Ahem, Can I please have a moist towelette?

You have a little something right there...just a smidge

Exhausting

I can't count how many times lately that I've said or written or thought, "I'm exhausted". People keep looking for a reason. Even I looked too. It isn't lack of sleep, because I've never slept so my body is used to that. It isn't how I'm eating. It isn't the amount of exercise I'm getting. I couldn't pin point it until this morning. For a while I thought I was stuck in a 5 month black hole. But now I'm beginning to realize it's been a series of holes. In and out in and out in and out.

I realized there have been a few days where I would say, "I feel like I am coming out of it," only what was really happing is I had come out of it, for about two days and then I would fall back in. I now understand this constant up and down is what is exhausting me.

My mind is in a mental cage match, I feel like I'm being mentally body slammed every ten minutes. I go in and out so fast I know longer know the difference between the two. Just when I feel my self coming out BAMN. I feel like I've been tossed into a well. When I look down at my fingers I expect to see them bloodied because I feel like I'm constantly trying to climb out, and just when I reach the edge I fall back in, and right now I feel like I'm drowning.

It is that right there that is exhausting my mind and body. Talking abut it is exhausting. Knowing people think nothing is wrong is exhausting. Trying to hold it together and not sit crying for hours is exhausting. Attempting to complete every day mundane tasks is exhausting. Trying to draw the line between having control of this, and become a bad mom, wife, friend is exhausting. Trying to keep it to myself so that I don't bring anyone else down is the most exhausting part of all.

Fighting with myself to write this was hard. I don't want to write this and then hear the questions, and see the looks, or hear the voices in other peoples heads when they feel like there is nothing really wrong. But I can't not write it because wrestling with this all alone is impossible. These thoughts are engulfing me and swallowing me like a tidal wave.

I hate being the blog that depresses people, but at times I feel it isn't fair for me to carry this alone. Then I think when I'm not being funny I'm letting down those like me who read blogs searching for comic relief in their lives.

I'm loaded with things I should be doing and then when I don't do them I feel like I'm failing. I've been trying to choose things simply for me and I'm left feeling selfish, and as if I have let the world down because I can't do it all, or remember it all.

My kids are my saving grace. Their innocence and carefree attitude gives me hope. I would love to some day feel a glimmer of the happiness they feel. That is why I feel as if I'm letting down the universe when I lose my temper with Brandon. Because in essence my children are my universe. My husband is a simple man, so it takes a lot to let him down, but these kids, they don't know any thing besides 100%. Kids don't understand, "hang on mommy just needs to relax." Kids don't understand that saying mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom every fucking second of the day is actually enough to drive a person insane. It is because of this I feel like I can't even get mad at him.

This weekend there was a point (when he flushed his jammies down the toilet to be exact) where I just had to walk in my room and scream. The sad part though is I wasn't screaming because I was mad. Because in reality I thought it was pretty funny and I wanted to take a picture. I was screaming because knowing that I had to clean it, and stop him, and handle one more fucking situation suddenly became so overwhelming I felt it was either I scream in my room or I flush him down the toilet too.

I've been trying so hard to be better to Brandon. Trying to talk to him rather then yell. Trying to rationalize with him. Trying to understand, he's only two, he's going to get in trouble a lot. He doesn't understand anger. He doesn't understand long explanations. He doesn't understand people need to work, or cook, or do things. All he knows is that he wants something and he wants it now. He isn't old enough to know anything different, and I really try and understand that.

The mental and physical exhaustion is killing me. It's making it so hard to function, and yet the insomnia keeps me up at night making sleep impossible. My mind never sleeps, and I never sleep.

I don't know where to go from here. I want to sit in a closet and cry and cry and cry. Huge convulsing ugly tears. But I can't. I have to be a mom, and a wife, and a friend, and a daughter, and doing that sort of thing just makes it harder on those around me. So I put on a happy face in order to protect them.

Only, now I'm wondering, when am I supposed to protect me?

CRAWLING

NOW THAT HE IS CRAWLING, HE HAS DECIDED TO START CRAWLING OUT OF SQUISHY SOFT CODI BABY SIDE OF MY OFFICE AND CRAWL OVER TO YUCKY METAL DESK SIDE..AND THEN OF COURSE, LICK MY METAL DESK. UHH GUESS IT'S TIME TO START CHILD PROOFING THE OFFICE AGAIN EH?

This weekend should have caused me to have a mental overload

Things my child did this weekend

• He put a handful of soap in his hair, spiked it up and declared it washed, then..
  

• He cut his own hair!
  

• With scissors

• Then he cut holes in my favorite shirt of his

• Again, WITH SCISSORS

• He spent the rest of the weekend declaring he got a haircut
  

• In an attempt to throw his cupcake outside he instead threw it so it landed half on my wall and half outside

• While I was cleaning cupcake bits off the floor and wall he was busy eating said cupcake off the dirty sandy patio out back

• When I asked him to get off the toilet and get dressed he informed me, "no, I just have more poop in my butt, I not done."

• I walked in to find him flushing his pajama pants down the toilet, then pulling them out and swinging them over his head like a lasso

• I told him no, came back and found him flushing an entire roll of baby wipes down the toilet

• It was time to eat so I gave him some cream of wheat, which he decided to eat with his fingers

• He also decided to smear cream of wheat HEAD TO TOE down his body, across my table and on my chairs

• I laid out his outfit for the day, a cute pair of brown and orange board shorts with a hibiscus flower and a wife beater, he exclaimed to Rob, "I NOT WEAR THESE SHORTS THEY TO FOWERY"

• Followed by, "Dad, these shorts are fower power"

• I then walked in on him flushing a crayon down the toilet. He went to time out, came out and ...

• Flushed another crayon down the toilet while dying of laughter

• Responded to everything Rob told him with SO SO SO SO SO!
  

• Then he body slammed Codi and made him scream

• Then it was time for another meal. He put a couple bites of food in his mouth, chewed it and then turned his head to the right and spit it about two feet across the floor

• He thought this was hysterical

• I did not

• Finally he looked at me and said, "mama, you a girl, and I'm a guy, I'm a guy and a kid"

• "And mama, you a pincess, mama is a pincess"

I'M EXHAUSTED!

Whats all this talk about a reveal?

A LOT of people have been asking me about my big weight loss reveal. I'm all, uhhh, whu? I'm supposed to do a reveal? Hmmm. So! I'm about five pounds away from my original goal, (I am 156 goal is 150). My next goal is simply 145, however I think I need to get to 143 to fit into those jeans I tried on this weekend. First I want to say, I'm not done, we will call this a mini reveal. I'll do another reveal when I reach my final goal, and you know, I have a tan and style my hair and stuff.

A few mini goals I have reached though. I can cross my legs, rather then just resting my ankle on my knee. Fat people can not cross their legs. I can wear a belt, as shown below. And I don't mean I couldn't before, I mean I can now wear a belt as an accessory and not have my shirt yanked down over it to hide my waist. I can buy jeans in almost any store (fucking Abercrombie and their rule about not going over size 10). I can wear some cute tops with out looking pregnant. I can run for 15 minutes on a treadmill which totals about 1.5 miles. This is a vast improvement from the 1/10th of a mile I used to be able to run. I can also run with out feeling like I smoked 15 packs of cigarettes in 4 minutes. These are some of my small achievements. I have more that I hope to reach. I want to feel good in a bathing suit, and not like, oh she looks good for having two kids, but just, OH SHE LOOKS GOOD. I want to wear the jeans I wore the night I met my husband. I want to be able to buy this one certain pair of Luckys (they stop one size below mine, how odd that Lucky only sells some jeans in 32 and some in 33.) Anyway, here you go.

December 2007 weighing 195 lbs

One hour ago, weighing 156.6

Tell me your best story

So. Back in school I wasn't always the brainiest of the bunch. This meant that there were more then a few times in school I might have gotten some failure notices in the mail. And since I'm 26 now, and have kids, and out of the house I think it's safe to tell this story with out my mom grounding me.

Back around 8th grade I knew I was going to get an academic warning notice. I knew it was going to have a lot of the grade that is the same as the first letter in my favorite 4 letter cuss word (for those of you who are dense thats an F for FUCK). I went to Gingers the weekend I knew it was coming. We some how got to my house and got it out of the mail. We then went to her house to throw it away. Only I was still worried. What if her mom dropped something in the trash, went to retrieve it and saw the failure notice. So we got a better idea. We were going to burn the fucker.

We put it in a coffee tin, lit it on fire and said good bye. Only, I freaked out again. What if her mom saw the ashes in the trash and wondered why we were burning shit. Soooo I came up with the final brilliant plan. We were going to send that bitch down the river behind her house. Down the river it went never to be seen again. But can I tell you how long I worried that somehow my mom would go near that river and see the can and open it up and find the burned paper and magically know it was mine because of some kind of wizard powers? A LONG FUCKING TIME!


So, now it's your turn, tell me your best get out of trouble lie. Or even just one of the best lies you ever told your parents that they still don't know about.

Top Chef Talk

First lets talk about my gripes with the show. I'm really really sick of these group or partner challenges. How in the fuck are these people supposed to shine if they are just arguing and fighting with other people. No matter what in a group not everyone is going to get their way, and it feels like the person who has the great idea, but doesn't get their way always gets shit on. I really think they should have more individual challenges so the judges can really see who is cooking and who is just a whiney bossy annoying fucking bitch.

Enter my next gripe. Can someone tell me why in the fuck Lisa is still on this show. She is a mean, rude, dirty bitch. She needs to wash her fucking hair, get an attitude check and step up. I think she should have gone home numerous times, and I also don't understand why she hasn't been punched yet.

On that note how is Nikki still there? What has she done so far? Seriously standing around, and looking overly done up and anorexic doesn't count as cooking. I haven't seen her do anything worthy of still being there yet. I can't believe she got to stay after the week with the nasty mushrooms and cheese incident. I can't believe she got to stay this week. I don't like her.

I'm livid they kicked Jennifer off. I actually really liked her a lot. I think she had some good ideas and made some decent food. I think if anything she should have lasted longer then Nikki or Lisa.

I really like Dale. I think he does some great stuff. I would love for him to win. I also think Richard is a good cook, but I just don't like him. I kind of think it might be him and Dale at the end and I hope he gets shut down. I think he is just pouty and cocky and he acts like a sore loser. He is just way to full of himself.

I really wish the show would do some more individual challenges. I much more prefer to see what each chef can do rather then seeing what they do in a group and having one person end up safe just because there was a better chef on their team. I think it is a lousy set up.

As for the remaining women on the show, I don't like any of them, I'm hoping a man wins...Just not Richard.

Spring Cleaning

So I'm spring cleaning. Meaning out with the old books, and time to buy new books. I want to sell all of my books in one lot. I can't find a stupid book store here who buys books. Do you guys know anyone who buys books? I'm asking $60.00 for 34 books. Yes a couple are older but the rest were purchased in the last year, and they are all in mint condition, and look brand new.

Look I even cook healthy food, not always slathered in cheese and butter

Delicious fresh organic beets recipe here

Oh fuck

** Heads up this is long**

Remember back when I was a good blogger. And I was all, "hey look at me I'm so witty and funny, and fabulous!" And now I'm all, "dude how can I blog when I'm trying to read, and my son is tooting his flute thingy in my fucking ear and farting on me, and my other son is all look I'm so cute you must munch on my fat thighs right now."

I remember back when I would say I was going to write a post and then, you know, like, actually write the fucking post.

Like that one post about the shoppin and the cookin and what not. Ya'll remember WAY BACK THEN? That blog stemmed from the time I went to the store and I bought a bunch of vegetables. The checker, who has been there for at least a year looked at me and said,"Wow this is the MOST vegetables I've ever see, EVER." And then he looked at me because obviously I had fucking beets growing out my ears and I was shaping up to look like a pear because no one on planet earth has ever bought that many vegetables before. I was totally shocked and inquired. He said that in his entire time working there he really had never seen someone buy that much fresh food. Suddenly I felt like I was running for president of the Most Awesome Healthiest Shopper Ever Club and I was giving my speech on why you should elect me and not Polly Processed foods behind me. After he finished looking at me like I was crazy and charging me for 9 pounds of grapes instead of a 9 pound watermelon ($19.87 difference, checker of the month my ass) I went on my way.

I thought about it for a long time. I thought about my love for cooking and started to wonder if maybe I only bought so many fresh things because I loved cooking so much. I started thinking I was so super awesome and cooked the best most healthy food, (she says as she microwaves some macaroni for her son, telling herself it's okay because it's organic..right..right, hello (crickets)). I thought I was pretty specific in my poll until I received this comment:

Lainey-Paney said... time out---to me, cooking hamburger helper IS cooking. so, i suppose i need you to clarify: what exactly is cooking? if I put Eggo Waffles in the toaster, and serve 'em up---that's cooking. right? no? what about combining all of the ingredients to make tuna fish sandwiches? Is that cooking? B/c to me, it counts. I'm just sayin'.....

After I ran and changed my underwear because I had just pissed myself laughing I sat down to think about it. What does home cooked mean? What constitutes healthy? Will Big ever stop cheating on Carry, oh wait, I felt like I was stuck in the ending of a Sex and the City episode there.

At first I thought home cooked meant fresh ingredients. But then I thought, well yeah, but I mean that mom throwing some hamburger helper in a pot is better then buying Jack in the Crack right? I mean sure it is still heavily processed and hold very little nutritional value, but morally she is still cooking for her family and she is still spending more time at home, and less gas and time and energy driving through a fast food joint that surely pollutes our earth more then making a frozen pizza?

There is a girl at my work who really wants to lose weight. She also wants to eat better to improve her health. I was ragging her and ragging her about how its so much easier to just fucking eat healthy. It isn't hard and cooking a damn meal, or packing a lunch, or packing a breakfast isn't that hard. I mean shit, my two year old can throw some yogurt in a fucking bag right? She shouted back at me, "YEAH BUT YOU CAN AFFORD TO EAT GOOD." Oh theres my place, and yes she put me right in it.

Shes right. Everyone is sitting here talking about the fucking crisis in America. Sound the sirens WE ARE ALL FAT ASS WHO ARE UNHEALTHY! Every magazine I open talks about how fat we all are and how to fix it. Every tv show, and movie, and book, and billboard is busy telling me how to be greener and healthier. It is being pound into my skull that I need to eat organic, and healthy. All I hear is how it is so damn simple.

Uhh, there is just one problem. You have to be a kazillionair to do it. Seriously. My grocery bill is at minimum $187.00 a week. I got really happy once when it was $150.00 a week. Oh, did I forget to mention THAT IS WITH OUT BUYING MEAT!!!!! I buy all my meat at the start of the month and just freeze it. So, I'm spending $187.00 on fresh organic fruit, and organic veggies, and organic milk ($3.50 a carton), organic green house cleaning products, fresh cut deli meat instead of the weird gray meat Oscar Meyer sells, real cheese, rather then Kraft singles, and so on. Most of my snacks have even become organic. In fact, it is safe to say the only non organic things I purchase are diapers, wipes, ice cream, and my 100 calorie packs. My tea is even organic, and yes the macaroni my kid eats is organic (it's all he likes sorry).

While I do feel 10000% more healthy, and I have lost 39 lbs by packing my lunches and cooking my food, I can't help but thinking, damn that grocery trip could have paid my power bill, and living on ramen would be so much cheaper. But then I realize that thinking about money and buying a bunch of shit is how I got where I am. And, continuing that will get my kids in the same place. Just because I have boys doesn't mean they won't some day end up over weight and out of shape. Not even thinking about vanity issues, I don't want my kids to end up so fat they can't even run around the track and end up having to be on the chess team and band geeks because they are too out of shape to make it to first base.

What bothers me is that all I hear all day is how I need to eat healthy, so you would think they would lower the fucking prices on organic foods, and healthy foods. Take me and the girl at work. Here is an example of our eating habits, and these are based soley on our different economic status:
Breakfast:
Shannon: 1 non fat yogurt with 1 cup fresh berries, 1 dry eggo red berry waffle, home brewed coffee with low sugar creamer (all brought from home) cost: probably at least $6.00

Her: 1 jerky stick, 1 Large energy drink in a can, 1 cheese stick (all bought at gas station on way to work)cost: $3.00

Lunch plus snacks:
Shannon: 1 hard boiled egg with one piece dry wheat toast 1 tbsp mayo and some mustard, 1 fresh organic apple with 2 tbsp soy nut butter, 2 Clementine's, fresh veggies & home made dip, organic tea and filtered water (again all brought from home) cost: about 9.00

Her: On days she can afford lunch it is either Burger King for about $2.00 off the dollar menu, a large frozen burrito from the gas station for about $1.89. or another energy drink, a handful of chips and a sandwich from the gas station coming in at a whopping $4.00, other days she packs a cup o noodles from home for about $.20

Dinner:
Shannon: Fresh veggies, steak or chicken (for husband), with some pasta or rice. (All made at home with food from home) dinner is about $30.00 a night between husband, me and Brandon.

Her: Either 2 boxes of Hamburger Helper, some chicken with noodles, ramen, frozen burrito, or take out. Most nights they get either pizza, Jack in the Box, or McDonalds. Her dinner probably ranges anywhere from $10.00 to $15.00.

After that I have ice cream, or cookies, or fresh made berry smoothies as snacks or deserts. She can't afford such things.

On weekends I cook eggs, bacon, hash browns (grated from actual potatoes, not frozen), toast and serve it was a yummy orange juice. Some days I make a great egg sammich, or a tasty breakfast burrito.

On weekends she runs and grabs something off the dollar breakfast menu from McDonalds and since she is there grabs a couple McFlurrys or milk shakes.

I'm not doing this to brag about my food, I'm doing it to clearly show the difference between having the option to eat healthy and not having the option. Everyone in her home is over weight, cranky, and lethargic. My house we are all the right weight (or on our way there), active and for the most part upbeat. I already know I will be raising athletic kids, and my older son already has a huge interest in getting in the kitchen and cooking. Brandon would rather eat a banana or watermelon over fries, he would rather have some pancakes or cereal instead of bacon and fatty sausage or fast food breakfasts (he does like the occasional hashbrown though). Last night he argued with me that he wanted to eat his carrots and green beans before eating his mashed potatoes and gravy. I felt like I was on top of the world at that moment. Today we got home and he begged for a banana. I gave him one. I asked if he wanted anything else, some toast, a quesidilla, anything, and he said no he wanted another banana.

Now, I want to make it totally clear that I am BROKE. However I have given up most everything else in favor of eating good healthy high quality food. I traded a social life for environmentally safe dish soap, laundry soap and shampoo. I don't buy myself clothes anymore but I do eat the best tasting apples ever, and they are good for me, and guess what, when you look at my apple it says APPLE, it doesn't say processed, bleached, enriched, hydrogenated, or mechanically separated anywhere on it. My son gets only real maple syrup on his pancakes. I will not buy the high fructose corn syrup gelatinus stuff that Mrs Butterworth calls syrup. Does real maple syrup taste different then Mrs. Butterworth YES, does my son know NO! He will never know that the macaroni he is eating is different because it is organic. He will never know that his milk is lacking of pesticides and hormones. He will never know that his bananas spoil a little faster because they are organic. He won't know this because to him it will be normal. My son ingests about 3 things that are not healthy and organic, his fucking cheetos, his cream cheese (I just can't give up Philidelphia), and his chocolate milk mix. I have yet to find a organic chocolate milk mix that compares to the Hersheys kind. Other then that, his pancakes, and string cheese, and puddings, and fruit, and most cereals, food, juices (rationed) and so on are all organic. He will grow up knowing no different.

That isn't what I worry about. Because I grew up that way too. I worry about what happened to me. I worry that he will move out, be a poor starving college student and discover that ramen is a hell of a lot cheaper then organic bananas, and Suave shampoo is much cheaper then his organic kind.

I'm so bothered by all of this. I'm bothered they make it so expensive to eat healthy then have the nerve to bitch and moan at us saying it's our fault we are fat lazy slobs. I'm bothered that moms who make a frozen pizza or throw together some Dinty Moore beef stew are labeled as lazy unhealthy cooks, simply because they can't afford all the ingredients for a fresh home made stew, or the ingredients to make a real pizza. I'm bothered that we are made to feel bad for our decisions at the check stand yet the government can't seem to lower the prices enough to make it affordable for the whole world to be healthy.

I want to make it clear that Brandon doesn't eat near as healthy as I would like. He prefers macaroni, cheetos, and cream cheese right out of the container. I will admit this is my fault. When I was pregnant, and right when he was born, it was more important to me to worry about money then to worry about quality of food. I figured I could fix him later. I also weighed almost 200 pounds. Then I woke up, realized I needed to make a change, and I'm fighting tooth and nail to make my son healthier right along with me. I am only happy knowing Codi will never know junk food. He will never know low quality stuff. Brandon and I will work on this together, but soon I will win this battle, and he and I will be broken of our bad habits completly.

An acquaintance of mine once talked about how very very obese people often say that they are over weight because they have a disease. And while I do understand that maybe now they don't know how to change those things, that had they been given the right tools and the proper upbringing, and been able to afford healthier options they never would have been there.

So, I guess now I have to ask all of you. If money was no option would you cook more meals using fresh ingredients. I don't mean making tuna salad, I mean making a real home made soup, or a salad with a real vinaigrette, or tacos, with actual veggies, and good tortillas not the cardboard preformed kind, with veggies on them, and real cheese, and maybe even chicken instead of ground beef? Would you cook more then, and pack more lunches, and eat more home made meals?

I also pose a challenge to you. Instead of just grabbing the cheapest box of premade stuff, why not actually check out your store. Why not realize that you can buy a pork tenderloin for $5.00, 4 potatoes, for about $2.00, and a bundle of broccoli for about $3.00 and have a home made meal for 2-4 for just around $10.00. Then realize, that $10.00 can't even feed one person at a fast food joint anymore. It is possible to eat healthier (maybe not organic but at least home made) for less then you can get fast food.

So maybe tonight, look through a Betty Crocker, clip some coupons, buy some fresh ingredients and teach your kids, how to be healthy. I'm not even saying spend the money for organic...I'm just saying, try fresh for once.