And the slut wins joke contest!

The winner of the joke contest goes to Coffee Slut!

Coffee Slut said... What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute? A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.


She made me laugh so hard. I loved this joke because it was totally raunchy! You all came up with some great ones but she got the most votes. I've been reading her for about 6 months now and she cracks me up. She has really funny photos of her cats and excellent youtube videos. So everyone now go to her website and tell her how much she made you laugh with her dirty naught post!

CHEATER CHEATER PUMPKIN EATER

Since my mom is a big huge cheater I will have to ask a new question for the free bag of candy contest.
The previous question was: Who taught Superman how to fly?
The correct answer: DUH, my dad did. Come on now, everyone knows their dad is the one who taught Superman to fly!

However since I failed to tell my mom she better not post that answer I'm issuing a new question.

The new question is: Not counting ears, how many different body parts have I pierced?

MOM, DAD AND HUSBAND YOU CAN NOT ANSWER!

TUESDAY TUMMY TUCK YOU STILL CAN'T PLAY EITHER!

Easter 1 Shannon 0

You may all remember yesterday when I broke up with Easter. I asked for a divorce and said look Easter you can have the house but I get the kids! Well today, that little shit got me back. He threw me one last fuck you. Clever little shit that Easter is.

Today I went to the store to get some stuff. Eggs, yogurt, apples, cheese, oranges, do you see a pattern? HEALTHY GOOD DIET FOOD! So. I'm walking to the lotion and soap isle to get some stuff for the boys in the house (my froo froo stuff could never be purchased at a lowly grocery store) when I pass the Easter isle. I smuggly glance over and think, HA HA EASTER I'M DONE WITH YOU, YOU WON'T GET ME THIS YEAR! I head toward the check out and I pass the same purple bag from yesterday. Zooom. Past it I go. Left it in the dust. However I do spot a display for the new Bee Movie and think I'll pick it up for Brandon since he hasn't gotten DVD's lately. I finally head to the check out and the checker is like hey Becky Bagger can you go grab the free candy that goes with this movie.

Can you guess what the free candy was?

Fucking Easter. He thinks he's soooooo smart. He knew that I couldn't just leave behind FREE candy. He knew that I would hear the word free and come crawling back to him just this once. He knew if he dangled that sexy purple bag in front of me and offered it to me for free I would forgive him just one more time. I gave in. I let down my guard and I opened my heart back up. I snatched the bag out of the checkers hand so fast I saw smoke politely told the cashier thank you and left with my groceries.

I walked to my car staring at the bag. I stared at it as I loaded it up and I stared at it through the rear view mirror the whole way home. He knew what he was doing. It was like candy four play. Look at me baby, I was free and I come in a shiny bag, come on Shannon you know you want to eat me, he said softly in a come hither crinkle of his plastic bag. I got home and I stared at that little fucker some more.

Fuck you shiny purple bag of goodness

I decided that Easter wasn't going to screw me again. This time that little fucker wouldn't win. So go ahead Easter start singing your new theme song Na na na na, na na na na na hey hey hey GOODBYE! Fool me once shame on you fool me twice IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN SUCKAH!!!!

So in conclusion, I now have one free bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs that will go to the first person to comment who can correctly tell me who taught Superman how to fly wins!

Tuesday Tummy Tuck members need not apply YOU WILL NOT WIN.

All good things must come to an end

Dear Easter,

I regret to inform you, I must break up with you. While you have always been my favorite holiday I feel its time to terminate our relationship. I loved you dearly for 26 years. You were the holiday that smelled the best. You always came with flowers and tasty eggs. You provided me years of fun and enjoyment. However, it just can't go on. And, it's not me, its you. Yes, it's you. It is all your fault. You brought this on yourself. Year after year you do this to me. You convince me to cheat on my diet, and enjoy your many delicious candies. You with your sexy purple packaging. You with your clever once a year only marketing. You had to know this was coming. You had to know sooner or later my diet would win out and I would have to ask you to leave, move on from my life forever. What's that, you don't understand why I need to leave you, here let me refresh your memory.

Sincerely,
Shannon

(Editors note, this package was savagely ripped into torn when it was purchased, the owner of this package makes no omissions to consuming any of the contents, ant would like to further state that if any candies were consumed it was because they jumped right into her mouth all on their own, they were not shoveled in by the handful placed there with her consent.)

Well isn't he clever

MAMA TUM ERE (Mama come here)
Hey, mama where my bunny go? (where my money go)

So I look around, and see no money, check his pockets and then turn around. Hmmmmm

See that first stool? Then he went and got his second stool, put it on his dresser, and can you see where this is going?

See up there on the bookshelf where his piddy bank is. Yeah that is where his bunny (money) went. He put his bunny (money) in his piddy bank all on his own!

Looking for a good summer eat?

Grilled steak and vegetable salad with red wine rosemary vinaigrette

Fire up that grill and make some tasty summer eats for you and your love!
Check it out here

Things men don't have to worry about...aka life is not fair

Have you ever noticed how easy the male life is? I have. Let see the obvious. They don't have periods and they don't have to be pregnant. Yeah right there = fucker heads to me!

However, other things they don't have to worry about. Some girls who are skinny won't get this, but most girls will. Men never have to worry about walking around in shorts and having the shorts hike up their thighs and make a nice little thigh sandwich out of your shorts.

Men totally don't understand your thighs rubbing together in the summer when you sport a bathing suit because they get to wear nice little board shorts.

Men totally don't understand what a pain in the ass shaving legs is. Not to mention remembering to shave under both arms so you don't come out looking half glamor and half hippie granola cruncher.

They really don't get hair. You know when you go to bed with wet hair and you wake up with that hair looking like you tied it in knots and then slicked half of it to your forehead and you suddenly developed cowlicks where you used to have a part. Men don't get that THAT DOESN'T LOOK NICE! Seriously there have been so many times where I've woken up fretting about my disaster of a hair do and my husband will say, "what, it looks fine." I want to scream THIS LOOKS FINE!!!!! NO THIS DOESN'T LOOK FINE!!! To any other girl this looks like crap. Any other girl would look at me and say, wow her hair is all kinds of fucked up. But men don't get that. Why. Why is it they are totally oblivious to hair styles?

On that same note, men totally don't get that women dress for other women not men. Know why? Because sorry dear but you soooo have no idea what really looks good on me! To you, jeans and a dirty shirt with two different colored shoes is fine, but to that girl over there I better be rolling in my finest duds or the shit talking will begin. Which leads to the fact that men really don't gossip. So not fair. How nice would it be to walk into a bar with all your friends and just sit down and drink? Noooo, when your a girl you have to walk in, freeze, do a full 360 with your eyes around the room, pick out every single person you hate then turn to your girlfriends and say, "did you see so and so is here," cross your arms and act totally un-phased, then check out the room again for all the competition, then walk over to the table where you enemy is and say hi and fake excited to see them, followed by walking up to the bar and making a scene out of ordering some stupid drinks and buying a round for your friends so everyone thinks you have money when you grab your Fendi wallet out of your Gucci purse and then of course get right on your cell phone and call some other friend and complain about everything that is happening and how you hate everyone there, and she is wearing that, and seriously I looooook so much better then everyone else. Seeeee why I say it would just be so much easier to be a guy and walk in and just drink. Uggg.

Not to mention men really don't understand going to the store and buying an entire shopping cart full of diet food and then getting home and declaring there is nothing to eat, then running to the gas station for chips and soda. Men just get the chips and soda the first time around, but we women can't do that because if we don't have the diet food in the house then we can't pretend to be on a diet when company comes over. Also having healthy food in the house is how we justify eating pasta covered in lard when we go out to dinner with people. This way we can say, "Oh I've been eating nothing but vegetables all week and I'm just so sick of dieting, I really deserve this," Meanwhile we all know she was home eating chips and candy. Men, they buy what they want, eat what they want and order what they want and they just don't get it!

We already discussed me not having periods, but since they don't have periods that means they don't understand how women NEED chocolate before their period. Or how we want to celebrate everything with chocolate, and eat chocolate when we are sad or mad or happy or bored, or its Tuesday. I mean really, how do men not get that Tuesday is a splendid excuse for a slice of chocolate cake?

Men also don't understand that just because you had ice cream after lunch it doesn't mean you don't want desert. How hard is it to get, women need desert 3 times a day!

Men also totally don't understand that to a girl, chips and salsa is a totally acceptable breakfast. Seriously have you ever noticed how men are all about eggs for breakfast and sandwich for lunch and steak for dinner and never ever can you mix those. Really, when was the last time you saw a guy consider pizza breakfast? Nope, its always eggs or cereal. Sigh. This means that when I wake up and devour chips and spicy nacho cheese, followed by four cookies for breakfast my husband thinks I'm out of my ever loving mind, me though, I totally don't understand fried eggs for breakfast!

Most men don't understand that women need a loofah, body wash, and a polishing ex foliating scrub, along with shaving cream, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, scrubbing face wash, and a foot scrubber to complete their shower. They also don't get that NO I CAN'T JUST BUY THIS ALL AT THE GROCERY STORE. Sigh. I need to go to five different stores to accumulate all of this. Men are all, bar of soap jumbo bottle of clearance shampoo, don't forget to wash my balls, and I'm done!

There is a ton more, but I'd like to ask you, what do the men in your life just not get?

They boys

BRANDON GOES NUTS AND CODI ROLLS OVER from wilddreemer on Vimeo.

Fuck that

I was reading this blog this morning when I saw this. Looks easy enough I said. I'm going to try it.
Am I doing it yet?

Hmm I'm going to try downward dog or what ever the fuck they call this shit

Yup! I look like a moron
Lets try that other one again

Shit I'm going to fall catch me Brandon...Brandon, where are you?

Ooooo your trying to do yoga too?

Hey Bob Harper, you may be cute but this is what Brandon and I think of your yoga!

I call this the fuck you pose!

lets vote

Here are the rules

1. Pick the joke you like the most and leave a comment with the name of the person who left the joke
2. The person with the most names in my comment section wins
3. If you are anonymous you must leave your name so I know who is voting
4. You can't vote for yourself
5. If you have a joke that you think is funnier, or raunchier or awesomer then any of these leave it in the comments and I will post it on here to be voted on.
   

Sarah said...

Q: What do you call a Filipino contortionist?

A: A Manila envelope!

Cristina Mathers said...

there once was a mother who woke up to no crying babies because her husband had gotten up with them, fed them and got them ready for a day out so that mommy could sleep in, get a pedicure, massage and go shopping. then she would enjoy a nice gourmet meal, some good wine and fabulous chocolate dessert. then she'd take a nice bubble bath and go to bed....


get it?

that was the joke.

Coffee Slut said...

What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

Patty said...

There was a lady who owned a parrot and the parrot spend her days on the balcony. However this parrot would curse out all the neighbors as they walked by the house. The lady was mortified and embarrassed by the parrot. SO she warned...

Lady: Listen Lola, I'm going to punish you for cursing at the neighbors.

The parrot kept going and cursing at everyone on a daily basis. Finally the lady got fed up and chewed up some gum and stuck it on the parrot's tushy. Since the parrot could not relieve herself the parrot's belly got bigger and bigger.

Lola: I promise not to say bad words anymore. Please take the gum out.

Lady: No! I warned you. You are going to have to behave.

Lola: Please! Please! I PROISE! I PROMISE!

Finally after 3 days the lady gave up and removed the gum. The parrot was thrilled and she was let back out on the balcony just as a pregnant lady walked by and she said:

Lola: Hey Lady tell you husband to remove the gum from your ass already!

angie said...

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

No I can't get hard right now I just got laid!

Laura said...

A horse, a priest, a penguin walk into a bar... The bartender looks up and says,"What is this? Some kind of a joke?"

Lindz said...

What do parsley and public hair have in common?

You push them both to the side and keep on eating!

Jennifer said...

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

My balls are frozen.

Misguided Mommy said...

jennifer: your cute!

Lindz said...

There are these two muffins baking in the oven.

One muffin says to the other muffin: "Gob damn it's hot in here."

The other muffin looks at the first muffin in shock and exclaims "holy shit! It's a talking muffin!"

uumomma said...

why did the avon lady walk funny?

cuz her lips-stick

uumomma said...

A woman orders a chicken sandwhich and starts to choke.
People are running frantically, trying to figure out
what to do. Two homosexuals sitting in the corner wisper
to each other and run in front of the choking lady. One
strips out of his overalls, bends over butt naked in front
of his friend. His friend proceeds to lick the other's ass.
Upon seeing this, the lady vomits forcing the lodged food
from her throat. After making sure the lady is OK, the two
homosexuals return to their food.

One turns to the other and says,
"Wow, that hind-lick manuever really works!"

(UU please leave me your link I'm posting this at work where I don't have my links)