge I fall back in, and right now I feel like I'm drowning.

It is that right there that is exhausting my mind and body. Talking abut it is exhausting. Knowing people think nothing is wrong is exhausting. Trying to hold it together and not sit crying for hours is exhausting. Attempting to complete every day mundane tasks is exhausting. Trying to draw the line between having control of this, and become a bad mom, wife, friend is exhausting. Trying to keep it to myself so that I don't bring anyone else down is the most exhausting part of all.

Fighting with myself to write this was hard. I don't want to write this and then hear the questions, and see the looks, or hear the voices in other peoples heads when they feel like there is nothing really wrong. But I can't not write it because wrestling with this all alone is impossible. These thoughts are engulfing me and swallowing me like a tidal wave.

I hate being the blog that depresses people, but at times I feel it isn't fair for me to carry this alone. Then I think when I'm not being funny I'm letting down those like me who read blogs searching for comic relief in their lives.

I'm loaded with things I should be doing and then when I don't do them I feel like I'm failing. I've been trying to choose things simply for me and I'm left feeling selfish, and as if I have let the world down because I can't do it all, or remember it all.

My kids are my saving grace. Their innocence and carefree attitude gives me hope. I would love to some day feel a glimmer of the happiness they feel. That is why I feel as if I'm letting down the universe when I lose my temper with Brandon. Because in essence my children are my universe. My husband is a simple man, so it takes a lot to let him down, but these kids, they don't know any thing besides 100%. Kids don't understand, "hang on mommy just needs to relax." Kids don't understand that saying mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom every fucking second of the day is actually enough to drive a person insane. It is because of this I feel like I can't even get mad at him.

This weekend there was a point (when he flushed his jammies down the toilet to be exact) where I just had to walk in my room and scream. The sad part though is I wasn't screaming because I was mad. Because in reality I thought it was pretty funny and I wanted to take a picture. I was screaming because knowing that I had to clean it, and stop him, and handle one more fucking situation suddenly became so overwhelming I felt it was either I scream in my room or I flush him down the toilet too.

I've been trying so hard to be better to Brandon. Trying to talk to him rather then yell. Trying to rationalize with him. Trying to understand, he's only two, he's going to get in trouble a lot. He doesn't understand anger. He doesn't understand long explanations. He doesn't understand people need to work, or cook, or do things. All he knows is that he wants something and he wants it now. He isn't old enough to know anything different, and I really try and understand that.

The mental and physical exhaustion is killing me. It's making it so hard to function, and yet the insomnia keeps me up at night making sleep impossible. My mind never sleeps, and I never sleep.

I don't know where to go from here. I want to sit in a closet and cry and cry and cry. Huge convulsing ugly tears. But I can't. I have to be a mom, and a wife, and a friend, and a daughter, and doing that sort of thing just makes it harder on those around me. So I put on a happy face in order to protect them.

Only, now I'm wondering, when am I supposed to protect me?

CRAWLING

NOW THAT HE IS CRAWLING, HE HAS DECIDED TO START CRAWLING OUT OF SQUISHY SOFT CODI BABY SIDE OF MY OFFICE AND CRAWL OVER TO YUCKY METAL DESK SIDE..AND THEN OF COURSE, LICK MY METAL DESK. UHH GUESS IT'S TIME TO START CHILD PROOFING THE OFFICE AGAIN EH?