Following the trend

SO!!!

First I did it, My husband back in the day...

Jen found this funny so she did it... And really I didn't think it could get any more funny then this, but it could because....

Then Cristina Mathers did it...and OH MAN IT REALLY COULD GET WORSE, AND IT DID GET MORE FUNNY

So now I encourage you ALL to post pictures of your husbands/boyfriends/lovers back in the day and then leave me the link in the comments.

Because this shit people, well this is some serious comedy!

Check out my guys

Go to my Flickr here, and see my new set, Boy 1 vs Boy 2. Codi is first in the pictures and Brandon is second.

Shawna, I believe this is what you were talking about

Once, in passing Shawna mentioned to me that back when she knew my husband in school he used to have really funny hair...is this what you meant Shawna?

(My husband just called me a dirty bastard for posting this)

He died mom

It is a fair comment to say that in our house/work it is not safe to be a mouse or a fish (or a cookie but that is a whole other story). Heres the story.

A little background info. My parents own these 4 homes on some field kinda land. You know, if no one cared for it, it would end up with tall weeds and flowers and shit on it. There is a little stream behind it, and it is full of critters. Birds and squirrels and marmets and what not. They rent 3 of these houses out and one they turned into our office and then built a big shop next to it. This means that each of our offices is in a bedroom and we have a fully functional kitchen, one of the living rooms is our front entry office and the other one is a playroom for Brandon. This also means, WE ARE SURROUNDED BY CRITTERS! (Side note we are also surrounded by black widows that my mother refuses to let us kill, she just relocates them).

Last week the girl in our office Yo (short for Yolonda but we call her Yo) went to the bathroom and thought she saw something. She kinda forgot about it until my mom went into the bathroom and started screaming. "YOU GUYS YOU GUYS THERE IS A MOUSE IN HERE." Yo was like I knew it I swear I thought I was going crazy seeing things. So, of course, being my mom she does the most logical thing ever. "Brandon come in here with me lets catch the mouse"! Yes you read that right. So of course, my child the über boy goes running right in. They proceed to pull all the boxes and shit out till they find the mouse. I don't really know what happens but about 10 minutes later my child comes walking into my office with a mouse IN A BAG DEAD! I'm like uhhh what the fuck. Brandon says, "he dead mom, da mouse died, he died." So I ask my mom who informs me they scared the mouse to death.

Uhhh okay fine, but why is the DEAD mouse in a baggie? Well duh! My mom tells me that they are going to take the mouse up to my grandmas where my cat now lives, so that they can feed the mouse to my cat. Ummmm. Uhhhh. Sigh!

About an hour later I see something run bye me and I realize there is a second mouse. Well shit. I go to move some of Brandon's stuff and realize that the mice are living in his little recliner he eats in. Grrr. So out goes the recliner. I clean everything and change everything, sheets and what not. And we leave for the day. My mom sends my little cousin who works for us to go buy some mouse traps. The next morning Brandon and I arrive at work and do you know what we see????

FOUR FUCKING DEAD MICE LINED UP OUT FRONT! Brandons like "mom more mice, they dead, they not moving mom, they dead mice, look mom more mice." My mom informs me she put them outside for the neighborhood cats to eat. SERIOUSLY, SHE SERIOUSLY SAID THAT.

That night Brandon stayed at my parents. When they brought him home he had a ton of things to tell me. Such as, "mom the mouse, it's in the cats belly, he ate em mom, he's in his belly." Or, "The bird ate the worm he ate the worm." So for an entire week I heard all about how the mouse was in the cats belly. They really took that fucking mouse up to my fucking cat and fed it to him. You can see how well this must be sitting with me, the VEGETARIAN!

That brings us to last night. We only had one of our FIVE fish left. Fred, the one with the bug eyes and 5 inch poops. Until last night. He died. Brandon walks by, looks in the tank, sees Fred floating on the bottom and says, "he died mom, like the mouse, he died, he's not moving." Then he says, "mom, he no swim more, he no swim, he died." It was sad. But what was sadder was that later the fish floated up to the tank and he got really excited thinking the fish was swimming again and we had to tell him that no, the fish was still dead, and he watched rob flush him down the toilet.

So now I ask you all mighty mommy bloggers, how did you teach your kids about death? Did you just say the fish died and leave it at that, did you tell them what death meant, did you explain heaven? And on top of that, at what age did you choose to have the talk? Since he is only 2.5 do I just leave it that the fish died and move on, or do I elaborate now? Do I wait till he is closer to 4 to explain death? Do I replace the fish or just take the fish tank out for a while? NEED ADVICE ON THIS ONE...ASSVICE WELCOME!

(my mom would like me to add that feeding the mice to the cats was her way of recycling and being green.)

Codi on video

Codi tries to crawl from wilddreemer on Vimeo.

SOMEONE REALLLY WANTS TO CRAWL

Note to self

When you are trapped in a small confined space like a tanning bed, with a fan blowing in your face DON'T FART!

The story of the apple

As promised you guys get the good the bad and the ugly about my relationship. However I need to post this disclaimer, JUST BECAUSE ROB AND I HAVE A FIGHT IT DOESN'T MEAN OUR MARRIAGE IS IN TROUBLE, THAT WE ARE EVEN STILL MAD BY THE TIME I POST THIS, OR THAT WE HAVE PROBLEMS. IT MEANS WE ARE A REAL NORMAL HEALTHY COUPLE WHO FIGHTS. PLEASE DO NOT APPROACH ME ASKING IF I'M OKAY OR IF WE ARE BREAKING UP, OR OFFER MY SUPPORT AS IF I'M CRUSHED, IT IS JUST A FIGHT.

This weekend Rob and I went to California. And as always we got into a few spats here and there. I think the fights were both our faults. Mine for not paying attention to how I approached him, and him for responding meanly. When we got back to Reno softball started for him. I enjoy cooking for him, and on nights he has softball I like to have dinner ready to go so he can eat in time to make it to the game. I had a shit ton to do on Monday so I asked if he could run to the store and I would do the rest of the stuff. I made him a list:
Gala Apples
tomatoes
lunch meat
Pancakes
Real maple syrup
and a few other things

He returned with everything on this list, however neither the apples or tomatoes were organic. I was mad. Here is his defense, I did not write the word organic next to the apples, as I had in other weeks. Here are my defenses:

1. Anyone who reads my blog (he does) knows how stuck up I am about only buying organic when possible.
2. The last three times he went to the store I told him to get organic apples, why would I suddenly change it
3. Every time I eat my apple I message him telling him how much I love my apples..often mentioning I love them because they are organic
4. Last week we went to the store together. I asked him to grab the apples. He came back and said they didn't have the organic gala apples. Rather then buy non organic, I went back to the organic section and picked out two other kinds of apples to try because I hate non organic apples.

So. Those are my main points. But the actual reason I got upset is this. Had he sent me to the store and said he wanted ramen I would have known that he only eats one brand and one flavor. How does this man not know I only eat organic apples? Does he not remember my tirade about how much pesticides are stored in the seeds of an apple. Does he not remember me freaking out because my nanny ate one of MY ORGANIC APPLES? But here is what gets me the most. Had he been at the store shopping for steak for him he would have stood there and looked at
every steak, looked at the color, looked at how much fat was in them and so on. He also would have probably gone and bought the USDA choice steak as opposed to buying the Smiths off brand of steak. He would have done that because it was for HIM. But since he won't eat any of the apples then he didn't care. That is where I got bothered (among other things that were going on, ie, not helping unpack groceries, and cussing at me). I was bothered that since it wasn't for him, it really wasn't important. I'm also really bothered that I've been with him this long and he doesn't know something so simple. There are a lot of people in my life who don't know simple things about me, and it bothers the fuck out of me, but I honestly never expected him to not know something so small. The final reason I was bothered is that he reacted as if it was just a stupid fucking apple.

Here on the left is the stupid fucking organic apple, here on the right is the non organic. In the dark there isn't much different, clearly the non organic is smaller. Lets look at it in the light. The first hugest thing I notice the non organic is covered in all that nasty waxy shit. This greatly effects the flavor of my apple. Next the color. The lighter the gala apple the better tasting. Clearly the non organic apple wasn't grown in as good of light or environment. The non organic was hard, and tasted like celery. It was not juicy and tasted of wax.

I know some of you are thinking, BUT IT IS JUST AN APPLE. I've been trying to lose weight since having Codi. If you are following along you would know I'm just 1 pound shy of losing 40 pounds and just 4 pounds shy of being able to buy new clothes. I have done this by being on a very strict diet. VERY STRICT. I mostly eat the same thing every day. One of the biggest parts of my day is my sliced apple with soy nut butter. It is my sweet treat of the day, and also gives me one serving of fruit and some protein. It is also the ONLY food I look forward to eating every day because I know just how good the apples I buy are. So, even though it's just an apple it makes a large impact on my day.

Each morning I pack Robs lunch. I make him a special sandwich for breakfast and I put as much love as possible in his sandwich because I know, that when he eats it, it will offer him 5 minutes of happiness and relief from his day at work. I buy him Clementine's for his lunch instead of plain oranges because I know they are sweeter and taste better. I also know they are seedless and that makes it easier for him to eat. Last week they were out of Clementine's so I read the label of every organic orange to find something comparable. I picked Navel oranges. They were sweet, had the fewest if any seeds and still sort of small. I put a lot of love and thought into those fucking oranges for him. And I do this with every damn thing I buy him. So, shouldn't I be allowed to expect the same from him. Shouldn't he want to put that much love and thought into the things he buys me?

It doesn't help that we were already arguing about other stuff, and we've both been super stressed about money, and I have zero time to go riding, or work out, but he gets time to play softball twice a week. When I suggested that I possibly make two nights to go to the gym, he replied, thats expensive. Then I said well what if I ride two nights a week and make dinner later. He said, "well what if I get hungry." I was like fuck you can't wait another hour to eat. His responses kind of seemed selfish to me.

I dunno, it's widely known that I've been in a funk and a fog and I can't get out of it, I'm guess then economy and everything else is starting to now take a toll on him, and two grumpy people, well, you've got to expect some fights.

But please rest assured, I still love him, I don't want to leave him, I don't want to move out, I don't consider this a HUGE fight. I'm just cranky over my apples, and to quote that one song, "I just want to be mad for a while". Also, please don't bash him on here. It is perfectly fine to tell me I'm being an asshole or whatever or to take my side or his. Please keep in mind that even though this is MY blog you don't always have to take MY side! Because in the end I am aware, that like a human I do over react, I do get mad over nothing, and that it is just an apple.

Humor is:

* Trying on a bathing suit, with no tan AND THEN LOOKING IN THE MIRROR (This also falls under the horror category)

* Getting all the way to California nd then realizing your husband packed everything in the pile but your purse, which was on the very top of the pile.

* Figuring out you forgot your Moby and stroller so you had no way to walk to the park

* Having to drive to 3 parks before finding one that wasn't: buried under water, scalding hot metal slides or full of splinters.

* Going to the freezer in the garage for a normal sensible portion of girl scout cookies and then going back in the garage because you realized you just CAN NOT leave one cookie in the package, making your sensible portion, less then sensible.

* Going back to the freezer hours later and opening a new bag of cookies, eating 4 and THEN thinking, oh shit, this might be why the bathing suit thing earlier was horrific.

*Going all the way to California to see family you haven't seen in 4 months only to have your camera die and realizing the only picture you have of the entire trip is before you even left Reno

* The fact that I wore a dress on Monday because it was so nice out and that this morning it was fucking snowing.

* That I'm still thinking of cookies, while looking at bathing suits on line. It seems I never learn.

* The fact that I'm actually pretty angry at my husband for not buying me organic apples.

* Having to eat non organic apples for lunch and realizing they are so shitty they actually taste like celery, and spending the whole meal angry at your shitty shitty apples

* The fact that it is possible that one person in this world could not know I ONLY EAT ORGANIC FRUITS AND VEGGIES

* That I'm now watching Alton Brown cook pie, and I'm thinking to myself, how much worse can chocolate cream pie from Marie Calanders be any worse then those fifteen five cookies I ate.

* The fact that I just went to pee, and I actually stopped to make sure no one was around because I am still embarrassed for my husband to hear me potty

* The fact that mid pee he came walking by and I sat there trying to hold in the pee and make it stop so he wouldn't hear

How to make a house payment over the phone

Dial phone
Ring ring
Here is your payment history, you can not push buttons you must listen to the whole thing
Now that you have wasted 45 seconds listening you may choose options
If you want to hear your payment history push 1
If you want to make a payment push 2
(Pushes 2)
To make a payment push 1
(pushes 1)
Enter social security number
(Enters number)
More wasteful talking
To make a payment push 1
(thinks this sounds an awful lot like the last time she pushes 1, but alas pushes 1 again)
You are now being transfered to speed pay
(Thinks speed pay sounds fast and efficient, yay for Shannon)
Ringing

Still Ringing

Dead air
(Wonders if I've been hung up on)

More talking
To continue in English push 1
(Smashes 1 button)
Talking
Talking
(Starts mentioning something about how if she ever meets this pre-recorded voice in person she would really teach it a lesson)
To make a payment push 1
(Pushes 1 even though shes not even sure she is here to make a payment anymore)
Enter your loan number
(Enters loan number)
You entered ..... is this correct, if so push 1 if not push 2
(Pushes that motherfucking 1 button)
Please hold
(Bangs head on desk)
Enter your zip code
(enters code)
You entered ... is this correct, if so push 1 if not push 2
(Pushes 1)
Talking
Would you like to use the routing number you used before push 1 for yes and 2 for no
(Wonders if pushing 2 would be rebellious)
Would you like to use the same account number you used before push 1 for yes and 2 for no
(Which button do I push to wake me up when this is over
To pay today push 1
(Finger is now to numb from pushing buttons, must push one with tongue)
The amount due is ....to pay this amount push 1
(Wonders if you can be put in a mental institution for killing a pre-recorded voice)
Are you sure you want to pay, if so push 1
(I'VE GONE THROUGH ALL THIS AND YOUR ASKING IF I'M SURE ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS KARATE CHOPS THE 1 BUTTONS)
You have chosen to pay this amount to pay it push one, if not push 2
(How in the fuck is this different from the last fucking question)
Do you really want to process this payment
(Goes Hacksaw Jim Duggen on the phone hoping to push the 1 button at some point)
Here are your fees push 1 if you accept them
(Is now delirious and laughing at the fact that she has just pushed 1 938kajillion times, might possibly be crazy, hopes coworkers don't see her losing her mind)
To accept this payment speak your name
(My name is totally fucking batshit crazy)
You said this, to accept it push 1
(Finally realizes this is a joke right, no one can really push 1 this many times)
Your confirmation number is bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
(What the fuck am to fucking delirious to hear that)
If you want to repeat this number push 1
(PLEASE KILL ME NOW)
Thank you have a nice day

That was for the first of 4 payments I had to make on the phone that day. You can imagine how the rest of my Friday went